My breakup story ( tell me what you think )

[fificremefarben]

I'm sorry this will be long, but I've been using posts on this forum as advice since my breakup and it seems to me that you're all very good listeners and advice-givers so I thought I'd post my story and see what you make of it.

 

My ex and I were together for 4 years. This four years was preceded by 9 years of almost getting together though, so in total we have 13 years of history. We were each others childhood sweethearts. I know everyone probably says this but for me it was first love, a real fairytale love. He's the only guy I've ever loved and also the only guy I've ever slept with (and I was the only girl he'd ever slept with). I'm sure most guys say this but we often planned out our lives together and he said that I was the love of his life, that he was so happy we'd finally gotten together and that he couldn't be with anyone else because no one knows him like I do.

 

He was honestly the most wonderful guy and everyone loved him. 2 years into the relationship his dad died, however. He was only 22 at the time and I know this would be horrific for anyone. We got through it though but from that moment on, he slowly began to change a little, as he found himself with more responsibility within his family after the death. He became a little more sharp-tongued and stubborn, but I was (and am) so crazy about him that I didn't care.

 

Last year, I had to go to France to study for 9 months. We'd done some long-distance for a time before so he assured me it would be fine, that we'd make it through it. It was going fine until March of this year- he'd been coming out to France to visit me and I was coming home on the holidays, so we never spent more than 10 weeks apart). I'd come home for Easter break and when I was with him one of his clients (he's a Personal Trainer in a gym) was texting him constantly, at all hours of the day and very unprofessionally. He showed me some of her messages as we were lying together one night and, as a woman, it was so obvious she was flirting. I casually raised this with him but he dismissed it.

Anyway, I went back to France and thought nothing of it, because I trusted him.

 

When I got back at the end of July, he broke up with me straight away, saying that he was really down in the dumps because work was getting stressful and that he just had to be on his own for a little while. I told him that was ridiculous and no reason at all to break up a 4 year relationship. I told him that we were either together and working through things or that was it, because he should know by now whether or not he wanted to be with me. He came back almost instantly, saying that things were stressful for him at the moment and that something had to give, but that it WOULD NOT be me. So things were ok for a few more weeks and then, after one weekend, he broke up with me again, giving me a variety of reasons (needed to be on his own, we'd been fighting a little etc.). I asked him if there was someone else and he said NO. I asked if it was just that he didn't want to be with my anymore and he said NO, that that wasn't the case! I was so destroyed that he had done this again. Over the next few weeks, we kept in contact and I kept asking him to just tell me if he just didn't want to be with me anymore, but he kept insisting that that was not the case. I was upset because he wasn't giving me a definitive answer for the split and I felt like he was dangling some hope in front of me.

 

Anyway, a month after the split he sent me a TEXT message, saying he was seeing someone else at the mooment. I asked if this was a new thing or whether, in fact, it HAD been the reason behind the breakup. He finally admitted that it had. I asked him if we could meet up and talk about it face-to-face, as it wasn't something i wanted to talk about over text and felt I deserved him to look me in the eye and admit he was leaving me for someone else and to tell me that he'd lied to me. He refused, saying it wasn't a good idea to see each other, and from that moment he has just cut all contact with me. I'm not hounding him with calls or texts because it's not my style, but he didn't reply to my last message asking why he wouldn't meet me and simply hasn't contacted me since.

 

A month later, a friend told me that the girl is, in fact, the client who'd been texting him since March. My friend plays rugby with my ex and he'd brought this client along to watch their game, announcing her to everyone as his new girlfriend.

 

I'm absolutely heartbroken that he's done this, not just that he's left me for HER but also because of the way that he's dealt with the situation. He's just cast me aside like I meant nothing to him after 4 years. It seems so unfair that whilst I'm sitting here in pieces, he gets to be happy with her. I don't understand how he could go from a 4 year relationship straight into another one. How could he move on so quickly?? The thought of doing anything with another guy right now makes me feel sick. It just seems like such a waste of 4 years.

 

We were so in love that I can't understand why this happened. My friends tell me that it's simply because she was there when I wasn't (whilst I was in France).

