5 yrs. I broke it off 4 wks ago. Just feeling it now?

[asdfasdf1234]

I needed to get this off my chest, and I don't really want to bother my friends or family with this, especially since I was the one who broke it off.

 

Where do I begin? We met when I was 21. She was with one of my friends before me, and he said that she kinda always had a thing for me. I thought it was kinda weird that he should not care if I date his ex GF of 1.5 years, but I had always thought she was attractive.

 

We were both incredibly attracted to one another. She is gorgeous, and after a few weeks I told her I loved her, before she said it to me. She was the first girl I had ever said this to, but I had only dated 4 - 5 girls before her (didn't even kiss a girl till I was 17... was a fat kid in high school and all of that). I was worried that she would be freaked out that I was too into her, but she wasn't. It was like I didn't need to play any games, and it felt so god damned good.

 

At the beginning, we were either very hot and heavy or fighting. We had some bad fights (not hitting bad just yelling), but always ended up making up. It was pretty bad, and a lot of my friends thought our relationship was sort of a joke. As the years went by, we fought less and less.

 

At year 2.5, I got into doing drugs (pills), and one day got caught in a lie. She broke up with me, and got with someone else pretty quickly-like maybe less than a week later. I have never been so crushed in my entire life. To this day I will never forget that hurt. It was worse than any physical pain I have ever felt. Knowing that she was with someone else, and the only girl I had ever loved could move on that quickly destroyed me.

 

Flash forward three months, I had quit doing pills, and was beginning to get over her. She came by one night, I honestly forget why but we started hanging out again and got back together. I had never been happier.

 

By year 3, we had moved in together, and strangely enough the more time we spent with each other, the better we got along. We were each others best friends. It was what I had always hoped for but was scared wouldn't happen, but it did. We fought occasionally, but not very often.

 

We ended up having to move about two hours away from our friends and family for her job. I work from home, so it wasn't a problem for me. We would stay the week in our new town, then go home on the weekends, where I would always go hang out with my friends, and she would go hang out with her family. That was one of the major differences between us; my free time was spent with my friends, hers with her family. I would usually end up drinking with my friends, and we would go out to bars/clubs every other weekend. I always took her, because I couldn't go without her, as she didn't want me at a bar/club by myself.

 

During the 6 months we lived in this new town, we began to grow apart. She worked all day, (12 hr shifts) and would come home exhausted and go to bed. On the weekends, we would go home together, but then go our separate ways (unless I went out to a bar in which case she would come). We got in an argument one weekend because she didn't want to go home and wanted to stay in the new town. I told her that I needed to get out of the apartment, as I work from home all week and it gets old being home all of the time. That started a huge fight, which we never really recovered from. We didn't speak for a good week and a half, and finally I said I'm done. She didn't fight it. She moved out, and I had to live in the new town for another month until our lease was up, then I moved back home. Right before I moved back home, we got back together. We hadn't cut off contact, and had still talked once every week or so as we were trying to settle our finances. I told her that if this happened, and we got back together, she would have to TRUST me. She would have to be okay with me going out with my friends without her. She reluctantly agreed.

 

I moved back home with one of my best friends who I had told repeatedly that I wouldn't get back together with my ex and even if I did I would still move in with him.

 

We started fighting about two weeks after we got back together. She was worried that there were always going to be girls at the new place I moved to, and that we would all be getting drunk and I might make a mistake. She also never felt comfortable with me going out without her. Well, four weeks into our rekindled romance, I broke it off again. It seemed like all we were doing is fighting, and I was just exhausted from it.

 

One of my criticisms of her was she didn't trust me. I never cheated on her. When I would go out with my friends, she would always want to know what other girls were there, were they good looking, etc. I guess I just didn't understand this, because I really loved her, and was attracted to her; not other girls. I mean, I honestly think she is one of the most beautiful women I have ever met...

