timchambo Posted January 30, 2011 Share Posted January 30, 2011 Brief history: over 7 years together and engaged. In our mid 20s. I provided financially for the last 4. Let her chase and find her dream career. Leaves me right before holidays and moves in with parents. She started talking to some guy she worked with immediately after moving out. Initially tried to put me on back burner which I told her was not gonna happen. So she was obviously cheating emotionally while at work. Still denies leaving for this other guy. Says we are not compatible. Insulted our relationship once I called her out on the cheating. Here I am a month later confused if I am justified in being angry with her. I'm so mad at her I know I don't want to be friends ever. But then I find myself actually believing some of what she says which almost hurts worse. Truthfully I feel she says these things to reason to herself why she did what she did. Sure our personallities vary a bit as any couple would, but I think 7 years living together does say something about our compatabilitiy. Rarely argued, and seemed to have a pretty healthy relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
usagi Posted January 30, 2011 Share Posted January 30, 2011 (edited) Yeah you're right to be mad/upset; but truthfully there's not a lot that telling her how unhappy she's made you (temporarily) or how wrong she is, or that she's made a mistake...and so forth will do. She's made her choice and the hard thing is that you didn't get to be involved in that choice. That smarts. A lot. Especially after 7 years together where you will have both talked things through with each other and made decisions together regularly. The best thing you can do is focus on the now rather than the 'what was', 'what could have been' and 'what will never be'. Take time for yourself, coming to terms with the massive upheaval this has had on your life will take time. Get the essentials and legals sorted out (if there are any) such as forwarding mail, exchanging possessions and taking names off of leases/deeds as soon as possible and in a professional way. This way you can start to clear your head and face yourself in the mirror each day because you know that you are a good person and that you have acted ethically and correctly. As someone on here has said before: her decision is not a reflection on you but a reflection of her; is this the sort of person that you really think you deserve or do you think that you deserve someone who respects you and loves you? Edited January 30, 2011 by usagi correcting spelling Link to post Share on other sites
Author timchambo Posted January 30, 2011 Author Share Posted January 30, 2011 Took her name off the lease/bills etc. Even though I paid it all... It's been a few weeks since we spoke, though I had to let her know via text I don't want to talk since she wouldnt stop calling/texting. So I'm at the point of accepting it's over by trying to wrap my head around what feelings are appropriate to have now. I loved her so much it's hard for me to be mad. But then I think about how she was even capable of this and now I feel like she hid a side of herself from me this whole time. So maybe I never really loved who she really was. Then I can be mad again. She's the type to always get defensive and start to attack when criticized. So it's hard to know what she actually means. All the stuff she complained about after I called her out on the cheating was all stuff she claimed to love about our relationship this whole time. If only she could come to grips and own up to what's she's done. Then maybe she could have said her good bye without slinging mud. She done so much damage I wonder if she knows she really did lose her best friend yet. Link to post Share on other sites
bluebirdsfly Posted January 30, 2011 Share Posted January 30, 2011 (edited) Let her chase and find her dream career. She's in a new stage in her life and she's looking for greener grass. Don't expect her to snap out of this greener grass syndrome in any near future. It might be taking several years before she could realize that she made a mistake. Move on. Definitely straight NC. Best of lucks! Emotional cheating is definitely cheating. She doesn't deserve you in any way. Edited January 30, 2011 by bluebirdsfly Link to post Share on other sites
dng Posted January 30, 2011 Share Posted January 30, 2011 You don't have PM privs yet so I can't PM you. Read throught some of this site.. http://gettinbetter.com/dance.html I bet you'll find it strangely familiar.. You can start from there and begin to understand what just happened to you. Link to post Share on other sites
DustySaltus Posted January 30, 2011 Share Posted January 30, 2011 She doesn't have the slightest idea of what being engaged is all about. If she did this to you after all the effort you put into it, you have absolutely NOTHING to be ashamed of. She wants you to let her off the hook for what she did to you. Strict NC here, don't let her off the hook. Let her thoughts consume her when she realize that the grass isn't greener. You did a lot. You did nothing wrong. Link to post Share on other sites
Author timchambo Posted January 30, 2011 Author Share Posted January 30, 2011 Dng, thanks for the link. She fits the bill of both narcissist and borderline in some areas. There seems to be a broad definition of both, so I'm not sure she fits either to a tee. Before seeing that link I started to think she was narcissistic based on thinking back to how she treated her parents and friends. Just thought all this time she would mature and grow out of it. Never saw her throwing me/us away like that. There was a lot more giving done in the last year on my end to male matters worse. Don't want to give specifics and blow my cover. She was 22 when we got engaged. Now she says she was just too young and made a mistake, and now she knows what she really wants. That's one of the things that make it hurt. She saying this now and only now. Now that she left and hanging with this new guy. Not 1 month ago was she saying your the only one for me, I would die for you, etc. That's where my heart says damn, maybe I shouldn't be mad. That being the point of this thread, am I justified in my anger. Link to post Share on other sites
