I just need a place to write down my thoughts and feelings... so here I am

[gaura]

This posting is really a place for me to tell my story and be heard. I’m not so much looking for advice, as much as a place to put down my thoughts…

 

This is my first day on this website, and I am amazed by how many people are also experiencing the pain and sadness that I am after my recent breakup with my boyfriend. Like many of you, I am grappling with the thought that he isn’t the right person for me. But I am fighting this because I so want so badly to believe that he IS the right person and that we are meant for each other. I just cannot believe, after three years, it is over. He finally said to me, through text message, “I don’t want to be in this relationship anymore.” What I thought was just a statement made out of anger became very real. He later said that it was time to go our separate ways, and that as much as he wanted this to work, it won’t. He has tried (and I know he tried a great deal), but in the end, he feels that I am not the right person for him because we are too different… and these differences have caused a rift in the relationship. To him, our personalities do not mesh, and our life goals, career paths, aspirations, interests and expectations do not align. After the three years he invested in the relationship, he has finally freed himself from me - regrettably the person who had been bringing him down and stifling his personality and happiness. I don’t what happened to me along the way that made me do this, but I did. I contributed greatly to his unhappiness and for this I feel terribly.

 

What I find most upsetting about his decision to leave me, and what I can’t seem to forgive myself for, are the perceived differences between us. Unfortunately, I see where he is coming from based upon my lack of passion, interest and desire to do anything. Looking at that alone, you would see that I was not giving much to the relationship. Thus, it would seem to him and others that I had no interest in him whatsoever. I am sorry that I’ve done this to him, because this is anything but true. The person who he has found me to be through the latter part of our relationship is someone who he cannot see himself with (I don’t blame him), but what makes me sad is that “that person” is not inherently me. That may sound odd, but it is so very true. I am sad because when he met me, I was my “true self,” then along the way, I become someone else – someone very different than who I am (and know that I can be again). Who is my “true self?” I will tell you… I used to be so happy, care-free, fun, and excited about the things around me. I had a contagious laugh and people always told me that whenever I walked into the room, the light would brighten. I had many goals for myself and many things to look forward to. THAT person is who I was when he met me. THAT person is in me somewhere. And THAT person is who I need to find again.

 

I don’t know what happened to me over the past two years, but I have fallen into a hole that’s been difficult to emerge from. I regrettably have lost touch with the important things in my life – my passions, my true interests, my friends, my aspirations, my energy, my fun-loving nature, and most importantly, him. I believe the girl that he met and fell in love with still exists, but she has remained dormant for too long. There are many things that I believe have contributed to my personal demise, one of them being the job I took two years ago. After graduate school, I found a wonderful job, but I had to move about an hour away from him. Meanwhile, he was laid off two times and finally found his last job which was also far away from me. Because of the nature and schedule of our jobs, and the geographical distance between us, we really could only see each other on weekends. Then it got to the point where I was too busy having to work on the weekends, too overwhelmed, and too exhausted to want to do much of anything. It became such a habit that I got stuck in that mode, not even realizing how our relationship was falling apart. I can’t believe how clueless I was!!! I was so self-absorbed in everything happening with my job that I let our relationship go. I neglected him, never with the intention of doing so. My love and affection for him was always within me, but my actions did reflect those feelings. Oh how badly that must have hurt him! My heart aches just knowing that I caused him so much unhappiness. I ache because I love him dearly and REALLY wanted him to be happy with me. He was so excited about spending a future together and we talked about it all the time, but I was so emotionally unavailable that it became too exhausting for him to continue fighting for us. Now, after this breakup, I have awakened, but too late to make a difference in our relationship. Now I want to fight for us; I want to show him I am the person that I lost, and that I can be the person he met. I am dying inside because I feel as though I ruined the best thing in my life, that my future is gone, that I will never forgive myself, and that I will never get back on my feet. This is making me crazy.

 

Then it occurred to me two days ago in my therapy session, that there may be an underlying reason why I acted the ways that I did; why there was such a disconnect between my feelings and actions. Everything I have described above is symptomatic of depression. I feel like the biggest idiot for not even realizing it after all this time! I've had a history of clinical depression where things have felt so bleak, hopeless, etc., and he has been well aware of these issues and always so supportive. But neither of us caught this one. This depression was not that severe (i.e. no suicidal ideation); rather my issues were subtle and gradual, but very hurtful to him nonetheless – my lack of affection and interest in dong things that I used to love to do, my lack of desire to do anything on the weekends except to relax, my lack of sexual desire, my unwillingness to go beyond my comfort zone. I am so angry with myself for not realizing this was happening. I was killing him inside and I had no clue that I could have been working on treating my depression all along (I had stopped going to therapy because I thought I was doing just fine. Starting yesterday, I am now taking an antidepressant). If I caught this much sooner, like two years ago, I truly believe things would have worked. We would be engaged, possibly married by now. We would be in that place where we both had looked so forward to being.

 

So that’s the story of how the relationship fell apart; now for the post-breakup. I did not anticipate how fragile I would be until he broke it off. Through the many difficult times in my life, I have gained inner strength which has helped me through a number of challenging situations. Over the past few years, he would even comment on how strong I was and how much he admired this strength. That strength is nowhere to be found right now. This breakup was so sudden to me, that I immediately fell apart. I stopped going to work because when I was there, I would start crying, and would have to shut my office door. Clearly, I was not productive there. I stopped eating. I would just curl up in my bed with the covers over my head to avoid any light. I would take so much Ativan each day to numb the pain. Though I was not suicidal (meaning I did not have intentions on actually killing myself), I wanted more than anything to be dead because that would mean the pain would go away. I was not in a safe place so I went home to my parent’s house for the time being. I intend on returning to work on Monday.

