He insists it's "space", but it feels like a breakup.

[Cloudberry]

We were together for 4 years. Almost 2 months ago, my boyfriend said he needed space, which included me moving out of his house, and moving 3 hours away. He said he loves me but he doesn't know whether he wants to spend the rest of his life with me, and we should have some time apart. He said that he wants to eventually move back to where I live, 3 hours away (I had moved with him, away from our hometown). He said we would get together and talk things over in a few months, but that we would keep in contact in the meantime.

 

I was really, really hurt, and I felt so rejected. I felt like I had been stabbed in the heart. I called him a week later, confused and crying, and I asked whether he intended to break up, or whether he would want me to move back in in a few months. Neither, he answered. He again said that he loves me and that he wanted to get back together and work things out eventually, but that he didn't want to live together for a while. I was sobbing like a fool but I couldn't help it.

 

After that phone call, he didn't contact me for 3 weeks. I called him and said "why don't you just break up with me?" I cried during that phone call, too, but only a little bit, because I was angry, too. I just wanted a straight answer out of him, because it felt like he was trying to break up but was just being a wimp. Again, he said that he loves me and that he wants to take me out to dinner in a few weeks and talk things over, to see whether we can work things out. He said that he had been purposely making an effort to not call me, but that he would call more frequently from then on. I said I was coming back for my things but he said it would have to wait because he was leaving town for a few weeks.

 

He did call a week later. I had just found a job, was feeling happy, and I wasn't missing him anymore (I didn't say that, but at least I sounded upbeat and casual on the phone that time).

 

I have been thinking about whether I want him back, and I'm not sure I do. My feelings were hurt so badly, but now I'm halfway over him already. I finally feel like I can move on.

 

Yesterday (another week later) he called me again. He was back at home, so I asked about getting some things that are still at his house (a lot of stuff), and he offered to drive the 3 hour drive with a truckload. I said that maybe I should go get it myself, thinking that I would rather do the packing. He said "it'll be nice to see you". I cringed inside. "Call me tomorrow and let me know when you can take a day to come up here", he said, sounding friendly and sweet. Of course I didn't call him today because I don't want to see him, and I am dreading to go back there to get my things.

 

I can't decide whether I want him back, or whether it is realistic that he will want to get back together and love me the way I would like to be loved. I am definitely not ready right now, and I don't even want to see him right now. But I have to get my things soon, don't I?

 

Any advice or insights would be appreciated.

[TaraMaiden]

He's being a bit of a player, and tried calling the shots. I find it a bit hard to believe he would remain celibate, devoted and faithful whilst being the one to determine when you two would get back together and when.

I really think you need to move on - and tell him you're not going to wait for things to develop.

You feel like he's out of your life, so you're going to live it.

 

The fact that he's willing to let you come and pick up your stuff, would indicate that he too is accepting things are breaking.....

 

take someone with you when you pick up your stuff.

preferably a new boyfriend. or someone he will or may assume is a new boyfriend.....

When you see him again, chances are all the old feelings will rush back.

But do you feel better without him now, or did you feel better with him then?

 

You sound upbeat and fine, to me!

[Cloudberry]

We were both unhappy with my not having a steady job for many months. I was really stuggling with a career change for a long time. He had a major stressful IRS situation that exploded the same day he said he wanted me to move out.

 

He actually isn't a "player". I'm the first serious girlfriend he's had, and we are both mid 30s. He said he has no intention of seeing other people, and I know he meant it, at least at the time he said it. Obviously we are going to eventually start dating other people if the separation continues, but for now, I'm pretty sure there is no one else. I absolutely will start dating other people, but I would rather get back together with my boyfriend. He assumes that I will wait for him.

 

I wish we were back together. He says he wants to talk, and see if we can work things out. But when I weigh his words against the actual events...I just don't see how we can be a couple when we live 3 hours apart.

[Cinnamon777]

I think that you need to listen to your intuition. If you are "dreading seeing him" then your body is telling you how you feel. You are half-way over him then you are already moving on at this point. It won't hurt to listen to him, but certainly keep your guard up. Pay attention to your body when you are around him... do you feel nauseous? Do you get a headache? Do you feel like running? Do you want to melt into his arms? Does your body feel warm and safe? Those kind of feelings will indicate how you are really feeling toward the situation.

 

One thing to think about though... if he asked you to leave when things were getting tough... he might do it again. Maybe not... maybe his time has made him realize how much he does want you in his life. As many poster on here have indicated, they didn't know how much they loved someone until that person was gone. You seem to still love him and if still loves you then I would work on things with him under the condition that you both are committed. It can't be one sided.

 

Since you are 3 hours apart, it will force you to take your time and not rush back together. You mentioned that he wants to move back to where you are... so the distance would only be temporary if you resolve to reunite. Many people have made long distance relationships work... there is a board on LS for that too.

 

Just pay attention to your intuition... it's usually right on about things.