Egychick Posted October 7, 2009 Share Posted October 7, 2009 (edited) Here is my story. I am soooo heartbroken and don't know how to move on. My bf of almost 3 years and I are breaking up because his family wants him to marry his cousin. We knew it would happen, but continued on together because we loved eachother. He was my best friend, my love, the only one who could make me laugh from deep in my soul...he was always there for me and was committed...if he had nothing no money nothing and living on the street, I would be right there beside him. However, up until the last few days he was so kind and sweet to me. Then all of a sudden he has said things that were not so nice. When I asked him if he met the girl yet...he said he would f*** her on the wedding night (he can't see or meet the girl until their wedding night). If he didn't like her, he would marry a 2nd. He never talked like this before. He started being around people who fed ideas into his head and made him become a cold and mean person. If I ask him if he misses me..he says yes he does but he has been too busy to think about it much. I know I should have known...but the heart often times controls the mind. He was open minded, understanding...all of this changed. Now he says, he is afraid I will do something to destroy his marriage! He's not even engaged yet. Is expressing how I feel and defending this girl's rights(the one who will take the one I loved sooooo much away from me) being crazy?? The thought of him being with someone else kills me. Before this he was sweet....I feel that pressure from his work, people he is around and family are making him this way. I wonder if he will ever regret losing me? Tomorrow I am going to talk to him online...he says he wants to continue to talk to me....but how can I when he thinks I am crazy for loving for the right reasons? I am sooo lost and confused and hurt...I can't get him off my mind...I know he has probably almost forgotten me...but when I think of the good times, they far outweigh the bad....and that's what makes me break down...that's what makes it sooo hard. I want to tell him I need to walk away...I don't know if I have the strength to do it...I don't know what I will do...I just want peace...I want the pain to go away... Please, I just want to know what to do Why does he act this way? Why was he sweet and nice to me and then in the next week is cold?....how can I go on? :( Edited October 7, 2009 by Egychick Link to post Share on other sites
Ronni_W Posted October 7, 2009 Share Posted October 7, 2009 Hugs, Egychick. As you say, you both knew this time would come...but that doesn't make anything any better at this point. I would suggest that your ex is as devastated as you are, by the reality of him being forced to marry someone he hasn't even met yet. His way of coping appears to be to turn himself into a non-feeling entity. Perhaps he is also entertaining (false) beliefs that if he acts mean and nasty towards you, then that'll somehow make it easier for you to just stop caring about and loving him. From his perspective, he is being forced to marry someone he hasn't even met yet. And with that, he is being forced to give up the person he really loves, you. I can't even imagine what that must feel like for him, can you? You can go on, because you must. There is no sane alternative. Yes, it will be difficult, and you have much grieving-healing work ahead of you. You will need the love and support of your trusted family and friends; and you may also benefit by working with a loss/grief counselor. When you are ready, you could also take a look at the free, on-line version of 'How to survive the loss of a love': http://www.mcwilliams.com/books/sur/srtoc.htm I'm sorry that you and your ex are going through this. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Egychick Posted October 7, 2009 Author Share Posted October 7, 2009 Hugs, Egychick. As you say, you both knew this time would come...but that doesn't make anything any better at this point. I would suggest that your ex is as devastated as you are, by the reality of him being forced to marry someone he hasn't even met yet. His way of coping appears to be to turn himself into a non-feeling entity. Perhaps he is also entertaining (false) beliefs that if he acts mean and nasty towards you, then that'll somehow make it easier for you to just stop caring about and loving him. From his perspective, he is being forced to marry someone he hasn't even met yet. And with that, he is being forced to give up the person he really loves, you. I can't even imagine what that must feel like for him, can you? . Yes Ronni, you are pretty much spot on. Thanks for the link. I don't know maybe we have different ways of grieving. But from his side, it seems he has moved on just fine. He has a new job, a pending marriage, a new life. Whether he is really hurting like I am, I am not sure. I am not even sure if he still loves and cares about me. He still calls me every couple of days and a few days ago, he told me he still wanted to see me again. But didn't know if it was possible because of his job. He even said of course he wanted to keep in touch (when he had time). What does this all mean? He says, he could have been mean and surprised me with this marriage...as many men do from this culture, but he told me a long time ago. What does he want? Does he still care? If he wants to keep in touch, why would he say mean things? Why not just keep the peace and be honest? Even he doesn't understand or remember some of the means things that he says...I admit they could be a lot worse. But they are hurtful enough. I guess we will talk tomorrow (if he does what he says he will), I have many things to say. I don't know what to say to him. I don't know whether to tell him we should stop talking forever, or allow things to disapate by themselves, or let him call me like he plans without me calling him or maybe even answering... I want him to realize what he is losing...I don't know if he ever will...I'm not sure what the right thing for me to do is. It's hard to go NC because I feel if we keep things peaceful, and I accept reality in my mind as long as it stays this way, I will heal on my own. I'm sooo confused Please help. Link to post Share on other sites
