mfs976 Posted July 20, 2011 Posted July 20, 2011 It's been 8 months since the breakup and probably 6 months since I've posted anything in these forums. I have my good and bad days just like everybody else but for the most part my ex pretty much consumes all of my thoughts - when I'm awake and when I'm dreaming even. It's really bad and I plan on seeking professional help very soon to see if I'll ever be able to get over her. The reasons for the breakup are irrelevant at this point and in fact to be honest I don't even know or care anymore why it happened... Here's my dilemma...My ex and I are both part of the wedding party in our mutual friends wedding coming up in two and a half weeks from now. We both agreed to this while we were still together but around Jan/Feb I told them that I didn't think I would be able to handle being around her and tried to back out of the wedding. This didn't go over very well at all with them at all and they got extremely heated at me for even thinking they were going to get married w/o me there. I knew them long before I even got involved with my ex... Anyway..Here it is 8 months later and as time progresses closer to the wedding I've been losing my mind and having anxiety attacks just knowing that I'll have to be around her and her new bf. I tried to find a date but I've become sooo gutless, and senseless since the breakup that I can't even imagine even bothering to get involved with women in any way - hence I would be going by myself. Its been 8 ****ing months and I've made virtually no progress in becoming healed, in fact its worse now than ever - my emotions have complete control over me right now and I feel like attending this wedding is definitely not going to be conducive to anything beneficial to me - in fact it will probably set me back even further...much further. I hate her, I don't want anything to do with her, and I don't want to see her ever again...so my question is, with two and a half weeks before this wedding what is the best way for me to back out as a groomsman?
wilsonx Posted July 20, 2011 Posted July 20, 2011 Just dont go... Remember you come first always and forever. It does not matter what your friends think right now if they are your true friends then they will understand. You have to take care of you and if you are not healed and you know you cant be indifferent around your ex, then dont go
HeartOfAPhoenix Posted July 20, 2011 Posted July 20, 2011 The best way? That's simple... You don't. Go to the wedding, be confident in yourself, act indifferent towards your ex, try staying busy conversing with the guests and other participants of the wedding. Basically act as though you and your ex have no history with each other. You want your revenge? go to the wedding and act/pretend that your life is great. your ex WILL see this and that will be the best vengeance you could ask for.
wilsonx Posted July 20, 2011 Posted July 20, 2011 I use to think about getting revenge on my ex but what really does revenge solve in terms of you getting better. It solves nothing because you wasted energy on something you should not care about anymore. It will constantly be and endless cycle of trying to get revenge and making destructive decisions when that energy can be best spent working on bettering yourself, your goals, and moving forward.
Nohbody Posted July 20, 2011 Posted July 20, 2011 Go all Marie Antoinette on their asses. http://www.blogcdn.com/www.comicsalliance.com/media/2010/09/make-them-eat-cake.jpg
Author mfs976 Posted July 20, 2011 Author Posted July 20, 2011 wow thanks for the quick replies thus far...I understand this is a really unique problem to have. I'd love to be at this wedding for my friends and act like everything is perfectly fine but everything isn't fine. I'm a horrible liar and bad at putting on a facade to be someone that I'm not...I'm a decent looking guy so that I'm not concerned with really - I'm more concerned with how I would act around her. Like I said I'm not a good actor so killing her with charm and trying to make her think I'm living the dream without her just isn't going to happen. I hate her and I feel as if theres no way I'd be able to go to this thing without at least being forced to acknowledge her in some way...I think not showing up would actually make her feel like **** - but thats not why I wouldn't be there, I wouldn't be there because I despise her THAT much to the point where I can't gaurentee that I wont do something stupid and/or get emotional
HeartOfAPhoenix Posted July 20, 2011 Posted July 20, 2011 I use to think about getting revenge on my ex but what really does revenge solve in terms of you getting better. It solves nothing because you wasted energy on something you should not care about anymore. It will constantly be and endless cycle of trying to get revenge and making destructive decisions when that energy can be best spent working on bettering yourself, your goals, and moving forward. I agree with you 100% but this wouldn't really be him going out of his way to get revenge. it's an event that they both just happen to be attending for their friends. By not going to the event he will let his friends down when they count on him being part of the wedding, and I'm sure his ex will notice him not being present during the wedding. I think it would be fair to assume his ex will think/know/assume on her own that the reason he isn't attending is because of her. Which will give her a feeling of having power over him. So yes if you are going out of your way to get revenge then it's a pointless never ending cycle. but on this occasion nobody is going out of their way and providing that one or both of them are mature enough it will not be an endless cycle. basically him going and acting fine will be revenge but also normal expected behaviour of the other guests and participants of the wedding.
wilsonx Posted July 20, 2011 Posted July 20, 2011 I think it would be fair to assume his ex will think/know/assume on her own that the reason he isn't attending is because of her. Which will give her a feeling of having power over him. . I agree with letting the friends down too but what I quoted is something I want to touch on. It doesn't matter what she thinks or if she thinks she has power over him. Its about OPs well being and mental state being around her. Until he's indifferent, he shouldn't go and he knows it.
