Going from living together to apart

[Dust]

When me and my gf first started dating things were slow, but 2 months later and we were spending every night together. About 6 months or so into knowing each other we were living together. Now in a few months we will have been together 3 years. The thing is it now seems very much like we won’t be living together anymore.

 

I met her in grad school. We both graduated from Grad school in May 2010. She worked a lot harder then me and got a job. I on the other hand have really struggled. I paid my half of the rent this year with loan money I still had available to me. I mostly only looked for jobs in the city we live in. I didn’t work during grad school and now I hadn’t worked all year up until recently. I had run out of money and I pretty much had to work. So I have a temp job which pays $13 an hour and for now atleast I’m getting 40 hours a week. Really I should be making a salary that would get me $20+ an hour and getting experience in the field I’m interested in. Any ways she makes a good deal more money then me now. Also her jobs more secure. I don’t feel that incredibly secure with the job I have now like the hours could be cut not to mention I still want to find a job in my career field.

 

I got my current temp job only a few weeks ago. Before that I wasn’t sure what was going to happen to me. I pretty much applied to well over 100 jobs that weren’t in my field over the course of a day or two because I was desperate and lucked out and got my current job. Our lease was ending soon so I told her go ahead and find a place she could afford on her own. She picked an expensive one bedroom close to her work that is more expensive then the 2b/2b we share the rent on now. We split $950 rent plus util for the nice 2b/2b we have now. Her new one bedroom place is like $1000.

 

I made the offer to her that I would give her $250 plus half of util if she would let me live with her at her new place. Her new place is specifically by her career job only 3 miles away tops, like a 5 min or less drive. I on the other hand have no career job. The low paying in comparison job I have is probably 30 miles away from the place she picked and a minimum 40 minute to an hour drive. So coupled with the fact that I make a lot less and the place is no where near the job I currently have I was hoping she would just be cool with me paying $250 of her 1k rent and half of util. She isn’t. She isn’t really open to much. Now that I have this job I suggested us signing a short term lease some where in-between our two jobs likes a 3 or 6 month lease and trying to get low rent like a 700$ place to split. She isn’t open to that.

 

I’ve been upset about other things to. For a long time a lot of the passion in our relationship has been gone. She just never seems in the mood for sex and we really don’t have it enough for my liking. She also stresses me out by always being so upset about something. I just find her so childish some times.

 

On the other hand I find her to be the most beautiful girl I know. I think she is so smart and funny. We have a lot of fun together. It would just really suck to lose her.

 

I haven’t told any of my friends or family about this stuff. I feel guilty even posting it here and hope she doesn’t some how find it and read it as I know some stuff may come off wrong.

 

My feeling is just things seem to be going backwards and I feel like we will probably break up if she doesn’t just let me live with her under the terms or some kind of non 50/50 split. It just sux I would have loved to have gotten a good job like her in my career in the area we both like. It just seems like I may have to widen my search to my entire state, heck maybe even to other states. I’m embarrassed and the economy has a lot to do with my situation but I equally have been to blame. Even though I always applied to jobs I could have applied to more and just done more networking. Even now I could be doing more. I really just enjoyed not working for so long. Even now that I have this new job I come home and play video games. The only job I applied for since I got the temp job I work now was a resume I gave my gf to give to a contact she made for me. See she did something sweet for me by passing my resume a long to some one who is hiring in our field.

 

So to sum it up she stresses me out, the sex between us has sucked lately because she never seems in the mood, and finally I can’t afford to pay half the rent at the new one bedroom place she picked and we probably aren’t going to live together.

 

I feel we very well might break up. Which would suck because if I could just work through some problems like staying together, me making more money, us fighting less, and in my mind the most important her giving me enthusiastic regular sex wed be great. She is marriage material. She so pretty, so smart, and knows how to have fun. I’m just in pain over this situation and in anticipation of us moving this month. If I don’t live with her I still haven’t figured out who I will even live with yet. Probably some random person I find off craigslist that I can get a room for 400 or preferably less no farther then 8 mins from my current job and really preferably month to month so I can hopefully find a real job any where I want.

[Els]

My feeling is just things seem to be going backwards and I feel like we will probably break up if she doesn’t just let me live with her under the terms or some kind of non 50/50 split. It just sux I would have loved to have gotten a good job like her in my career in the area we both like. It just seems like I may have to widen my search to my entire state, heck maybe even to other states. I’m embarrassed and the economy has a lot to do with my situation but I equally have been to blame. Even though I always applied to jobs I could have applied to more and just done more networking. Even now I could be doing more. I really just enjoyed not working for so long. Even now that I have this new job I come home and play video games. The only job I applied for since I got the temp job I work now was a resume I gave my gf to give to a contact she made for me. See she did something sweet for me by passing my resume a long to some one who is hiring in our field.

