How do you deal with missing someone who was so wrong for you?

September 20, 2011

My ex (some of you will know this) is not exactly a nice guy and our relationship was very bad in part. I know I'm better off without him, but today I just woke up after another night of fitful sleep and nightmares, just really really missing him.

I'm doing the right things, no contact, keeping busy, reading self-help books, making lists, writing everything down etc.

I know he is an abusive horrible man but I still miss him, the good things about him and its really hard.

I'm tempted to do what he has done and go join a dating site to take my mind off things, to make myself feel attractive and less worthless, but obviously I know that that would be the completely wrong thing to do – I'm in no position to date anyone as long as I'm this emotionally unhealthy.

The relationship breakdown started around a month ago and our final contact was just one week ago so all very raw. 1 week no contact and I guess at least that is something I should be proud of.

How can you stop yourself missing somebody you intellectually know you should be grateful to be shot of? Its tough because nobody, understandably, has much sympathy or understanding for it.

Ugggghhhh. It hurts. Sorry, just venting. Thank you.

September 20, 2011

I know how you feel , my ex was so wring for me and I miss him so much . I just see the good sides and blame the bad times on myself , thinking maybe I'm too sensitive . I joined a dating site and went on a date with a nice man but cried at home afterwards . Since your ex was abusive , it's do hard as he had power over you . I wish I could help . I'm getting counselling and reading " getting past your break up " xx

September 20, 2011

Its so hard isn't it.

I'm wondering if there is something very wrong with me. My ex that I was with for 7 years and I broke up just over 2 years ago and I went into counselling for ages (my 3rd stint in therapy in my life...), went on antidepressants (again, something I've been on and off since my early 20s) and read all self help books such as Getting Past Your Break Up". I thought I was healed. I felt good, positive, confident, looking forward to the rest of my life. I felt I was in a good place.

Then I went in to this recent relationship which has obviously ended up being a disaster (though of course it was good initially) with a man who is actually fairly abusive. I don't se any pattern between him and previous partners at all. Could I have ended up with this guy if I had truly been healthy? Is it all my fault? Does therapy just not work on me? Am I doomed to never have a life partner? What's wrong with me?

September 20, 2011

Everyone falls in love with someone who's no good for them at one time or another, or else no one would ever break up! We'd all meet the perfect person and marry them right off the bat.

I'm in a situation where I'm really feeling a guy I know now and knew from the beginning was bad news (not abusive but I still know where you're coming from). The thing is, you can't control your emotions. But you knew that. And you also know intellectually that he's no good. SO KEEP KNOWING THAT and don't let your emotions win, because your emotions are WRONG.

And the emotions will go away and you'll wonder why you ever fell for him. :-)

I have deep respect for you for being able to know that someone is bad and stay away, because I was too weak to do it myself. Be strong!

And to the poster above me--abusive men can be really charming. Maybe you fell for another one because he wasn't showing you his true self and it's not because you were attracted to his abusiveness... what I'm getting at here (and I know it sounds really unintellectual but bear with me) is that maybe, just maybe, this time, you were just unlucky. It happens.

But maybe next time, you won't be unlucky.

September 20, 2011

Flea, hope this helps..

The beginnings of a toxic relationship with a person can be intoxicating when your partner is brimming with jubilation because you are in their life. After the honeymoon period, the inexplicable dark moments of resentment begin breaking through the infatuation and your partner acts in cold and even cruel ways. These extreme highs and lows are commonplace in “Toxic” relationships.

In the most troubled toxic relationships, it is not uncommon for a partner to unexpectedly abandon the relationship or do something so hurtful that one cannot continue. Your partner may emotionally discard you or become abusive - leaving you to feel oppressed and broken. Or you have invested yourself in the relationship and all the latest communication and relationship tools, but the relationship has eroded and you have no more to give. So they leave you - or you break up with them - or one of you finally decides not to reconcile, yet again.

