bluenightowl Posted July 31, 2011 Share Posted July 31, 2011 This is probably not a new thread, but I'm curious how people manage such situations. I think there are two trains of thought: 1) respond with a simple - thanks bye type message 2) no response at all Which do you think is better and why? Link to post Share on other sites
WeatherMe Posted July 31, 2011 Share Posted July 31, 2011 It really depends on the situation and context. Was it nasty? Do you share things? Will you have to see the person again? Is it a definite break up? Link to post Share on other sites
Author bluenightowl Posted July 31, 2011 Author Share Posted July 31, 2011 It really depends on the situation and context. Was it nasty? Do you share things? Will you have to see the person again? Is it a definite break up? no, not nasty.. but she decided to date someone else and made a big deal about the chemistry.. doubt I would see her again, but she did want to be friends. Link to post Share on other sites
ScienceGal Posted July 31, 2011 Share Posted July 31, 2011 If I am ever in a situation like that I again, I wouldn't respond at all. My ex broke up with me in an email, which is cowardly and disrespectful. I didn't consider this at the time, and immediately responded. It didn't change a thing and actually ended up making me feel worse for giving him any information as to what I was thinking/feeling. If you feel the need to write something, do it but don't send it. Keep it to yourself, or post it on here. Link to post Share on other sites
just_scott Posted July 31, 2011 Share Posted July 31, 2011 Ohh if i'm ever in this sitution know matter who it's with ,how long we've been together,or how i feel about her i'd definatly RESPOND '' HEY thanks for the e-mail you beat me to the punch '' she's breaking up anyways soo why not just have some fun with it 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author bluenightowl Posted July 31, 2011 Author Share Posted July 31, 2011 Ohh if i'm ever in this sitution know matter who it's with ,how long we've been together,or how i feel about her i'd definatly RESPOND '' HEY thanks for the e-mail you beat me to the punch '' she's breaking up anyways soo why not just have some fun with it sounds too immature and bitter to me. Doe anyone here take the high road and just figure you were not compatible and wish them well. Link to post Share on other sites
SelfControl Posted July 31, 2011 Share Posted July 31, 2011 'just_scott' has it right. My wording would be: 'I was thinking the same thing. Glad you brought it up first. It's been fun.' This is not immature (breaking up by email is immature) or bitter. It is a sign of strength. You are letting her know that you are not lettting this get to you, even though on the inside you are dying. Trust me, she'll respect you for it and you'll respect yourself for having the courage to do it and actually be ok with the breakup. Link to post Share on other sites
Author bluenightowl Posted July 31, 2011 Author Share Posted July 31, 2011 'just_scott' has it right. My wording would be: 'I was thinking the same thing. Glad you brought it up first. It's been fun.' This is not immature (breaking up by email is immature) or bitter. It is a sign of strength. You are letting her know that you are not lettting this get to you, even though on the inside you are dying. Trust me, she'll respect you for it and you'll respect yourself for having the courage to do it and actually be ok with the breakup. hmm. well following that logic then why not just use the silent treatment and just go for no contact and say nothing in response. then you don't risk making a mistake and saying nothing says a lot. and usually makes a person wonder... or is saying nothing immature.. and makes one look bitter and wounded? Link to post Share on other sites
just_scott Posted August 1, 2011 Share Posted August 1, 2011 well right a ''break up e mail'' is immature as is a text , a note.HEY you started your relationship face to face you should have the ''BALLS'' to end it face to face no matter what the circumstances of the break up are ..... AS for the silent treatment to a break up e-mail why ? that just leaves too many questions like why wont he /she reply are they upset ? did they not get the message ? do they think i'm joking , drunk etc ..... THEY have the immature level to send a break up e-mail i'd at least have the courtesy to reply to it in my verry own manner THEN go no contact to bring home the point ,,, Link to post Share on other sites
