I still can't believe it

[lilac]

Hello all. I am a new user, so please be patient with me.

Here's my deal...

I was in a 6 year relationship with my boyfriend. We had broken up previously 2 times due to him finding other women. Of course, he begged and pleaded to come back, promising he would never do it again. Dumb me...I take him back. Well, 3 years went by and everything was ok. We had lots of other issues that we fought about constantly. We didn't live together but it drove me crazy that he is totally irresponsible with money. He has a great job but never has any money. Oh, did I mention the drug problem? That's the reason there's no money. Now I know you are all probably wondering why I am not thanking my lucky stars that this loser is out of my life...I ask myself the same. The problem is I did love him and there was definitely a codependency thing going on with me because I was so sure I could make him see his potential and be the respectful, responsible b/f I knew he could be. Fast forward to Labor Day of this year. We break up and the NEXT DAY, he takes home a bartender from a local bar and spends the entire day in bed with her. (He was nice enough to tell me that). Anyway, they were together 24/7, she spent every night there from day one. A little background on her...she's 23 (we're 26), she's a HS dropout and has lived with 3 other guys already. Anyway, on with my saga...About a month after we break up, I'm out of town on a business trip and the ex calls me 4 days in a row crying on my shoulder. He misses me, he loves me, he thinks his new g/f is a slut (she is), he's embarassed to be seen with her, I'll never trust him again, he wants to see me when I get home, blah, blah, blah. Ok, I get home and he calls me to say he's sorry, he never should have called me and she is moving in with him. So it's now almost 4 months later and she has lived there since the day after we broke up. I know I shouldn't care, but it really is a slap in the face. I want to let it go but I think about it constantly. Has anyone ever heard of anything so crazy? How could he replace me so easily and love her so soon? Do you think he has completely forgotten about me? I haven't made any attempt to contact him and he hasn't either. From what others say, he appears to be very happy. One more thing, about a month ago, I was out with a friend and my cell phone rang at about 1am. My friend answered it for me and it was him. He quick said he was sorry and hung up. He called back 2 more times, but we didn't answer. That's the last I heard from him. Can anybody try to help me understand what he is doing? This really hurts.

 

Thanks.

[Debster]

this man is out of your life. I know it's hard but try not to think about him and this women. The next time you do, make yourself stop. Make a list of all of the things you didn't like about him. Whenever you find yourself missing him and having feelings for him, look at this list.

[midori]

Obviously this guy is very very messed up. There's no one at the helm at the moment, he's just ricocheting from one emotion to the next. He has no idea what he's doing, or why, at any given moment, and he has no concern for how his behavior affects others. There is no planning involved. From what I understand that's common for people who abuse drugs and/or alcohol -- it's about escaping reality, not dealing with your present life and the person you are.

 

You were not happy with him before this break up. He's irresponsible with money. He is a drug addict. These are not things that one grows out of: they require active, determined change, and that is usually the kind of thing that only takes place when a person has bottomed out and realizes that change is actually necessary. As long as there's a stable person in their lives chances are fairly good that change won't be necessary -- because the other person will fill in the cracks, pick up the pieces, etc.

 

How much was that relationship costing you? My ex boyfriend, for example, did not abuse drugs (while he was with me), but he engaged in more subtle forms of sabotage. He was an idiot about money. We started dating when I was 27. I'm 31 now, and if I met him today for the first time, the things that I saw back then as minor flaws that I could live with would be deal-breakers now. I've had such a hard time getting over my feelings of rejection, my anger that he never allowed me the opportunity to discuss our relationship with him, and my overall sense that he never gave me a fair chance. So I think I know how you're feeling right now.

 

But when I stop and think "what if?" (as in "what if he came back to me?"), after I imagine some gratifying scenarios of him grovelling and begging my forgiveness, I find myself left cold. Because ultimately in breaking up with me he did me a huge favor. I was at the time stuck in this mode of "relationship at any cost," swallowing all of my legitimate complaints and worries, and silencing huge parts of myself, just to keep the relationship alive. You know what? I don't want to be with a man as susceptible to hype and lacking in critical analytical abilities as my ex is. Whatever everyone else does, that's what he wants to be doing. I don't want to join forces with someone who can't open himself up wholly to one other person. In other words, all of the things that I found troubling from day one, were real problems -- I just chose to gloss over them. If things had worked out the way I'd wanted them to, I would now be married to a man whose investment strategy is "what's the buzz on this or that?" I'd be married to a man whose first and last thought is for himself, who would not be willing to help shoulder the daily, hourly burden of childcare. In fact, I would not be married to a man, but to a perpetual adolescent who's addicted to angst. My pride still smarts about feeling dismissed, but I'm much better off than I was with him.