Chrome Barracuda Posted October 7, 2009 Share Posted October 7, 2009 First of all, if he's a man.... I mean a real man he'd have his own balls and make his own destiny!!! his own decisions in life! Why is he marrying his cousin? Why is forcing himself to do what his family wants? You should have told him to stand up and face them head on and tell them to back off. Let me guess he's not from america huh??? india, china? any thrid world anonymous country? lol. You need to let him know that if he goes through with this you cannot be with him, because not only have he went off and got married because he was forced by his family, he married his female cousin?! WTF??? So does not only he doesnt have any balls he doing emotional and near incest on top of that. nice. husband material right there!!! You need to tell him that you will not contact, or talk to him ever again and to not contact you in any form or fashion. You will not be friends. This is the only way to bring yourself through this... No contact is for the best. and I'd have to question your mental decision to even want to be with a man who has no sense of character to make his own decisions in his life. Who has no sense of self respect and honor. To do the right thing by you! Other than love what's the reason for being with this man? I mean man with no backbone is nothing more than a woman's titular body part. and you know what I mean. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Egychick Posted October 7, 2009 Author Share Posted October 7, 2009 First of all, if he's a man.... I mean a real man he'd have his own balls and make his own destiny!!! his own decisions in life! Why is he marrying his cousin? Why is forcing himself to do what his family wants? You should have told him to stand up and face them head on and tell them to back off. Let me guess he's not from america huh??? india, china? any thrid world anonymous country? So does not only he doesnt have any balls he doing emotional and near incest on top of that. nice. husband material right there!!! . Well, Chrome Barracuda, in his conservative culture, it is normal to marry cousins...it's what they do. Some fight against it, but most are too afraid and weak to fight against family and societal pressures. Even if he wanted to fight for me, he would lose his family for sure. I just want to be at peace with him...I want closure...it's easier for me to move on with it...I don't like to leave things open and negative. Link to post Share on other sites
Chrome Barracuda Posted October 7, 2009 Share Posted October 7, 2009 What can he say or do that will give you closure??? You know what closure is, it's like the wound that never closes. The pain that never stops. So he get's disowned by his family, let me guess they got money and if he doesnt do what they want he's off the will??? lol. Dude all he needs to do is siphon off some money and split. Who marries their cousin because it's comonplace? Why is he marrying her if he doesnt love her? You need to dump the chump, truthfully if the situation was reversed wouldnt you want to fight for him? How old is he, you? If he marries her and goes through with it. Are you still gonna be with him?? Tell me you got that much sense to not be around him anymore. You got to move on from this doormat! God this is sickening I couldnt picture me being forced to marry my cousin family or not. We'd be fistfighting in the yard you'd have to drag me out in cuff and shackle me down the aisle and even then I wont say "I Do" He's willing I dont think he's being forced... Has he had sex with his cousin? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Egychick Posted October 7, 2009 Author Share Posted October 7, 2009 No, I wouldn't talk to him once he is engaged. In this culture, most women do not have sex before marriage. So, It's not about money, his family is just normal, economically. It's traditions. In his country traditions are ridiculous. I thought he would try to fight...but I guess in his mind...maybe he doesn't want to go through it...but he talks about this girl like she is an object out of frustration. I know he loves his family so much, so he couldn't live without them. Maybe others outside his culture think it is sickening what he is doing...but there it is completely normal...so what is normal is relative and depends on your view point and where you're standing. Back to he and I...closure for me is having questions answered...or at least me saying...it is time for me to walk away and take the upper hand. I will feel a stronger person if I tell him I will leave, instead of him leaving me...Right now, I feel he has the upper hand. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Egychick Posted October 7, 2009 Author Share Posted October 7, 2009 also, for some ultra conservative families (he's from the middle east) love comes after marriage. Whatever he had with me was real love. Sure he will never experience that again. Regardless, I spent a lot of time with him...so it's difficult...it's his culture and traditions...but I was with him for him...not for where he is from...actually he was more open minded and thought a bit differently than he is at the moment. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Egychick Posted October 7, 2009 Author Share Posted October 7, 2009 How old is he, you? ? He's 27, I'm 28 Link to post Share on other sites
