4 years together, 6 weeks apart...and I'm not coping very well. It's Facebook's fault

[Taucher]

I THOUGHT I was coping fine. I'm not. I was building myself up and getting better and (occasionally) having fun. But today, I feel that I am back to square one.

 

I looked at my ex's Facebook page. For some reason, she still has on there that she is in a relationship with me (why wouldn't she change that?). On my page, I have my relationship status as going out with her also. I am scared to change it first.

 

Today, she became friends (on Facebook) with her ex from YEARS ago. She told me about 6 months ago that he had requested it, but she has not replied because she knew I wouldn't like it. I told her of course that I wouldnt mind, but she kept bringing it up and telling me that I am stopping her, even though I never did! But she turned it into this big...thing. I have 2 exes as Facebook friends and she never liked that, but it wouldn't bother me at all if she had exes as her friend, because I trust her.

 

Now, she is probably telling everyone that now we have split up, she can do whatever she wants...BUT SHE ALWAYS COULD! Is she making herself feel better by imagining that I was controlling?

 

But now, 6 weeks after leaving me (and 6 months after him requesting it) she has added him as a friend. Like all of a sudden she feels free, free from me. But it is a freedom she always had!

 

I met up with her 2 weeks after she left me. She told me about the girl she is now living with and the man who owns the flat that she lives in. She told me that he is a REALLY nice man...and then added: "But dont worry, he's married"! As if the thought ever occured to me.

 

Sorry, I know I am just wittering on...but these feelngs I have inside me are so SO hard.

 

What should I think? How can I change how I FEEL?

 

Help.

[Exit]

6 weeks is not that long to still be suffering after a 4 year relationship, nothing wrong with you.

 

Stop looking at her facebook. And you know what? Be the first person to change that relationship status. She's going to change hers eventually and you'll feel better and be standing up for yourself if you do it first.

 

Don't worry yourself over this "Freedom" she thinks she's found. You know in your heart that you were never controlling her. Who cares that she added her ex, you don't know her reasons for doing it. It's not like she added him the very next day after leaving you, at least not the way you described it. She accepted his request 6 weeks later.

 

Be strong. Change your facebook status to single. That'll be a big step for you. And then stop looking at hers unless you want to welcome the pain of one day seeing her with another guy.

[bones11]

Honestly, I don't get all the issues with facebook people have after they breakup!.. Simply delete them from your friends list NOW!.. then you dont know what they are up too, and you can't be tempted to look at their profile.

You can always re add them when you're over them.

 

When I broke up with my ex.. she was deleted immediately.

She was seeing a new guy not long after, and I knew I wouldn't of been able to handle the photos of thm together, status updates etc.. way too painful, so why subject yourself to it. Its crazy!

[Exit]

Yeah, it certainly is self-destructive behavior. I think some people do it because in a way, they want to get hurt. They want to see their ex smiling in a photo with someone else, in a strange way it might encourage you to move on. Or of course, if you're in denial, you think their page is going to say they miss you and things like that. Best course is just to delete them.

[asuman]

Once again Facebook rears its ugly head. I see this happening more and more on these boards.

 

Change your status first. Trust us on that. Then, delete her friend connection and stop looking at her profile. Her profile is not some secret window into her private life. It is a very public image of what she wants to convey to her friends and to YOU, including things that she knows will hurt you. If you delete her, she will lose that power. Take control of your feelings.

[Heartbroken-idiot]

im in the same problem, she has recently split up with me, and i tried to keep in contact for about 5 days to which her mother told me to leave her alone, she wants me leave her because my ex wants me to get over her because she knows its hurting me.

she deleted me off facebook but i know her u/n and password as she knows mine and i cant help but looking but then found out that she wants to move her uni house away from mine and now i feel worse than ever.

most awful website ever.

[fani]

It's hard I know. My ex does not actually have facebook. He did a long time ago but got angry one night and deleted it. Part of me is glad, because I cannot torment myself, but the other part of me wishes I could see it. See what peopple are saying to him about us and me and so on.

[Trimmer]

Sorry, but by saying "it's Facebook's fault", you are surrendering your power, and that's not very wise or productive.

 

You have control, if you take it. De-friend her, change your status to what is current and true, and start living your life.