Author timchambo Posted January 31, 2011 Author Share Posted January 31, 2011 So I know I am breaking the NC "rules" by this as well as laws, but I needed to see this for my own eyes because what she had fed me was BS and I knew it. I found she sent an email to one of her co-workers she had been working with (at the job she has met "mr right" at), and it basically says: "I am dating xxxx now, hes so amazing!... so different from my ex!" While I find knowing this type information to not hurt immediately (it actually makes me smile knowing she's f'n nuts), it usually hurts the next couple days. After all I had done for her she is now trashing my character to everyone she knows. I had heard through the grape vine she said other totally untrue things about our relationship and her contributions to it (along with down playing mine). Is this standard for someone who has "fallen out of love"? It really shows an insane lack of respect in my eyes. Sure she doesn't think I will ever find out and I shouldn't have. If I had any doubts about being her friend in the future, this has cemented my opinion. How can she be so bitter, cold and mean? I literally LOL'd at work when I read that line in the email. It's really crazy how her words to me have been so different to what she's saying to other people. Obviously she had been just destroying me to her co-workers if she made that comment. But when she wanted her "break" after she had finished working, she says to me "your the only one for me!", "you'd do anything for me!", "I just need to be single right now", "I'm not leaving for anyone else", etc... Now I feel I want to defend myself to everyone. Like I said outside of the routine financial obligations I took care of, there was some really significant things I did for her less than a year ago. Including a very romantic week-long trip just the two of us. We have quite a few mutual friends so I feel like a piece of ****. How can she cheat, then trash me and live with herself? My god.. Link to post Share on other sites
darran Posted January 31, 2011 Share Posted January 31, 2011 "I am dating xxxx now, hes so amazing!... so different from my ex!" you know... my ex said EXACTLY the same thing!!!! :S Link to post Share on other sites
Chi townD Posted January 31, 2011 Share Posted January 31, 2011 In her mind she knew that people know she was in a long term relationship then all of the sudden there's a new guy. She probably thought that people would raise and eyebrow to that. Therefore, in order for people not to think of her as a slut, she's telling people that, "she wasn't happy.", "He treated me like garbage." etc..etc... making herself out to be the victum and not you. What you need to do, is stop worrying about what she's doing. GO COMPLETELY NC! No looking at facebook, block her. Block her from e-mail, lose her phone number. If mutual friends ask you what happened, be honest. She left you for another guy. Plain and simple. Then drop it, let them ask her about it. Let her get all pissed off. Being mad takes too much energy. Link to post Share on other sites
depplover_1980 Posted January 31, 2011 Share Posted January 31, 2011 Stop worrying what other people think and keep a dignified silence, those whose opinion matters to you will know you and know the truth. She sounds like an attention seeking moron to me and in years to come you will laugh that you loved her for so long. But take solace that you are young and will find so much better. Promise.x Link to post Share on other sites
Eddie Edirol Posted January 31, 2011 Share Posted January 31, 2011 So I know I am breaking the NC "rules" by this as well as laws, but I needed to see this for my own eyes because what she had fed me was BS and I knew it. I found she sent an email to one of her co-workers she had been working with (at the job she has met "mr right" at), and it basically says: "I am dating xxxx now, hes so amazing!... so different from my ex!" While I find knowing this type information to not hurt immediately (it actually makes me smile knowing she's f'n nuts), it usually hurts the next couple days. After all I had done for her she is now trashing my character to everyone she knows. I had heard through the grape vine she said other totally untrue things about our relationship and her contributions to it (along with down playing mine). Is this standard for someone who has "fallen out of love"? It really shows an insane lack of respect in my eyes. Sure she doesn't think I will ever find out and I shouldn't have. If I had any doubts about being her friend in the future, this has cemented my opinion. How can she be so bitter, cold and mean? I literally LOL'd at work when I read that line in the email. It's really crazy how her words to me have been so different to what she's saying to other people. Obviously she had been just destroying me to her co-workers if she made that comment. But when she wanted her "break" after she had finished working, she says to me "your the only one for me!", "you'd do anything for me!", "I just need to be single right now", "I'm not leaving for anyone else", etc... Now I feel I want to defend myself to everyone. Like I said outside of the routine financial obligations I took care of, there was some really significant things I did for her less than a year ago. Including a very romantic week-long trip just the two of us. We have quite a few mutual friends so I feel like a piece of ****. How can she cheat, then trash me and live with herself? My god.. You gotta understand that anyone who has to explain why they broke up with someone to their peers has to lie to make themselves look good, when they dont have confidence in their reasons. She will look like a horrible bitch if she tells her peers the truth, which would be "Oh I have been flirting with Bob for the last year, and I fell out of love with Timchambo 2 years ago and didnt tell him, or give him a chance to fix what bugged me about him. I didnt want to work on the relationship, so I led him on." if she said that to her people, they would look at her funny. but thats what comes with the territory. Most of the time, you see another side of people when they break up with you that youve never seen before. You could have done things over the years to kill her attraction to you, she may have dated you because you look good on paper and was never really attracted to you, you never know. She wont tell you anything that will make her have to deal with guilt, so you have to assess your own actions with her. You have to watch for the red flags all through your relationship to find out if youre with a maniac. You cant let your guard down. Bottom line is, it will take you a while, but you will realize that she did you a favor but breaking it off, and you will find someone who is a better fit for you eventually. Link to post Share on other sites
Author timchambo Posted February 1, 2011 Author Share Posted February 1, 2011 (edited) Thanks for the replies guys. I guess i was thinking more about causing her some damage when i think about it objectivly. I'm leaning towards taking the high road now. Oh how fun it would be to post a list of all the **** I did for her and all the romantic things we did, and just create a timeline of how it all played out to her facebook and lock her out of it. Her career relies 100% on social networking. Not sure anyone in that industry has a soul so it may not do me any good. I'll just let karma do it's work. It would be far more satisfying to let her realize the grass ain't as green as it looks and then let her see how she also lost her best friend when she inevitably tries to pry her way back in if only to have a real friend again. Although I still hurt when I think of her crying or hurting...hope that goes away soon. Edited February 1, 2011 by timchambo Link to post Share on other sites
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