alphamale Posted August 1, 2011 Share Posted August 1, 2011 no response at all because then they have to fill in the blank and the imagination runs wild Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted August 1, 2011 Share Posted August 1, 2011 I've always 'broken up' or 'been broken up with' in person or over the phone so no personal data points to add, but I'd likely respond to such a 'manifesto' with a silence sandwich. Someone reduced their emotions and perspective to concise words in a document. Can't argue with that. Don't want to. ETA the why.... break up e-mails and texts are about as 'care less' as one can get. The only way to care less than that is to disappear, which some women have done in my past. They've been good teachers Link to post Share on other sites
wilsonx Posted August 1, 2011 Share Posted August 1, 2011 Ive broken up before with an email. Dumpers do not expect a response. Its over. You can call cowardice or any other word you want to but if the dumpee does something that betrays your trust to the point where you do not want to ever see their face again its the logical thing to do. I will give her credit though, she told you the truth. Just accept it, tell her to pound sand on the friendship and move forward Link to post Share on other sites
Star Gazer Posted August 1, 2011 Share Posted August 1, 2011 I've never received a breakup email, that I can think of. I think I'd feel compelled to respond in some fashion, at least to acknowledge receipt. What I said specifically would depend on the context of the relationship and breakup. Link to post Share on other sites
Sugarkane Posted August 1, 2011 Share Posted August 1, 2011 Man its a low way of breaking up with someone. My ex dumped me by text after a year of dating. So as you could understand I was extremely mad. I told him he was a coward and told him I hope someone does the same thing to him one day. Link to post Share on other sites
Author bluenightowl Posted August 2, 2011 Author Share Posted August 2, 2011 Ive broken up before with an email. Dumpers do not expect a response. Its over. You can call cowardice or any other word you want to but if the dumpee does something that betrays your trust to the point where you do not want to ever see their face again its the logical thing to do. I will give her credit though, she told you the truth. Just accept it, tell her to pound sand on the friendship and move forward hmm.. well I beg to differ. I think dumpers love a response. Its over is right. Best to just to cut all ties and give them nothing at all. But if a dumpee does nothing wrong.. did not betray your trust which is often the case.. to the point where you just feel guilty.. is it the logical thing to do? I am starting to believe its not really wrong to feel guilty for not responding. in fact.. I really think these bs lies about "hey I agree its the best thing" is just that. I have had woman say that to me.. and I knew it was crap.. they were hurting.. of course within a few days the calls came... and the wine.. and letters... of love.. No... I think do not bs someone.. they will know. just move on. is what I take from this post. Link to post Share on other sites
Author bluenightowl Posted August 2, 2011 Author Share Posted August 2, 2011 "I agree with wilsox about giving her credit.... at least she isnt blaming you for the break up.. at least directly anyway ... " yes.. I agree with well she is breaking up.. wilson.. seemed to imply blame on the dumpees part which may or may not be true depending on the case... I suspect mostly not the case... rather just not into the person with some thinking about it. .. I think the OMG... thank you... you beat me to the punch is totally bs.. and any rational person will see through it.. if not.. they why didn't they break up first... Link to post Share on other sites
logano Posted September 1, 2011 Share Posted September 1, 2011 If it has only been a few dates, an email is ok. Immature, but passable. That said, my recent break-up after 4 dates was done over the phone. He was honest, respectful and mature. And because I was so shocked and didn't know what to say, I later emailed him for clarification. I made it very clear that I respected his decision, but that I was emailing him because I hadn't had the presence of mind to say these thing on the hone. He responded in kind, emphasizing many time that he would, if I wanted to, be friends. I think breaking up with someone with that kind of maturity and respect ultimately says a lot about who the dumper is as a person. The more forthright and mature s/he is, the better s/he will feel about themselves. As to your ex, the fact that she went on about chemistry (either how it wasn't with you or how it is with the new guy isn't clear) is mean. Probably unintentionally, as I think in an effort to be honest people can share too much information that only ends up hurting us. And to the question of responding, that really depends on so many factors. What kind of relationship