 

I'm sorry again that this was such a long message and I'm really grateful if any of you have read this far but I don't know how to move on from this. It's the first time I've ever had my heart broken and I'm not handling it very well. It's been 3 months now since the breakup and my friends say I should be moving on by now. I'm trying. I'm really trying. I keep myself as busy as possible and university keeps me pretty busy, but the nights and free time are just awful. I still find myself randomly bursting into tears or reading up stuff on google about whether exes ever realise their mistakes and try to come back. Stupid, I know, but I can't help it.

[MizHoney2U]

Three months isn't really that long at all, try 8 months so far and it's just starting to lighten up for me... 3 months also isn't very long into the new thing to give him enough time to see that she's not you. Mine seems to call me randomly every month and I am beginning to think it's his guilt on how things ended. at any rate, have you seen that book about getting your ex back forever?.... its a good read.

[lorien]

I'm sorry; I wrote you this really good and long reply earlier but for some reason it didn't post and now I can't remember everything that I said...

 

Essentially, I don't know exactly what you are going through since my relationship with my ex wasn't even a year, but I can completely relate to the pain of your first big heart break, not being able to concentrate while you're home alone, randomly bursting into tears, feeling like he never even cared, etc.

 

I completely understand how you're still finding it hard to move on after 3 months, given the length of the relationship. I'm still not even close to getting over my ex and it's been a little over a month... Do you have any good friends who would understand if you wanted to talk to them about how you feel? Sometimes it's nice just to know that others have been through similar situations.

 

Know that somewhere out there is a guy who will treat you right and who will always be faithful, and that it is ultimately worth the heartache if it points you in the direction of the one who you can spend the rest of your life being truly happy with. One thing that has helped me is to make a list of all of the qualities that you would want in your perfect man, and to think of the ways in which your ex didn't fulfill these ideals and wasn't the one for you. Even just writing this reply to you (for a second time...) has made me think about how to get over my ex, so hopefully I will be able to take my own advice.

 

Try to find something that will keep you both happy and occupied; recently I started thinking about volunteering at an animal shelter. As important and time-consuming as school and schoolwork is, try to take some time to do things that you really enjoy instead of sitting in your room alone trying to concentrate on homework but getting nowhere (trust me, this is what I've been doing too and it's not helping).

 

Sorry I couldn't rewrite everything that was in my original reply, but clearly you and your ex were not meant to be. I know this is hard, but if you think about it do you really want to get back together with someone who lied to you and wouldn't even see you face to face to admit what he did? You deserve so much better! Like my cousin said, "you know you deserve better, but you don't want better you just want him." I know you're probably still feeling this way, and trust me I was too for a long while. Even though he was your first love, don't feel like you have to try and keep him in your life, because he doesn't deserve it (I don't know if you're feeling this way, but I know I was).

 

Stay strong sister, and know that we are always here to listen.

[fificremefarben]

So you think I shouldn't give up hope just yet? It sounds awful but part of me hopes this new relationship shows him that he made a mistake. That's probably dumb, and I'm sure every dumper hopes for this and that it rarely happens.

 

Thanks for taking the time to read and reply. I really appreciate it.

[kittenkit]

God, that absolutely sucks.

And it's not fair at all. The only comfort you can give yourself is that if a person treats their other half badly they will treat the next one badly too. It's not YOU that's not good enough. It's HIM that's not good enough.

You'll hurt for a while. Take as long as you need. Don't be hard on yourself if it takes longer than you think it should to feel better, or if you burst into tears when you thought you were done crying. Don't pretend you don't care - there's no shame in loving someone, no shame in trusting someone.

And then... have you ever heard that quote by George Herbert? "Living well is the best revenge"

Live your life as well as you can. Be awesome! Your best chance of getting him to realise how much you mean to him is to walk AWAY from him and live fully. And by the time he realises it will be too late. You won't want him back. That's the way it goes. At least in my experience!

Hope that helps and wasn't preachy.

[2sunny]

he has shown evidence that when you are away - he finds someone else who will show him attention... and he will move to the gal showing him time and attention... unless you give him more than she does - he's likely to stay with the one who gives him the most time and attention...

