Long-Distance Breakup- What Gives?

[01golf]

So this is my first time posting on here; I've read some of the threads, and I've been talking to my own friends and family, and I still need some advice I suppose.

 

So here's the story.

 

I've been dating this girl for a little over three years. Before her, I had dated my high school sweetheart through a just past half of our Freshman year of college, and we had a rough, long breakup that took nearly a year.

 

From the ashes of that relationship, me and this girl started dating. I guess it kind of took meeting her, and getting involved, for me to really get over the other girl.

 

The new girl, she is awesome. She has a great taste in music, is in shape, and there was little or no drama, and she is foreign to my friends (most of my group of friends all went to the same high school.) She was fun, and easygoing. We both were cool with each other doing our own thing.

 

Anyways, we dated from I guess from pseudo-officially (neither of us really know) late November 2005 until March 1st of this year. Over the years, we never had huge problems. I did however, complain to my parents, about our communication problems; she would be obviously mad about things, but would not tell me for a few days. Whenever she was mad at me, it was my fault. I know where I messed up, but overall, I wasn't a bad boyfriend, especially as I grew more, and grew more in love with her.

 

Speaking of being in love with her, she told me she was, perhaps 6 months in? I botched that. I told her she was sweet, and held her. It took me a month, I think, to say it back. It's not a commitment thing; I just didn't want to jump into saying that if I wasn't sure I meant it. I didn't want to make the same mistakes I had with the first girlfriend.

 

So, anyways. She graduates college last May, I, unfortunately, had changed majors and been a bad/stupid student previously, and still had time. I was also going to be going to a school in the fall about an 1.5 hours away from where we were, probably the same distance from her parents house too. I was looking at probably 2 more years of school.

 

Anyways, she made up her mind around that time that she was going to go to a European country for a year, to teach English, with a friend of hers from her workplace. I supported her, and didn't argue. I thought we could do it.

 

As an aside, we had not really talked about marriage, nor our future really. We were fine living in the present. So in turn, we didn't really talk about what we were going to do for a while.

 

That summer was good, I think. We went to two weddings, and had a blast, and did some volunteer work in another we'd never been to for about two weeks. After much of the fun had ended, things started to become serious I guess. We were both realizing what we were up against.

 

The other girl backed out, but not with definition; she made it sound like she might still go, but after a few months, (while she was gone) my girlfriend quit emailing her about coming. So essentially, she went ther by herself.

 

The night before she left, I stayed at her parent's house with her, and let her cry in my arms. I think we had had the ol' DTR talk a little before, but we talked more about it. I was nervous, but tried to show strength, et cetera.

 

We also talked about the 'M word.' We hadn't really discussed that ever, and I told her I wasn't asking her to, but wanted an opinion. She responded how I expected I guess; we're too young, I like you though, et cetera. That was fine with me, as I wasn't sure myself, but I like her, and I love her, and I think I would like to marry her eventually. I'm trying for an ambitious school program once I graduate, and I wanted to wait to even really consider popping that question until I have at least a set plan for finances (i.e. get accepted; then I would at least have a method to achieve a career) She was dating me before I decided to pursue this, so 'future money' was not an issue and still isn't.

 

So I saw her off at the airport, and held back the tears (her mom was with us, but I did kiss her, and told her I loved her.)

 

I moved down to school, to live with this random guy. It turned out that he wasn't even a student anymore (dropped out I guess is the easiest label). Anyways, I wrote her often, real letters. Probably an average of 1 every 10-12 days or so. We messaged on facebook, and did video chat on Skype. The first month or so was really hard; I had gotten used to snuggling her to sleep every night, and the general routine. The letters we sent we SO awesome though. I go back and reread them, and she was so romantic and sweet. She was very horny (Crass, I know) over there, and missed me and my body. I could say the same for sure.

 

Trust was not really an issue ever. I would flirt with girls a little, but that was the worst of it. Most of her friends are guys anyways, so it's never been an issue I guess.

 

So she was to come home in December for a few weeks for Christmas. Our letters and messages were climbing towards the climax when we finally got to spend a night in each others arms.

 

She flew back through JFK, and got stuck there overnight, and was on limited communication (cell battery dying, et cetera) I had offered to her family to drive to whatever 'nearby' city to pick her up, even if it meant going all the way to New York.

 

She eventually was able to get a flight. I had bought her some thoughtful flowers, and brought a blanket and pillow for her in the car. Her flight was delayed a little, but she made it. We kissed, and I carried her bags and all. She looked tired, but great nonetheless.

 

Anyways, in the car, it was slightly awkward. we made out a bit, then I said 'Let's get you home.' She said 'I am home.'

 

Christmas was no picnic however. Her brother flew in from out of town (out of region really), and she I think felt a lot of pressure from her family to spend time with them, especially since her mom ponied up the big bucks to fly her back.

