Raaaaaant--about stupid kids like me and the stupid kids we fall in love with.

[annxxdisaster]

Input is welcomed and loved!

But... I just really need to rant about young boys, stupid relationships, and even more stupid reasons why boys like to end relationships with me.

 

In April 2009, my very first serious relationship ended. He was 6 year my senior, worked as a mechanic, and was my very first love. Looking back on it now, I wallowed in it's wake for far too long and when it ended, I think we both were asking for it to be over for a while--it just took one blow out for it to happen. I kept trying to, well, basically force a second chance on him. He strung me along for about a month and FINALLY I came to my senses and accepted the fact that there wasn't any way in hell that he wanted to get back with me.

 

Well... a month into getting over this break up I came back to my hometown to party it up with my best friend and forget about all the troubles I was having. I ended up meeting a boy at a party, another mechanic (ahahaa....), and just one year my senior. When we exchanged numbers, I didn't think anything of it. When we met up at a bon fire the next day, I didn't think anything of it. When he texted me asking if I wanted to get breakfast Sunday before we went to Chicago for the weekend, I didn't think anything of it. I flirted shamelessly with him for months, all the while trying to works things out with my ex.

 

I knew this boy liked me a lot but I was a big city girl and way to cool to be in an LDR with some jerk mechanic from my hometown! I would eat that later. He had invited me up to a very small, very informal wedding in August. We had been texting each other nonstop since May, I knew a lot of people whom were going to be attending the wedding and I really felt like I could trust him (as far as my safety goes). He drove 3 hours to get me after working the Friday before the wedding and then 3 hours back home. We got a hotel room (he lives with his mom still, and I felt a little awkward going to mom's house when neither of us knew how this would go). We never went to the wedding but it was an amazing weekend. He was shy and sweet, and drove 12 hours total just to spend the weekend with me (he even held my hand the whole way back to dropping me off at home).

 

I spent that weekend with him just to see if I could get over/was over my ex. After that weekend with him, I never thought about my ex again. It was honestly amazing. Things progressed nicely from there. However, in October he had some issues pop up with the distance. He said he haaated it and that whenever we were apart and he knew he couldn't see me for a week he would get depressed. I was sitting three hours away feeling completely helpless. Our fun, loving, and excited to be together relationship was gone... via texting anyway. Whenever we were together in person we were both happy, content, you could almost get sick from all the love oozing out of our pores.

 

But... whenever we were away we'd have small arguments about being apart. When I argue, I have a tendency to want to push and push until we can get to an agreement and I need to know that we're done fighting/okay with each other as soon as I'm done being upset. When he was upset, he was upset for a while and needed to be left alone. A lot of the time I had a really, really hard time giving that to him. We had a really good talk about it in November, and settled it.

 

For an early Thanksgiving we went to Chicago to visit his family, we had talked about going to my place after all the festivities for a while so we could spend a few hours alone before he went home. The day we were supposed to be leaving for Milwaukee (my home) he texted me (he was on a donut run) if it would be okay if he went home right away instead of hanging out.

 

Commence passive-aggressive PMSing bitch mode (I seriously had my period, I was hormonal okay!)! I don't remember how that conversation all played out, but I remember I was ****ing pissed off. The ride from Chicago to Milwaukee was mostly silent. I would try to talk about it, okay argue, and he would tell me not now and then insert some random angry comments about how he's way more adult than I am and other stuff. We sit in front of my house for an hour, talk about stuff, and then we left. I texted him something, and then he turned around, came back to my house to "pee", and then we cuddled and both of us cried and he told me how much he never wanted to lose me.

 

Thanksgiving with my family came and went. Another little spat about me coming to visit him the weekend after. That Monday, "we have to talk."

 

He said the spark was gone. He said that he purposely distanced himself from me emotionally to kill the spark because it hurt way too much to be away from me. He said that he was too busy to give me the time I deserved. He said that he kept himself that busy on purpose to keep his mind off the the pain he felt from when he was away from me. Then he said he wanted to re-try it, take it slow. I was upset. Pissed. I didn't want to re-try, I wanted my boyfriend back!

 

More angry conversations, some happy and light ones, then on Wednesday he said he didn't love me as much anymore, ouch. Stupid and upset I said I didn't love him anymore either (that was a lie). Some more texts, awkward parting. The next morning, I thought we were re-trying us he thought we weren't. Some more texting. We were re-trying it again. I wanted to see him this weekend, to sort it out in person. He wanted it for himself.

 

The next week, it all of a sudden clicks to him that he doesn't want a relationship with anyone anymore. He just wants "me time". He doesn't want to have to care about someone else. I'm pissed, hurt, confused, all of that. He said he didn't like me as anything more than a friend. He let me tell him how much I hated him for this and that. He told me that he didn't deserve me, that I diverged from my chosen path of life when I met him, that he was just some average joe mechanic and I was going to school to be a psychologist--he just wasn't enough for me. BS, BS, BS. He said he was hurt knowing he hurt me this much.

 

We kept texting a bit for the next week. Finally, I came home for break. He was drunk and high (smoking weed was something he NEVER did before then, and he swore off drinking hard liquor for YEARS...I was surprised) at a party I was planning to go to, we tried to meet up, it didn't work out. The next day we were gonna try to hang out. At some point, he decided that it was going to be too awkward if we did that. Why, since we were just friends he wouldn't be able to kick back with his arm around me and instead we'd be sitting there watching a movie like well...his friends. Later he texted me saying that he couldn't see me because he knew he still had feelings more me and he knew that if he ever saw me in person that he would try to rekindle our relationship and it just wasn't fair to either of us because he just didn't want a relationship.

 

It is honest, stupid, and it still just hurts. I'm frisky, a few days later we agree to meet up for a night of FWB fun. A few hours before we were supposed to he said he couldn't do that to me, he'd feel too bad about it. It hurt, but it showed me how much respect he had for me and how little I had for him because no matter what... I just wasn't leaving him alone.

 

Of course I still make the stupid mistakes of freaking out and texting him all angry then apologizing, then we talk for a bit, then he tells me all he wants is for everyone in the world to leave him alone and all he wants to do is watch motorcycle racing and lift weights. I don't take that well. He's ignored me since. I have been doing the same to him.

 

Oh yes--he also "stacks" some testosterone boosters (from what I have read about them, it's as close as you can get to legal steroids) that make him one moody ****ing bastard and doesn't eat. He's really crabby, trust me. And his dear friends have all told me that they were surprised he even dated me, because from the years they've known him (about 7 or 8) he's never had a real relationship--more FWB than anything.

 

Okay, it's long and I think I just more or less explained what I'm going through. Whenever I have explained this to someone or started to type it out--the whole story (mostly the ending) is just so... age appropriate and it makes me sick... we both were stupid and young through out all of this. It really upsets me because I know we both really loved each other and loved being by each other and were very, very compatible. It just feels like for stupid reasons we're both cheating ourselves out of something amazing we could have shared for years and years. I'm fed up with being 20/21. I'm ready to be 30. Life better be amazing when I'm 30. :|

[annxxdisaster]

Also.. if someone could explain to me why boys become depressive little you-know-what's when they have to put their toys (i.e. motorcycles) away for a few months/the winter season? :|