"Perfect" partners & "Easy" relationships

[Exit]

Let me start off by saying that I am not a writer by nature. This is not normally something I find myself doing. I feel inspired to write this by my compassion for those of us who are hurting right now, and by the feeling that writing this will help me along in my own healing. If you'd like some perspective about who is writing this, I'm a guy who got dumped over three months ago. I still talk to my ex, and it actually seems like we could be on the verge of getting back together. Or the next time I see her, I could find out it's just another false start, and she'll tell me she lost the feelings again. Either way, I'm still hurting too.

 

On to the topic at hand. I wanted to write about the concept of the perfect romantic partner, or the search for one. This is an idea that came to me a while back. And then tonight, I was again reminded of it by someone else's post here on the forums. She said that her ex had met a new, more compatible girlfriend, and she saw him commenting that the new relationship is "awesome" because it's "just so easy".

 

I feel that I've learned many things in these three months that I've been hurting. One of these lessons is that a great relationship is not defined by, or is not dependent on "being easy". No, there would be no point in two completely incompatible people trying to spend their lives together, but neither should we be searching for carbon copies of ourselves (because after all, what would we all consider any more perfect than practically dating ourselves).

 

I came up with what some might consider a corny, strange example. At the very least, it's certainly not romantic or meant to be taken literally. It's a strange example for the sake of simplicity, something we can all understand, instead of trying to explain it in terms of all the abstract things that happen in a relationship. So here goes...

 

Let's say we have the "Searcher", the person looking for the love of their life. From my perspective, I'll say this is a female, but it applies to all sexes the same, just relate this to whichever gender you are attracted to. And here comes the strange example part, let's say "Searcher" wants to be in a relationship with someone who can lift 200lbs for her. Now let's examine two potential partners for her.

 

"Guy A" can lift this 200lbs easily. He is strong, and doing this day after day, year after year, to show his partner that he cares, is not a problem for him. This is who many might consider the perfect person for "Searcher". After all, this ability will make the relationship easy!

 

"Guy B" may love "Searcher" but he cannot perform this task easily. He's just not quite strong enough. But he cares about his partner, and wakes up every day knowing that he will try his best to do this for her, and realistically may even fail. He even takes time to consider improving his strength so that he can accomodate his partner more easily.

 

Now, it seems many dumpers out there are the type who want things to be easy, who want that perfect person, and they would go for "Guy A", even going so far as to leave "Guy B" to be with the other. But how much is someone really showing that they love you when they are doing something that comes easily to them? How can that possibly be a perfect romantic partner? And while "Guy B" may struggle to do this same task, he loves his partner enough to keep trying and trying. I would say you can't really judge someone's love for you by what comes easy to them, but by what difficulties they will face for you.

 

Let's add another fold to the situation. Say "Searcher" chooses "Guy A", because who can resist a perfect, easy relationship? Each and every day she has her requirement met easily. She thinks to herself "this is so perfect, look how much he loves me, he never has any problem doing this for me". This could go on for months or years. Then suddenly, the day comes where "Seacher" doesn't need someone to move 200lbs, she needs someone to move 300! This perfect partner of hers is surely up to the challenge, right? Wait... she doesn't really have any evidence of him ever being willing to do something out of his comfort zone. He loved her enough to do something that was easy for him, but maybe this time he will say "300lbs?! That doesn't sound so simple. I miss when things were easy. I think maybe this relationship has reached the end".

 

How about "Guy B" in this situation? 200lbs was a struggle for him, but he worked at it and is able to do it now. We've seen him rise to the occasion before, address a challenge, and stick around to deal with it. "Searcher" would approach "Guy B" with her new challenge and would more than likely hear "wow, that sounds rough, but we'll take care of it". Maybe "Guy B" could somehow handle it on his own, or maybe "Guy B" and "Searcher" could even tackle the challenge together.

 

What about a different version of this scenario? Say "Searcher" isn't a very good communicator, and "Guy B" isn't even aware of what she wants! "Searcher" finds herself resenting her partner, feeling the relationship falling apart, does nothing about it, eventually meets a "Guy A" somewhere, and "B" is left in the dust.