 

So to sum it up she stresses me out, the sex between us has sucked lately because she never seems in the mood, and finally I can’t afford to pay half the rent at the new one bedroom place she picked and we probably aren’t going to live together.

 

I dunno, would you perhaps think the bolded is the reason she isn't interested in sex with you anymore? There are many things girls do that lowers their sex appeal in the eyes of men, and conversely I would say that the bolded is a pretty surefire way for a man to lower his sex appeal in the eyes of his gf. One might say that it is not fair that a lazy and unambitious girl would probably still have guys interested in having sex in her, whereas it's probably the #1 attraction killer for a guy to be lazy and unambitious... but it's the way life is, I'm afraid. If it makes you feel better, a man with a few extra pounds and lots of leg hair, who drinks a great deal and curses, would usually seem less unattractive than a woman who does the same.

 

So, what can you do about it? You could break up with her, and that may open up your options to apply for jobs in other states, yes. That may be the best option for your life, after all. On the other hand, you could just accept not living together for a while til you get your career back on track - not living together temporarily should really not be the death knell of a committed relationship, especially if you are still within an hour's driving distance. I do think it is unfair for you to expect her to foot out 3/4th of the bill so that you can live with her, when she seems pretty happy about living apart temporarily, especially since your financial situation now is admittedly your own doing. It is definitely not something you should expect of a SO, or give them an ultimatum for.

 

And please, start applying for jobs instead of playing video games when you get home, whichever path you decide to take. I apologize if my advice sounded harsh, but I mean it sincerely, and you yourself dish out tough love advice to other posters, so I assumed you could take it.

[Dust]

Even though I always applied to jobs I could have applied to more and just done more networking. Even now I could be doing more. I really just enjoyed not working for so long. Even now that I have this new job I come home and play video games. The only job I applied for since I got the temp job I work now was a resume I gave my gf to give to a contact she made for me. See she did something sweet for me by passing my resume a long to some one who is hiring in our field.

 

I dunno, would you perhaps think the bolded is the reason she isn't interested in sex with you anymore? There are many things girls do that lowers their sex appeal in the eyes of men, and conversely I would say that the bolded is a pretty surefire way for a man to lower his sex appeal in the eyes of his gf. One might say that it is not fair that a lazy and unambitious girl would probably still have guys interested in having sex in her, whereas it's probably the #1 attraction killer for a guy to be lazy and unambitious... but it's the way life is, I'm afraid. If it makes you feel better, a man with a few extra pounds and lots of leg hair, who drinks a great deal and curses, would usually seem less unattractive than a woman who does the same.

 

My problems with her have been going on before my recent bout of unemployment. Being unemployed has surely heightened any problems though. I mean from my perspective when you don’t have a job it’s that much easier to be really upset about the lack of sex, and the lack of enthusiasm.

 

We’ve been going out for going on 3 years. I’ve only truly been unemployed for about 1 year. I’ve been working now earning around $500 a week for 3 weeks now. Even though I’ve been unemployed I was still able to pay my half of rent, utilities, and the fun stuff we’ve done like theme parks, concerts, restaurants, movies etc.

 

So my verdict is that I was upset about the sex thing years ago. Pretty much it slowly started being more of a problem little by little right after the honey moon phase which lasted under a year. It truly is my biggest problem with her. We also argue about stupid stuff and she really stresses me out some times and I know I do the same to her. Like I said I still care very deeply for her and love her in every way possible. It’s just I feel its going to end.

 

But yes being unemployed I will say again certainly heightens any problems even if just a little that’s to much.

 

 

So' date=' what can you do about it? You [b']could [/b]break up with her, and that may open up your options to apply for jobs in other states, yes. That may be the best option for your life, after all. On the other hand, you could just accept not living together for a while til you get your career back on track - not living together temporarily should really not be the death knell of a committed relationship, especially if you are still within an hour's driving distance. I do think it is unfair for you to expect her to foot out 3/4th of the bill so that you can live with her, when she seems pretty happy about living apart temporarily, especially since your financial situation now is admittedly your own doing. It is definitely not something you should expect of a SO, or give them an ultimatum for.

 

At first I was applying places that were hours a way. Then I got a job interview and decided to cancel it. I didn’t even go because it was to far from where my gf lived. From then on I didn’t apply much and only applied to stuff close to home.

 

I did it for selfish reasons. I had so much fun not working. I would read, write, play and watch movies. Really it would have been perfect if not for the guilt I felt from my family and heck friends and gf. Looking back I do some what regret what I’ve done. I’ve also learned so much though.