[kittenkit]

he's likely to stay with the one who gives him the most time and attention...

 

That's not true. You can't hang on to a man by showering him with attention. It's not as simple as that. I know lots of people who were thoroughly attentive and have been dumped for being too dependable, while their ex moves on to someone flighty and non committal.

Life is unpredictable.

[joseph17]

I hate to hear when this happens. Some people just can't stay committed and jump from one relationship to another. The fact that he couldn't be straight up with you is just a coward move. He could have at least let you know and be honest maybe it wouldn't have felt so bad. Sure it still would have hurt but the feeling of abandonment wouldn't have been so severe. My ex did this to me and it took me a long time to finally trust again. 3 months isn't that long hang in there and you will start to feel better

[fificremefarben]

Thanks guy, I really appreciate all insight you can give me. It's just we used to be each others worlds and I don't see how that could change in a few months!! How could he just decide to cut me out of his life after so long. I'm having a bad day with it all today as you can probably tell lol.

[Bito]

First let me just say that my heart breaks for you. So much of your story reminds me of my own and I know the pain you feel is so immense and overwhelming.

 

What makes it so hard is that not only did you lose the man you love to lies and deception but your entire world and future that you had planed for has been reduced to nothing. You feel lost and alone.

 

Not only that but it seems like everything that happens to you on a daily basis triggers your memories and you can not escape your sorrow.

 

I know all this because i was with a girl for 2 years who cheated on me when we were doing long distance as well. This girl and I were so madly in love it felt like pure bliss every time we were together. The thought of her cheating never even crossed my mind because I figured she valued the relationship as much as I did. We had promised everything to each other and when i found out she was seeing someone else i was devastated.

 

I know your asking yourself how he could do this. Was he thinking about you when he was fooling around? Did he even feel remorse when he was was being unfaithful? Let me answer that for you, It does not matter.

 

I know you have him on a very high pedestal because you loved him so much. But you MUST tear him down. He is deserving of nothing. He only cares for his own feelings and needs.

 

You might not see this now but him leaving is the best thing that could have ever happened to you. Just think about how much worse the situation could have been if you had marriage or even a child involved. You must get it out of your head that he is the man for you.

 

Right now what you have to do is focus on yourself. Use your pain and misgivings to motivate yourself to accel in something that you have always wanted to master. Join a club. Socialize with your friends. And just in general do the best you can to enjoy your life and live it to the fullest.

 

There will always be down days. Everyone has them.

 

DO NOT enter into another relationship just yet. Become centered and content with yourself.

 

If you can be happy alone then you can find happiness in any walk of life that is placed before you. I am alone but I have never been more motivated and optimistic then I am right now.

 

I can tell you are already a wonderful person and I promise you that things will get better if you are willing to work for it. Stay strong

Edited October 27, 2011 by Bito

[fificremefarben]

First let me just say that my heart breaks for you. So much of your story reminds me of my own and I know the pain you feel is so immense and overwhelming.

 

What makes it so hard is that not only did you lose the man you love to lies and deception but your entire world and future that you had planed for has been reduced to nothing. You feel lost and alone.

 

Not only that but it seems like everything that happens to you on a daily basis triggers your memories and you can not escape your sorrow.

 

I know all this because i was with a girl for 2 years who cheated on me when we were doing long distance as well. This girl and I were so madly in love it felt like pure bliss every time we were together. The thought of her cheating never even crossed my mind because I figured she valued the relationship as much as I did. We had promised everything to each other and when i found out she was seeing someone else i was devastated.

 

I know your asking yourself how he could do this. Was he thinking about you when he was fooling around? Did he even feel remorse when he was was being unfaithful? Let me answer that for you, It does not matter.

 

I know you have him on a very high pedestal because you loved him so much. But you MUST tear him down. He is deserving of nothing. He only cares for his own feelings and needs.

 

You might not see this now but him leaving is the best thing that could have ever happened to you. Just think about how much worse the situation could have been if you had marriage or even a child involved. You must get it out of your head that he is the man for you.

