I need some advice please. Sticky situation.

[IrishGirl]

I guess I need some advice here,

 

My ex and I broke up SEVERAL times this past year (2003)...It is now to the point where he's met someone new, is in a new relationship and wants to remain friends. We have a TON of history, and still some unfinished business to deal with from the past 3+ years we've been together.

(I've actually posted to this site quite some time ago to deal with it all...I'm back to get some advice from some folks who are not related to my situation unlike friends and family)

 

anyway...

tonight is a big birthday party for him. he's called to invite me (his new g/f is out of the country, so she won't be there) Most of our friends will be there and I haven't seen them in quite some time.

I feel a little hostile towards my boyfriend because of all the heartache he's caused me this past year, but really really want to move on, call a truce and end things gracefully, tactfully and as mature adults. There is usually always some large issue that pops up about who said what to whom and all of that. Most recently - a big blow up this past Thursday about something I said in confidence to a friend, who turned around and told my ex....and it blew up in my face.

 

regardless. I don't know what he's said about me to some of his friends that will be at the party. I like them all, but don't want this whole situation to be an awkwards one. He's expecting me at his party because I've already told him I'd come. (unfortunately, I don't have a date to bring:(

also, we were broken up at the time of my birthday (this past August) (since, we've gotten together and broke up again) and he came to my party, and even paid for half of the bar rental, which was out of the blue and exceptionally nice.

So I kind of feel I owe him, at least to show up to his party. It's the least I can do, right?

 

some of my friends think I'm a idiot for even considering going....after all he's put me through AND he's seeing a new woman - so he's moved on...I should to.

 

Some of my other friends think, "GO! have fun, prove that you've moved on, you're happy and you're just wishing him a happy b-day. because if you don't go - it may look like youre still showing hostility, and your avoiding him, and you don't want to come across as holding a grudge."

 

I've deeply loved this man for a long time, and still do in a differently way now - I care more about him than love him, and I've lost my feelings for him - so there is no way i would ever want to reconcile our relationship.

 

At the same token, My ex has disrespected me in the past, broke my heart and emotionally abused me on several occasions. for that reason - I am still hostile and a little angry still. Part of me doesn't want to give him the benefit of me at his party, part of me wants to prove to him I'm a happy gal and I don't really care so I'll go and have a good time, and part of me is afraid as to what he's told his friends about me, and what they think of me, and how I may be treated.

I am an adult, (30) and I don't want to be in this mess....I just want to move on and forget about this messy past with my ex.

 

should i just forget all and not go to the party?

or what????

 

help me please make my decision. I can't seem to do this on my own.

thx

Irish.

[AllyKat]

Im not sure I understand why you feel you need to be friends with this man? I mean you arent dating, he has moved on...so why pour salt in your wounds?

 

It seems for some reason you two arent letting it go. Why be friends...does it REALLY matter who said what? I mean you arent dating right?

 

Im a bit confused why you two seem so intertwined when you arent dating anymore and should have more "separate lives".

 

I think you need to separate yourself from this man. It seems he is causing you more pain than anything else. Im not sure why you feel you need to be friends with him, I mean why be friends with someone who has emotionally abused you? Doesnt that seem silly to you??

[Samson]

I understand Alleykat's confusion when on the one hand you mention that

 

My ex has disrespected me in the past, broke my heart and emotionally abused me on several occasions.

 

and on the other hand......

 

I've deeply loved this man for a long time, and still do in a differently way now - I care more about him than love him, and I've lost my feelings for him - so there is no way i would ever want to reconcile our relationship.

 

Methinks you protest to much.

 

It is interesting to read your note, mainly because if I replace the word "party" with the word "marriage," then you would sound just like my wife. Although I've transgressed this way, that way, and the other way, and each way has been carefully archived for easy retrieval whenever the want arises, usually in the company of friends and relatives, she continues to claim a certain feeling, perhaps even a form of love (certainly not a form of "like") for me. Why is this?

 

My guess is that while you've shared a little of what makes this man important to you, there's a lot you have not shared. For some reason, it seems there is a great gulf of motivation between saying the glass is half empty and

knowing the glass is half full.

[mfrmboy]

Does'nt make sense why you would entertain the thought of attending his party.

After all the pain he has put you through, not to mention he has someone else in his life.

You did say she was out of town, now how would it sound for you to be at his party. Unless thats what you want.

If you want to see old friends I suggest contacting them on your own.

Mabye have your own get together.

However I dont suggest inviting him.

Let him live his life and you yours.

You can move on and forget this guy.

GOOD LUCK!!!

[The Burning Man]

I would go if:

1. My ex and I have a mutual circle of friends and I would like to interact with them at one point or the other, AND

2. I have moved on from my ex and do not want to resurrect the relationship, AND

3. I want to have my ex as a friend.

 

Now, since you have already committed to being there, you have little choice. But, it does seem to me that you do have the intersection of the 3 conditions that I specified. So, I would go.

[LSL]

To me it seems that you have not move on. You sounded that you really want to go to the party ( many reasons of going is in your letter). The most important is thing is not proving to others that you have move on but to yourself! If I were you, I will sit down and look into myself and see how I feel, how to protect myself if I am still feeling vunerable so that I will not be hurt again until I get stronger. It is ok to be freinds with exes but REMEMBER to take care of youself emotionally of physically so that you would not feel bad/ regrets after doing so.

[flsgirl]

I don't think you owe him ANYTHING!! Just because he helped with your party doesn't mean that you have to put yourself in a situation that will make you feel bad. I don't think you have gotten over this guy (I can't blame you, he's been a big part of your life, for the past 3 years). However, the fact of the matter is, you don't have to prove to anyone that you're over him. Do you honestly think that if you were to go to that party that you would feel comfortable? It allows more drama to happen. You don't want that, it only allows you to get hurt more.

 

Here's my opinion pretty much on everything now (which I've learned from my therapist) "if it feels more bad than good, don't do it." It's pretty simple and it works. This man has emotionally abused you in the past, you owe him nothing, however, if you feel that you can handle this party and think you can have a great time with you friends, then go and have fun. Good luck

[Prettyangel]

Okay! my opinion..........leave him alone! Have some self respect and get away!

 

Don't you deserve more?