Katnaps Posted June 6, 2003 Share Posted June 6, 2003 I have been dating the same guy on and off since I was 16. We got engaged in 2001. Still no date. He became a Chicago Police Oficer in 2000 and every year gets worse. He has changed in every way and I don't know if it is the job or our relationship. He is very angry and has no emotion. I always have to figure him out. He talks to more females then males and lies to me. He expects me not to ask questions or be concerned. We fight at least 3 times a week. I don't trust him. I am having a hard time moving on. He is all I know. I am scared. I love him very much but I can't live like this. Please help me Link to post Share on other sites
Tony T Posted June 6, 2003 Share Posted June 6, 2003 YOU WRITE: "I love him very much but I can't live like this." WRONG!!! You love the person he used to be. Many people aren't able to handle careers as police officers without changing dramatically. There are good reasons. First, they see the scum and grime of life on a daily basis. They have to arrest the lowest forms of stinking humanity, see the very worst of human life, and observe shocking and horrendous circumstances almost every single day. They also live with the constant knowledge that each minute could be their last...they carry guns and can be engaged by bad guys at anytime. If you want just a lite taste of what they go through, watch COPS on the FOX network. There are lots of women who love men in uniform. They represent strength, protection, authority, financial stability and a nice retirement. Officers who aren't used to the attention of many females begin to enjoy it and often have affairs. Their fluctuating schedules, evenings, days and midnight shifts, make their homelife/lovelife quite chaotic. The stress and anger which build up because they can't beat the hell out of a lot of people they would love to is taken home and taken out or displaced on the people closest to them. Most larger police departments have on-staff psychologists to help officers deal with these kinds of matters. I think you must talk to your guy and see where he wants to go with this. Now, understand, many officers don't respond the same way...and many change for the better once they make lieutenant, captain, or move on to less chaotic detective work or desk jobs. But as long as your guy is a street cop, unless he is able to achieve better coping skills, he is likely to stay the same or become worse. The fights you have are only a displacement of the anger and frustration from his job. Being understanding of why he is the way he is is no reason to stay with him. Your life could be hell, even with this understanding. If things don't change quickly with councelling, my recommendation is to move on to somebody who doesn't have such a stressful and rigorous job. NOTE: I want to emphasize that all police officers are different in the way they respond to the rigors of their occupation....but most do experience heightened stress and behavior changes in various forms. Link to post Share on other sites
daisywindmill Posted June 6, 2003 Share Posted June 6, 2003 Tony, my fella is a police officer and I have to say that he has said many of the same things that you have just pointed out. He deals with the most awful side of society, in fact many of us will never come across or even begin to imagine some of the things they do and he told me, long ago, that he does find it hard to express his emotions, due to the job (he has been in it for twenty years) He is not a cold person, in fact the opposite, but he does not look at the world through rosy coloured spectacles and things that may be a big deal to us are nothing to him. He does not sleep well either. He will be up from his bed at least once during the night. He has began to talk to me more about his work, I think it helps him, but I do know there will be some things he will never ever tell me and I respect this, as it is done for my protection. I do worry about him sometimes (he was shot in the leg a few years ago) And yes, it's not easy due to shift patterns and the demands of the job, but I am here for him through it all and I think knowing that helps he cope too. I also know that he loves to hear about the daily ordinary things as that can be light relief from him. It can be hard being partner to a man in uniform (I'm an old hand at it as my ex husband was a submariner lol) and not every woman (or man) can cope with it as basically it is not a "normal" way of life. Link to post Share on other sites
NEONINK Posted June 6, 2003 Share Posted June 6, 2003 When the pain hurts more than the solution... When the hurt overcomes the fear.... You'll do something about it. Link to post Share on other sites
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