 

And you can obviously replace this concept of "200lbs" with anything. Let's take communication for example. Say one person is introverted enough as it is, and the other partner is not the most easily approachable person in the world. Should the relationship end? Is the introverted partner destined for a much happier life with someone who is just so fun and easy to talk to? Or is there some value in the current relationship, if her current partner can say "I love you, I hope you know you can talk to me about anything, and we'll work on it".

 

So this kinda flips the entire "perfect partner" idea on its head. Where does an "easy" relationship really get you? Wouldn't you rather know that your relationship can withstand the hard times too? I'm sure we all know that couple who brag about their easy, perfect relationship where they never argue. What happens when that inevitable day rolls around and they are faced with a tough challenge. Will they make it? How about that couple we all know who met in high school, have dated ever since, and have never even had to experience heart-break in their lives. How lucky! (Not). Do you have any idea how screwed they are when they finally do hit a rough patch? Most of us experienced that first horrible breakup in our teens or early twenties, and somehow we survived and learned our lessons from it. Can you imagine never experiencing that until later in life and not having the tools and experience to deal with it?

 

Many of us can relate to saying our exes treated us like a toy, something disposable and replaceable. Someone posted an article on the forums a while back that said some people look at relationships like walking along a rocky shoreline, picking up one rock, deciding it isn't what you want and tossing it away, trying another, and another, and another. I have yet to see the perfect movie or read the perfect book, and I don't think I'll have much better success looking for a perfect human being for me.

 

This idea of looking for the perfect person, especially if you define that by how "easy" your relationship can be, is really immature in my opinion, and many of the dumpers out there need to get over this. Now, do I sound like I'm advocating staying in a relationship where you have screaming arguments 5 times a week? No. There is a lot of gray area here. It comes down to the distinction between what you would "like" in a relationship and what you absolutely "need". Should you struggle to stay with a partner who simply cannot and will not fulfill one of your basic requirements? No.

 

Perhaps it's just a matter of opinion. Some may truly believe love is supposed to be "easy", and if it's not, then it just isn't "right". Some people may advocate the pursuit of the perfect partner. Should "Guy B" just decide to be in a relationship where he doesn't need to do anything challenging? I don't think words like "commitment" would even exist if relationships absolutely had to be easy every day. And I don't think marriage vows would be the way they are (for better/worse, in sickness/health) if everything is supposed to be perfect. Commitment is very different than love. I'm starting to realize love is not the king of all relationship words. So much of love is chemical. You just can't help feeling a certain way about a certain someone. Commitment means you've let go of the search for perfection, you love this person even when they mess up, even if they happen to let you down, you know you aren't going anywhere. Love isn't really an action that requires effort. You either love someone or you don't, you kinda can't help it. Commitment is a choice, commitment is something you choose to pour effort in to. It reminds me of the saying "Everyone will hurt you at some point, it's really comes down to finding the one worth suffering for". Truly, what sounds more like a realistic, adult relationship? A "perfect" relationship where you never argue, or a relationship where you may argue, but you're smart enough never to go to bed angry, and come to a solution together?

 

Every relationship will be tested at some point, no matter what you hear about how great someone's relationship is. The day will come. And I fear that the people who made "easy" their number one priority will not like the outcome of these challenges. I, for one, want to know that my relationships can stand up to the tests. I can't wait to meet the one imperfect human being who I know will stand by me and all my imperfections. We'll make it through anything.

 

And in the spirit of trying to look at negatives more like positives, you can apply this outlook to your own life. We can't help but be human, the entire concept of inventions and technology is that we want things to always be getting easier, but truly, don't we all know that a completely "easy" painless life is not what it's all about? Maybe you're heartbroken right now, maybe you would give a million dollars for this breakup to never have happened to you, but don't you want to know that your life had highs and lows, and you were strong enough to make it through?