 

Well, it is four weeks since I broke it off, and we haven't spoken a word, emailed or texted. I have felt fine-even great. I've met a few girls, but none of them compare to my ex-lookswise or personality. I went on a dating website, and low and behold I see my ex on there (I proceeded to immediately delete my profile). I don't really know how to feel about it. It is almost like the past month has been a dream, and this is telling me that it isn't. It's real. It happened. It is over, and you made this decision. I am scared that I am going to look back 5 years from now, and think I made a huge mistake. I have never felt the way I felt about a girl as I did my ex.

 

Anyone ever felt this way? Why did it not bother me when I broke it off, and it is just hitting me now? I don't know what to think. I feel this anxiety inside my chest. I can't cry, because I can't feel sorry for myself. I did this, and every time my eyes start to water my brain tells me you did this ****er, don't feel sorry for yourself.

[OPL86]

I feel like this happens to guys ALL THE TIME. They get so exasperated with the fighting and they feel like it's never going to get better and it's never going to work, so they just give up suddenly and break up with their girlfriend. And then, for the first couple weeks they feel so relieved from not fighting and think they made the right decision and they enjoy their guy time and not having to worry about anyone else. And then a couple weeks later, it hits them. Because FINALLY, after they cool off they realize, wait a second, now I don't have that person in my life at all? Maybe those problems that seemed insurmountable before, really aren't that bad? What if I've really lost her?

 

I feel like this literally happens all the time because guys don't think long-term like girls do. Their instinct is to just give up and end things. They just shut down. And the girl is always devastated because all she feels like they could work through the fighting, etc. And by the time the guy finally realizes what he's really done, usually the girl is to the point of moving on.

 

If you care that much, I would just try to win her back. I think people feel this way for a reason. Sometimes it takes really losing someone to realize how much they meant to you.

[asdfasdf1234]

I told her if I ever broke up with her again, it would be the last time. I can't go back on my word.

 

It's tough to read what you said, because in a way I feel like it is the truth. I just got sick of the fighting and just didn't want to deal with it.

 

It's been a month, and maybe she is moving on. In a way, I hope she is. I can't keep breaking up and getting back together. It wouldn't be fair to her.

 

I think if I still feel this way in a year, I might just drop her a letter. It'll say something like hey, if you're with someone I totally understand and don't even read on. If not, I do miss you, and I think I made a mistake.

 

Dammit. I don't really know what to do. I'm 26 and have only dated 5 - 6 girls in my life. Maybe I will meet someone else I feel that way about? I don't know. I honestly just don't know.

[OPL86]

I have heard this from so many of my guy friends. Just recently, I found out that this guy had broken up with his girlfriend because he was so convinced it was never going to work, he tried to cut her out of his life, didn't talk to her, didn't talk about her, went all back into the social scene, tried to enjoy himself, and now, 3 months later, he said he came to the realization - why am I doing this to myself when deep down I don't think I'll find anyone else who could ever compare to her? He said he would rather be with her through all of the bad times than with anyone else even in the best of times.

 

He has since tried to ask her to get back together and now the girl has unbelievable trust issues knowing he won't do it again - but you know what - people can get past trust issues. Yes, it can take some time. Yes, it requires a lot of patience. But, if you love someone, sometimes it is worth it.

 

Do what you want, but as a random outside opinion who admittedly doesn't know every single detail of your relationship, I sincerely think you should reconsider making the effort to get back together with her if you are feeling this way. So many guys I know have felt this way and it's ALWAYS been because in the moment they were just so frustrated with the fighting and they thought things would never get better. The girl often knows better and thinks more long-term and doesn't want to just end things when there's a solid chance you could work through any issues.

 

Yes it takes effort, but every relationship takes effort. People go through rough patches and sometimes it takes pushing the other person out of your life to realize how willing you are to put in the effort because not having that person in your life at all is so much worse than fighting - which doesn't have to go on forever.

[Phateless]

Wow, crazy story. I've been with my girl just over 2 years and I'm on the tipping point of staying or going, and I have no idea which road to take. I ended it a couple of weeks ago but got back together with her the next day. I think that was the wake up call she needed all this time to stop FIGHTING with me all the time.

 

How do I know if it will get better or if the fighting will go on forever?

 

asdfasdf1234, I think you should talk to her. The important thing is to work out your specific issues, not just get back together and "try again," because it will end the same way.