Disengaging can be difficult. Rationally, you understand that leaving is the healthiest thing you can do now, yet your emotional attachment is undeniable. This conflict confuses and intensifies your struggle as you feel hopelessly trapped by your desires to rekindle a relationship that you know it isn't healthy - and may, in fact, not even be available to you. Often we obsess and ruminate over what our toxic partner might be doing or feeling, or who they might be seeing. We wonder if they ever really loved us and how we could be so easily discarded. Our emotions range between hurt, disbelief, and anger.

Breaking Up Was Never this Hard

Is it because they are so special? Sure they are special and this is a very significant loss for you - but the depth of your struggles has a lot more to do with the complexity of the relationship bond than the person. In some important way this relationship saved or rejuvenated you. The way your toxic partner hung on your every word, looked at you with admiring eyes and wanted you, filled an empty void.

Or, your toxic partner may have been insecure and needy and their problems inspired your sympathy and determination to resolve. Doing this made you feel exceptional, heroic, valuable.

As a result, you were willing to tolerate behavior beyond what you've known to be acceptable. You've felt certain that your toxic partner depended on you and that they would never leave. However challenging, you have been committed to see it through. Unknown to you, your toxic partner was on a complex journey that started long before the relationship began. You were their “knight in shining armor/Princess”, you were their hope, and the answer to disappointments that they have struggled with most of their life. Together, this made for an incredibly “loaded” relationship bond between the two of you.

Beliefs That Can Get You Stuck

Breaking up with a toxic partner is often difficult because we do not have a valid understanding of the disorder or our relationship bond. As a result we often misinterpret their actions and some of our own. Many of us struggle with some of the following false beliefs.

1) Belief that this person holds the key to your happiness

We often believe that our toxic partner is the master of our joy and the keeper of our sorrow. You may feel that they have touched the very depths of your soul. As hard as this is to believe right now, your perspective on this is likely a bit off. Idealization is a powerful “drug” - and it came along at a time in your life when you were very receptive to it. In time, you will come to realize that your partner's idealization of you, no matter how sincere, was a courting ritual and an overstatement of the real emotions at the time. You were special - but not that special.You will also come to realize that a lot of your elation was due to your own receptivity and openness and your hopes.

You will also come to realize that someone coming out of an extended traumatic relationship is often depressed and can not see things clearly in the end. You may feel anxious, confused, and you may be ruminating about your toxic partner. All of this distorts your perception reality. You may even be indulging in substance abuse to cope.

2) Belief that your Toxic partner feels the same way that you feel

If you believe that your toxic partner was experiencing the relationship in the same way that you were or that they are feeling the same way you do right now, don't count on it. This will only serve to confuse you and make it harder to understand what is really happening. When any relationship breaks down, it's often because the partners are on a different “page” - but much more so when the relationship suffers from toxicity. Unknown to you, there were likely significant periods of shame, fear, disappointment, resentment, and anger rising from below the surface during the entire relationship. What you have seen lately is not new - rather it's a culmination of feelings that often arise later in the relationship.

3) Belief that the relationship problems are caused by you or some circumstance

You concede that there are problems, and have pledged to do your part to resolve them.

Because there have been periods of extreme openness, honesty, humanity and thoughtfulness during the relationship, and even during the break-ups, your toxic partners concerns are very credible in your eyes.

But your toxic partner also has the rather unique ability to distort facts, details, and play on your insecurities to a point where fabrications are believable to you. As a result, both of you come to believe that you are the problem; that you are inadequate; that you need to change; even that you deserve to be punished or left behind. This is largely why you have accepted punishing behaviors; why you try to make amends and try to please; why you feel responsible.

4) Belief that love can prevail

Once these relationships seriously rupture, they are harder to repair than most - so many wounds from the past have been opened. Of course you have much invested in the relationship and your partner has been an integral part of your dreams and hopes - but there are greater forces at play now.

For you, significant emotional wounds have been inflicted upon an already wounded soul. To revitalize the relationship, you would need to recover from being a wounded victim and emerge as an informed and loving caretaker - it's not a simple journey. You need compassion and validation to heal - something your toxic partner most likely won't understand - you'd be on your own to find it.