 

When you're with someone you tend to blind yourself to their shortcomings -- because who wants to dwell on the bad parts of a situation (a relationship, a job, whatever), especially the bad parts that you know you can't change? That kind of thing is OK if you're dealing with a great guy who dresses like a potato and will resist any style changes you might suggest: his qualities far outweigh his weaknesses. It's OK to accept that his style is not going to improve with time. But the fact that you were implicitly willing to accept your ex's drug abuse (even though you know it's a scary thing) suggests to me that you also knew deep down that he wasn't going to change. Accepting someone's drug habit, infidelity, or stupidity with money must surely be a mistake. Don't you think? How much are you willing to suffer in the name of love?

 

I know first-hand how hard it is to be rejected by someone who by rights ought to adore you and want to devote himself to you forever. And you're right to think that he should adore you -- you're far above his touch. The flip side of that is that he is and always was actually UNWORTHY of you. You were allying yourself with someone who was guaranteed to make you unhappy.

 

Isn't it funny that some people (like me) are quite unwilling to tolerate minor flaws (like bad clothes, an obsession with working out at the gym, or a lackluster party personality), but when it comes to big, huge problems -- like money or drugs or openness -- we say, "Oh, well, he'll grow out of it." Guess what -- he won't!! Ten years down the road, would you rather be dealing with a pleated-chino wearing wallflower, or an untrustworthy coke-head? I'll take the wallflower. But it's taken me a long long time to realize why that's a better choice.

 

Your ex boyfriend sucks. You think he's happy with his slutty new girlfriend? Guess again. Check in with him in five years and see where he is. The thing is, in five years (and I'd be willing to bet in even two years) you won't care one bit where he is or what he's doing. In the meantime, do whatever you need to do to push him firmly out of your mind. And why not change your cellphone number, thus pre-empting any further middle-of-the-night drunk-and-despairing calls?

 

You are far better off. It'll take time to realize that. But you are.

[HokeyReligions]

Originally posted by lilac

Hello all. I Has anyone ever heard of anything so crazy? How could he replace me so easily and love her so soon? Do you think he has completely forgotten about me? Can anybody try to help me understand what he is doing? This really hurts.

Thanks.

 

I'm sorry it hurts but you must stop thinking about it and move on.

 

. . . ever heard anything so crazy? Sure - even without drug use, but with drugs that makes it worse.

 

Replace you? How did he replace you? Doesn't sound like he ever had you in his heart.

 

Love her? What love? If that's what love is to him why would you want any part of that? If it's just sex - well, do you want to spend your life being no more than a masterbatory tool for some junkie who doesn't really love you?

 

He was probably clinging to the only stability he allowed in his life and letting you take care of him and enable him.

 

Don't try to understand it - you can't. There is no explanation for the way a drug addicts mind works. Accept that you will not understand it and use that energy to focus on YOUR future.

 

You have learned a valuable and painful lesson - you can't change someone else no matter how much potential you see in them.

[lilac]

Hello all. I hope everybody had a happy and healthy holiday season. I wanted to say thanks to all who responded to my post titled "I still can't believe it" Tony, I would have liked a response from you, your cut-throat responses are the best. Midori, you are so sweet.

 

Anyway, it has been over 4 months since my loser boyfriend dumped me for some slutty bartender. Here's an update on him...I heard this stuff from a mutual friend by the way...I don't ask...they just can't keep his insane actions to themsleves. Well, his new girlfriend is a HS dropout, she drives a lunch truck and has Hepatitis C. Isn't that lovely? She's a drunk and a big user of crank. I guess she still lives with him...don't really know. One more thing, he's stopped paying bills b/c of his drug habit...his cell phone has been disconnected and the electric and cable has sent shut-off notices. His family has basically disowned him because he "forgot" to buy his sister a Christmas present. You all know how Christmas just sneaks up on ya! LOSER!!!

 

Anyway, thought those of you who have been scorned might appreciate this. This idiot did me a big favor. My mother would like to send him a thank you card! I didn't have to do anything and his life has gone downhill. I love it.

 

As for me, I am casually dating. Nothing serious...not in a hurry. I refuse to do the rebound like my stupid ex did with that whore. Anywho, please reply and laugh with me.

 

Hope everyone is doing well.