Why is he pulling away after 8 months?

[Grace]

I really need some advice...badly. I'm sorry if this is so long too.

 

My whole life I've gotten into bad relationships. I'm now in my early 30's. I usually date cheaters or guys that come on strong and pull away quickly.

 

I finally met the man of my dreams. It wasn't love at first sight, but he's sweet, cute, reliable and calls me when he says he will. He's also a non-cheater. He's totally against 2 timing and has never cheated. He has very high morals. I thanked God everyday for letting me find him. I've been w/ him for 8 mos. now and have grown to really love and care for this guy. He was probably the most decent guy I've ever dated.

 

After 6 mos. I did the typical girl thing. "where is the relationship going?" He didn't tell me what i wanted to hear so I ended it w/ him. I didn't want to get hurt and I was so scared cause he still wasn't in love w/ me. Actions speak louder than words and his actions told me he was in love, even though he's never said it...but I wanted to hear it. He cried (which is something he doesn't do) when I ended it. The next day we talked and got back together. I told him i'd chill and just go w/ it and not pressure, which I've been doing. He felt it was too soon to be in love. He said when he says it, it will be forever and he doesn't want to say it if he doesn't fully mean it yet. His parents fought and went thru a divorce, so he's really cautious.

 

Well things had been going very well. I'd never been happier. I felt like we were really starting to grow and get close. In the past month, we've had a few minor, silly tiffs. Not a big deal. He'd tell me how to drive, I'd tell him to stop. He's a little bossy, but I think it's cute and funny. I oppose him for laughs, though he doesn't seem to find it funny. We were also talking everyday on the phone or seeing each other 5-6 days of the week or we'd meet up after hanging out w/ friends too.

 

Well 2 weeks ago, we got into a little tiff cause I was mtg. his ex for the first time at a party. I'm hate ex gf's cause ever guys I've ever dated has cheated on me with an ex. He got mad at me for being insecure and I went to walk away. He said "That's it, you and i are not compatible. We don't see eye to eye on anything. It's over, I don't want this anymore. I'm not happy and you arent' happy w/ me either." I was in shock. I said how long have you been thinking of doing this. He said "a week now." Then he said, it's the way you drive on the left side of the road, you're always late, it's the way you look up when your driving. I tell you not to do something that I know is bad for you and you fight me on it, plus you're insecure about my ex...I don't want this anymore." I asked if there was someone else...he said "of course not. You know i would never do that." I begged him not to throw us away and give it another chance. He said "Why, what's another chance going to do. Why drag it on. let's just walk away w/ the good memories while we still can." He said he wanted to be w/ someone where there was never any fighting ever, but right now he wanted to be single.

 

Then the convo turned into "it's not you that makes me unhappy, it's me." Then it turned into him asking if we can still stay friends. I said no and he got so upset. "Why can't you still be my friend. I won't let you just walk out of my life." After an hour of discussing, he said, "alright, we'll give it another try." Then we went and talked and for the first time in 8 mos. He actually opened up to me about his feelings (unrelated to me). He doesn't open up to anybody, and I noticed he was opening up to me and telling me about how he feels he's hiding behind a relationship and not focusing enough on his job, that he feels he hasn't been able to give me the things I need emotionally, to which I replied..."You've been amazing." I felt so close, yet so distant from him (if that's possible). I was scared, even though he didn't want to break up in the end. That night he held me so close and the next day wanted to be with me, though I left to give him space.

 

Now here it is 2 weeks later, I feel like I'm walking on eggshells, and he hardly ever calls me and only sees me once a week. He went away with the boys last w/e and called me as soon as he got back to town and wanted to see me, but now I haven't heard from him in 3 days. I don't understand what happened. He's breaking my heart. He's going away w/ me to visit my parents this w/e and my whole family is going to be there for a surprise party. He still wants to go...which I was surprised about, but he never calls me anymore, yet when I do talk to him, he still asks me how my car is doing, if I'm paying my credit card bill...stuff like that. Last week i was sick and he said if he knew he would have brought me soup and he acted so worried, but then didn't call me for 2 days after. I don't get it. He used to invite me to hang out w/ him and his friends, not anymore. Can anyone offer advice? what should I do? It really hurts and talking to him will only push him away more?

[Curt]

I have to admit, I think the most telling line is where you say that six months into the relationship, he is still not comfortable telling you that he loves you.

 

Hmm...now, I know some guys have major issues in this regard, anyways. Also, he may just be very cautious given what he saw happen with his parents. Nonetheless, I have to wonder about how long it should take to tell someone you love them. Is six months too short in your estimation?

 

I dunno...I'm dense perhaps , but I don't think it's too soon at all. Even if I had inital reservations, I don't think it would be out of whack to say to someone that I felt I loved them, if we were looking at a six month timeline.