Chrome Barracuda Posted October 7, 2009 Share Posted October 7, 2009 Well in saudi arabia it's islamic right??? Or is pashtun? I'm not clear on the area of religion that's over there. but seriously if he's so co-dependent on his family then anything they force on him he would do because that's all he knows. He's a doormat and he doesn't have any balls. As a woman yourself you want him to fight for what you both got. And why isnt he allowed to marry you, are you from a different caste system? For closure what things can he answer that his actions already hasnt said about him and himself!!! WTF? what are you gonna find for closure??? Closure comes from within. sometimes that nagging need for closure can keep your mind open to him for a time to come... I'd just keep it moving. I'd be more disgusted for myself in dealing with someone like this. someone who cant and wont stand up and fight for me like i matter. Let the chump go, grieve the relationship and move on. easy as that. He makes his own decisions it's either make your own destiny or be someone else's bitch. which what he has chosen to do. Dont let him come back into your life if he does marry her. Which is what he may end up trying to do. Link to post Share on other sites
Athena Posted October 7, 2009 Share Posted October 7, 2009 For some strange reason, while reading about your dilemma, I got the idea that your situation is very much like you being an OW, and your b/f being the MM, with his W being the cousin. He loves you, but is stuck in place of his dead Marriage by his family/friends/ place in society... How many MM in love with their OW leave their wife and lose standing in society, ties to friends, family, and kids uprooted, as well as a loss of finances, just to be with their lover? Not many. So, although it is a very different culture to the one I know about, I CAN understand why your b/f is resigning himself to his life, and is doing what he is expected to do. Most people do this, no matter what culture they come from Perhaps looking at it from this different perspective can help you in some way? I would suggest you tell him one last time that you know he will be going the route of an arranged marriage, but you are telling him you love him, want him, and do not want him to go ahead and marry the cousin. But that you are now going complete No Contact. Then do your best to move on with your life. If he marries her, you must never have any more contact with him. For what it's worth, that woman that is supposed to marry him is probably looking at it with hope, that she will be treated well, and loved. And he is talking about her in a bad her! Poor woman. And poor you! Both of you being messed around because he doesn't know how to handle his situation without getting into a mess. Link to post Share on other sites
Chrome Barracuda Posted October 7, 2009 Share Posted October 7, 2009 I wouldnt even put a MM/OW spin on things because these guys are starting fresh in a relationship already established and his parents are dictating to him who he should marry! there are similarities but it all boils down to choice. it's his choice to go through with it. No one's holding a gun to his head, but maybe since it's saudi arabia, a knife to his throat? lol. IDK. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Egychick Posted October 7, 2009 Author Share Posted October 7, 2009 What is the meaning of MM and OW? I'm new to this things...so I'm not sure about the abbreviations yet. I'm assuming W means wife. I don't know if he will be happy in his marriage. I wonder if he is happy or if he is feeling anything at all about the situation. To some, I shouldn't care....but I still wonder. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted October 7, 2009 Share Posted October 7, 2009 MM and OW have to do with infidelity. 'married man' and 'other woman' Link to post Share on other sites
cheeze Posted October 13, 2009 Share Posted October 13, 2009 truthfully if the situation was reversed wouldnt you want to fight for him? QUOTE] Hey Egychick your situation sounds sooo similar to mine. My bf of 4 yrs got 'arranged married' on 11th and iv been through HELL literally....cant sleep, iv no energy most of the times..have lost all my self confidence. I tried to convince him what he was doing was wrong for everyone...but I could not change his decision.... I waited till the very last moment waiting for some miracle to happen but nothing happened....and none will.... He got married and left me alone...turning a blind eye to how much I cared for him all these years... As of now I am trying not to contact him....but its so damn difficult....It gets worst when I am free....So maybe keeping busy will be a good option....but then who can concentrate on any work in this mindset... Well, as Chrome Barracuda pointed out, if the situation was the reverse what would you do?...I would def fight for him till the very end and never give up on us...and your time, emotions, confidence are a very heavy price to pay for such a man.... The fact is once he has decided...he wont come back.....even if he says he is equally affected by the breakup you cant stop him...and you cant do anything to ease his pain as well....It would be better not to wait until his marriage....just stop talking to him right away...If he has to come back he will....else it will be real tough thinking of him and his wife and wondering what they are upto Thankx cb for your post.... Link to post Share on other sites
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