 

If you throw up your hands and say "that evil Facebook," you are just making yourself voluntarily helpless.

 

Facebook isn't doing it to you, you're doing it to yourself.

[Trimmer]

she deleted me off facebook but i know her u/n and password as she knows mine and i cant help but looking....

Grow some stones and show some honor, and don't use somebody's u/n and password that you are not intended to be using. You can help it, you just don't want to. It feels so good when you pick those scabs, doesn't it?

 

most awful website ever.

It's actually quite a useful tool for masochists.

 

On the other hand, if you don't like hurting yourself, and are ready to start recovering, then you have the power to do that, but you have to make that decision first.

[broken_promises]

Same boat. 3-1/2 years together, moved out just over a week ago.

 

About two months prior to the breakup, ex joined Facebook and began talking to all these people from high school (which, for him, was 20 years ago) and started talking to his ex-girlfriend from high school as well as a crush all the time. We were actually NOT friends on Facebook and I asked him not to tell me anything about it, because a) I knew we would be breaking up soon and b) I am a really jealous person who didn't think I could handle it. Well, that blew up in my face as he retreated into secrecy with this girl and yet, her profile was public so I could see anything that he wrote/they wrote in conversation on her wall. It tortured me for the entire ending of our relationship when we were still living together.

 

It has been the HARDEST thing to do - not to look at her page, but it has been a week and it takes all the willpower in the world. I'm not kidding.

 

As for it being Facebook's "fault" I often feel that way too, so you're not alone. I really hate Facebook (as hypocritical as that is because I'm on there too) and mostly it is because it seems to wake up all these old feelings in people about who they were/want to be/want to project to the world. I feel like it creates this false sense of intimacy with people that knew you when you were younger and yet is easy to justify to your significant other - "oh, they are just a friend I knew 20 years ago" when, in reality, many people ARE using it as a type of dating site. It disgusts me. (Sorry... Facebook rant.)

[EmperorR]

BLOCK HER right now from facebook, I don't know why people do this to themselves, trust me your going to hvae to block her sooner or later, its better now before you see her pictures out with her new bf, and him feeling on her boobs n stuff.

[hrtbrk hotel tenant]

yeah facebook can cause major issues if ur not really secure with who u are ...my ex and i deleted each other as friends(although i still have ur passwrd). i know i know i shouldnt check it but i am curious. but anyway i agree wit the masses just dont befriend her on fb. leave it be god take time away from her then u can heal properly.

[gorgio]

1. Remove her from your friend list on Facebook - NOW!

2. Block her so you don't start 'peeking' into her profile when you have those weak moments

3. Start meeting new girls

 

Start changing your thoughts, you need to respect yourself! It's going to take a while but you need to fight yourself and gain your respect back.

 

I have been there before, the best thing to do is start going out and talking to new girls to get your confidence back. I am not talking about dating, just making conversation with people.

[CaliGuy]

I THOUGHT I was coping fine. I'm not. I was building myself up and getting better and (occasionally) having fun. But today, I feel that I am back to square one.

 

I looked at my ex's Facebook page. For some reason, she still has on there that she is in a relationship with me (why wouldn't she change that?). On my page, I have my relationship status as going out with her also. I am scared to change it first.

 

Today, she became friends (on Facebook) with her ex from YEARS ago. She told me about 6 months ago that he had requested it, but she has not replied because she knew I wouldn't like it. I told her of course that I wouldnt mind, but she kept bringing it up and telling me that I am stopping her, even though I never did! But she turned it into this big...thing. I have 2 exes as Facebook friends and she never liked that, but it wouldn't bother me at all if she had exes as her friend, because I trust her.

 

Now, she is probably telling everyone that now we have split up, she can do whatever she wants...BUT SHE ALWAYS COULD! Is she making herself feel better by imagining that I was controlling?

 

But now, 6 weeks after leaving me (and 6 months after him requesting it) she has added him as a friend. Like all of a sudden she feels free, free from me. But it is a freedom she always had!

 

I met up with her 2 weeks after she left me. She told me about the girl she is now living with and the man who owns the flat that she lives in. She told me that he is a REALLY nice man...and then added: "But dont worry, he's married"! As if the thought ever occured to me.

 

Sorry, I know I am just wittering on...but these feelngs I have inside me are so SO hard.