 

There is no perfect person out there. If your ex left you in the pursuit of perfection, don't be surprised if they figure this out some day on their own. If you loved your ex enough to know that there were problems but you were more than willing to work on them and they weren't, then good for you, you can appreciate what you have instead of throwing it away for something new.

 

It can be hard to figure out where to draw the line on when to leave a relationship. I would not advocate staying in a horrible relationship by saying you need to be committed. And in a way, there IS a purpose to dating one person, realizing it isn't right, and trying another, and another. But I'm talking about long term relationships here, where dumpers seem to leave way too soon, for what they feel will be greener pastures.

 

Feel free to weigh in on this. Should love be easy? Is perfection the ultimate goal?

Edited July 9, 2011 by Exit

[loverboy1984]

Excellent Post.

 

When you attain something so easy its also lost easy.

[Mack05]

I really like this post Exit. Clearly, there was a lot of thought put into it and I think this post will strike a cord with many people on this site. I can give you my opinion on this post, but what is so clever about your post is that there are going to be many different opinions. I think every good relationship should be 'easy' for the first 1-3 years. Afterall you have a special 'connection', you are madly in love, as people you are very compatabile and hopefully you have loads of things in common. At this stage everything should be natural. I think if things are not 'easy' after the first 1-3 years then this is not a good sign for long term success. I think the relationship foundations are built in the early days. The stronger the foundations built, the stronger the relationship is going to be moving forward.

 

On your post above. If I am lucky enough to meet the right girl, I hope to be Guy A for years 1-3 and Guy B for the rest of the relationship. I do not believe in the perfect relationship. I think every great relationship requires hard work. Hard work such as compromising (knowing when to fight your battles and knowing when not to), understanding, empathy, unsefishness etc etc etc. My parent are married 37 years on Monday (Congrats Mam and Dad!!!). I love my parents to death. I couldn't ask for better. They met VERY young. My mother 16 and my dad 19. They have been through some amazing times and been through some very tough times, but they always worked at their relationship and I can honestly say they are still very much in love. My father has never cheated (we are best friends who tell each other everything) he has never hit my mother or ever emotionally abused her. He was always strong for her when she needed him. My mother is simply the most kindiest, unselfish person on planet earth. My parents have a great relationship. Perfect? Absolutely not, but they wouldn't have it any other way. This is their song -> http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HYlWLK2332w. In the future, if I have half their relationship, I will be a very lucky man.

 

When I am Guy B, I hope to get back from the relationship as much as I put in. I hope that I am a rock for my partner, her best friend. Somone who will never let her down and support her in everyway when the going gets tough. I guess, I would love to see similiar traits in the woman I hope to end up with. I.E -> someone who will always have my back in good and bad times.

 

My ex truly believes there is a Guy A out there for her and he will be Guy A for the rest of their lives. If only life were that simple..Sometimes people who come from broken homes tend to have this magicial thinking. Or another example, when we are younger and first fall in love, we can't figure out how can relationships be hard! They seem to easy. Of course we are naive, not knowing what life has in store for us.

 

After the first few years (sometimes sooner) we will eventually see the kind of person our partner is. Are they the kind to support you when they need them, do they truly love you 'warts and all'. Or do they run for the hills, when you start acting out of character/when the going gets tough and make it clear they have no idea what real love is (hopefully they learn this later in life). Words are one thing, actions mean so much more. How many posters have we seen on this site, that post stuff like he/she were so nice for the first years and now they are horrible. Why can't we go back to the way things were? People need to accept and understand that you can't go back. Exit describes it superbly above with Guy A.

 

Of course as Exit pointed out above. Love and relationships are not black and white. There are many gray area's. Basically romance is a tricky business!!

