how to get ex to let me go?

[lindseymarie112]

I'm at my wits end. I don't know where to post something like this- new here and going crazy. I have been the dumpee in the past but now I'm the one who ended an 8 year relationship, to be with someone else. I cheated on him (go ahead throw stones i know i deserve it) My ex is driving me insane. Here is my story and thanks for listening

 

 

 

My ex and I were together for 8 years. We lived together for 7 of them. We had been drifting apart for the past 2-3 years and I had thought of leaving even before that but always stayed because I was afraid to be on my own and I thought we could work things out. He was unfaithful to me once I suspected but never had proof. He was emotionally very distant, not affectionate, and our sex life went downhill because he was very selfish in bed. I know he did try at times but he was more interested in working two jobs (he didn't have to) and his own hobbies than he was in me. So we basically led separate lives and it was very lonely for me. I relied a lot on friends for emotional support and to have fun with. He was only my 2nd relationship ever so I really didn't know how I should be treated. I just didn't think this was it. In Oct. I met someone who treated me like a princess. We talked almost every day and started hanging out as friends. As soon as I met him I stopped sleeping with my partner (at the time). Our sex life had dwindled anyway to sex about once a month and I had to force myself to engage in this because I felt so distant from him anyway. I went behind my ex's back and rented a house and bought a fixer upper (my money, not his) so I'd have a place to live. In January I told him it was over and moved out. I told him everything that I did (cheated, bought a house etc) He was angry but seemed ok. He told me if I ever wanted to work things out he would be there.

 

We talked once in awhile and even went out to lunch once since then. But something weird has happened in the last month or so. He now knows I am still with the guy I cheated on him with. And he hates this guy. he doesn't hate me, doesn't even blame me, says we all make mistakes but he literally wants to kill this guy. Blames him for everything I did. I am really happy with the new guy. He treats me so well, we have so much fun together, he is awesome in bed. We have a fanstastic connection and I've never been happier. I've never told my ex any of this- don't want to hurt him more. But I NEVER EVER EVER want to get back with my ex. Things might get better for awhile but he is who he is and would just go back to the way things were and I could never be happy like that knowing how great it feels to be treated right.

 

Now I don't blame my ex for the break up of our relationship. That is MY fault and I acknowledge this and I am so so sorry for causing him any pain.

 

The thing is= he doesn't care that I cheated, He just wants me back. He is lonely. He called me on Easter crying saying he misses me and was thinking how we used to cook dinner together. He has started writing me notes and poems (this is a guy who wouldn't sign a birthday card "love you") which is weird. I feel so horrible about everything. I really wish I could find a nice woman and introduce him so he won't be lonely. I wish he'd find someone so he will stop hurting.

 

I don't ever want him back. That is ALL he wants. I have tried to be firm but I feel like I'm hurting him more. He texts me constantly (and he never knew how to text in the 8 yrs I was with him!) and he calls and leaves these crying messages on my phone. Or he calls me and begs me for a second chance and I tell him to get mad at me.

 

Most of the furniture in the house was mine but I left him my tv, entertainment center, a twin bed and some other stuff because I felt bad. He says he wants it all out of his house because it reminds him of me. But he will not have anything if I take it. Should I respect his wishes and go get it all? I don't want to hurt him more. I wish there was something to do to ease his pain. but I don't want to get back with him and it seems thats all he wants. he took me for granted when I was with him and I do have some anger toward him but I won't show it because I don't want to hurt him even more. I tried to point out all my faults and the things we used to fight about constantly but all he thinks of are the good things (whatever they were) and says my faults were cute and he misses them. Well he HATED them when we were together.

 

How do I get him to leave me alone? How do I help stop some of his pain. I feel horribly guilty for causing him so much distress (he can't sleep, can't eat, begs me, cries etc and this is all from a guy who never showed much emotion.) he texts me and calls me and tells me he loves me and I tell him nicely to stop and he says he can't.

 

I really hope I'm not coming off as cold hearted because I don't think I am but he really needs to move on. I would fix him up with someone if i knew of anyone. I really thought he wouldn't care if I left because he didn't act like he cared about me while I was there. It has been 4 months since I moved out, 8 months since we had sex. So he should have become unattached by now. What should I do?

[TaraMaiden]

Ok, first things first.

You may certainly bear 'blame' for having an affair and doing the stuff you did, but Responsibility for the state of the relationship, is equal. 50-50.

So it went wrong.

Nothing was done to repair it, so it broke.

ok, fine.

 

I hate to say it - but you're going to ahve to be equally determined to send him a clear, unequivocal message, once and for all.

 

Refuse to engage with him any further.

Do not reply, respond or engage in any form of contact.

Return all mail, unopened, and unread. Block out your name and address, and write "Please return to:"

And put his address.

 

Contact a lawyer.

get him to write one letter on your behalf, asking him to stop contacting you in any way shape or form, or you will take measures to prevent him from doing so. Further advise him (in the same lawyer's letter) that all items left in the house, you are content to acknowledge as his, and that he is therefore at liberty to do exactly as he wishes with them.

 

Change your 'phone number, change your home landline number, change your email address.

 

There is much you can do, but you need to take the initiative.

 

The bottom line is that he continues because you let him.

 

do absolutely everything and anything within your power to prevent him form doing it.

Then - he might - just might - get the message.

[TaraMaiden]

To add:

He took you for granted, but it might take years for him to get over this loss. Just because you left him 4 months ago, and hadn't had sex for 8, that means diddly-squat.

 

There is no time limitation.

but you decided to end it.

So end it.

And whatever he does, is really down to him.

You can bear the guilt of your actions, but you can't take responsibility for him and his thought processes now you have been gone for a while....

His healing is up to him - but if you keep playing into the drama, he can never begin the healing process.

so your kindness is actually the worst thing you could give him right now.

because he sees any form of contact as hope.

[marqueemoon4]

typically, guys don't like being cheated on and left for another guy. that said, he does have to get over it eventually. at some point you have to put your foot down and say ok thats enough, and if it continues take steps to make it stop.