I cheated...now she wont talk to me at all....is there hope for the future?

[mkshult]

I know I am new here but I desperately need some advice! Me and my girlfriend of 3.5 years split up a couple months ago, and haven’t even talked to each other. It's a crazy story so feel free to continue to read.

 

So here it goes......

 

My girlfriend (we'll call her Sara) had a friend (we'll call her Michelle) that she was going to college with, whom I eventually became friends with as well. So myself and Michelle started to text back and forth on a fairly regular basis. After some time our texts became increasingly flirty with each other. Probably to the point that shouldn't have been reached, but nothing physical ever happened between me and Michelle.

 

The very next evening after Michelle and I's last explicit text I get a phone call from my girlfriend Sara. Sara blew up on me!!!!! Basically Michelle told Sara about all of our texts back and forth, and even showed the texts to Sara on her phone. My girlfriend was rightfully pissed at me!!!! And told me she needed her space. So at this point I didn't know what to do. The very next morning I get a phone call from Sara asking why I never called her back, texted, or e-mailed, or even drove down to see her to sort things out(let me remind you my girlfriend, Sara, goes to school 4 hours away from me). So we ended up talking on the phone for an hour about what happened, and then Sara told me she needed to go and hung up. So immediately after we get off the phone I jump in my car and drive 4 hours to go see her to hopefully sort all of this out and put an end to everything. I was unaware of the fact that on my way driving down to see Sara, she went and checked my e-mailed and saw that I was still talking to me ex girlfriend (Brittney) from high school.

 

Which 6 months prior me and Sara had an argument when she found out I was talking to Brittney and I told her I would stop. So it doesn't look good when I was going behind her back talking to her still, just adding more fuel to the fire. So when I finally get to my Sara's apartment 4 hours later, we start talking about the whole situation with me flirting with her friend and asking if there has been anything she should know about. I of course told her "no".....then she responded "well...what about the e-mails you are sending to Brittney?" Once that came out I knew this was going to be a bigger battle than what I had originally thought. So after being caught lying about that she asked me again if there is anything she should know about. I paused and finally broke down and told her truth that last time (December 08) I went home I slept with her best friend and my friend as well from high school. Obviously her heart was brocken. We ended up talking a couple more hours, basically myself trying plead my case and asking her to give me another chance and that I could change and be the man she deserves. Right before I left we agreed to talk again a few weeks later after things cool down a bit, and we ended up crying in each other’s arm before I walked out the door.

 

In the 3 weeks before our phone call, I sent her one text a week saying I’m sorry, I miss her, and I still love her. I also sent her a letter pouring my heart out to her in the mail, before I had to leave for a work conference. I got back from my work conference on a Saturday (a few days before we were going to talk). When I get back I received a letter back in the mail from her with just my apartment key in the mail...so that really hurt!!!

 

So a couple days pass and she calls me. I would of called her sooner but a lot of articles I read online said wait for her to contact you, so I was trying to play that card which really didn't seem to work....anyways....We end up talking for about an hour. The gist of the conversation was her trying to get closure on why I cheated on her, and then her last words to me was "DONT TEXT ME, DONT E-MAIL ME, DONT CALL ME....HAVE A NICE LIFE!!!" I was devastated, not knowing what to do, I fly back home for a week to hopefully regroup myself and not be such an emotional wreck. At this point I never felt so weak as a man in my life before!!!!

 

So a couple weeks passed and I came back from home. I decided to e-mail her...basically pouring my heart out to heart, professing my undying love. Then I got the bright idea that if she really wanted me out of her life, she won’t read the e-mail and possibly delete it. So a couple days pass and I go in and check her e-mail. To my surprise not only did she read the e-mail she forwarded it to her older sister, and roommate. I'm assuming to get there advice on what to do. Her sister wrote her back saying "I saw this coming, it won’t be the last one, don’t reply, you have done so good". And of course I get no e-mail back, no surprise.

 

Another week passes and my best friend from high school told me he wrote Sara an e-mail basically saying that I’m a good man, she needs to give me another chance, I have changed, and that he (my friend) has never seen me so emotional before, and that I made a mistake and everybody makes mistakes thus everyone deserves a second chance. He also told her to think for herself and not what everyone is telling her to do(i.e. her mom and older sister) She wrote back to him saying that she can honestly believe that I have changed, maybe I could be that changed man for another women. But she doesn't know if I’m still lying about the past or if I will lie again in the future. I need to move on with my life and told my friend to pass that along to me.

 

Why can’t she tell me that herself?

