Mother of my two children has left me

[Spiralling]

Hi, completely new to this site; a friend sent me here to see if it'd help. Not quite sure what with, exactly, because as I'm finding out, one day at a time I can basically get by.

 

Background: Been together just shy of 4 years, got 2 beautiful kids (almost 3 and 1.5 years old) - she fell pregnant within about 5 months of us being together, which we both wanted despite it being very early in the relationship. We thought we'd make it work, it seemed good. I loved her and she loved me; we were happy, initially. She's almost 23 now, I'm 31.

 

A very dear friend of mine drowned, aged 23, a couple of months ago. I'll be the first to admit that I've been pretty depressed since then and neglecting her while grieving.

 

A couple of weeks back she suggested that I should move out for a week. I was quite taken aback by this, we talked, I didn't move out, and we saw how things went. I made an effort to do what she'd asked (despite her still blowing our little money on trivial, non essential things, and her not bothering to clean up anything, ever. Leaves more mess around the house than the kids do - but that's about all I whinge about). I thought things improved. She told me things had improved.

 

Come Saturday just gone, she said we had to talk, and then that she can't do it any more, so wanted to break up. She needed a friend, and that's not what I was being to her. She's moving out to a new place she's managed to find this week (luckily because places around here aren't easy to get). She'll be half a mile away or so. Is not "taking" the kids, we are to try to share them as equally as possible, so a few nights at hers, a few nights at mine.

 

This week we've been chatting quite well mostly.. better than when we were together. She's still living here too, for now, but has spent a few nights at a friends' house to I guess ease the tension.. of which there isn't really much because we've just been more honest with each other than usual.

 

Oh my, this is getting long, so I'll cut off here. I don't know what I'm asking of this site, maybe just someone who has been through it to give me some pointers. I've lost girlfriends before yeah, either way - them leaving me or me them, that happens. I just figured (probably naively) that because we had kids together we'd do whatever we could to make things work. My parents did. Hers, not so much. Single child whose parents split when she was 4.

 

Thanks in advance for any help or advice that anyone can give me. I guess I'm still just shell shocked and don't really know where or who to turn to.

 

Cheers, T

[Scottdmw]

T, I'm really sorry to hear about your difficulties. I'm sure it must be tremendously painful.

 

I think the best thing you can do at the moment is give her some space. I think you made the right move by not moving out, but definitely if she wants to take some time elsewhere let her do that.

 

Put some effort into trying to get over your grief for your friend. That is a tough thing too, but you have your life to live now and I don't think your friend would want you to jeopardize your relationship with further grief. If you haven't talked to someone about it, do that. If you have talked to a couple of people and feel like you've done all the talking that will help, try to make the mental effort to put it behind you and leave it aside.

 

When she's not around, try to focus as best you can on finding useful things you can do. When you have the kids, do the best you can to care for them well. When you don't, put some effort into improving your own life in some way. Maybe extra time at work could advance your career. Maybe you have an interest you've been neglecting lately that would be enjoyable. Maybe there is something you would like to learn about. Maybe you would like to do more exercise. The point is, you need to get your mind focused on something positive and useful. When your girlfriend comes around to talk to you as she hopefully will eventually, she will see that you are doing something good with your time. That's much more attractive than wallowing in unhappiness or depression.

 

Key point there: depression and apathy are not attractive to a woman. Useful action, positivity, and enthusiasm ARE attractive. If she is making a decision about you, you want to put the best face forward you can, and that means getting yourself into a position of greater strength.

 

Of course, if she comes back and wants to spend time with you, do that and give her your full attention.

 

If the worst happens and she does leave you, you will still be better off if you start now on building up some new activities. When my fiancée left me four years ago, one of the things that helped me get through it was starting new things like that.

 

Even if this potential breakup is killing you, do not beg with her, or plead, or otherwise act like it is devastating you when around her. If you need to get out those feelings, talk about them here or with a trusted friend. When you're with her, it's okay to be sad about a potential breakup, and especially the impact that could have on your kids, but do not appear too sad. It is an unfortunate fact that women may see that as a sign of weakness that is unattractive. When you're with her you are sad to see her go because you have so much history together, and especially because it's bad for the kids, but you know that you will eventually find another love if she chooses to leave.

 

You will get through this one way or the other, and there will be a brighter day in your future. I've been there and things will get better.

 

Best wishes

 

Scott