 

We got some time together, but she was in a funk. While Abroad, she'd gone off the pill, and she'd broken out a little, not to mention whatever hormone stuff was going on. she hadn't gotten to work out, and was worried about her appearance. I didn't care, but she did. Needless to say, it took some work for us to finally get to have sex. It felt like she was forcing herself to enjoy it, and not because I was bad at it. I liked pleasing her more than myself getting pleased (awkward sentence; sorry)

 

That was at my house at school. We went back to her parents for about 4 days. Those days got very stressful. We/I were stuck inside mostly. She wanted to/felt obligated to spend time with her family, and family friends. It was fun, but I was getting restless, fast. I wanted to go be with her, like we were in the summer. Like our own adults. I had trouble keeping my emotions down; I was really quiet, and She could tell I was annoyed. I was in a bind; I wanted to spend time with her, I was now going for minutes and hours rather than moments.

 

She left a few days after new years, under weird terms I suppose. Before we had been dreading that part, her leaving again, and for even longer. (6 months v. 4.5ish) But it wasn't as bad. I didn't go to the airport this time, but did hug her myself, kiss, the whole thing.

 

This was the decline. She seemed depressed after getting back there. She wrote me two letters, the first apologizing for Christmas. I apologized as well; it was a tough situation.

 

We go in a fight, I had told her that I was going to be busy the next day, so I wouldn't be able to talk. Instead of doing the school work I was supposed to do, I uploaded my weekend's pictures to facebook, and procrastinated otherwise. She sent me a message to the effect of 'I see you're much to busy to talk to me.'

 

I responded kind of harshly. I told her I wouldn't apologize, that I have a bad problem with procrastinating, (she knows that) but the night before I honestly expected myself to spend the day working.

 

Anyways, we traded emails, arguing a good bit. I told her I loved her so much, and that it was hard trying to set time out in my day, because she had been pretty 'dull' on Skype, not really having anything to say, or having much interest in what I had to say. I would try to have my computer on a lot to be there when she got on, but that also made it easier for me to goof off instead of study or work.

 

So anyways, that kind of died out without true resolution I guess. We moved to talking about me visiting for Spring Break. I was kind of holding out on telling her for sure if I was going, I kind of wanted to surprise her a little, but I eventually had to tell her. She felt bad, cause I traditionally don't have too much money. But I was willing and able to go.

 

So I had been going back to my hometown where all my friends were (where she went to college too) on weekends, because I didn't have friends here at school really, and my roommate had just been dumped, and hanging around at home, getting more and more annoying.

 

On the fateful weekend, I went home, she had been non-talkative or weird or whatever, as usual lately. On Sunday, I get an email "what are you doing tonight? are you in [hometown]? i think we need to

talk. I just got home from the gym and i'm going to shower and eat

with [roommate] but let me know what your day looks like. Hope your

weekend was good."

 

I could tell something was up, but I don't think I believed it I guess.

 

I got home as fast as I could, and set up my computer to talk.

 

She gets on and sits there, what looks to be holding back her tears for about 3 minutes.

 

"I. I don't think we need to be together anymore."

 

 

WHAT?!?!?

 

I was stunned. I was pissed. I was scared. I was sad. We talked about it until her internet went out (it does that). I called my mom and told her that she broke up with me. She calls my cellphone, and tells me to get back online, after I had put $20 on my calling card and tried getting her to no luck.

 

She had the internet back, and we talked for another hour or so. I asked her why, was there anyone else, was she pregnant, et cetera.

 

Overall, she said she just wasn't happy. I was not my fault though. She just wasn't happy with herself, and actually hadn't been since the summer. I couldn't believe it.

 

Regardless, I handled it as well I could. I threw stuff, and was visibly mad with her, but I told her I forgive her, and did not hate her. I think she expected me to, or wanted me to. I don't know. I didn't ask her to come back. I was mad at her because she did not even talk to me about it, much less anyone else (she said she talked to her friends over there, none of which know me from Adam. She had not talked to her sister or parents either.)

 

At the end, I told her I love her, and she said 'I love you too.'

 

I cried and gagged all night. I had a big chemistry test the next day too. I mad it through the test ok, but I did email her, 'begging.' I sent her a facebook message 'I want my life back, I love you.'

 

I cancelled our relationship status on facebook, and deleted everything off of mine, including pictures, and untagged myself in others. I also posted 'I broke up with ____. I'm sorry.' I didn't want any of my friends getting mad at her I guess.

 

She sent me an email about a week later: "I tried to catch you on gchat but I just missed you, or maybe you're not ready to talk. I don't really know what to say but I feel like I should say something. You know how sorry I am that this happened like this and I hate that I hurt you, but as much as it hurts now, I know this is the right thing.[A friend] is coming in tomorrow so I don't know when I'll be able to respond, but if you still have anything you

want to talk about I think we should. I don't want to be unfair but I

think it has been good that we haven't talked this week. We can't

hold on to this, but I don't want you to hate me and I don't want you

to have any unanswered questions. I hope you're taking care of

yourself and that things are getting better."