 

The two important questions to ask are:

 

1 - what broke you up?

2 - what SPECIFIC actions can the two of you take to prevent this from breaking you up again?

 

Why don't the two of you go into couples counseling and talk about it? That could provide some good insight on whether you can try again.

[asdfasdf1234]

Well, you know what I did think about that. The hardest part of all of this is we used to get along so freaking great, then we moved away from our family and friends, and began to grow apart. We just stopped spending time together. **** this is too much. I shouldn't have posted that because now I'm having doubts.

[asdfasdf1234]

Also, and I know this shouldn't matter but it does. I just feel like a d-bag for going back and forth so much. Moreso to my family and friends. I just feel like my word means nothing, and when I tell my family/friends it's done, this time for good - I just start to feel like a joke.

[Phateless]

Dude, you can't worry about all that - that's just nonsense that's cluttering up your decision-making process. Forget them, this is about YOU.

 

Her main issue is that she is SUPER-INSECURE and that is HER issue and HER responsibility to work on. Is she willing to do that?

[OPL86]

Phateless, I couldn't agree with you more - when you get back together or decide to try to stay together with the person as opposed to just breaking up with them - you have to really try to talk to the other person and get to the bottom of the issues - AND come up with a solution for the both of you.

 

If you can get each other into a calm place and be understanding that every couple fights, but there is a certain point where changes need to be made so that the amount of fighting is not overwhelming, then I really think you guys can talk things through. Maybe girls just have a more romantic view of things, but people get through tough times, and if you love someone enough, there's no reason you shouldn't be able to overcome whatever is causing you to fight - most likely it's because girls and guys think about things SO DIFFERENTLY. For example, a girls will get upset with her boyfriend about something - and he will take it her trying to blame him and like nothing he ever does is good enough and he feels exasperated - when probably all she really wanted was some reassurance, but she was asking it in a way that would be obvious to another girl, but not AT ALL to a guy.

 

 

I have a question - if your girlfriend texted you tomorrow or called you and said something like - I really think we're meant to be and you're just giving up on things because you don't think they can ever get better, but they can. How would that make you feel/think about the situation?

[OPL86]

It seems so obvious to me that your second thoughts and doubts are for a reason. Why would you ever let what your family thinks of your "word" get in the way of being with someone that you really love? You said so yourself, you guys used to get along so well. When people go through really stressful times in their lives, it tends to have a huge impact on their relationships and cause issues - but, you learn to work through them.

 

I can't speak for you - but I would NEVER let what my friends or family thought of my indecisiveness or wishy-washiness hold me back from trying to work things through with someone who deep down I was really missing.

 

As I said before - does it really make you happier to not have that person in your life at all than it does to be with that person and try to work through things?

 

Doesn't sound like it. At least not from what you've told me.

[asdfasdf1234]

OPL, I think you're right. I got fed up with arguing and just said screw it. Now that it has been a few weeks, I can see that that is what it was. I feel like a dumb ass.

 

Well, I just sent her a long, long e-mail. We'll see how it goes. I feel like a real ******* but it's my own fault. I hope she can understand. It's only been a month... and we were together 5 years. I would be pretty surprised if she never responds, but who knows. If she doesn't, it's my own fault... fml, lol

[OPL86]

It really is soo common, you'd be surprised. I think if most girls realized how frustrating and exasperating arguing is to their boyfriends, they'd try a lot harder not to - because most girls end up getting into arguments because they care so much about the boyfriend and the relationship and they DON'T want to break up.

 

Please follow-up about how it goes! Good luck!!!

[Phateless]

It really is soo common, you'd be surprised. I think if most girls realized how frustrating and exasperating arguing is to their boyfriends, they'd try a lot harder not to - because most girls end up getting into arguments because they care so much about the boyfriend and the relationship and they DON'T want to break up.

 

Please follow-up about how it goes! Good luck!!!

 

I broke up with my gf over this, but then panicked and got back together with her the next day. I think she finally realizes just how seriously damaging it is to be fighting with me over STUPID SH*T all the time.