They are coping by blaming much of it on you. For your partner, it is often much easier and safer to move on than to face all of the issues above.

5) Belief that things will return to "the way they used to be"

The idealization stages of a relationship with a toxic partner can be intoxicating and wonderful. But, as in any relationship, the "honeymoon" stage passes. The idealization that one or both of you would like to return to isn't sustainable. It never was. The loss of this dream (or the inability to transition in to a healthy next phase of love) may be what triggered the demise of the relationship to begin with.

A more realistic representation of your relationship is the one you have recently experienced.

6) Clinging to the words that were said

We often cling to the positive words and promises that were voiced and ignore or minimize the negative actions. You must let go of the words. It may break your heart to do so. But the fact is, the actions - all of them - are your truth.

7) Belief that absence makes the heart grow fonder

We often think that by holding back or depriving our toxic partner of “our love” - that they will “see the light”. We base this on all the times our partner expressed a fear that we would leave and how they needed us..Absence generally makes the heart grow colder (for the dumper) when a toxic relationship goes into meltdown.

8) Belief that you need to stay to help them.

You might want to stay to help your partner. Understand that you have become the trigger for your partner's bad feelings and bad behavior. Sure, you do not deliberately cause these feelings, but your presence is now triggering them. You are damaged. Right now, your primary responsibility really needs to be to yourself - your own emotional survival. If they try to lean on you, it's a greater kindness that you step away. Difficult, no doubt, but more responsible.

9) Belief that they have seen the light

Your partner (at some stage in the past) may have suddenly been on their best behavior or appearing very needy and trying to entice you back into the relationship. You, hoping that they are finally seeing things your way or really needing you, may venture back in - or you may struggle mightily to stay away.

What is this all about?

Well, at the end of any relationship there can be a series of break-ups and make-ups - disengaging is often a process, not an event. However when this process becomes protracted, it becomes toxic. At the end of a toxic relationship, this can happen. The emotional needs that fueled the relationship bond initially are now fueling a convoluted disengagement as one or both partners struggle against their deep enmeshment with the other and their internal conflicts about the break up. Either partner may go to extremes to reunite - even use the threat of suicide to get attention and evoke sympathies.

Make no mistake about what is happening. Don't be lulled into believing that the relationship is surviving or going through a phase. At this point, there are no rules. There are no clear loyalties. Each successive break-up increases the dysfunction of relationship and the dysfunction of the partners individually - and opens the door for very hurtful things to happen.

Edited September 20, 2011 by Mack05

September 20, 2011

It it impossibly hard. My family (including my kids) and my friends despise him. They don't get why I miss him at all.

I have lists of lists numbering why not to talk to him. I still want to, though.

I want him to want me completely. I want him to hold me and take care of me and value me. I want to wake up in his bed. I miss him desperately at times.

I'm realizing, though, I don't miss him. I miss the him my mind created.

I asked my therapist why I shouldn't stay with him. If my life is doomed to be one dysfunctional relationship after another, then I should stay with him because I am comfortable. I know how to deal with his dysfunction. It's crap thinking.

I've been in therapy my whole life off and on. I've tried to destroy myself numerous ways. I'm still here and I still, deep down, hate myself. I can only keep trying.

And so can you.

Miss him-he was a huge part of your life. Then remember the bad times and think of how lucky you are to be out. And don't feel guilty for missing him. You don't need the guilt.

September 20, 2011

Flea, I think it's time to look into Therapy. My last relationship was pure toxic as well. My ex and I have hurt each other irreparably. She genuinely hates me. The break up was brutal. I can tell you how I moved on. I made A LOT of mistakes during and after the break-up. Things I wish I could take back. For awhile, I was full of anger and bitterness. My ex in my eyes was a pyscho. I used to sit awake and think of ways I could take revenge on her.