Edited July 9, 2011 by Mack05

[sleepykitten]

Brilliant post Exit, think its going to be one of those i re read, thanks for taking the time to write it. It certainly has helped me today, a day that i'm feeling pretty low. My b/f left because his words being "i want it to be like the movies, if we could have the first perfect year back then it would be different"......he totally bailed when the going got tough, the first time he left or tried to dump me was when i was in hospital hooked up to drips etc, saying he needed to be selfish, but he wasnt going to leave me just not be my b/f anymore..er how ambiguous and kind of you!! I wish he had left in a way then as i was already broked and a mess emotionally and that made it 100 times worse and of course i begged and pleaded and felt utterly totally rock bottom. we stayed together only 2 more mths after that, no surprise i guess. He is looking for perfection i know that, he watches so many movies and wants all the romance and good times yet no responsibility, this is a guy who at 36 is living at home with his parents and mum does all the washing ironing bills etc, and he can well afford to move out.

And so true waht Mack says about actions, my ex was all with the words promising he would try, make more effort, but he never did even the smallest little thing that wouldnt have cost a penny. It dragged on like this for months and i felt worn down with emotion and insecurities by time he finally ended it. He still cant say why, just that "it wasnt working anymore, youre not the one for me" ouch, that was like taking a knife i can tell you, this was the guy that used to tell me everyday in that 1sr yr I was his one, now he found me he was never going to let me go......

[Spices]

Easy relationships have more to do with personality type then anything.

 

There are 16 different personality types, and each one of them have different kinds of intertype relations. The easiest type of relationship paring is is known as "Duality" -- where your weaknesses are your partners strengths and vise versa. Duals naturally appreciate one another without effort; and so, the relationship is an easy one. Not only is it easy, but these relationships also help to strengthen you and help you to grow as a person. It's rare that Duals ever fight.

 

Relations of Duality between psychological ("personality") types

 

These relations are the most favourable and comfortable of all intertype relationsproviding complete psychological compatibility. Dual partners are like two halves of a whole unit. They usually understand each others intentions without any need to say a word. Dual will naturally protect your weak points and appreciate the strong ones without asking for anything in return. Interaction with your Dual allows you to be yourself without the need to adjust to your partner like in other relations. This often saves both partners a lot of energy which they can use for their own interesting activities. Conflicts between Duals are very rare and if there are any, they are normally short lived and solved without pain. Your Dual partner will love you just for what you are and if there is such a thing as true love then it could probably only occur in relations of Duality.

 

However, let's not idealise these relations too much. Although theoretically relations of Duality are the best of the best, practically not everybody who is your Dual will make your dreams come true. The reason for this is that we are usually so twisted up during the course of our lives that our already formed and stable views and attitudes can affect our relationships quite heavily. In fact, younger people have more chance to succeed in the quest for their perfect partner than older people. But the chances are always there.

 

There are at least two conditions to be completed for a successful relationship between Duals. Firstly between the partners there has to be at least a minimal mutual attraction. Secondly and most importantly is that the partners are truly striving for the same or similar things. This may include common interests and/or life goals. Partners that are both seriously thinking about building a family are a good example. Logically saying: two halves of the same whole must not repel or move in the different directions, otherwise the whole will break into pieces. Relations of Duality also go through several stages. The first stage sometimes can be really tense. It is like a new engine that requires a "run in" first. If relations crumble it normally happens in the first stage. The more stages completed by Duals the more unbreakable their relationship.

 

However, nature has played a little trick on us. It is difficult to notice your Dual partner among all the other types and even easier to pass them by. Usually during first contact extroverts think about their introvert Dual as ordinary and simple, therefore not deserving their personal attention. In return introverts consider their extrovert Dual to be too good for them and therefore unattainable. Both positions usually belong to people who had a lack of Duality interaction during childhood. The magnetic effect of Duality becomes obvious when partners do not see each other for a while. Only after being together for a fair amount of time do the partners start realising how much they need each other. Finally, these relations are most suitable for friendship, marriage and family life. To have a Dual partner is irreplaceable if you have to compete or survive in a socially dangerous environment.

 

Duality pairs:

 

ENTp - ISFp

ESFj - INTj

ENFj - ISTj

ESTp - INFp

ESFp - INTp

ENTj - ISFj

ESTj - INFj

ENFp - ISTp

 

http://www.socionics.com/rel/dlt.htm