 

So that night I call Sara and leave her a voice mail telling her if that is what she feels than she needs to be able to look me into the eyes and tell me that and mean it from her heart. Until then I can't believe her and im not going to give up on us or the love that we had together. To no suprise, I get nothing back.

 

So about 5 days after that I write her a note saying the exact things I left in the voice mail, plus more. And drove 4 hours to put it on her door step to just drive all the way back. On my way back about half way I get a phone call from her Mom!!!! Saying that "I need to stop and there is nothing left. Sara told me to have a nice life for a reason" There was more to the conversation but im sure you get the jist of it.

 

So since then its been two weeks and I haven’t tried to make any sort of contact with her. My question is why cant Sara tell me this stuff herself. She can’t even do it over a text or an e-mail the most impersonal way!!!! I’m so confused! If she truly means what she says then why can’t she tell me? Or am I still living in denial? I’m so confused and don’t know what to do anymore. Maybe she just needs more time. It has now been two months since we broke up.

 

Please some good honest advice would be greatly appreciated! She was going to be my wife, we had plans on getting engaged within the next year, and actually we were supposed to go ring shopping when she came home for the holidays this year

[Boundary Problem]

So you slept with her best friend and now she won't talk to you?

 

 

If you were 100% satisfied in the relationship (and had good values) then you wouldn't have strayed.

 

 

 

Was the relationship really 100% satisfying?

[mkshult]

It was one night, and I had a moment of weakness!!!! It was the biggest mistake of my life!!! Me and my ex's relationship was amazing and was completely satisfying, I just made a huge mistake!

[stoneymirror]

dude, not to be rude, but blame yourself for most of this. You can't expect to cheat twice on your GF and then profess your love to her. If you were truly in love with her and wanted to marry her, you'd never put yourself in those compromising positions. You made some wrong choices, do you deserve a second chance? Maybe, but honestly would you take her back if she slept with your best friend, then her ex? Probably not, most people wouldn't think twice. What you did was basically show her how much you didn't care about her, and how selfish you are. Not trying to bad mouth you here but really you sound too young and immature for marriage. I really do wish you the best of luck, but I'd move on. She isn't coming back, and even if she did, your relationship would always be filled with insecurities. Big insecurities. She'd always wonder if you were cheating on her, then after some time you'd probably think she'd try cheating on you to get back. Your trust has been severed, and I really don't see it ever working out. You made your bed now you have to lay in it. We all make mistakes, unfortunately you probably won't ever get her to trust you ever again. I know it isn't fair, but that's life. Take this as lesson learned, and never cheat on any future GF's ever. Good luck

[Boundary Problem]

It was one night, and I had a moment of weakness!!!! It was the biggest mistake of my life!!! Me and my ex's relationship was amazing and was completely satisfying, I just made a huge mistake!

 

 

Why were you feeling weak? Was it a problem in the relationship? Or do you just falter sometimes?

 

 

Saying it was a mistake is a cop-out and you will keep repeating this pattern of behaviour in future relationships.

 

Forget about trying to get her back and do some self-analysis.

[teanoranges]

I really wish I could see your point of view and understand how love can still allow someone to stray,

but for me.. if you love someone you don't stray...

 

 

..... I kind of wish I had her strength in breaking up with someone who slept with someone else...

[Ody]

Please some good honest advice would be greatly appreciated!

 

mk,

 

I did something very similar to this once, years ago. So I really do hope my advice helps. Like yours, mine was a one night, moment of weakness thing - at first glance. But also like yours, I had a few other things going on that I shouldn't have - flirtiness with attractive women, communicating with people I shouldn't, etc. Like you, I ignored that these were bad, bad things to do, and also like you, my relationship was great otherwise.

 

But after I cheated I had to confront that this was not at all the case. What I learned about myself is that if I want to be really committed to someone, I need to cut out all that other BS - no flirty texts, no drinking at the bar with the attractive co-worker, etc. Even if I don't cheat that night, if I keep putting myself in those situations over again - well I probably will eventually. Part of the committment is being willing to give up all that s**t. It's important to not demonize your own sex drive, but at the same time be honest about how it affects you.

 

I think you should be similarly honest with yourself. When you say things like "I knew this was going to be a bigger battle than what I had originally thought" or " a moment of weakness" it makes me think you are not being honest with yourself about the extent of the problem you created. It's not just about that night. It's about you continually putting yourself in the situation where that could have happened.

 

I really think you're at a crossroads where you can either learn something about yourself and become a better person for your next relationship, or go down the road of being douchey - misunderstanding your sex drive and trivializing what fidelity really means. It's not just about not cheating.