 

Additionally, and perhaps more importantly is the bossiness issue. That you found (or even find) it cute or funny, is not necessarily a good thought. You said that you have opposed him "for laughs" but that the humor appears lost on him.

 

All of a sudden, he blows up at you one day, citing a slew of reasons why he was frustrated. Unless you're grossly endangering your life with these little unique ways you have, then what we have here appears to be a mere deflection...he's citing things that (for the most part) would not be likely to bend someone that out of joint. HE was thinking about this all for about a week.

 

Now, he's done what I would think is one of the most troubling things that a person who loves another can do to that partner; he's acting lukewarm to you. He's not hot, and not cold, but VERY "in between". My bet...he's still not sure about you both eight months in.

 

I believe a full-fledged break IS what the doctor ordered...do it yesterday.

 

Again, that is merely my $0.02.

[midori]

Hi Grace,

 

Wow, your post brought back some memories. I have an ex (in fact for me he's the ex even though I've since dated and broken up with a couple of guys) who was so very like what you describe: moody, controlling (bossy), uncommunicative. Parents went through awful divorce when he was twelve. Mother is clinically insane. Very successful and all-consuming career that makes having a relationship difficult because he's often roaming the globe.

 

In other words, lots and lots of reasons to be cautious about love. But at some point, certainly by the time you're 30, you've got to get over that. I was in a relationship for more than 3 years with a man who was never sure I was worth it. I told myself that he just needed time to trust me -- sure enough, a little more than a year after we first got together he admitted that he loved me. Progress! Of course I'd suffered through a year of thinking he didn't find me interesting, intelligent or worthwhile...and actually I was still getting that impression even after he reluctantly admitted his love. Reluctantly! Why was I on permanent probation? Why was I having to go through daily auditions? I have no alarming habits. I'm intelligent. I'm generally kind -- kids and dogs just love me. I'm reasonably attractive. But I was not "enough" for him.

 

He finally did break up with me and it was awful, simply awful for me. You might think that he'd just go on to replicate the same kind of unsatisfying relationship with someone else, that he was seeking an ideal he'd never find. But he later fell madly in love with another woman. He would have moved mountains to be with her. Their relationship didn't work out either, but the point is this: this frightened-of-love man, who had maintained a campaign of low-level rejection of me for more than 3 years, WAS capable of feeling and expressing deep and overwhelming love. He evidently chose the wrong person. But it didn't have anything to do with needing to trust or feel secure -- he trusted me, and from what I understand he was never secure with her. I'd been trying to give him what he needed so that maybe he'd give me what I needed. Bad idea. I should have cut bait as soon as it became clear that he wasn't able, through his own means, to love me. I'm not the world's most confident person but I know I deserve to be loved.

 

And you do too. Let the break-up stand. Damn, you deserve more than ambivalence from the man you love. I don't care about his parents. If it's a problem for him he should get himself into therapy so that he gets it under control.

 

Tonight I'm going out on a date with a guy who is handsome, very intelligent and accomplished, generally nice, slightly goofy and pretty keen on me. THAT is what I deserve, and that is what you deserve too Grace. I'm still in touch with my ex. I still love him in many ways. But I'm no longer willing to make do with crumbs of affection begrudgingly given. Whatever this guy's problems are, they're his problems. Just because he's afraid or whatever doesn't mean you should be able to make do without being treated the way you deserve.

 

Also like my ex, your guy seems inclined to sudden explosions that take him in radically different directions than the path he'd been maintaining (like breaking up with you from out of the blue). That crap is very hard to live with, as you know. You're walking on eggshells -- why? Because Mr. Fragile Emotional/Mental State might crack? Is that going to be your job from now on -- contort yourself into an emotional pretzel so that nothing freaks him out? Expect nothing and be grateful for the fact that if he had known you were sick (he didn't cos communicating with you on a daily basis isn't important to him) he would have brought you some soup? Come on. Very poor indeed.

 

Tell him to forget your family get-together this weekend. Don't foist him on your folks. Don't make your family time awkward for yourself because you're constantly worried that your brother-in-law is boring Mr. Fragile, or that Mr. Fragile is uncomfortable witnessing your parents' happily married state because it reminds him that his parents are divorced, or that if Mr. Fragile sees how you laugh and bray with your sisters he'll develop even more disgust of you. Going to visit your family is a priviledge -- do you really think that's how he sees it? Or does he think he's doing you a favor?

 

If you feel the person you're with is merely tolerating you, you're not with the right person.

[Grace]

Wow. Thank u so much for your story. You are so right. I'm not going to end it with him yet though, because i still have feelings for him, but I've decided to see other people. I'm not going to be faithful to a dead end relationship and I should never have to walk on eggshells around a guy who is the one. Besides,I've been crying for 2 days and the right guy for me would never allow that.

 

I have a question for you...did you ever talk to your ex (when u were still w/ him) and tell him how you felt about the eggshell thing? Did your ex also have a million friends, but no best friend?