 

What should I think? How can I change how I FEEL?

 

Help.

 

Ok, tough love here.

 

1. Remove your "relationship" status with her.

2. Remove her from your friends list.

3. Make your profile private.

 

There's no reason for you to be friends with her. There is definitely no reason for you to be keeping tabs on her via facebook.

 

You will NEVER move on with your life and recover until you remove the remnants of her from your life.

 

Don't you see? Hanging on to her via whatever method (online social dating sites, mementos, etc), all this is doing is STOPPING you from healing. What good does any of that do? Being her "friend" isn't going to guarantee a reconciliation. In fact, I am of the opinion that doing so guarantees you will NEVER get back together.

 

She has no time to miss you.

She doesn't have to wonder what you are up to, who you are dating.

She sees your friendship as a pathetic attempt to "hold on" to what you had.

It's the same as begging/whining/clinging to her.

 

The simple fact that you won't change your status to single is the same as telling her "In my mind, we're still dating" even if she hasn't changed hers.

 

Be a man. Accept the past. Forgive yourself. Move on. It's the ONLY way to truly heal.

 

If she comes back it will be on her own accord. Nothing you say or do is going to change the situation. You have ZERO control over it.

 

If you want to get better, read the links in my signature file.

 

And I agree, it's not FB or MS's fault. It's your OWN fault for not being disciplined with yourself to move on with your life!

[Trimmer]

As for it being Facebook's "fault" I often feel that way too, so you're not alone. I really hate Facebook (as hypocritical as that is because I'm on there too) and mostly it is because it seems to wake up all these old feelings in people about who they were/want to be/want to project to the world. I feel like it creates this false sense of intimacy with people that knew you when you were younger and yet is easy to justify to your significant other - "oh, they are just a friend I knew 20 years ago" when, in reality, many people ARE using it as a type of dating site. It disgusts me. (Sorry... Facebook rant.)

You know, for quite a while after my wife left me, I was quite angry at cellphones. Sounds stupid, eh? I felt like cell phones had changed the way we communicate with each other and that they made it easier for people to betray others.

 

Now, it just so happens that the cell phone was an operative part of how my wife was cheating on me, and making and maintaining a strong connection with the guy she left me for. And it was from the cell phone records that I got my first punch in the gut that broke the case open, so to speak. So I was pretty pissed at cell phones - I figured it was all their fault.

 

In the long run, I have come to realize that these new communication tools aren't inherently good or bad (or "to blame") themselves, any more than the hammer is to blame when you hit your thumb with it.

 

What they do is to help reveal the true character of those using the tools. If my wife used a cell phone (or MS or FB?!?!?) to carry on an extra-marital relationship, the cell phone enabled her to behave according to her inherent character, but it is laughable to think that it caused the problem.

 

Damn, evil, cellphones! If it weren't for that cell phone, my wife would be a whole different person inside. Well, no, not really.

 

So for everyone "blaming" FB or MS as being a bad influence, all they are doing is opening a valve to reveal the true character of each person using those tools - good and/or bad - just like the telephone did a century ago, just like cell phones have done over the last couple of decades, etc....

 

I'm not saying this to create an argument or make anyone feel any worse, but I'm saying that part of recovery is to take responsibility for your own power in a situation (DON'T read her FB page - DO delete her as a friend) as well as recognizing human shortcomings - both hers and yours - where they exist. Part of that is not hooking on to extraneous external factors (FB, MS, cellphones...) to put the blame upon, because that just distracts from the reality of the situation.

[asuman]

A cellphone allowed me to discover an affair my girlfriend was having behind my back.

 

When I went NC on her after we broke up, she came back and tried to reconcile. It ended when I looked at her cellphone and discovered she was lying to me about not talking to the other guy.

 

Cellphones are our friends, not our enemies.

 

I agree with the points being made about Facebook.

[adamt]

day after my ex split with me she changed her status to single, but just showing in the info page. she only updates her status once a day, but 3 days ago i decided to remove her as a friend. i dont want to read into anything she writes and dont want to know if she starts going back out with anyone else. it makes a difference as there is no temptation.although i downloaded any photos of her or me that from things we did together. plan to put them and any other photos on a cd and put it in a place i wont be tempted to look for a long time. we did lots of trips so in the long term a shame to destroy them.