 

I'm still exhausted and not sure I want to hang in there. Every time we have to talk about any kind of tiny relationship issue she is just so stressful to deal with. Ugh.

[OPL86]

It's like a vicious cycle. My guess is your girlfriend is like most girls and she feels insecure about things and is looking for reassurance, but when she comes to you about stuff and it turns into an argument, it just stresses you out and pushes you away more, and because she picks up on that, she gets even more insecure about things - and it goes on and on.

 

You're exhausted, but I seriously encourage you to try to be the one to change the cycle. Take some space for yourself, but at the same time, try to reassure her about your desire to make the relationship work. I know you probably don't really feel like being very reassuring - but you would be SO SURPRISED what a difference it makes.

 

Honestly - you might have only lasted one day, but I can almost guarantee you that if you and your girlfriend have another couple fights and you snap, you'll be feeling relieved at first because it's just been building lately, but in time you'd probably end up feeling like not having her at all feels so much worse than the stress of trying to get through a rough patch.

 

Hope that makes sense.

[Phateless]

It's like a vicious cycle. My guess is your girlfriend is like most girls and she feels insecure about things and is looking for reassurance, but when she comes to you about stuff and it turns into an argument, it just stresses you out and pushes you away more, and because she picks up on that, she gets even more insecure about things - and it goes on and on.

 

You're exhausted, but I seriously encourage you to try to be the one to change the cycle. Take some space for yourself, but at the same time, try to reassure her about your desire to make the relationship work. I know you probably don't really feel like being very reassuring - but you would be SO SURPRISED what a difference it makes.

 

Honestly - you might have only lasted one day, but I can almost guarantee you that if you and your girlfriend have another couple fights and you snap, you'll be feeling relieved at first because it's just been building lately, but in time you'd probably end up feeling like not having her at all feels so much worse than the stress of trying to get through a rough patch.

 

Hope that makes sense.

 

It does, but I've been going back and forth over this in my head for a year and a half. Tonight she was all worried that I might become a stoner, since a new roommate is a stoner. We argued for a solid hour, maybe more.

 

I don't even smoke weed!

[OPL86]

Phateless, I have a question because I'm really interested on your perspective. Let's say you did break up with her and initially you felt the decision was the right one - you missed her a lot, but you just felt relieved from the fighting. If, in time, you started to miss her more and more and you started thinking that maybe you made a mistake or at least, not having her in your life at all was harder than you thought it would be - how would you feel if she emailed you or something and said she still loved you and wanted to work through things? Do you think that might make you change your mind or push you away further?

 

ON THE OTHER HAND, let's say she never contacts you (well my guess is she'd freak out the first 2 weeks, but then she'd stop altogether), if you realized maybe you made a mistake, would your pride get in the way of you going back to her?

 

It does, but I've been going back and forth over this in my head for a year and a half.

 

 

That's tough since you've been thinking about it for so long, but it really sounds like your girlfriend is just feeling insecure about things for some reason. She probably senses you're having second thoughts so it's making her kind of pick apart everything. From the outside looking in, it seems so obvious that "all you need to do" is just take a step back from the situation and say - "why are we fighting about this!? i love you and i don't want to lose you" - but I understand it reallllly isn't that easy - especially not when you're emotionally involved.

[asdfasdf1234]

Just wanted to give you guys an update.

 

So, she sent me an e-mail back about an hour and a half later. I deleted it, but it went something like this:

 

"I can't think of a more horrible thing to do to someone than what you did to me. You left me crying in your driveway. I have been in a very dark place for the past few weeks, and am just starting to feel better. I know I will always love you but I cannot talk to you or have you in my life right now."

 

Or something like that... honestly, I'm not surprised. I feel like a major a-hole, but I almost feel a little relief. I feel horrible for making someone that I do love feel that way. I honestly thought it was for the best to just cut off all contact. In retrospect, I probably should have known better and not sent that e-mail.

 

Well... you live, you learn.