 

Things always came easy to me. In a sense they still are coming easy to me. When I was boy I had a job offered to me. Then when I was a teenager my friends parents let me work as a bus boy. Then in high school I got a job as a salesman and I would make $20 and hour. I actually used to make so much money that I would work for a year and then retire for a year. In fact I’m getting into my upper 20’s and if you don’t count the work I did before I was 18 while in HS I only worked about 3 years in my adult life.

 

So, right before I went to grad school I had lucked into a nice job with a major corporation. You know the kind of corporate job the provides you with a private gym membership, movie theatre 100% paid medical benefits. A real cushy job for a college grad where I was making upwards of 60k a year. Which for a guy with no house, no kids, no wife had me feeling pretty rich. I then decided to go to grad school after working a year. I learned a lot it really opened my eyes to many things and I really actually learned more then I even knew I could.

 

The thing is I was prone to bouts of not working and now I had basically gone a 4 year stretch with out working. So now I’m finally working again. I’m not in my field and I’m only making a little over 500$ a week so while that is easy to live on when you are a single man I’m not making what I know I should and I’m not working in the field I want to be in yet.

 

I’ve never been good at networking or applying to a lot of jobs. I guess it seems I’ve always been lucky. I know what I need to do, at least I know what I need to try and where I need to start. I guess I need to beat my lazy demons and go to the next level. Evolve.

 

As for us not living together I don’t blame her, yet I do blame her. For a while I was worried I might not even get a job. I mean I was applying to maybe 5 or 6 good jobs a week. I didn’t apply to that many bad ones. Like I’d apply to Target or some other lame job and not hear back and that would be that. Finally I had to face the reality that I was running out of loan money. I mean I shouldn’t have even been spending all that loan money in the first place but now I wouldn’t even have that. So I started applying to more jobs. Then when I got really scared I applied to like over 100 crappy (what I consider crappy) jobs in like one or two days. Then I got lucky and one out of those hundreds I applied to contacted me. I actually was worried it was a scam. Seemed to good to be true a 13$ an hour full time office type job. Anyways I’ve been working through the temp agency for 3 weeks now and the checks have been directly deposited every Friday so now I’m slowly crawling back out of my hole.

Before though when I thought all hope was lost and I had screwed up and lost my nest egg I was afraid I would have to move back in with family. I told my gf when our lease is up in August just plan to live some where you can afford the rent on your own with out my help. I never expected she would just let me live there free. The thing is now that I’m making money I can afford to give her something. The thing is she picked a place more expensive then the 2b/2b place we share now. It’s a 1b/1b that’s 1000 something compared to the 900 dollar something place we split now. Add on top of that its like 2 miles from her work and probably 30 from mine and you see the picture. She drive 10 miles for work a week… I’d be driving 300 something a week. I offered her 250 plus half of utilities she thinks I should pay half. She doesn’t want to live some where in-between and really there’d be no point in that since I want to quit the job I’m at now. Also what would really help is a cheaper place. The thing is cheaper places aren’t as nice.

 

If the tables were turned and I picked a place I could live at alone and she was working far away for many times less money I would make a you pay 25% plus half of util deal with her.

 

 

And please' date=' start applying for jobs instead of playing video games when you get home, whichever path you decide to take. I apologize if my advice sounded harsh, but I mean it sincerely, and you yourself dish out tough love advice to other posters, so I assumed you could take it.[/quote']

 

 

 

I just have to make a plan and start implementing it now. Even if I just work hard at it for like 2 hours a day that would probably be enough. I just have so many options and yet so many obstacles that I need to focus. I’ll do good once I’m on some kind of path. Getting on the path is the hard part though.

 

Part of me wants to start my own business. I some what regret not doing that already. The thing is the though of guaranteed expenses and no guaranteed income scares me. Also I will do damage to my reputation in my field if I start a business and fail not that I would fail. I’m just so afraid of working to much. I love the field I’m in but every one these days just seems to want you on call 24/7 and it pisses me off. I need a work life and home life. That’s why its hard now to work and then come home and have to work more which looking online for jobs, writing cover letters, customizing my resume, going through applications that require me to list every applicable class I took is work. But then again it will be a great victory and joyous celebration to feel like I’m doing the right thing again. To get rid of my guilt.

[Dust]

Also I’m not to thrilled about having to live with some stranger. Although I have been lucky in the past and had some pretty great roommates. I’ll probably just look on craigslist for roommates since other sites seem to charge unless some one recommends something good and free.

[Dust]

I just made a big poop in my pants...

 

Just kidding! I’m only trying to bump my thread to see if I get any more insight.