Break up pending post abortion

[confused1983]

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[sIZE=3][FONT=Calibri]I have only been with my boyfriend for 2 months, and a month ago we found out that I was pregnant despite being on the pill. We made the decision to terminate the pregnancy, I’m 27 and he is 24. [/FONT][/sIZE]

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[sIZE=3][FONT=Calibri]I had the termination last week, and it wasn’t an easy decision, I still didn’t know if it was the right decision the morning I went for it, maybe it’s the sort of thing you are never really sure of. I tried to discuss every option with him, including keeping it, but as he has grand plans to go travelling in January (and wants me to go with him) he was steadfast in his decision that he didn’t want it – so it left me looking at a life as a single parent with little money to support myself and a baby. He was dismissive and said it would ‘ruin everything’. I know he is not an unkind person, but I was hoping for the “whatever you decide I’ll support” approach. Maybe that was asking too much. When I’m thinking rationally instead of emotionally I do think I have done the right thing, but I am struggling to stop thinking about it. [/FONT][/sIZE]

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[sIZE=3][FONT=Calibri]I’m back at work so in the day I’m busy and distracted, and then I go home and just cry. I see pregnant women and babies or young children with their families and I feel empty, then guilt takes over and I curse myself, and him to an extent. [/FONT][/sIZE]

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[sIZE=3][FONT=Calibri]I asked him to give me some time to myself to recover and to get my head round things, he said that was fine because he “completely understood” what I’d been through – if I’m honest that statement angered me, he didn’t take the tablets, he didn’t end a life, but is that the right way to look at it?? He said that he was scared this would break us up and that worried him the most because he loves me so much (after a month??!!), he said he just wanted me back to how I was and for us to get back to normal. He knew I’d been through a lot and found it difficult to give me the space I asked for because he is used to being there for people he cares about - I said the best thing he could do was to do as I had asked. [/FONT][/sIZE]

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[sIZE=3][FONT=Calibri]He continued to text and call, and every day for 4 days asked if he could come over or if I wanted to travel to see him (he has no car) I replied and said I need space, and that him asking everyday to see me put me under pressure. He continued to text, just general, “how’s your day” “I’m walking by the river” I spoke to him and said that I knew I was being selfish but I really need time on my own and asked him to give me space. Despite him saying he understood he carried on texting me - texts like “shame I haven’t heard from you but never mind” “why don’t you reply to my texts” “I miss you” it got to the point where he was sending up to 7 messages in 2 hours (without me replying). I spoke to him twice more and explained that I needed time and speaking to him at the moment wasn’t helping me. He said he understood, we went for 1 day without contact and then my older sisters anniversary party came around on Saturday, he turned up and cornered me for an hour even though I said it wasn’t the time or the place and pointed out that my mum (who is not aware of the situation) was sat 2 seats behind us. [/FONT][/sIZE]

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[sIZE=3][FONT=Calibri]I’ve been to my doctor twice since the termination and she said I need to take it on board and asked if I have spent time thinking about the experience and accepting it. Over the last week I have been trying to face what has happened, to stop thinking “what if” and accept responsibility for my decision, but I don’t feel like I’ve gotten anywhere because all I’ve been thinking about is my boyfriend and trying to explain to him that I need time. [/FONT][/sIZE]

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[sIZE=3][FONT=Calibri]We’re meeting tonight to finish the conversation we started on Saturday. [/FONT][/sIZE]

[sIZE=3][FONT=Calibri]I don’t think I want to be with him anymore. I feel angry and frustrated, but then guilty because I know he is quite naive when it comes to relationships and I think he is quite immature in this respect and I don’t want to hurt him. My doctor told me I have to be selfish and focus on myself – I have a long history of depression, and have suffered with it since I was 17. This past year and 3 months is the first time that I have been able to cope without anti-depressants and beta blockers. For the first time in my life I felt like I was actually living, the thought of becoming depressed again terrifies me as it took me so long to beat it. My bf is aware of this but I dont think he understands.[/FONT][/sIZE]

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[sIZE=3][FONT=Calibri]I’m just worried that I could be jumping the gun, or that I’ve been unfair to him, by nature I’m not a selfish person and I’m feeling guilty for hurting him, but then I’m quite good at burying my head in the sand and not dealing with the bigger issues at hand. I want to face what has happened so I don’t sink into depression, but I’m so scared that if I do I will become depressed regardless.[/FONT][/sIZE]

[Rose T]

Dear confused,

 

I'm so sorry you're going through this, I can't imagine what a tough time it must be for you. There are a number of pretty serious issues involved here so do keep taking professional help - your doctor is absolutely right that you have to focus on yourself at the moment and really take care of yourself.