[Phateless]

Phateless, I have a question because I'm really interested on your perspective. Let's say you did break up with her and initially you felt the decision was the right one - you missed her a lot, but you just felt relieved from the fighting. If, in time, you started to miss her more and more and you started thinking that maybe you made a mistake or at least, not having her in your life at all was harder than you thought it would be - how would you feel if she emailed you or something and said she still loved you and wanted to work through things? Do you think that might make you change your mind or push you away further?

 

I would definitely want to have the conversation with her. I would openly and honestly tell her my reasons for leaving, my reasons for wanting her back, and my fears about getting back with her. Mainly, what would have changed that would make it work now when it hasn't before?

 

I would want to discuss it with her.

 

ON THE OTHER HAND, let's say she never contacts you (well my guess is she'd freak out the first 2 weeks, but then she'd stop altogether), if you realized maybe you made a mistake, would your pride get in the way of you going back to her?

Pride? No. Fear of changing my mind back and forth again might make me hesitate and think on it though. Other people are prideful and stupid, however, but I try not to let pride get in my way.

 

That's tough since you've been thinking about it for so long, but it really sounds like your girlfriend is just feeling insecure about things for some reason. She probably senses you're having second thoughts so it's making her kind of pick apart everything. From the outside looking in, it seems so obvious that "all you need to do" is just take a step back from the situation and say - "why are we fighting about this!? i love you and i don't want to lose you" - but I understand it reallllly isn't that easy - especially not when you're emotionally involved.

We've done that 1000 times. All the fighting started in the first place because I was being insecure (though I got over that 1.5 years ago), and she was being insecure because I didn't want to live together yet, and she was being bitchy, sarcastic, volatile, reactive, and generally impossible. Things have improved DRAMATICALLY, but she's still a lot of work.

 

Last night she argued with me for 1.5 hours because she was worried I'd become a pot-head when my new roomie moves in. I don't even smoke weed!

Edited June 9, 2010 by Phateless

[OPL86]

asdfasd - why are you so discouraged by her response? she'd probably be pretty desperate and frankly, pretty pathetic if she took you back with open arms after one email from you after you broke up with her, etc. she's hurt because she loved you a lot and she feels like you gave up on her and these last four weeks she's been devastated, constantly wondering, how could he be happier not having me in his life at all? it's like he never cared about me, missed me, etc. if you really wanted to get back together with her - i would think you would try harder than just an email, you know? but, then again, maybe you really don't want the relationship right now?

 

Phateless - thanks for the response. veryy interesting. i'm glad to hear things are getting better even if it's still tough. hope i can put a link in here - maybe you and your girlfriend can find some common ground through this and figure some stuff out?

 

http://marsvenusliving.com/marriage-commitment/when-women-fight/

 

http://marsvenusliving.com/marriage-commitment/mistakes-men-make/

[S.Tee]

Hi all,

 

I just can't help but notice that you were lucky to have a GF that really cares, she is not only wants to be with all the time (to bars etc) bt she also spends her weekends with her family.

 

You cannot find a perfect GF, and to think that most issues in these forum are about your partner cheating, having weird characters, etc, your GF is just find man. Yes, understand you need some time out as well, but hey, love need sacrifice. Try to reconcile, maybe limit spending time with your friends, not to get drunk every weekend or so, coz she is feeling something missing & always afraid of losing you. Lets face it, heavy drinking always tends to make us do stupid things.

 

I would suggest both of you need time to talk more in depth, let her understand that cheating on her is the last thing you would do. Do not get the perception that she might be with someone else or you cannot trn back on your words. These are just emotional thinking, she might also waiting for you right now to call her.

 

Go get her tiger!

[Phateless]

asdfasd - why are you so discouraged by her response? she'd probably be pretty desperate and frankly, pretty pathetic if she took you back with open arms after one email from you after you broke up with her, etc. she's hurt because she loved you a lot and she feels like you gave up on her and these last four weeks she's been devastated, constantly wondering, how could he be happier not having me in his life at all? it's like he never cared about me, missed me, etc. if you really wanted to get back together with her - i would think you would try harder than just an email, you know? but, then again, maybe you really don't want the relationship right now?

 

Phateless - thanks for the response. veryy interesting. i'm glad to hear things are getting better even if it's still tough. hope i can put a link in here - maybe you and your girlfriend can find some common ground through this and figure some stuff out?

