Limbo? Or not so Limbo?

[ahotmess]

So I've been dating this guy for 4mo now. He is divorced with a daughter who is 3 now. I have never been married and have no children. We met through friends....he is the best man, I am the maid of honor in their wedding this Aug. Instantly we connected and have shared a strong bond. We have both been involved with eachothers family, and family importance is a common bond that we have.

 

We hit a rocky spot recently and he admitted fault for that. We spoke on wed and I asked him if he needed a break, he declined. I didn't feel much better (cause I go with my gut). Anyways after talking with him I called my mother who said "He sounds like he's depressed".

 

The following days I cried, threw up, and didn't eat b/c our conversations were few and far between and always initiated by me (a devience from the norm). And the biggest sign, the "I love you" was always initiated by me (another devience).

 

I came home from a conert last night and the majority of his things were gone. The key was on the key rack. No note, no phone call, nothing.

 

He left behind a TV and DVD player (in my bedroom he bought the DVD player but the TV is his mothers) All of his toiletries (we didnt live together). He also left his alarm clock, some clothing, and all of his daughters toys (I purchased them). He took his WII (that he never plays), and most all of his clothes.

 

My friend, whose wedding we are in, says that her and her SO agreed not to discuss "our" relationship so that they wouldn't be in the middle. She did say that her SO mentioned that my (I guess now ex-SO) was pretty depressed.

 

Still no contact from him. As far as I can see, I have done nothing wrong. If I have, he has never mentioned it to me.

 

Do you think there is still a chance for us? That maybe he is depressed and going through a phase right now? I mean I directly asked him if he needed a break and he said no. There was very limited, but all positive contact between that time and him taking all of his stuff and leaving.

 

I don't want to run out on him if he's having a tough time, as I love him very much, BUT if this is the end, then I need to move on. I want him to know that I care, and we can work things out. If he is depressed he could be just acting out of despair and needing someone to reach out. But I don't want to be pushy. What should I do? Any ideas or similar stories? So far I've maintained NC.

[Beeotch]

This situation puts you in a predicament....

 

I had a similar situation, in that my ex and I broke up out of the blue (the day before the break up he called me to say he loved me and missed my voice)....he said he broke up with me (at the time said it was a break) because of stress and I now know that he has a lot of issues with intimacy/attachment/emotional expressions. I realized that a lot of what he says and ways he acts that seems like he doesn't care are really a facade and he is going through emotional turmoil...

 

 

Knowing this makes it hard to just be mad at him and turn your back because you feel bad. You know this person actually needs help and support and that it is not necessarily you or the relationship that is bothering them. I spent months trying to reach out and so forth...but it pushed him away further. I eventually realized that regardless of his issues (and in your ex's case, his depression)....THEY have to be the one's to ask us for help and to reach out. I made my ex know that I loved him unconditionally and that I cared and would be there then I LEFT HIM ALONE. I can't do anything else. So I think you have to just let this person know (thru text, email perhaps) that you do care and are there for them if they need you....maybe check up on him every week or so...but leave it up to them to invite you into their space.

 

It is hard but sometimes all you can do is sit in the wings and allow them to go through their struggles. Not to say that you have to put a hold on your life, don't....but you can't be center stage and supporting actress anymore but have to wait until they need you to do something behind the scenes.

[redmelon]

What about you? Who is thinking of you in this situation? Doesn't sound like he is thinking of you at all, and you are discounting how horrible it must have felt to come home and find his things gone with no explanation. I think THAT is a bad sign.

 

It's obvious that you are a caring and compassionate person to worry with what he is going through right now, but honestly, it's obviously nothing to do with you, and there isn't anything you can do to fix it. I am sure he knows that he can come to you to talk, or for help, and he chose, of his own accord, to leave in this overly dramatic fashion. He has acted poorly and disrespected you in the process of leaving as he did. There is no excuse for disappearing like that, it's cowardly and generally unnecessary. There were a million other ways to handle leaving if that's what he had to do.

 

I just don't think this is the way you deserved to be treated, if you, like you said, are unaware of doing anything at all to cause him to react in this way. I t makes you worry endlessly and hang in limbo until he decides to show up and explain himself. It's not how you treat someone you care about, much less share your family with. I hope you see that.

[ahotmess]

Fast forward 2mo. I don't know why I didn't remember posting this...but I came across it today. Figured I would update as a little bit of "closure".

 

It was another woman. I NEVER in a million years would have guessed that...and more espescially I NEVER would have guessed that it was a very close friend of mine (who is married) that he hooked up the very next day.

 

They are moving in together this week and she is in the process of a divorce. WTF????? Neither of them had the balls to tell me. What cowards.

 

How could I have been such a POOR judge of character?

 

My friend whose wedding both he and I were scheduled to be in, allowed this other friend (aka the married mate poacher) to move in with her when she left her husband (my ex still lives with his parents). For obvious reasons I have resigned (?) from the weddding. But I do try to maintain friendship with the bride.

