He moved out after 3 1/2 years - why?

[ShoeGurl1973]

I have been with my bf for 3 1/2 years. I make almost twice the amount of money he does and this has been a great source of controversy. I've tried explaining I'm with him becuase of him, not because of money. Everytime we have an arguement money comes up and he says he's a loser and can't help pay for everything etc. Most of this is due to a child support payment which takes a lot each month.

 

Anyway, we've been talking about marriage lately and several friends have mentioned he was talking about a ring for me. He's been very anxiety ridden about the cost lately and I had mentioned that as a favor, I could not let him pay rent for 6 months to save up money. He said that was a great idea and agreed.

 

A couple nights later, he did something which I called him on. He did his natural response, and say he would leave. He always says he'll leave at any sign of an arguement. This time was different though because he stayed at a friends for a couple days and said he was moving out. I managed to convince him not to leave but he said he needed time to cool down, think about the positives in our relationship before coming back together. So, I let him stay in my house for the week with no contact.

 

on the 6th day, I had had enough of being apart - I wanted to see him and discuss our issues, hopefully work through them and fix things. I knew he would be at a bar, so I walked in and saw him talking to a friend. I asked him to come outside and talk. He looked at me like he wanted to set me on fire and it crushed me. Outside he proceeded to bully me and yell about all my "shortcomings" like out of the blue. I had no idea where this anger was coming from and it hurt so much as I begged him to work on things. He finally said we were done. I walked off and my bitch mode kicked in. I told him to have his crap out of my house the next day as the locks would be changed the day after.

 

He came home to get some things and proceeded to tell me he was packing some clothes because "I was kicking him out because he was such a baaaad person". I have no idea why he would turn this around on me when I was just asking him to work on things. He then told me it was sad I was 37 and never been married, that I'd be in my house forever because no one would want me, and that he only went out with me because I was lonely. These things hurt me to my core. I have no idea how anyone could say such hurtful things. I couldn't bring myself to stoop to that level so I just said nothing and he left.

 

I have no idea what happened - we were talking marriage and babies 2 weeks ago and he told me I was the best gf ever. Now his stuff is gone and so is he. The only thing I can think of is that he feels powerless financially in the relationship and had to go out on top feeling powerful.

 

I'm so devasted. I hate being in my house now - its creepy and quiet. I feel like selling it and moving away. Everything we did in this house was together. I knew he couldn't afford one so I did the next best thing by buying one and us moving in together. He frequently tells me i'm more independant financially than him so I really think that's the root of all problems. I thought in this day and age where the money comes isn't as important as being together.

 

On paper, I shouldn't care. He lies alot. He lied to me about being married and I didn't find out for 6 months into the relationship. I asked if there was anything else he needed to tell me and he said no. about 6 months later he tells me he has a child. Through all this i stood by him and now he just threw it all away.

 

How do i get over this? Do you think he is missing our life as much as I am, if at all?

[Mcnulty]

I can't see anything you've done wrong. I'm sorry you're in this situation. You've done your best to keep the relationship afloat by the sounds of it.

 

This guy seems to have self esteem issues. It may be that he had them long before you met him and that the salary thing has magnified these insecurities. He's a bum for lying to you about two huge things and I admire the fact you got over these lies and carried on with the relationship...for him to say such hurtful things outside the bar...like I said, he sounds like an arsehole to be honest.

 

You sound like a good lady, who has basically done her best with a guy who's a liar and has issues. Would you want him back still? I personally think you can do far better. Money/salaries should not be an issue in my eyes. What matters is that there's trust respect and love...you will find that again I'm sure.

[depplover_1980]

What are the reasons you love him?

[ShoeGurl1973]

Good question. I feel in love with him because he was a smart guy and I find that attractive. I never thought I'd like tattoos and he had a full sleeve - a little bad boy. We are different, but I liked it. I'm a little "Potterybarn" and he's a little "Tattoo Parlor". We have fun together and have a good social circle which I have come to appreciate. Other than that, I guess he doesn't have many other things to offer me, sadly. I guess if anything its become my life after so long and I'm sad for it to end - the little things - going to movies, cooking for someone, and having someone to snuggle. I cry myself to sleep at night because he's not next to me.

[depplover_1980]

Of course it doesn't ShoeGurl, it will hurt like crazy. It is going to leave a gaping hole because as humans, in general, we become creatures of both comfort and habit. However let's take a trip down memory lane then - 4 years ago you had a very different life to the one with him in. You need to push yourself into those memories and get some ideas for stuff you used to do/haven't done for a while and also recall how you filled your time back then. That gap in your stomach can be filled in the short term while it heals over in the background.

 

I asked what you loved as I wanted some insight and I feel you gave it. But I get a strong sense of past glory between you, with the sense that his insecurities have been seeping further and further into the relationship. It is a huge imbalance and something you shouldn't have to put up with; he effectively tries to make you feel guilty for being so frickin great and successful. Hello! The man in your life should be sat on your right shoulder telling you how wonderful you are in life, to be living and leading true equality in the modern world.

 

His recent behaviour is that of a man on the edge and right now you don't deserve to be around it, nor do you deserve the recent abuse he threw your way. Who knows he may get his s h i t together, but I somehow get the feeling he won't. I totally think you have made the correct call here all things considered. Ride out the pain, DO NOT fall foul to his guilt trips and be the strong woman you've always been. x

[name witheld]

Sounds like his ego was bruised and made him say things he probably didn't mean. Also he was likely to be drunk when he was at the bar and I'd imagine his buddies gave him stick about the missus turning up.

Doesn't justify any of it but thats probably the driver.

 

I think he is used to manipulating you with threats and you follow so he finds comfort in that. This time he didn't get his own way and had to go through with it and was probably angry because of that.

 

Either way because of that and the lying etc I don't think this can lead to good things. He might be grooming you for abuse so please be careful.

 

He is likely to be regretting what he said and what has happened, I'll bet that he comes back to you with lots of promises. What happens from there is up to you, but if there has ever been anything like this happen in the past I'd urge you to really think about it.

 

But as others have said I think you are doing the right thing so far.

 

Good luck.