My girlfriend has a still-abusive ex-boyfriend, what do I do?

[tripledubs]

I'm in the middle. She loves me, but she loves him too. Things had been going very well for half a year. She told me about her last boyfriend (dated for 2 years), whom hit her on multiple occasions and raped her when she broke up with him. Now recently, he has been going to her house to talk to her. He has found out about me, and yesterday she let him in her house AGAIN after I told her to be careful and he got angry and hit her. No matter how many times I tell her to let him go because he is a horrible person and will keep hurting you, she keeps talking to him and bringing him into her life. He is driving us apart and I dont know what to do. I love this girl to death and it hurts being in this situation, but I dont want to leave and have her still being hurt; by me and him. HELP PLEASE. I'm begging you.

 

P.S. She refuses to tell any authorities or parents. She won't help herself, which adds more to the problem of me trying to help her. It's horrible.

[LoveandSuch]

I'm in the middle. She loves me, but she loves him too. Things had been going very well for half a year. She told me about her last boyfriend (dated for 2 years), whom hit her on multiple occasions and raped her when she broke up with him. Now recently, he has been going to her house to talk to her. He has found out about me, and yesterday she let him in her house AGAIN after I told her to be careful and he got angry and hit her. No matter how many times I tell her to let him go because he is a horrible person and will keep hurting you, she keeps talking to him and bringing him into her life. He is driving us apart and I dont know what to do. I love this girl to death and it hurts being in this situation, but I dont want to leave and have her still being hurt; by me and him. HELP PLEASE. I'm begging you.

 

P.S. She refuses to tell any authorities or parents. She won't help herself, which adds more to the problem of me trying to help her. It's horrible.

 

She obviously not too terrified if she is allowing him in her house, and it might be an attention seeking/validation drama situation, and you are her knight in shining armor. You said it, she will not help herself, and continues with the drama. Doesn't sound like she is getting her teeth knocked out and broken ribs....requiring ER visits....drama queen and you are her next sucker!

[Dark Phoenix]

Call the authorities yourself. If she really does love you then she will understand, if not she will break up with you. but in either case you will be able to walk away knowing she won't get hurt any more, and knowing that you did everything in your power to stop what was happening.

 

 

It's a tough decision but it has to be made.

[wilsonx]

This is actually a relationship that you need to get out of. There is nothing you can do. This is already stressing you out to the point of you have no idea what to do. You have little to no say in who she chooses to be friends with. That's her comfort level and she continues to allow it. There is nothing you can do to change this.

 

If you are completely uncomfortable with this situation, you are ultimately responsible for yourself. I will warn you that if she keeps talking to him like you say she is, your relationship with her might actually be closer to an end then you think. One thing you need to learn is that you can not change somebody at all. They are responsible for changing who they are and usually people need to be on their own to start change.

 

Sometimes, the best thing to do for someone that you love is to let them go. Some people don't have the normal life that you and I have. For them this is normal and being in relationships with people like us isn't normal and they aren't use to being safe and comfortable.

[The_Good_Me]

I think Dark Phoenix & Wilson are both right here and if I were you, I would blend the 2 responses.

 

There is a human being here being physically abused and it is not something any decent person can walk away from without doing something. You care for her so pick up that phone and call the authorities. That's step one.

 

Step two is to leave this girl as I believe what Wilson said is correct. She needs to break this pattern she's in, break the bond she has with the abusive ex and she needs time to heal & the opportunity to change.

 

Tell her you have taken control of the situation because you care for her and can no longer stand to see her getting hurt. What was happening had gotten out of control and you saw no other alternative. Tell her you wish her well, that she needs to be with family and friends to get over the hell she's been through.

 

Whatever happens mate, stop this abuse! You simply have to stop her getting hurt or you won't sleep at night if you allow it to continue.

 

Good luck mate, be strong for both you and her.

[geegirl]

You can't rescue someone that does not want to be rescued.

 

The fact that she readily accepts him into her home and life is a sign that her psyche is acceptable of physical abuse and no amount of you telling her, begging her, calling the authorities is going to change that. You can call the authorities to feel that you are doing your part in saving someone you love but once all that blows over, she will let him back in again. The victim is of the mentality that abuse is love. A very distorted sense of what's wrong and right. Her self esteem is completely depleted because he has control over her. She is not afraid of his actions and is allowing him into her life openly because she is acceptable of his terms and what he has to offer, even if it is a few slaps and a punch in the face.

 

You cannot change her perception that it is not acceptable nor can you make her want to walk away from him. Abusive relationships are all about control. And he has that over her and until she hits rock bottom, then you can help rescue her. It may happen or it may never because she is too broken to ever be able to grasp reality.

 

If she wants to be treated this way, there is nothing you can do. You need to remove yourself from the situation. She has to learn on her own. You being involved is just going to be a soft place for her to fall, and still, she will go back to that toxicity because she is co-dependent, addicted, controlled, weak and easily manipulated, believing it is love.

[Daremo_06]

You can't rescue someone that does not want to be rescued.

 

The fact that she readily accepts him into her home and life is a sign that her psyche is acceptable of physical abuse and no amount of you telling her, begging her, calling the authorities is going to change that. You can call the authorities to feel that you are doing your part in saving someone you love but once all that blows over, she will let him back in again. The victim is of the mentality that abuse is love. A very distorted sense of what's wrong and right. Her self esteem is completely depleted because he has control over her. She is not afraid of his actions and is allowing him into her life openly because she is acceptable of his terms and what he has to offer, even if it is a few slaps and a punch in the face.

 

You cannot change her perception that it is not acceptable nor can you make her want to walk away from him. Abusive relationships are all about control. And he has that over her and until she hits rock bottom, then you can help rescue her. It may happen or it may never because she is too broken to ever be able to grasp reality.

 

If she wants to be treated this way, there is nothing you can do. You need to remove yourself from the situation. She has to learn on her own. You being involved is just going to be a soft place for her to fall, and still, she will go back to that toxicity because she is co-dependent, addicted, controlled, weak and easily manipulated, believing it is love.

 

Glee is right on about her and that you can't help someone that doesnt want to be helped, BUT I also agree that you should call the authorities. Perhaps that will get her to realize she has an issue. Then again, she may go right back to doing the same thing.

 

Good luck!