Barrington Posted September 15, 2011 Share Posted September 15, 2011 My ex ended things with us back at the turn of the year. Things hadn't been so good for a while, primarily down to me and certain mistakes I had made (boozing too much), but for the last four months before she ended it, I thought we were making some good progress and getting back on track. After at first trying to convince her that this was a bad move, I decided immediately upon a non-contact strategy although I would reply to her if she contacted me. For around the first four months, she was in contact roughly once every week to ten days, sometimes for an obvious reason, others that were pretty ambiguous. Twice in that period I told her that I still had feelings for her but she said she felt that too much had happened for us to get back to where we were. Between May and August I heard nothing from her and had genuinely made a bit of peace with the situation and had, and still have, adopted a kind of 'what will be will be' attitude to the situation. Then out of the blue, she contacted me with a fairly pointless story about how some friends of hers had met a friend of mine on holiday. As before, I was polite and friendly. She then sent me a birthday wish and then, after seeing some things on Facebook, she text me to ask about my holiday, including asking me about who I was with. She also directly addressed me on Facebook and 'Liked' someone's post on my page (bringing Facebook into this feels pathetic ). A few days later, I came straight out and asked her what she wanted from me. She got upset and said that she didn't 'want' anything and kind of lurched from one excuse to the next when I pointed out that the initiation of contact had been practically a one way street since she ended things eight months ago. We met in a bar shortly after this and she came and stood with me and my friends while we watched a ball game on TV and we chatted for a while. I held back and was a little awkward as I'm genuinely confused about how she sees me and what roles we have in each other's lives. It just seems that every time I'm ready to take steps to move on she comes back into my life. Any girls able to tell me what's going on in her mind? Link to post Share on other sites
Besmy Posted September 15, 2011 Share Posted September 15, 2011 Hello Barrington, I think there are 2 possibilities: 1. she is a nasty person and is frustrated by your indifference. She is not happy to see that you can live without her and keeps bothering you. 2. she wants you back. I don't know her so I cannot express an opinion as to what applies here, but you should be in a position to tell, according to her verbal and body language. Now the point is: do you want her back? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Barrington Posted September 19, 2011 Author Share Posted September 19, 2011 Hello Barrington, I think there are 2 possibilities: 1. she is a nasty person and is frustrated by your indifference. She is not happy to see that you can live without her and keeps bothering you. 2. she wants you back. I don't know her so I cannot express an opinion as to what applies here, but you should be in a position to tell, according to her verbal and body language. Now the point is: do you want her back? No, she's not a nasty person in the slightest and I don't think she wants me back either. Not right now anyway. She knows I would take her back in a minute so there's no need for her to play any games. Any other ideas? Link to post Share on other sites
geegirl Posted September 19, 2011 Share Posted September 19, 2011 (edited) She probably still likes you as a person and your company but nothing that your are hopeful for. And it's safe to say that it helps her ego to have you adoring her and wanting her. Standing by your side watching a game, posting a "like" on FB, sending meaningless texts means nothing. Why don't you listen to her when she says she wants nothing to do with you romantically. We hold on to meaningless gestures when what we need to do is listen to words that are loud and clear. If you want any chance with her, disappear. NC and mean it. If her hints mean anything more than that, you will hear and see in action that she wants you back. No crumbs of any sort. What you are doing is not attractive to a woman. No begging and asking. Just grow a backbone and step away. If I were you, I'd be upfront with her and tell her that while you still love her and enjoy her company, you can't continue anymore as you are hurt and will need space and time to heal and that you will hope that she respects your need for no contact. If she cares for you, she will respect your request. If she is selfish, she will kick up a storm. That will tell you who she really is. If you NC and she does not come back, then she was not meant for you. If you NC and she comes back (only with promise to work on an R), you'll be well on your way to gaining mental clarity as to whether you want to proceed with her or not. Either way, you win. ps: She keeps coming back into your life, presenting you with nothing, only because you allow it. If you allow it, she will do it. Edited September 19, 2011 by geegirl Link to post Share on other sites