 

There are a lot of things you're trying to cope with at the moment, the termination, your relationship, your depression - I think it must be nearly impossible to deal with all three at once. So, take your time. You don't need to make any quick decisions about your relationship, you've asked for time and this is one of the rare occasions where asking for space is absolutely justifiable. Take your time, grieve, and get some counselling if you can.

 

I think that in the weeks and months ahead you will have a good sense of whether your boyfriend is a good companion for you, I have no doubt that this has been a really huge growing up experience for him too and time will tell if that will make you stronger or signal that you're not really compatible.

 

As for your depression, that's a different subject altogether, and I imagine that you need to keep paying attention to your needs in that area when the time is right, so keep talking to the professionals.

 

Confused, this has been quite a time for you, you're allowed to be very upset and stressed by everything, so gather good people around you and take very good care of yourself at this time. Really sending big hugs out to you now.

[confused1983]

Thank you rose, I feel relieved that somebody understands. The thing is, I feel like if I don't break up with him then the relationship will be hanging over me like a black cloud. He simply just doesn't get it. The day after the party I text him saying we should meet to talk and we arranged a day and a time (tonight). But then he continued to text that day and yesterday, saying again "why don't you reply to me" - he should know why!!! And "it would be good to talk as I don't know where I stand". Nothing was said at the party to change the fact that i still wanted time to myself and i kept my distance in order to avoid confusion, but he still didn't get it; so I had to send him another message explaining that. The more he pushes me the further I pull away. I think it may have reached the point of no return, instead of seeing him as a man who I could have a future with, I see him as an annoying child who lacks the insight and sense to have an adult relationship. I considered suggesting that we don't speak for a couple of weeks but I think that could just be delaying the inevitable. My friends have said if we had a 'break' itvwould be cruel as it would give him false hope and string him along. I think they have a point, but then I confuse myself by questioning whether it would be a mistake. Although I think that could be partly down to not wanting to be alone on some level. I have plenty of friends and I loved my life having finally been able to live without depression, it may sound horendous but I don't want to be in a relationship where I'm carrying somebody else emotionally or feel like the only grown up. And then when I think I have just reached a decision my mind throws a spanner in the works - So he may be immature, but he is a good person, he would do anything for anyone. My god I'm making myself dizzy!

 

I have a counselling appoinent booked for next Tuesday afternoon, I've seen this lady before so she knows me and I think she would be able to help. It would have been good if I could have spoken to her before seeing him, but I don't think the 'talk' whatever the outcome is, could wait a week. If I did I'd be worrying the fact that I was hurting him and being unfair instead of focusing on coming to terms with the termination. I'm meeting him in an hour and a half, what the hell am I supposed to do!!??

[heartshaped]

You've only been with him for two months, he's already disrespecting your needs, and being severely needy..honestly, I'd break things off now before either of you are too invested. It doesn't sound like he's the type of man you need right now. In fact, I don't know that you really need a relationship at all right now seeing as all you are going through. [so, so sorry btw]

[Rose T]

Look, the only thing I can say is that your gut instincts are probably right - he hasn't really stepped up to the plate in this crucial time and you're seeing his immaturity in all its glory.

 

All I'm saying is, if you don't want to make that decision tonight to break up with him, you don't have to. You can just talk. Really let him know about your doubts and fears. I'm only saying this to give you a break at the moment, so you don't then regret it and feel you need him because it's an emotionally trying time for you. That's all.

 

You don't have to make a big decision tonight. If it comes out, it comes out. Just do what's easiest for you at the moment, choose the path of least pain. If you want to wait until you're clearer to exit the relationship, that's ok too. Good luck and hugs.