was it? Were you fighting all the time? Was it a slow fade out? What do you want/need to hear from her? Do you want to be her friend? Most people would say no communication whatsoever, that you are lowering yourself if you do that. I disagree (in principle, but again, it would depend on the situation). A response can take the high road. The tone and wording has to be just right, but it is possible. I'm a big believer in writing emails to people who have upset me and then never sending them. I helps me to vent. Then I can take some time to reflect on whether or not I really want to say something and, if so, how best to do it in a kind, non-confrontational but clear way. But we're talking about dumpee responses specifically here. One thing to try: wait a week and then reconsider your feelings. Best of luck, :-) Link to post Share on other sites
smudge21 Posted September 1, 2011 Share Posted September 1, 2011 I did the dumping by email a while back - ooops! Did meet her shortly afterwards and we chatted and cleared up some things, but yeah, it was a bad way to end it. Anyway, I think it depends on the context too in regards how or whether you reply. From this one, she's left you for someone else, so my first thought is to ignore and move on. That being said, there is something in replying that can often make one feel better, as others have said - turning the tables and agreeing with them as you too were seeing someone else. It's a bit childish but in certain circumstances, it's needed. I do remember reading somewhere how to respond to a break up letter, but it was when the break up was more mutual rather than any cheating or other party involved. It basically said you should respond by agreeing with the dumper, saying that you two thought things weren't going smoothly, so yeah it is probably for the best. Wish them well and say goodbye. It's polite and unexpected. But I don't know if that works in this situation. Link to post Share on other sites
visualbasicide Posted September 1, 2011 Share Posted September 1, 2011 I'd likely respond to such a 'manifesto' with a silence sandwich. lol too funny, and good advice. Link to post Share on other sites
Casablanca Posted September 1, 2011 Share Posted September 1, 2011 I've had it happen once, I gave a response to try and save it, of course as I expected, did nothing, but if she was that immature to do it (actually over facebook message, not email) then we wouldnt have worked out and it is for the better Link to post Share on other sites
robaday Posted September 1, 2011 Share Posted September 1, 2011 Ive had this happen to me before. I responded, accepted it, spoke about the good times and wished her well. Dya know what? after that she didnt stop contacting me. She wasnt particularly diplomatic in her email, but I was, I took the high road, and then cut off contact completely. And yeah, I look back and am happy with how I handled it. Sadly afterward, she continued to contact me, texts, emails, phone calls etc, and in the end I lost all respect for her. But yeah, youll be amazed at what taking the high road, and letting go does for your own moving on/wellbeing. Link to post Share on other sites
Author bluenightowl Posted September 20, 2011 Author Share Posted September 20, 2011 Most people would say no communication whatsoever, that you are lowering yourself if you do that. I disagree (in principle, but again, it would depend on the situation). A response can take the high road. The tone and wording has to be just right, but it is possible. I'm a big believer in writing emails to people who have upset me and then never sending them. I helps me to vent. Then I can take some time to reflect on whether or not I really want to say something and, if so, how best to do it in a kind, non-confrontational but clear way. But we're talking about dumpee responses specifically here. I'm curious if Loveshackers think a non-response is less mature than a simple, "hey no problem, all the best" type message. Somehow my gut feels, responding with a message of acceptance - short and sweet is better, and yet another part of me thinks, just let go now, and go NC because its avoids any chance of saying the wrong thing and making things worse, and puts an end to the back and forth dialogue. Link to post Share on other sites
shayla Posted September 20, 2011 Share Posted September 20, 2011 My ex sent me an email that tried to make it look like we had broken up long before and I just wouldn't let go. He had to support all the lies he told the other woman. I was livid. She chose to believe his lies and married him. But she knows the truth and I know it eats her up every day. As it should. Link to post Share on other sites
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