we are both hurting, should we take a break? break up? make up?

[confused_gf]

Hi all, I'm in need of some serious advice.

 

I am 20 years old and have been dating my current BF for year, I truly love and care about him. He is my first true relationship and the one I lost my virginity to. I feel really attached to him and feel scared of what my life might be without him.

 

I have had doubts about our relationship, but I am have never really wanted to leave my boyfriend. I started noticing the lack of communication in our relationship, so I addressed it seriously with him and he started making the changes I wanted to see immediately. We were both really happy. Our relationship seemed really healthy.

 

Unfortunately this changed a few days ago when I slept with another guy. Basically me and the guy had been friends for years, but there was unspoken tension between us that exploded when we got drunk together. After the incident I felt so guilty I broke down and told my boyfriend the very next day.

 

Intitially he seemed to forgive me right away. I think he didn't want to believe it was true so we just tried to laugh it off. I stood over at his place for awhile and with each passing day he only seemed to get worse. We spent two days trying to be happy together but always ended up crying, sobbing, and venting instead. He tried to get me to say my friend raped me but I told him the truth, at the time I was drunk I wanted to be with him.

 

After hearing that he told me he still loved me but that he needed space. So I left.

 

I've been trying to give him space but I have been worried sick that he will leave me. It has been really hard for both of us because we are so used to spending regular time together.

 

When we have run into eachother on campus it is like a dark cloud is hanging over us. Neither of us can really shake what happened. I still haven't completely forgiven myself.

 

He just called me and we had a long discussion. It always starts with him telling me he can't be with me. Then I cry. Then he feels bad. Then we say we want to try to make it work. Then we argue about why I cheated on him.

 

He told me he feels I am inexperienced with boys, drugs, and alchohol and that is possible I will make more mistakes in the future because of it. He also feels I put to much effort into the relationship and that I have an illusion that we are going to get married. He feels I should focus more on myself, my friends, and lose the notion that we will be together forever.

 

I told him I only think he is half right about me being inexperienced. I know that because of the guilt I felt that I would never cheat on him again. I feel our relationship would have fallen apart if I didn't hold it together initially.I also feel there isn't much point of a relationship if you time stamp it and know that you won't be with the other person forever

 

I am scared of losing him, but sometimes I feel maybe he is right. I do also feel like I could be independent and also be in a relationship with more effort on my part. It really bothers me, however, that my boyfriend told me that he doesn't think we will get married, that he has other plans to travel and whatnot. Yet he still says he loves me and acts like he can't live without me. I find it confusing. I assumed that if you love someone you want them to be apart of your future, whatever that holds.

 

My basic question is, from the sound of this, is my relationship ruined? Should we just try to take a break or should we jump back into it? I'm very confused.

 

We made plans to see eachother tommorow so any advice is appreciated.

 

Thanks

 

confused

[JusChill]

Straight up, from a guys perspective....

 

There will be no trust in the relationship anymore, just put yourself in his shoes....would you forgive him, sincerely be honest...

 

even if u do get back with him, wouldn't u feel like insecure all the time?

 

if you really truly cared about him like you just said, you wouldn't have put yourself in a position where you might have gotten drunk to the point where you start making love with your friend.

 

U screw up big time. if you are planning to do something like this, next time break up first and then do it.

[boltsfan17]

If I were him, I would never be able to look at you the same or trust you again. Look at things through his shoes, why would he want to marry someone who cheated? I sure wouldn't.

 

If you truly did love and care for him, you wouldn't have cheated. How could you not think about him when you started to hook up with one of your guy friends? I'm sorry, but I just have no sympathy for people who cheat. Sorry if I'm being harsh.

 

I can't tell you if your relationship is ruined or not since that ultimately depends on if your boyfriend can forgive you and move past this, which probably will be very difficult for him. For the sake of things, it's probably best you two take a break from the relationship to figure everything out and where do you go from here.

 

You are only 20 years old. I really wouldn't be thinking about marriage at this stage in your life. You made a huge mistake. You need to forgive yourself and make sure you don't ever cheat on someone again. Live and learn from this.

[Darren Steez]

He made an effort to put things right when things were bad but you still cheated on him. You say there was tension between you and this guy, so this wasn't a spur of the moment thing, you had some sort of feelings for this man and when you got the opportunity, you acted on it. Your boyfriend put all the effort in then you still went and cheated on him, so what is he to think? Once you cross that bridge it's very hard to come back. Your boyfriend was trying to find reasons why the woman he loved went and slept with someone else, even trying to rationalize by saying the other guy raped you and yet you still told him, no you slept with him because you wanted to be with him...ouch! You said you were scared to lose him but it doesn't seem so because you needed to resolve this thing you had with your "friend" first, did your man come into your head when this guy was boning you? Otherwise if you really loved him you would have stopped. You've shattered your boyfriend's trust, if you really love him give him space and let him decide how to proceed. Good luck.