 

I spoke to him this morning and he really wants to go w/ me to my parents. He really likes my family and said he told me that he wants to go. I'm in my 30's now and I'll be kicking myself if i'm still w/ him a year from now. I don't want to waste any more time on dead end relationships. Besides, I've played the role of therapist before and it's exhausting and like banging your head into the wall...and for what? I know that my feelings will fade for him cause he's hurt me. I'll lose all respect for him and won't want him anymore. That's how it always happens when they let me down. THat's all of a sudden when they want me. Isn't that always how it is.

[jenny]

i read this three times to make sure i understood it:

 

Then he said, it's the way you drive on the left side of the road, you're always late, it's the way you look up when your driving

 

 

this is nuts! not only critical, but evidently insane as well. you are lucky to be free of him if he is this desperate to find critiques.

[Grace]

It's hard to be totally clear in the postings. It's not that I do those things that piss him off, it's the way I respond to his critiques. I snap and tell him to stop telling me what to do, which then will turn into an argument. He feels that he's being cautious and concerned for me, but I feel it comes across as bossy. When he tells me not to look up when I drive, I'll do it anyway. If he tells me to get out of the passing lane, I tell him to stop telling me how to drive and I'll refuse to get out of the lane. The late thing, that's just something I can sorta understand and change the best I can, but it's me and I've already told him he's going to have to deal w/ it.

[midori]

Originally posted by Grace

I have a question for you...did you ever talk to your ex (when u were still w/ him) and tell him how you felt about the eggshell thing? Did your ex also have a million friends, but no best friend?

 

 

Well our situation was a little more complicated, when we were together I was doubtful of myself because I hadn't found my place in the world yet, and it didn't seem so unreasonable to me that I was always so accommodating and careful about his feelings, etc. But such a conversation wouldn't have gone over well, I can promise you that.

 

And it's so funny you say this but YES he has literally hundreds of friends, or people he calls friends. Yet these people are useless for him when he's in a personal crisis; in fact some of them are probably toxic presences in his life, just encouraging him in his unhealthy patterns. He has some old friends that he's pretty close to, but they don't seem to really talk about things that are weighing on him.

 

Believe me, I KNOW how hard it is to walk away from someone you love. Especially when it seems like they might have need of you. But as long as you stay in some kind of relationship with him you won't allow yourself to connect to someone who might be really good for you.

 

Tell him he's not coming along this weekend. Tell him that you'd prefer to see your family on your own, given the uncertain nature of your relationship at the moment. Don't relent, no matter what he says or does. This weekend he will not be spending time with you as if he were your devoted and caring boyfriend -- because he hasn't been acting like one. It would be even better for you if you could break up with him, but you really shouldn't let him come along to see your family. Don't let him ruin it for you. And who knows maybe it will send him a wake-up call.

 

I'm not saying there's no hope at all. I know what it's like to love someone like that. But you've got to recognize, for your own sake, that you have to take him with many grains of salt, and not pin your hopes on him. Try to minimize his presence in your life if you can't eliminate it. You need to protect yourself, and look out for your own happiness -- cos guess what, he's not going to.

[Iamhappy]

You need to protect yourself, and look out for your own happiness -- cos guess what, he's not going to.

 

Listen to Midori. I wish I possessed this wisdom years earlier. I too was in a similar relationship for nearly seven years. It just ended a few months ago. I can't tell you just how much damage - mental, psychological and emotional - I've suffered from having been with this guy. I started out a very strong woman and years later ended up with virtually no self-esteem or self-respect. That's what years of walking around on eggshells, being fearful of offending him and trying to make yourself good enough for him can do to you.

 

I too wondered where our relationship was headed. Most times he never wanted to talk about it. Then, he started telling me he wasn't sure about the future. Finally, he would tell me often that every day he was with me he died inside. He never wanted children with me he said because he already had one - me.

 

And yet I stayed and so did he. I continued to twist myself into all sorts of shapes to make myself acceptable to him.

 

I don't want to get into the details of my sob story (if you really want to know the whole story, it's in the coping forum entitled "Treated like dirt"), but it ended with me having so little sense of self-worth and self-respect, I tried to take my own life.

 

Don't be like me. Get out now while you still have a sense of who you are.

 

You deserve better. And so do I. I just wish I knew that earlier.

[Grace]

Midori - We probably dated the same guy? How long were you w/ your guy for? This w/e I really do want him to come. He would never ruin my time at my parents. If anything I’ll have an even worse w/e if he’s not there. I’m hoping this w/e will clarify things for me. I want to see how this w/e goes and give it the one last ditch effort. It’s only been 2 weeks since things have gone awry and this is the first time this has happened. He never picks me apart and tells me I’m doing stuff wrong (I should have written it more clearly in my original post). Anyway, the real issue is it’s the arguing that he can’t stand. The arguing over stupid little things. He detests them cause he doesn’t want to turn out like his parents he said.