I need some advice/help on my situation

[heinzster]

This might become long but please hear me out and offer me whatever advice that you might have. I am 27 years old, and about a year and a half ago I started dating this girl that I had at the time worked with. She ended up getting laid off from there shortly after, but it was after our relationship took off. She was 22 years old at the time, and was the first girlfriend that I ever had.

 

We loved each other so much and our relationship grew tremendiously. We had nothing but great times and spent every weekend embrassed in each others arms and sometimes during the week too. Honestly there was not too much more in a relationship that I could have wanted. We did everything together and some of the best memories of my life where made with her.

 

Things wernt going to good for her so I asked her to move in with me into my apartment. She was all for it and things were great for a couple of months. I guess she just fell out of love with me and instead of talking to me about it like I asked her she just kind of started doing her own thing.

 

About 3 months after we moved in together, just after a full year of going out she calls me and tells me that she doesnt want to be b/f-g/f anymore. She just needs sometime alone to think about things and not have to worry about a relationship. She said that we could get back together in the future when she worked somethings out in her life. Because of that I decided to continue living together.

 

The time just got worse and worse between us. She has a lot of personal problems that were always seeming to effect our happpiness together. I gave her all the time she needed. Today is Saturday, and I found out on Monday that she had been unfaithful to me. I thought that we had an understanding about our relationship but I guess I was wrong.

 

On Tuesday I broke down crying in front of her and asking her to leave at the end of the month. I had planed not to tell her that I knew about things until she had moved out, but it just ate me alive. On Wednesday I could not take it anymore and I told her about the anonymous email that I had got and she went ballistic. I took her over her friends house so she could think and she muttered under her breathe that she could not keep it a secret anymore. I asked her what I meant since I had just metioned the email that I got and she didn't say anything. That night she came home and sent me an email and I listened to her cry on the couch all night long since it had been months since we just slept together. Thursday morning I got the email saying exactly what had happened which I respected her for doing even though it was so hard for her to do. She was going to leave that night and came home from work and packed. She tried to call her parents who told her that they would move her that night, but again they screwed her over as they always seem to do. I was the only one in her life that has ever been there for her whenever she needed me. Well she spent Thursday night and we talked about things some important some not.

 

On Friday she came home from work and moved all her stuff out without much of a word. She wouldn't even let me help at all. That night I talked to her a little bit online and I feel terrible for whatever it is that I did to her. I ruined her total view of love and she doesn't want to be with anyone every again. She is really going through a lot right now and I feel sorry that she had about the absolute worst week that someone could have. The person that she was sleeping with was close to her family and she lost 2 friends, 2 sisters, and me over everything that had happened. Her family has never been there for her under any circumstances, but I always have been and continue to be there. After she left about 5 minutes later I had already started to feel better about things cuz the hard part was already over.

 

Last night I didnt sleep again and I have only gotten like 8 hours of sleep since Monday tops and I am feeling totally drained and stressed out making work that much more harder. When I rolled out of bed this morning all I could think about was what I had done to her. She was the one sleeping around on me, and yet I feel bad for not being her one true love and giving her everything that she wanted. She always called us soulmates and thought that we would be together no matter what and that feeling kind of rubbed off onto me. She had problems and didn't talk about them with me until it was already too late.

 

I could go on forever, but I feel that you now kow enough to answer my questions. Should I try and get back together with her even knowing that she doesn't want anyone in her life, or should I just let things go for now and just be there when she needs me to talk to? Am I justified to ask her to leave before I confronted her about what had happened? How do you get over such drama in losing someone who had showed you more love and caring than anyone else in your life including your family? If things were to work out between us could I ever trust her again? How long should I expect to take before the sad feelings and sleepless nights go away? I don't have many friends and the only way I know to ask these questions are message boards/forums so anything you say will be taken seriously. Thanks for listening.

[Just A Girl2]

First of all, knock it off with the guilt trip you're on. The fact that she cheated on you had nothing whatsoever to do with YOU or any kind of inadequacies on her part...it had everything to do with her own inadequacies..#1 being inadequate in the honesty-department. Nobody and nothing FORCED her to be unfaithful to you. If she was so unhappy, she could have ended things with you and THEn pursued something sexual with someone else. But she didn't.

 

Don't buy this crap from her, about how she's disillusioned about love, will never trust or love someone again. She sounds like a first class manipulator to me. She's the one who screwed around, but now she's twisting things around and making YOU out to be the bad guy. What a crock of sh*t!

 

Don't fall for her garbage. Don't fall for her attempts (and sad ones at that) to make YOU feel like you're to blame here, and that you've somehow ruined her whole life and future.

 

You need to move on and forget this immature, manipulative and dishonest little cow. You are NOT to blame for her actions. She is solely responsible for them. NObody put a gun to her head and forced her to betray you.

 

Focus on what she's done to YOU....how she BETRAYED YOU, and hurt you, and let you down, and used you, and lied to you. Get in touch with your anger at how she's treated you......mull that over for a bit.......have NO further contact with her..........and thank your lucky stars you found out what she's all about now, versus 5 yrs from now if you'd married her and there were children.

 

Do not give her any more opportunities to emotionally abuse and manipulate her. She is the one solely in the wrong. End the guilt trip right now.

[heinzster]

Thanks for the advice I mean it. One more question that I wanted to ask was did she really cheat on me even though we were not still going out. We were living together, but had broken up in the past with the knowledge that we might get back together again. It was obvious that something was going on by the time she was spending elsewhere.

[yes]

She needs space, to sort out her life, whatever else - so get out of her life, immediately. No IMs, no emails, no phone calls, just cut it off.

 

First off, it will make it easier for you to concentrate on moving on.

Second of all, if ever she wants to come back to you, it should be her move, and that's most likely to happen if you vanish from her life right now.

 

That's my tactic with all my ex's - I barely talk to them, - just enough not to be rude.

 

Meanwhile, now that you're single & free, go make some friends, get out, have fun, eventually start dating again!

 

I know it's easier said than done, believe me. But i also know it takes a lot less time to move on if you have no contact.

 

that's my advice,

-yes