HeartOfAPhoenix Posted July 20, 2011 Posted July 20, 2011 I agree with letting the friends down too but what I quoted is something I want to touch on. It doesn't matter what she thinks or if she thinks she has power over him. Its about OPs well being and mental state being around her. Until he's indifferent, he shouldn't go and he knows it. You are right that it doesn't really matter what she thinks, but also consider that this may be what he needs in order to heal. Like me, he may see his ex and realize that he isn't attracted to her any more. And if he can't do the wedding what will happen if they are attending the same event some time in the future and he doesn't know about her attending that same event? It really is up to the OP on whether he goes or not, but I see this as a test to see how you can handle a situation such as this.
Author mfs976 Posted July 20, 2011 Author Posted July 20, 2011 Realizing I'm no longer attracted to her isn't going to happen because I'm deathly attracted to her - in fact I think I'm chemically addicted to her in some way. She's kind of extremely gorgeous (at least to me) which doesn't make this any easier...and you know they always look THAT much better when you can't have them...The only thing I have on my side that makes me feel a tad better is that someone told me her new bf is a pig (both figuratively and literally as he is a cop) that used to hookup with a lot of strippers...a real high quality guy..
Ajax Posted July 20, 2011 Posted July 20, 2011 I'm not in exactly the same situation you're in, but one in which I can empathize with you. I'm in my friend's wedding in October. My ex is his cousin and will be there. She's not in the wedding party, so it's not as if I'll be spending an inordinate amount of time with her, but she'll be there with her new boyfriend and I don't want to see either of them. Let us know what happens and how you handle it.
Author mfs976 Posted July 21, 2011 Author Posted July 21, 2011 I have no idea how to decide if I should go or not - I've been thinking about it for months thinking I would be better by the time it came, but I'm not. I think they would understand but I'd feel like I'm letting them down. My friend would have to find someone to replace me last minute which I don't know is possible?..The head count is in, my order for the rehearsal dinner is in, and my tux is waiting to be picked up...I despise formal events in general but damn, I've never wanted to avoid something as bad as this in my life..
Nebula Posted July 21, 2011 Posted July 21, 2011 One of my best friends is getting married this Sunday. I don't know if my pseudo-ex is going (I know he was invited), but I'm going anyway. I'm not at the point where you're at though - my guy was an asshat, he has a gf now and although I still think he's good-looking I really just see a mean person and don't have a lot of good memories. I'm not over him 100% but I'm around 85% or so. But the thing is even if I was still messed up, I'd go. One big bonus is that no one got a +1, so if he goes, it's solo. That makes it a bit less annoying. But I'm more focused on being there for my friend. It's her special day and I want to share it with her. Sure, you should always think of yourself first, but it's a big deal! it's not like it's some birthday dinner that you can make up later. Regardless of whether he goes or not, I'm taking a bit of the attitude of the poster who suggested you go anyway, not as revenge so much, but just go have fun with your friends, talk to people. I hope it doesn't set you back too much but it is really just a few hours and then it'll be over. You don't have to pretend you're the happiest person ever, as long as you go with a good friendly attitude and not mope around it's sufficient. In my case I'm in a strong NC (if you could call it that) so I can get away with ignoring him completely, that's a relief too. It's an indifferent NC, not hateful/resentful so I don't feel silly about it. If you're in good terms then just say hi if you must and keep a distance after that.
Author mfs976 Posted July 27, 2011 Author Posted July 27, 2011 After months of advice I've determined its ultimately up to me if I go or not. 50% say to bail and the other 50% say not to - so I'm going to put my friends needs above my own mental well being and just suck it up. I'm trying to figure out how to deal with the initial shock of seeing them together, her introducing him to my other friends, their parents, other people etc.. Being in the wedding party, would it be acceptable to take off after the pictures? or rude? I think I could minimize the damage if I just ixnay the reception altogether..I just want to do my duties as a groomsman and gtfo of there...I already have enough stress and social anxiety to deal with as it is..
Recommended Posts