torn between trying to figure out how to really get myself better and letting go

[nai]

Hi out there,

I've been looking around websites and this one seems to be just what I need right now.

 

The situation:

Last night, following a two week break initiated by my girlfriend (of almost 3 years), she told me that she just feels different now and she feels very confused. I guess this could be put into the words 'not in love' with me anymore.

 

My drama:

During the last two weeks, i have done so much thinking my head has almost exploded hehe

Not so much about us, although of course i did a bit of a postmortem on 'us' during the time.

Mainly i realised that i had a lot of unresolved issues within myself - going back to things in my past and that i had picked up a lot of bad personality habits from my parents - including paranoia, anxiety and depression - which i believe i have been experiencing for between 6 - 12 months now without knowing it.

The depression had a huge influence on me - i became stuck in my day to day routine and am sure that i was no fun to be with. During the last ~6 months my g/f has become quite distant and also at times has been quite nasty to me, and said she doesn't know why. I think that probably this was all a coping mechanism for her to deal with being with a person who had gone from a happy, positive, easy going person to a very serious, worried, mundane, depressed person. In myself i had lost all the colour from life and had become very robotic in my existence - this affected me hugely. usually, she was there to help me through these troubles, but unfortunately in the last ~9months we have both become busier in our lives, so i think i missed this support and thus it really took a hold of me.

 

In breaking up, we talked for over 5 hours with each other, this was a great process, and during this i also realised that i had been a very overbearing and controlling person throughout our relationship, and i think some of the nastiness from her was her way of trying to break free, to push me away so she could do her own thing.

 

She says that she loves me, and i still love her. We both definately feel our very special bond and connection together. I am in the very difficult position that i now feel that i have grown and changed immensely in the last couple of weeks, i feel that i am coming out of my depression, i am rediscovering what i used to be like, my hopes, dreams, etc. and for this i feel great within myself. I had a lot of the symptoms of depression and anxiety, warped thoughts of expectation, all or nothing, focussing on negative things and many more, and i think this has really affected my ex in a big way - i think this really pulled her down.

 

Now, however, i feel like i am changing this about myself, the problem is of course that i can see from her perspective that she has been in such a difficult situation with me like i was that she feels the only way she can get to know herself and understand herself is by pulling away from me totally - she says she still desperately wants to maintain our friendship - we really were best friends before the bitterness set in. I think she probably became resentful towards me for making her feel down because of how i was feeling at the time.

 

I now am stuck though because as i said i feel i have changed, but of course just saying this cannot possibly be enough for her. We both said that we still hold some hope for us in the future - but she intimated it was a slim hope in the distant future. I really believe that we were great together and just wish that she could take the leap and give me another go - i feel that i am a different person and she would feel this too and result in a really positive experience for both of us. I think that having addressed a lot of my issues, i can rectify these things and be a better person.

 

My coping mechanism keeps on telling me that maybe its for the best, that some time will really sort us out as inidividuals - that we need that for ourselves. Its just so difficult when you believe you can do things differently and really do good again.

 

Any advice out there? I'm grasping at straws and am torn between trying to figure out how to really get myself better (which i intend to do no matter what) and try to show her that through friendship and then see if anything develops and alternatively letting go of any possibility of involvement and just accept that we work better as friends and maintain the love and support of a friendship.

[Tony T]

I think it's best that you back off for a while and work on yourself. The changes you see now are just the result of the traumatic breakup. It's akin to prisoners suddenly finding religion after they've been given the death penalty. It takes a lot of time to make permanent changes and if you're around her much now, as friends or whatever, your old self will surely surface. Right now, she doesn't trust for a minute that you have made permanent changes...and she has good reason. Take the time to get counselling for the anger, see doctors for the depression, and totally change yourself for the better and permanently.

 

Right now, your lady is turned off by the thought of getting back with you. Time can change that. First take the time to really get into yourself and take the kinks out. Then gradually rekindle a friendship and see where it evolves. Hey, most people only get one chance at this love stuff. Frankly, I kind of like that idea. I personally don't want some lady screwing up royally...then coming back around to screw me over again. Fool me once, shame on you...fool me twice, shame on ME. I want to meet somebody who has got their shxt together and who is ready emotionally, psychologically, etc. to have a healthy relationship. I hope that's where you'll take yourself.

[copperboy]

Reading this I almost think I wrote it myself. This is exactly what is happening to me and I can understand the pain it's probably causing.

I now accept that my depression and anger has likely been the reason for my 4 year relationship to end. That dosen't mean it's all my fault though...

 

If it helps these are the questions I am asking myself...

- Is our relationship partly to blame for the anger/depression therefore do I want Her back?

- How much should this change who I am? (I want to totally give up computers for life cause I neglected her and sat on the computer all day when depressed) But this seems unreasonable sometimes?

- Am I wanting to get anger/depression help for myself or so she will come back? (I want it to be for myself but I still don't know)

- She knew that I was seriously depressed but expected me to make all the effort when I needed her support so should I be mad at her? (maybe I'm being selfish???)

 

Anyways, just some of my thoughts.