 

I can't even begin to tell you how this literally rocked my world. I was so close to this guy. I was close to his family. I loved him and believed in him. He dicked me and I was still concerned about him. How could I have been soo dupped by both of them. The "friend" was the one who literally sat here on the couch with me while I wrote this initial post. She watched me cry over my broken heart...she knew how much I loved him....hell she's the one who went to that concert with me the night he took his **** out of my house (how convenient for them).

 

I have one point of confusion and that is this: is he REALLY just a collosal jerk? or is has he possibly made the biggest mistake of his life?

 

I'm over him. I'm not over the situation, I think its a bit too soon for that as much as I would like to think that I really am over it.

 

I would NEVER take him back. The pain that he caused, they caused, is so great that there is no taking back.

 

But in the same regard...I really don't wish for them to succeed either. I know that's probably bad karma, but how can two wrongs make a right????

[Tayla]

ahotmess-

You truly said it best in such a short sentence : "I am over him, not the situation."

That spoke volumes! You rationalized it in the proper perspective. Sometimes it takes the heart a while to heal after the mind *knows* the truth.

I wish you much strength in sorting thru some of this . Especially after enduring some harsh realities. When the rug is pulled out with no warning it does take awhile to regain balance, You sound like you are getting there!

[ahotmess]

Tayala,

You are oh so right.....that rug getting pulled out really does take a while to regain balance. But I'm suprised at the progress in only two months. But then again...I can't believe it's been two whole months. The whole situation just seems so unreal. So bogus. And I try to not think about it as it pertains to me, but rather from an outside perspective. He and I talked about a spring wedding and had looked at houses together...thank God that never happened. It was really hard at first to change my view of the whole relationship.

 

It was sooo great. There were NO warning signs. He was 100% into me, then he was gone. It seriously was just "like that". It was all a lie. Not just my relationship with him, but my circle of friends as well.

 

I'm so thankful for the support that I've received (throughout the years) here on LS. I'm so thankful for the true friends that I do have. But I hate that those two awful excuses for DNA will remain with me always. They are inextricably a part of my life. A turning point for the better, but with a HUGE emotional price.

 

For all of you who are going through a breakup, no matter what the situation is......I leave you with this "Don't let some hellbent heart leave you bitter, when you come close to selling out, reconsider...give the heavens above more than just a passing glance..." Words from a really great song...but I tell you what...that first line totally hits home and gives me strength. I hope that you all (we all) find our strength when it is needed.

[mickleb]

You're very composed for someone who has dealt with so much sh*t. To have your friends involved, as well, must be awful.

 

I know what you mean about feeling unreal. My ex was bang into me one minute, then gone the next. I think he's just tried to erase me from his life. I've figured that, despite what he said, he was just 'playing' at being in a commited relationship. It sometimes feels as if I dreamt it all up.

 

I wanted to say, though, that you mentioned you'd dsicussed getting married and looking at houses. Do you think that was a bit soon, after four months? x

[edward-e]

its really lame how people can be like this. just up and leave you for some random person....especially someone so screwed up. but hey youre getting over it and thats good. PLUS you have a beautiful eye.

[ahotmess]

mickleb- Perhaps 4mo was a bit too soon....but everything just felt soo right. I've been in and out of relationships and I'm not really all that young, I felt I knew what I was getting into. Hindsight is 20/20 so I would now say that yes 4mo was a bit soon to be speaking of marriage.

 

This experience has taught me to move slower next time. I also feel like I've learned to enjoy life SOOOOOO much more. If I had any thought that things were going to end, I may have savored every second I had with him. Now I do know that every second was a lie, but I would be lying to myself if I didn't admit that despite it's fakeness...it was wonderful It was everything I was (and still am) looking for.

 

Edward-e- thanks for the compliment on my eye:) LOL

[edward-e]

thats the kind of eye i wanna stare into for the rest of my life.

[mickleb]

mickleb- Perhaps 4mo was a bit too soon....but everything just felt soo right. I've been in and out of relationships and I'm not really all that young, I felt I knew what I was getting into. Hindsight is 20/20 so I would now say that yes 4mo was a bit soon to be speaking of marriage.

 

This experience has taught me to move slower next time. I also feel like I've learned to enjoy life SOOOOOO much more. If I had any thought that things were going to end, I may have savored every second I had with him. Now I do know that every second was a lie, but I would be lying to myself if I didn't admit that despite it's fakeness...it was wonderful It was everything I was (and still am) looking for.

 

Edward-e- thanks for the compliment on my eye:) LOL

 

I hear myself in your words. My relationship was 14 months but we were very in love, very quickly and that didn't change until the day he walked away. It's very hard. And I know what you mean about depsite the fakeness, it was what you wanted. I had a few doubts but he went to such lengths to persuade me that I needn't have, that I let them go. The rest of the time was incredible. Wonderful.

 

So you know, I'm older (37) and have never been married or had children and so, it seemed as if I had finally landed my catch. It's hard to keep starting again when you've done it so many times but an advantage of that is that you know you will survive.

 

My struggle is with still believing this has happened. He gave me no warning. It's such a shock to the system.

 

Would you have really savoured every moment if you knew it was going to end? Or would you have chosen not to invest in something you knew you could not sustain?