 

I have become quite embarrassed by lack of strength and coping skills. All I want to do is talk to him but he has adamantly requested his space. That breaks my heart and has made me act crazy… like call and email him incessantly (which after a very angry email to me, I have stopped). Wake up! You need to get a grip and stop yourself. It's so hard though. I want to be respectful of him and give him the space he wants and to let him do whatever it is he needs to do to find happiness in life, but it hurts so much to let him go because I know that happiness will not include me. Yes, very selfish on my part… I know. I can’t stand the way my thoughts are right now.

 

The pathetic part of me is inclined to wait for that moment when he does decide to contact me (he said he would when he is ready), where I have this slim hope that he will realize that things can work out. But as painful as it is, reality is setting in. His words to me are loud and clear: “We are over and we now need to go our separate ways.” My heart aches and I cry when I see these words, but I am coming to grips with the finality of the situation. I guess this is my first step in moving forward… acceptance of this loss. With the support and encouragement of family and friends, I am trying to push the pain to one side so that I can begin moving the other way. (Deep breath here, because this is a lot to do). My first step was last night though; I blocked him from my gmail chat list. I liked having him on there because I could "see" him, but that only made me feel worse. So he is blocked and I hope I can manage to keep it that way.

 

I can only imagine the thoughts going through your heads as you read this story of mine. You must be thinking, "get a grip; just control yourself; stop being so pathetic, self-absorbed, self-destructive, and weak." He emailed these very words to me a few days ago. You know what? I completely agree. I just don't know how to step out of it and move on. I want to, I’m struggling though.

 

I see my therapist again tomorrow night, and I’m looking forward to his words of wisdom, which he has plenty of!

 

I'm not sure what I’m looking for as I write this post. I’m not really asking for help. I think I just need to write and finally release all of these emotions. I need to say to someone that I feel awful for what I’ve done, for how I let my relationship go to pieces, for how I hurt him and made him so unhappy. I’ve shared these feelings with him through email because he is not ready to actually see me, but it is all too late at this point. The fight within him is gone. And I don’t blame him. I wish I could just take it back.

 

I hope others don’t make the mistakes that I have. If I could go back three years ago, I would have done things so much differently. I guess my goals right now are not to get him back (though I would love it if he would give me another chance), but rather to forgive myself and to work on lifting this damn depression that has stifled my personality for all too long.

 

Thanks for reading. I appreciate it.

Edited November 27, 2009 by gaura

[JaggedRoad]

You're not alone. I fell into depression as well, and it really affected my behavior toward my ex and the relationship. I could have gone to the counselor at my school, but that didn't even cross my mind at the time.

 

It sucks when you know that you could have done things to save the relationship (and yourself), but that's life.

 

I hope you find peace with yourself =)

[GrayClouds]

When you fall into depression, you can tell your there so do not be hard on yourself.

 

It takes a very good person to be able to stand with someone suffering from it, not everyone can. The good news is after the hurt of the break up is over, and you have healed, you will be more aware the effect of depression within yourself and can find go out an find the very good person who will be able to stand with you if it ever comes again.

[gaura]

Thank you both your understanding and encouragement. Since my last post, I've tried to occupy myself with good friends who I haven't seen in ages. Everyone has been helpful, and they have helped me step back and take a better look at what happened. I'm starting to realize that I am not the only person responsible for our failed relationship. I can't keep taking on all the responsibility, and blaming myself for his unhappiness. He has many issues of his own that he also needs to work on. I have been so focused on what I may have done wrong that I forgot there are many problems in his life that do not involve me. Now, I am reminded of how hurtful he could be, how he would project his anger on to me, and tell me that his unhappiness was because of me... that I was the person to bring him down. No, there was more at hand, and this is something that he must work on before he finds happiness in the other parts of his life (particularly his career).

 

I love him dearly and want him to be happy. I miss him terribly since there has been no contact whatsover. However, I feel more at ease right now about the break up. But, this is today. I will have to take it day by day. Who knows, I could wake up tomorrow in tears. I have hope though (not about him taking me back), but about my future. I have to thank my friends for helping me see that I have many wonderful qualities, regardless of my depression, and that my life is not defined by him, or any other person for that matter. This is all easy to say, but it's going to take a lot more time to fully believe all this. I'm working on this...

 

Thanks again for reading.

[XKatieX]

Gaura- I've been going through many off and on days too. And I too have been taking most of the blame for the relationship, not really realizing that it wasn't all my fault. But you just have to think to yourself if he didn't stick with you through the bad times..the most important times, then he just wasn't meant for you. Eventually you will forgive yourself for your mistakes, and he will either see past them and think about all the good times you had or he won't. In the end though, you both live and you learn.

 

Good luck

[gaura]

I am having a difficult night. I returned to my apartment this evening where I live alone. I had spent the last 6 days with my parents while I was trying to mend this broken heart of mine. I thought I would feel ok when I got here, but I'm not at all. My thoughts about him have all returned. I was doing so well this weekend after talking with friends, but now I feel so very alone again. There are many things I miss about him.

 

He wants his space and will call me when he is "ready" but I wish we could just get this over with now. Why prolong this??? I don't want to wait a few more weeks to hear from him, and then have this whole thing play over again. He has so much control of this situation it is driving me crazy!