[nai]

thanks for the replies!

in response to the first reply, i will have to agree to disagree on one point with you - the changes i felt within me were actually PRE breakup and therefore i feel really that these were changes caused by me looking into myself, not rather a knee jerk emotional rush. I had been taking extreme risks in my life, trying to subconsciously effect a major change in some way or another, i think i was trying to force myself into getting to some situation so that i would reasses me, but didn't get there. luckily enough i had a girl who cared and who had strength, and although she didn't know it at the time, and although made things difficult, it really made things very much better for me.

i do agree and see the point that she really cannot find any trust and therefore cannot return to me - as she was hurt by my actions this would take a leap of faith larger than i think anyone would be prepared to make - i think really i need to work on me for my sake and if other things happen from this, so be it. However, in the mean time i will not get preoccupied with trying to better myself to try to get back with her, i think this would really damage me.

I think that everyone deserves a second chance. especially considering i was so young and naive and really had no idea what i was doing - with the issues i was carrying from the past, things were destined to head downhill - i just didn't realise it.

 

to the second response - these things you said really hit home. Some similar feelings here - i also use the computer a lot! and have also linked it a lot to my depression - in becoming withdrawn from life i managed to find solice in online forums and putting a lot of energy into participating on car discussion forums - one of my interests and a simple one as mechanics is so clear cut. i do think however, that i have some personal issues that mean when im confined to a computer, i become frustrated with myself (i work on a computer also)

i have done some more thinking and realise now that although there were a lot of factors in our relationship breakdown, and i can attribute a fair proportion of these to me, there are also similar factors which affected me in similar ways from her. things to do with my own self image and feeling i had to live up to unsaid expectations - this may not have been intended but the feeling was there - i was doing a lot of things 'for' her - such as the way i dressed, some choices i made, etc. therefore i do think that maybe partly the relationship did affect the anger/depression i had/have also and this is something i can look at more.

 

i think your third point about wanting to get help for yourself or so she will come back is a cogent and poinant one. this is exactly a feeling i have been dealing with. if it helps, my thought process has gone along the lines of really focussing on me, and appreciating that i can now do anything i want to do - anything that i feel like doing without feeling that necessity to answer back to someone (not that this was a big thing - it was just there) and this is a liberating feeling. Though difficult to deal with, to focus on one's self really shifts a lot of other thought patterns without even needing to consciously to rearrange these thoughts - it just seems to happen. One of these shifts i am finding is in really approaching the problems i have from a me standpoint. for so long ive felt like im being selfish to consider me and not the other person, and now at least i dont have that edge of guilt. i think this helps with this point about getting help for yourself - once you start looking at your own needs, as i am trying to do at the moment, i think you start to realise that you really do need to be happy with yourself and dare i say it - love yourself - before you can be happy with someone else. so basically what im trying to say is that to concentrate on you and i think the feeling that its for yourself will follow - though i am still battling this at the moment but i think that this really will be the case - im just trying to really look at myself as an individual entity.

 

i think in my case, my g/f had no idea that i was depressed - we were too close to have any perspective - either of us - and as this i think was a gradual change, i really think that neither of us saw it. but to look at your case, maybe you didnt actually ask her for help and support in a way she understood? maybe you just sort of expected it - cos i know thats what i did quite a few times. and then we you dont get the support back you need you feel hurt - even though the other person is never really none the wiser to the whole situation? just a thought might not be right. this said - i think it will help me to be a little bit selfish in a good way - like i said above - to do things for myself, to really get back in touch with me, because i think i had got a little lost - through the last few years of life and through the relationship.

[nai]

umm just a note too btw, i figure a moderator changed my post heading - but i don't really think that it's that appropriate - in my post i clearly state that i'm on the improve already and have really worked a lot of things out. also i don't feel torn at all - i feel like getting myself better will achieve great things for me and that it's not a one or the other type of thing - i don't feel that 'letting go' even is an option to me - maybe this is a problem, but i don't see it as one - i don't think its a necessity is what i mean - because i feel that as friends we can still exist together, and this is a major part of the confusion (original post topic) - that i really am confused - not between getting myself better and letting go - because these are not the things i am presented with - this topic suggests that letting go will stop me from figuring out how to really get myself better, and vice versa - whereas its more of a i know that im going to get better - it will be a process but i know i will, so this isnt a consideration in my confusion - its more i guess related to the girl in question - that the things i have inflicted on her and through the relationship both on each other - can these things be reconsidered and re-examined and things changed from this. considering the bond that we share this is the source of my confusion - this person will be in my life be it friend or otherwise (doubtful). so really, this is about healing wounds i guess and my re-evaluating aspects of my dealing with other people which do not work well.

[Paul]

Originally posted by nai

umm just a note too btw, i figure a moderator changed my post heading - but i don't really think that it's that appropriate

 

Kindly suggest a descriptive title for your thread that is no longer than 250 characters and does not contain the words "confused," "advice," "please," or "READ NOW OMG OMG OMG OMG!!!!!!!!!!" Idealy, we should know exactly what's going on before even reading your post.

 

Thanks.