 

Yes, I did say for your next relationship. If I were you I would stop trying to put together the pieces, and probably even go "no contact" as they call it here. I don't think infidelity always means you need to break up, but in your case, where you didn't really confess in a good way, and there's so much other baggage, and you've already been broken up for a while... very unlikely to work.

 

And if it doesn't work out, also learn that if you aren't willing to commit then don't go halfway. If you are unwilling to give up this behavior again with another person in the future, spare yourself and her the trouble and simply don't commit to monogamy until you find someone you can commit to that strongly. And be honest about it up front. You'll both be happier for it, and you will also be more satisfied with your sex life.

 

If you were 100% satisfied in the relationship (and had good values) then you wouldn't have strayed.

 

Not always true. Based on the assumption that a satisfying relationship erases the desire to stray. Maturity, true committment and satisfaction are all needed, and I think the problem was with the first two in this case, not the third.

Edited November 17, 2009 by Ody

[Charm13]

She has already given you the answer. She isn't going to tell you what you want to hear because she is trying to move on.

If you are the man you say you are, you will respect her wishes and leave her alone. Mistakes were made, learn from them and try not to make the same mistakes again in your next relationship.

I know it hurts, but time is what is needed now.

 

Good luck!

[mkshult]

Thanks Ody for the advice!!!! You are right I have definetley learned something about myself, and it is for the better. I never want to travel down that road again!!!! Looking back I am not proud of who I was or what I did!!! Not to say that I was never proud, but I didn't want to admit to it all because I knew it would be the end of the greatest thing that happened in my life.

 

Teanoranges, it sounds like you have been involved in something like this before...would you care to elaborate?

 

I guess my biggest thing is that me and my ex have such unsaid to each other after everything happened. Will there ever be a point that she will want to talk again? I know it is going to take time, but I wish I could know now!

[stillafool]

I'm sorry but it's over. You will have to take this lessen into your future so this doesn't happen again. I can't blame your gf I wouldn't take you back either.

[stillafool]

?

 

I guess my biggest thing is that me and my ex have such unsaid to each other after everything happened. Will there ever be a point that she will want to talk again? I know it is going to take time, but I wish I could know now!

 

 

I think so but in her time. It sounds like there is nothing to really talk about.

[Ody]

I guess my biggest thing is that me and my ex have such unsaid to each other after everything happened. Will there ever be a point that she will want to talk again? I know it is going to take time, but I wish I could know now!

 

Maybe, but in my lifetime I'm certainly under 50% in the "want to talk again" category (from them and me) so I never bet on it!

 

Also those unsaid things just lead to more unsaid things. The answers you are looking for aren't out there, unfortunately. Better to let go.

[mkshult]

I guess im still in denial about the whole thing! I know if she would just be responsive towards me I know that we could work things out, because this experience has changed me to how I was when we first started dating. I guess I lost myself in the last 6 months of our relationship because reality started to settle in that I was about ready to get engaged to this woman. But now after loosing her I want nothing more than to have her back, because I was getting a little scared asking myself "is she the one for sure?" now I know that she is!!!!

[sadgirl1]

Yeah well I agree! Imagine how hurt she is??? Learn from this and never ever cheat again! You only destroying her life with that and yours too!

 

I am sorry for you and i am sorry for her but you two have to move on! Maybe someday she´ll forgive you the whole story but I can understand she doesnt want to talk to you cause it must have been hard as hell for her I mean she loved you and trusted you!

 

Overthink your situation and never let this happen again!

[teanoranges]

Mine isn't quite the same situation. I don't know if I could hang on to someone who strayed while we were together..

 

My ex would flirt with other girls and we'd go on breaks... I'm starting to see the breaks as an excuse for him to go out without any strings and flirt with girls, etc. He was always awfully close to other girls and it always hurt.

Recently we ended things and he started fooling around with a different girl.

I told him so many times that once someone else comes along, it will be over.

Sadly, I still loved him and would have taken him back in a heartbeat.

 

I think right now, you need time to figure things out for yourself. Figure who you are as a person and what you feel...

with time the anger could fade with her, a kind of forgiveness..

then you could call her up when you feel seriously changed (let at least a year pass)

If it was true love, you two will find your ways back to each other.

[mkshult]

Thanks teanoranges!!!! That last paragraph you wrote got me a little watery eyed! Thats what I needed to hear! You're right me and my ex always considered it true love, even though I did the unthinkable. And this experience put me back to who I was before I strayed. Thanks, again!!