 

http://marsvenusliving.com/marriage-commitment/when-women-fight/

 

http://marsvenusliving.com/marriage-commitment/mistakes-men-make/

 

Thank you very much for those links, I will read through them. Honestly, the fighting thing is a lot better for now, it's the irrational things she chooses to bring up for long discussions. They wear me out.

 

Hi all,

 

I just can't help but notice that you were lucky to have a GF that really cares, she is not only wants to be with all the time (to bars etc) bt she also spends her weekends with her family.

 

You cannot find a perfect GF, and to think that most issues in these forum are about your partner cheating, having weird characters, etc, your GF is just find man. Yes, understand you need some time out as well, but hey, love need sacrifice. Try to reconcile, maybe limit spending time with your friends, not to get drunk every weekend or so, coz she is feeling something missing & always afraid of losing you. Lets face it, heavy drinking always tends to make us do stupid things.

 

I would suggest both of you need time to talk more in depth, let her understand that cheating on her is the last thing you would do. Do not get the perception that she might be with someone else or you cannot trn back on your words. These are just emotional thinking, she might also waiting for you right now to call her.

 

Go get her tiger!

 

Do you honestly think he hasn't told her all of that a million times?!

 

The problem is that she doesn't believe him. He has given her no reason to be afraid of losing him, yet she was insecure anyway and it wore him out. HER insecurities are not HIS fault. Make sense?

[asdfasdf1234]

I'll give you the readers digest version.

 

Ever since I posted my original post in June I have been contacting my ex every 2 - 3 months. In the e-mail I express how I think I made a mistake, and I still love her. This is really how I feel. I have never felt anything close to anyone like I feel with her. We were together 5 years, and it is like I know everything about her. My favorite things are the things that might bother other people, but I find the endearing. I truly do feel like I made a horrible mistake, but I must say this: I wasn't 100% sure that she was the girl I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. After getting on the dating seen for a while, and meeting lots of girls, I know for 100% certainty she is. I never dated in HS and most of college. She was pretty much my first serious GF, and the only girl I've ever said "I love you" to.

 

We have both been seeing other people. I dated a girl for four months from August - December and I broke it off as I felt bad because she loved me, and I just didn't feel the same way. My ex saw a guy pretty much starting a month after we broke, and continued until she broke it off the beginning of January (about 7 months).

 

Apparently, they were off and on; breaking up with each other every few weeks. She said that he felt pretty insecure because he could tell that she still loved me (she said this in a letter to my mom, I believe it was "how can I love him with only half a heart" - referring to the guy she was with).

 

We started hanging out on January 15th, and have been talking everyday and seeing each other a couple times a week (she is really busy with nursing and school).

 

So anyways what is weird is we haven't kissed yet. She says she just wants to be friends for now. The strange thing is we constantly talk about the future (i.e. trips we will make, buying a house together - pretty much all of the **** we dreamed of doing together). She even spent the night last night in my bed... but we didn't do anything. This is all very strange for me.

 

I will say this however: she is very unpromiscuous. That is one of the qualities I like in her. She only slept with this other guy when we were apart. To her, sex is HUGE. She cannot have sex with someone without her totally in a sense giving herself to them. Unemotional sex? NEVER (unless she is really drunk probably but she hardly EVER drinks). So I think this might have something to do with it.

 

I am going to continue to hang out w/ her and spend as much time w/her as I can. I just worry that for some reason this won't go anywhere. I mean, it's really weird we haven't even kissed yet! However, we speak about our future plans, going to Europe, what kind of a house we would like to buy...

 

What do you guys think? Help a brother out! I am trying to sort this all out... but I'm guessing it will just take time.

 

In the back of my mind I think the only thing it could be is the fact I broke up with her. I told her it was a HUGE mistake, and apologized 3 weeks later. I have also told her I wanted to be 1000000% sure I wanted to spend the rest of my life with her - and now I am.

 

Thank you for anyone that takes the time to read this and reply - I appreciate it more than you know. All opinions are fully welcome.

 

Thanks again,

Confused