 

I responded: I have a letter coming to you. I'd like to know when you get it.

 

She caught me on G-Chat about 5 days later, feeling really guilty, but sticking with her original decision. She wanted to know how I was doing, and she was sad that she'd lost her best friend, and it was her fault. She was expecting me to hate her. I was quick with her, not wanting to get all whiny. I told her that I didn't want to talk until she got my letter, that that would clear things up. She obliged, but then asked me about school. I told her, as hard as it was, that I didn't think we should talk.

 

She sent me an email 6 days later, "I just wanted to let you know that I got your letter yesterday. I have read it but I haven't been able to respond yet. I have been really busy and there is a lot going on with work/family/friends and I'll write you back as soon as I can. I am leaving for the weekend in

the morning, so I might not get a chance to write you until next week,

but I just wanted to let you know. I hope you're doing well and that

school isn't too bad before spring break.

Talk to you soon- [her]"

 

It's now April 6th, and I have not gotten a letter.

 

So the letter I wrote her, was long, and good I think. I apologized for everything I felt I did wrong, Thanked her for all the memories, and for things about her, told her the things I loved about her, things I wished we could have done, or done more of, things I should have done, things I wished she would have done, et cetera. I told her I loved her, and would be honored at a second chance with her. I closed with something to the effect of 'I hope you can find what you're looking for out there. You're strong, and you'll do great. I release you.' And, of course, 'I love you.'

 

So I have not tried to talk to her. I've been struggling with facebook however; I had a bunch of melodramatic quotes or lyrics on there about love, women, or heartbreak. I've taken a bunch of them down since, and replaced them with empowering stuff, and filled all the other stuff back out that I had originally, sans pictures.

 

I've had trouble though, looking at her facebook page, trying to see what she's up to, or what she might be thinking.

 

I have not talked to her, nor her family (they liked me, and I actually don't think that they know yet.)

 

I have been talking to my Mom a lot and aunt, as well as my best friend (not the gf of course) and I also have told all of this to a counselor at school.

 

I've been dealing with this in I think a positive way; I have not drank much really, eating better, praying, and most importantly, not filling this void with other women. I think it will be good for me to not replace her with just some other warm body, even if that warm body has a good personality. I feel like I'm breaking an addiction; being with another woman will not help me.

 

I've gotten actually better control over my life, made some good changes, and they are sticking. For Spring Break, I went to DC and New York City, both places I've never been before. I went by myself, but stayed with a friend in each place, but they both have real jobs, so I might has well have been on my own. New York made me feel like a real adult, being able to handle it, but I felt extremely lonely.

 

On the way back though, I read through this book that helped me through the first breakup, 'Wild at Heart.' I'm no evangelical, but this book really speaks to me, and hits me in the heart. I felt great getting back; I was able to 'embrace this uncertainty' of not having a clue about the future. I've been 'writing her,' I write her a letter, more of a diary entry, every so often, but don't send it.

 

This confidence I had though, is waning I fear. I am still ok with not knowing what's going to happen, but I'm still in limbo about this letter I'm supposed to get. I know I have to read it, and I'm afraid it's going to hurt again, but I will read it. However, I've kind of gotten used to being totally in the dark about this.

 

I still am confused about why she decided to do this, and sad/mad that I am totally helpless. I could literally never see her again; she could stay in Europe, or move somewhere else whenever she gets back. I also have been getting jealous, her friends (2 girls) have gone to visit her now. I'm mad I didn't/couldn't, and I worry that they might go do 'girls night out,' and get her drunk and with some slick slickster. I can usually push this away too, but that kills me. It seems like once a week, I kind of lose it, and get really mad/sad, for a few hours, but am fine after that.

 

I don't know what my overall questions are. I want to hold out for her till she gets back (September I guess, she was planning on extending her stay a little, but I have no clue) I have this image of her showing up at my apartment one day, and us both hugging and crying and making up, but I know that I shouldn't count on that (I'm not but it pops up.)

 

The thing I fear the most is being alone, so I'm trying to conquer that; I want to get a single bedroom this fall, and I've been trying to enjoy as much as I can by myself. I'm not shutting out my friends or family though. It took guts doing my New York trip; a few days ago I went and free climbed a ~100 foot rock face (that means no ropes, no safety equipment.) I had climbed it before, and aced it, but not without such high stakes. I'm not planning on risking death a lot, but I feel that risking death makes you alive. Not every day of course, but I felt that attempting such a crazy stunt would help me out. It did I think.