One night I stopped myself. WTF! I said to myself, hang on Mack this is not you. You are not a bad hearted person, so stop this 'toxic thinking'. Therapy was a great help. It made me realise my ex is not a bad person. She is not a pyscho (despite the weeks I spent trying to prove otherwise, trying to prove my validation of her ruining the relationship). I just brought the worst sides out in her. She brought the worst sides out in me. The feelings we shared were genuine. That is why disengaging was so hard. When we were good, we were very good. When we were bad, it was toxic.

Make no mistake toxic relationships are the most difficult to overcome. I used two tools to help me move on.

1) I focused on my mistakes in the relationship and stop focusing on her. Toxic relationships are down to two people!. Flea I can read between the lines here. You are far from innocent in all this. The same with me. My ex posted a vicious attack on me on this website. I don't agree with most of it BUT she had every right to be angry at me considering all the mistakes that I had made in the relationship. I was determined to never repeat those mistakes again. I brought all this inwards towards me. I tried to understand why I criticised her so much for her past decisions. Why I pushed her to talk about things, she never wanted to talk about. Apparently this is called emotional abuse. I never heard that saying before! You can be sure that will never happen with me again. I read books, talked to family and my therapist. I got to the route of the problem and became so self aware. Am I perfect? No far from it but I am very proud of the work I have done on myself and continue to do on myself. I have a girlfriend now. I adore her, she is amazing. I still put in the work on myself, because I would do anything to make her happy and I don't want to repeat my previous mistakes in other relationships. I don't believe I will, because I have become so self aware and because I am determined to be as good a man as I can be.

2) I forgave my ex. This is a VERY hard thing to do. Forgive someone who has hurt us to much. But I forgave my ex, genuinely forgave her. I truly want her happy, even if that is without me. I will never know why she did the things she did. The truth is it doesn't matter. Forgiveness frees us to really move on. "If we want to win we got to let them go. Forgive them and move on. Other wise we give them too much power over us. And they don’t deserve it".

Believe me you are going to come out of this Flea, and not only that you will come out of it a better more rounded person. When you have Therapy done and the hard personal work on yourself (i.e. you have rebuilt your self esteem) then you will be ready to meet someone new. When we are happy within ourselves we attract the right kind of people and those relationships have a FAR better chance of success

Edited September 20, 2011 by Mack05

September 20, 2011

Hi Mack, are there any books you can recommend about how to avoid such relationships in the future?

Thanks

Viv

September 20, 2011

My ex (some of you will know this) is not exactly a nice guy and our relationship was very bad in part. I know I'm better off without him, but today I just woke up after another night of fitful sleep and nightmares, just really really missing him.

I'm doing the right things, no contact, keeping busy, reading self-help books, making lists, writing everything down etc.

I know he is an abusive horrible man but I still miss him, the good things about him and its really hard.

I'm tempted to do what he has done and go join a dating site to take my mind off things, to make myself feel attractive and less worthless, but obviously I know that that would be the completely wrong thing to do – I'm in no position to date anyone as long as I'm this emotionally unhealthy.

The relationship breakdown started around a month ago and our final contact was just one week ago so all very raw. 1 week no contact and I guess at least that is something I should be proud of.

How can you stop yourself missing somebody you intellectually know you should be grateful to be shot of? Its tough because nobody, understandably, has much sympathy or understanding for it.

Ugggghhhh. It hurts. Sorry, just venting. Thank you.

You are not alone hun. Not alone at all (*hugs*)

September 20, 2011

Hi Mack, are there any books you can recommend about how to avoid such relationships in the future?

Thanks

Viv

Hi Viv. The books I would recommend are..

1) How to break your addiction to a person ->

http://www.amazon.com/How-Break-Your.../dp/0553382497

2) "Getting past your breakup" by Susan J Elliot ->

http://www.amazon.com/Getting-Past-Your-Breakup-Devastating/dp/0738213284/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1316517148&sr=8-1

3) "Why Can't You Read My Mind? Overcoming the 9 Toxic Thought Patterns that Get in the Way of a Loving Relationship" ->

http://www.amazon.com/Overcoming-Thought-Patterns-Loving-Relationship/dp/1569244758/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1316517182&sr=1-1

September 20, 2011

Thankyou, will order them!

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