Is it realistic?

[bibi]

I just figured I could use some advice

 

It's been four days of hell. We've broken up our relationship, although I'm working under the hope it's a break. I kinda need that to cope.

 

When we met, we both were recently separated from our ex-spouses. It was so easy. We actually just started living together.

 

John and I found comfort for each other. Had amazing silly dates, fun, holding hands, passion and smiles.

 

I had come out of a very abusive marriage 9 months earlier. Being free from that prison, and loosing 50 pounds, had been very good for my happiness level. I was a big happy kid.

 

My divorce was simple....no kids, no assets, no lawyer. I wanted nothing from the ex anyways.

 

We've been together for 2.5 years (don't want to use the past tense) and through the course of the relationship with this awesome man, I slid back to a depressive state.

 

John is now going through his divorce... it's taking it's toll. The sense of relief he expected is not there, he's feeling a lot of anxiety about the financial aspects. He's already gave her everything (for the kids!).

 

I'll admit I'm depressed. I've got a lot of issues I guess I never dealt with in my past marriage. I'm now seeing a shrink.

 

With what John being going through he's emotionally drained. I've also worn him out.

 

So we've broken up, and he's started moving stuff out. Haven't managed to get much sleep. If I wasn't a nut case before... (just kidding)

 

He says that he cares for me so much and that I'm really such an awesome chick but that I really need to get help for myself, be selfish and work with the shrink to get better.

I know he is right, I want that for myself too.

 

Being abandoned though, the house empty, ugh!

Not knowing if this is a break or break up. Fear of not being part of his family (I love those boys dearly!). Wishing...regretting...crying.

 

He's checking in on me, asking if I've slept, eaten, etc.

 

Right now he says that he can't see me for a few days. He doesn't want to hurt me more than already.

 

Is it realistic to think we have a chance of getting back together again after I work on my depression and get back to my old self in a few months?

 

Thanks for listening

[Carly]

Hi,

 

Your problem does indeed sound complicated, and it seems very sincere.

 

It sounds to me like this man truly does care about you. But by moving his stuff out, it also sounds like he is breaking off with you.

 

Maybe you'll just have to come to terms with the fact that he still cares about you, but he doesn't want to be romantically tied to you.

 

Could you allow for him to be totally up front with you? How about asking him straight up:

 

"Look John, I can see that you still care for me, and that means a lot to me. I can also see that you want to break up with me. That hurts, but I can accept that. Could you do me one last favor to show that you care, and tell me in plain and simple terms why you want to break off with me. Whatever you say to me, I promise that I won't argue, become emotional or try to make you feel bad. I would just like an honest answer, so that I can understand this and move on."

 

Good luck.

[EnigmaXOXO]

Hi Bibi.

 

Of course, there is always a “chance.” Perhaps, when the two of you have had adequate time to deal with your personal issues and exorcize your inner demons. Just because we may want a relationship, doesn’t always mean we are truly ready for one.

 

Perhaps this was a rebound for both of you, brought together by timing and similar circumstances. And while you may have been very happy during those 9 months between your divorce and meeting John, it is so easy to fall back into our old behavior patterns. We tend to get comfortable and complacent, and by setting up house with John, maybe you unknowingly recreated an environment which was too similar to the one you just left. Perhaps you even lost sight of those things that made you happy---stopped doing what ever it was you were doing---and focused all your energy once again on pleasing your partner rather than yourself.

 

Yeap…old habits sure die hard.

 

It’s never too late to pick yourself up and start over. Once you get “Bibi” back and discover your joy again, love and happiness will find its way back to you whether it’s with John or someone else. And when it does, don’t stop doing those things which truly make you feel happy, whole and alive. After all, that’s the person John was attracted to in the first place.

 

If we do not learn from life’s lessons, then we are doomed to repeat them time and time again…