It feels like my world's ending...

[Scruffydog]

I’ve cut & pasted this from ‘Word’ and just realised that it goes on a bit so, as a bit of a pre-script, sorry. I need to write my story though…

 

I met her mid summer 7 years ago. Let me call her Anna. We hit it off straight away but were both 'kind of' involved with other people. We would occasionally see each other, just as friends, and I knew she was a wonderful girl, so different to me in every way and she was always on my mind. Early the next year I'd gone to see her for a coffee and a catch up when she told me she had strong feelings for me and I was the one she wanted to be with. To cut to the chase, I was still seeing someone else and told her that I had to follow that relationship through, although I really knew it wasn't going anywhere. Foolishly I let Anna go, although she, by then, had gotten into my heart. She started seeing another guy, my relationship fizzled out, but Anna was still the first thing I thought of in the morning and she was the beautiful girl on my mind as I lay in bed waiting to fall asleep. Come the following summer I dropped into her place of work and there she was and her face lit up when she saw me. I'd so missed seeing her. We got talking, inevitably fixed a date to catch up and within a few weeks, having sat up talking all night, we shared our first kiss. And I can feel it now. Five months on, we moved into rented accommodation together, her 2 daughters willingly accepting me as a father figure. Eighteen months later we took a joint mortgage on a cottage in the countryside and our lives seemed wonderful; I'd never been so happy in all my life. My interests took a back seat as I cared for my little family and everything in the garden looked rosy. Anna retrained in various complementary therapies, she has wonderful people skills, and I delighted in helping her in any way I could. It was great to see her grow and with it, so did my love for her. She eventually gave up her job and chose self-employment, starting with a target of £50 a week! It didn't take long to exceed that and her business soon grew despite only working part time because of the girls. Our love was complete on all levels; spiritually, emotionally and physically.

 

After a year or so Anna seemed to change, she became moody, rather up and down and she evidently started the menopause; she'd had a sterilisation shortly before our reunion and put it down to this. But I put up with the downside of things, despite all of the grief and anger that was directed my way. My love for her was unconditional and I let her take out her frustrations on me. She was my life partner, what else was I to do? It hurt hugely at times, the anger never quite broke into violence but such were her rages at times, they were almost tangible. It was as though she was a manic-depressive. There were a couple of threatened break ups but we always made up. I loved her so much and knew that we needed each other, we'd get through it. Inevitably though, with the pressures of life, bills, debts, the house etc., things were strained but I never stopped telling her how wonderful she was or how beautiful looked and that I loved her. Never ever. I kept our family going. And how much was I missing the physical side of things!? I ached to hold her and make love with her as we’d done so regularly before, but I gave her the space that she needed as work, the menopause and family life left her (and me) exhausted. Keeping strong I thought "We'll get through this"...

 

But back in May, as life kept rolling on, she said to me that she needed to talk about us. I'd been here with her before and we talked, there were tears on both sides, but this time it was different. She loved me but was no longer ‘in love’ with me, she needed space, she didn't know where she was right now but she needed time without me; she wanted me to move out. Anna has an enormous burden of issues stretching right back into her childhood (she’s now early 40’s), she’d opened them up to me over the years and I knew how fragile she could be at times. She is, to most people, a bundle of energy, bold, confident and outgoing, she gets things done. But her fragility leads her to seek approval and praise from others, no matter how much her family and friends bestow love and praise upon her. About 18 months ago she became an associate governor at one of her daughter’s schools and joined the PTA of the other, soon taking up the chair. They loved her, the way she was, what she rallied them round to get done. I’d aired my concerns at whether she needed all of this on top of everything else but she wanted to take the roles on, so I supported her, all the time listening to her concerns, answering her questions and giving my support advice and all the time she fed from the praise and admiration she received from teachers, parents and other committee members. Just prior to our break up she was extremely down again following the untimely deaths of a couple of good friends and I knew she was struggling with the pressures of everything else too. So as I’ve said, she needed some space. She told the girls that we may be splitting and there were lots of tears. We agreed to keep things as normal as possible until the school summer holidays and sort something out then. I had my fingers crossed she’d be back on track by then and we could rekindle our flame. Something was different though, I could feel it. I asked her if there was someone else, she assured me no. But I couldn't settle, my gut reaction was strong. She became fixed to her mobile, texting, secret phone calls upstairs or down the garden, apparently a girlfriend of hers was having a rough time and needed to talk. But I knew that the girl who held my heart for safe keeping was looking me in the eye and telling me lies.

 

I felt sick to my stomach. By various means evidence gathered and I soon worked out that there was other male interest and it shocked me who. It was the head teacher of her youngest girls’ school. She’d always raved about how wonderful he was and I’d thought how lucky for us that he was at ‘our girls’ school but my estimation of him now plummeted. It made sense as to why she was always doing things for the school, making donations, assisting with school trips, choir events, dropping in. There was an ulterior motive. He’s older than Anna, by 15 years I’d guess and he’s retiring at the end of the current year. At the end of this year’s school fete, which Anna mostly organised (again with support, advice and assistance from me whenever needed), he gave a bit of a speech about his time at the school and how he was looking forward to a ‘new venture’. Anna stood beside him for they’d just drawn the raffle. She looked at me with a smile and winked. How that hurts me.

 

So that’s where I am today. Broken hearted and trying to hold myself together. I know Anna’s emotionally in a deep, dark place and I fear that he’s taking advantage of that. I sent him an e-mail, not threatening anything, just explaining how Anna’s emotional state has crashed and how he should reconsider what he’s doing, but he hasn’t replied. I’m certain he read it though. His wife is assistant head at another school but I have no idea how their relationship is although they have no doubt had their ups and downs as most couples do. But does she know? Is she planning to retire too? I don’t know. I want to contact her and let her know what’s going on but I’m afraid that it won’t help my cause. My heart is so battered and bruised right now that I don’t know what I'm going to do. I’m dreading the school holidays and they’re fast approaching...