Author Barrington Posted September 20, 2011 Author Share Posted September 20, 2011 She probably still likes you as a person and your company but nothing that your are hopeful for. And it's safe to say that it helps her ego to have you adoring her and wanting her. Standing by your side watching a game, posting a "like" on FB, sending meaningless texts means nothing. Why don't you listen to her when she says she wants nothing to do with you romantically. We hold on to meaningless gestures when what we need to do is listen to words that are loud and clear. If you want any chance with her, disappear. NC and mean it. If her hints mean anything more than that, you will hear and see in action that she wants you back. No crumbs of any sort. What you are doing is not attractive to a woman. No begging and asking. Just grow a backbone and step away. If I were you, I'd be upfront with her and tell her that while you still love her and enjoy her company, you can't continue anymore as you are hurt and will need space and time to heal and that you will hope that she respects your need for no contact. If she cares for you, she will respect your request. If she is selfish, she will kick up a storm. That will tell you who she really is. If you NC and she does not come back, then she was not meant for you. If you NC and she comes back (only with promise to work on an R), you'll be well on your way to gaining mental clarity as to whether you want to proceed with her or not. Either way, you win. ps: She keeps coming back into your life, presenting you with nothing, only because you allow it. If you allow it, she will do it. On the first bold part, I do hear her. Very clearly. Believe me. On the second bold part, I'm not doing anything. I leave her be, she gets in contact, I'm polite and friendly in return. I don't initiate contact, but I don't ignore her. I certainly don't beg, and while I still love her, I'm doing not too badly at getting on with my life. But I take your point, perhaps total NC is the way forward. I guess the whole point of this post was to try to figure out why she stills wants to keep contacting me after ending things as when I've ended relationships, I've acted very differently. I certainly wouldn't be contacting a girl the best part of a year after finishing with her to make small talk. Link to post Share on other sites
silly_panda Posted September 20, 2011 Share Posted September 20, 2011 Barrington... By you replying to all her text/messages, it gives her the power over you... I'm not saying that replying her is a bad thing... But by doing that shows that you are always there for her when she needed you (and this is not so good during post break up)... And by you coming straight out asking her what she wanted gives her more power over you... You showed emotions and it kinda telling her you are still not over her... Even though you are still not over her, you can't show that to her... That's what make guys appear to be not attractive to women... I think you should take and consider geegirl's advice... She always gives great advice... Link to post Share on other sites
geegirl Posted September 20, 2011 Share Posted September 20, 2011 On the first bold part, I do hear her. Very clearly. Believe me. On the second bold part, I'm not doing anything. I leave her be, she gets in contact, I'm polite and friendly in return. I don't initiate contact, but I don't ignore her. I certainly don't beg, and while I still love her, I'm doing not too badly at getting on with my life. But I take your point, perhaps total NC is the way forward. I guess the whole point of this post was to try to figure out why she stills wants to keep contacting me after ending things as when I've ended relationships, I've acted very differently. I certainly wouldn't be contacting a girl the best part of a year after finishing with her to make small talk. On the first part you hear, you hear her. If you hear her, then act on what she is saying and let her go. On the second part, you are doing something. You have approached her twice about getting back together, even after she's been loud and clear and you've heard her loud and clear. Stop asking. You are not your ex-girlfriend. While you would kindly leave a past R to rest, she has her own motive to keep reviving it. I've told you why she may possibly want to revive it. With all that said, through all this time, what has she shown you that indicates she would like you back in her life romantically? Nothing. She may still like your company or she may be getting a huge ego boost from you still engaging with her, but other than that, she's not giving you any indication or anything of substance for you to hold on to or construe as romantic interest. When someone wants you, they will show you. Anything other is just game playing. Link to post Share on other sites
geegirl Posted September 20, 2011 Share Posted September 20, 2011 Barrington... By you replying to all her text/messages, it gives her the power over you... I'm not saying that replying her is a bad thing... But by doing that shows that you are always there for her when she needed you (and this is not so good during post break up)... And by you coming straight out asking her what she wanted gives her more power over you... You showed emotions and it kinda telling her you are still not over her... Even though you are still not over her, you can't show that to her... That's what make guys appear to be not attractive to women... I think you should take and consider geegirl's advice... She always gives great advice... Everything Silly P said! She broke it down well. Link to post Share on other sites
silly_panda Posted September 20, 2011 Share Posted September 20, 2011 Everything Silly P said! She broke it down well. I'm a guy... Link to post Share on other sites
geegirl Posted September 20, 2011 Share Posted September 20, 2011 I'm a guy... And I am a Silly Me! Sorry bout that! Link to post Share on other sites
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