spameh Posted June 13, 2011 Posted June 13, 2011 (edited) I know it's over. But I just want to use this forum to vent. Her background: Vietnamese Christian 20 yrs old (came to America 2 yrs ago) International student Immediate family back in Vietnam Lives with cousin Me: 29 yrs old Canadian Chinese Non-religious Living by myself Have career and successful I met her in February, and we hit it off so nicely in our first contact. I was attracted by her sincerity and sweetness. She told me she loved me after our 2nd date which I became suspicious. I thought it was too fast, so we talked why she had felt that way. She was planning to go to an out-of-state college and asked me if I wanted her to stay because I just came into her life. After a long talk, I told her she should make that decision because I didn't want it to be my decision. She decided to stay. I tried holding back falling for her but eventually I did. This was about 2 weeks in. One month in, she tried to arrange a meeting with me and her family in the states. I thought it was a little too soon, but not totally against the idea. However, I was upset when she said that if I didn't go, we could not continue the relationship. I could not understand how she could put herself first before us. I didn't talk to her for a day to make sense of the situation. She was also upset. The thing is I never asked her to be my gf, even though I assumed she was, and treated her as such. However, she was waiting for it, and never really told me that was in her mind. She became more distant it seems because I never asked her to be my gf. Our usual days to meet became less of a thing to look forward as she would cancel and not reschedule. She didn't know where the relationship was going, but we talked every night and when we were together, we acted like a loving couple. I explained to her I didn't know because my previous relationships never called out such thing because it happened naturally. She was too fixated on this and it put a lot of strain on us. Her inviting me to her family was her way to define the relationship it seems so she gets a clear answer. I end up didn't go to the family dinner because we had an argument and I imagine I didn't leave a good impression on her family when she revealed the news I could not make it. She confessed one evening that she was pressured by her family to marry a US citizen because she doesn't want to go back to her country if she could not find a job in the states after finishing university in 3 years time. When I had asked her which one she would pick: me or citizenship--she said citizenship--and my heart sunk. She knew I am canadian. I begin to think that this would not work out, but I still loved her. I just wanted to hear she wanted me. What I didn't tell her was that if we were to marry, she would be fine staying in the US because my visa allows it. I am also one job switch away from obtaining immediate green card access due to my canadian status. I held back this information because we're talking about marriage here and the most important thing for me is that she loves me for me. In the end, I never revealed this information. She also do not have the financial means to afford university tuition in this state so she may look towards an out-of-state but cheaper university. She works two part time jobs, but it's not going to cover an estimated $40K educational costs over 2 years. She was under a lot of pressure. I found all this out about 1.5 months but it took a lot out of me. About 2 months in, we had a miscommunication issue that she was extremely upset about and broke up with me via text. We got back together for a few more days, but I was just so uncertain about our future. When we were back for those few days, she was more lively and missed me but I became a little distant because the way she had tried to break up with me. She explained that it was due to anger, but I needed time to rebuild some trust. Then, she told me her father asked her to ask me to marry her in spite of my canadian status, or we could not continue our relationship. Again she used this tactic. I could not accept (this was over the phone) because I need a lot more time than just 2 months to be with you to make this life long decision. That was the last time we ever talked on the phone. She never called back again. Fast forward a month later, I took this time to visit my family in canada and try to forget about this whole mess. But every day, I wake up and she was always on my mind. I think about her education situation. I want to help. I really do, but I just don't know what's real and what's not. I just need more time, but for one reason or another, she did not consider my feeling. Deep down, I still loved her. But I feel that her family's influence on her is significant. I sent her an email the other day describing that I missed her, and that if she loved me still, we should talk because I was ready and I want to put a plan in front of her (but did not disclose plan in email). The plan in my mind was that I want her to go to university here and I will help her get through her financial problems. In 1-1.5 yrs, I would propose to her. I know I could hurt myself writing this email but I feel it was worth the risk because I still cared deeply for her. In the end, I never got a chance to explain my plan. She replied my email that she has moved on, and that she doesn't love me any more and she feels there are many differences between us. She no longer thinks about me like before, and she told me we know we can't be together in the future and wishes me good luck. Of course, this wasn't what I wanted to hear. I respect that, and will now try to move on. Everyone tells me that I did the right thing by not marrying her in just 2 months time. Why does she have to do that? I understand she has pressure, but how could she said she wants to be with me forever and loves me and all that, but yet she can do something like that? To not give us more time and explain to her family about my needs and our future happiness together. I am lost for words. The mental images keep resurfacing that makes me feel uneasy. I hope this goes away some day. Edited June 13, 2011 by spameh
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