 

Right now what you have to do is focus on yourself. Use your pain and misgivings to motivate yourself to accel in something that you have always wanted to master. Join a club. Socialize with your friends. And just in general do the best you can to enjoy your life and live it to the fullest.

 

There will always be down days. Everyone has them.

 

DO NOT enter into another relationship just yet. Become centered and content with yourself.

 

If you can be happy alone then you can find happiness in any walk of life that is placed before you. I am alone but I have never been more motivated and optimistic then I am right now.

 

I can tell you are already a wonderful person and I promise you that things will get better if you are willing to work for it. Stay strong

 

 

Thank you so much. This really cheered me up. Yesterday after I posted in this forum I felt like the strongest woman in the world. Today, I'm having such a down day (I just started crying into my dinner out of nowhere, lol).

 

I'm so glad that you guys on this forum are so supportive no matter how pathetic the things I'm saying are. My friends are fast-losing patience with me for not moving on already but I'm glad I can at least vent with you guys here.

 

Oh well, here's hoping some good healing will happen soon. I'm a student teacher, and I'm just about to go on a 6 week in-school placement, so that should hopefully keep me nice and occupied. Hopefully I'll be over him by the end of it (wishful thinking ).

 

 

Can anyone give me some insight into the psychology of the male mind, though? Why is he refusing to meet me, do you think? Is it just purely guilt or do you think he really just doesn't give a damn after 4 years?

[kittenkit]

DO NOT enter into another relationship just yet. Become centered and content with yourself.

 

If you can be happy alone then you can find happiness in any walk of life that is placed before you. I am alone but I have never been more motivated and optimistic then I am right now.

 

I can tell you are already a wonderful person and I promise you that things will get better if you are willing to work for it. Stay strong

 

What a great post! Bito - I'm going to print this out and put it on my wall

[MIK1000]

Very similar situation to mine. First love, promised the world to each other and felt like we had the purest, most innocent love in the world and then she f***** me over when we were long distance for 3 months of summer.

 

I'm two months on and happiness is with me again, maybe it has happened quicker for me because I am a guy, who knows. Don't get me wrong, I still think about her about once every five minutes, but it doesn't choke me up or make me depressed like it did before.

 

I think the best way to think about it is that it was just something that life tends to throw at you. Almost everyone gets their heartbroken at least once in their lives and it will only make you stronger. It's horrible that for both of us this was our first loves but it's like the song goes "The first cut is the deepest".

 

Stop thinking about his new relationship, I do that to but it's pointless and cause you unnecessary pain. The relationship will no doubt fail in the long run but don't prolong your agony by waiting keep check on it and expecting it to fail any minute now because in the end it doesn't really matter.

 

Surround yourself with your friends and enjoy nights out. I've found that I'm enjoying my mates company more than ever, I honestly couldn't be happier with my friends right now. Get yourself some nice new clothes and make yourself feel attractive and enjoy a night out and pull some guys if you want to.

[fificremefarben]

Thanks so much guys. Your advice has really been helping me

[Rarinbug]

I'm so sorry to hear your story, you come across as a really lovely person who certainly didn't deserve to be treated that way. I know how tough things can be, I am often told to "man up" but when I'm alone the tears come. Things will get better, your new placement will help as you say. And to answer your question about the male psyche, I would say it is mainly guilt and I'm not giving you false hope as I think you need to move on but I imagine he must have feelings for you and meeting could be dangerous, he might not want to lead you on and give you hope. I certainly don't want that to sound harsh. You'll get there and in time you will find someone who deserves you, he certainly doesn't.

[fificremefarben]

I like to think it's guilt (well, i don't LIKE to but I feel that's the case), but i just can't believe that after 4 years together he couldn't give me the courtesy of talking about it to my face.After 4 years, all I was worth to him was a text message 2 months after we broke up, telling me he had a girl who he'd actually left me for (meaning he'd lied) AND that we "had nothing to talk about".

 

It's so scary though, because he was the nicest guy in the world when I met him. I don't just mean that from me, because I was all doe-eyed with him, but all of our mutual friends and aquaintances thought the same. He changed when his dad died. If he could up and change on me, any man could. I see trust being a major issue in the future.