 

The problem is that I can handle physical fear, and suspend the fear of the physical pain or whatever, but I still get scared of this relationship stuff.

 

Every so often, I get a little thought in my head about her with some other man, and can get worked up on that, or get sad missing her with me.

 

I know that time is supposed to heal, and I'm trying to spend it wisely, but at school, my roommate has blown all of last week playing video games or trying to learn lame songs on his guitar, or trying to pick up girls at the bar. It's rubbing off on me; I feel like just as much of a loser as he is sometimes, just for living with him, because I can see his weakness in myself at times.

 

I'm getting tired of having to talk to someone almost everyday about this, or writing everyday about this, or crying, or missing her, or whatever. I just want things back to normal, either back with her, or to be fine by myself on my own.

 

I've told people that I'm not waiting for her, but that I kind of am. I feel like she just needs time and space, which I can give her, but that she still loves me. I feel like that may be delusional, but at the same time, we had a lot of good things going. Regardless, I do not plan on 'hooking up' with any girls, or even trying to date I guess until she at least gets back (I'm not sure if I'll know, but September I guess) I feel like I need to challenge myself to be alone for at least 6 months, to learn how to be ok by myself, with myself. If she want's to get back together, and If I still have these feelings for her, I will. But I'm trying to make myself let her go. Hopefully that makes sense.

 

I feel like I'm supposed to learn something here, in this time by myself. I plan on going on more trips, and getting better with money, health, and being 'charming' again; I feel like our relationship was getting a little to serious, not as fun as it could have been.

 

Anyways, Does anyone have any input? I feel like I'm kind of going off the deep end, but in a positive way (my best friend was very impressed by the ballsy climb I did) doing healthy things, or trying to improve myself; maybe I'll be more whole for the next woman, not so 'dependent.' This break up really took my life and turned it upside down. My whole routine is off. But I'm finding it easier at times to tolerate, but being at home with my roommate is killing me. I feel so lonely, restless, lazy, or angry. I cannot keep finding new things to do or learn to take up the time. I kind of feel like I should sit and think about it, but I also have to get on with my life. I'm just scared of the present. The future I know will be ok, but dealing with the imminent loneliness is tough, and I'm afraid I'm running out of options to abate loneliness.

 

I worry about her, I wonder why she did this, if she still loves me, if we'll ever be together again, et cetera. I try not to, but they pop up every now and then. I do pray for her nightly however. I feel like that's the best I can do.

 

I also feel like 'ignoring her' is the best thing I can do if I want to even try and get her back. Additionally, if I can ignore her, perhaps I'll be over her eventually, and then she may come back, or I'll find someone else, either way it will be good.

 

But I do get the idea that I could just show up over there one day and sweep her off her feet, but with the conditions of this break up, I don't think it would work.

 

 

Sorry for the ridiculously long post too! I feel like most of it was relevant...

[EmperorR]

Never beg, accept it how it is and let go.

 

Go no contact work on yourself, give your emotions time to calm down, see what led to the breakup and what can you do to change it.

[01golf]

The thing is, I don't really think/ can't tell if I did anything... I mean I guess I may have pressured her inadvertently, but I really think it was just on her end...

 

It's been really annoying because it seems like there is indeed nothing I can do, but nothing I could have done differently. I cannot change anything about myself to reconcile this. I'm pretty much helpless. That can be a blessing, I guess, since my side of the street is clean, but I wish there is something that I could change about myself/ or could have done differently... does that make sense?

[01golf]

Bump... I'm feeling really weird right now.

 

I'm angry; I acted weird around her family over Christmas, and I'm thinking that it probably made her breaking up with me look justified. I'm also mad that she didn't even talk to me about it, she just did it. On top of that, a few of my friends are bugging me- One brought up me getting back with my ex (the first one), and others just aren't very understanding... I loved that girl so much, and did so much for her and our relationship, and people are nonchalant about it, almost acting like they saw it coming or, I take it like they didn't think we/I was very serious...

[Island Girl]

It is best for you not to be in contact.

 

So that you are doing right.

 

And the writing journal/letters but NOT sending them is good too.

 

But you have got to quit telling yourself that you may get back together. That September is some kind of hopeful deadline where the two of you will be reunited.

 

Do not look at her facebook. As much as you may want to it takes your progress away. Some go back to square one , some don't - but no matter which they are if something gets posted from her that is leading, etc. then you will be taken back to square one.

 

Just don't do that to yourself.

 

The fear of being alone is probably really strong for you because you haven't been truly alone for quite some time.

 

You will weather this storm and be better for it.

If you find yourself thinking about her and dwelling on it take a job around the block.

 

It will get easier.

 

But like I said quit sabotaging yourself by looking at her facebook.

If you are posting on your - post what you want to say without her in mind. If you find yourself thinking "I wonder what she is going to think reading this" post nothing.