forgiving myself

[waiting13]

ok so here's my story and its really long so please read...

 

im 19. and i never had a boyfriend stick around for long, the most is three months.

so my last boyfriend, i met him, and we hit it off and talked for two months getting to know each other and then we finally started dating.

i knew he had a past and i was ok with it because i didnt know it in detail and i was happy that way.

when we started dating, it was about two weeks before i started my freshman year of college. now my senior year of high school i had became a kinda bitter because my junior year i had a relationship that really messed me up cuz i tried to be friends afterwards and it just prolonged my feelings and it made me suffer so i cut that off.

so anyway, before i started dating this guy, i thought maybe i shouldnt because college and new guys and new experiences and everything but i really liked this guy so i decided to give it a shot. and besides im not one for random hook ups, ive had like two in my life and i didnt feel good after either one.

so i gave him a shot and i fell for him and i had sex with him, i was a virgin before him so it was a big deal for me to trust him enough with that and i loved him so it was what i had been waiting for. i wanted to be in love with my first.

so i dont really remember how but we got to the topic of how many people he had been with, and i personally just wanted a number, no details because sometimes he would hint at the things he had done and it didnt make me feel good at all. i felt like he was being a real idiot by not noticing that his hints hurt me.

but anyway, instead of just giving me a number, he tells me his whole history with names and everything. it bugged me because not only would he hint to his past all the time but he still was friends with all of his exs and all of the girls he slept with.

i told him it bugged me about a week after he told me and he kinda made it about himself. he told me he shouldnt have said anything and that he didnt like his past himself but its his past and he learned to accept it and then he said he was going to take a walk.

i felt horrible for making him feel bad. but he still continued to talk about them and brag about them to me. i was his girlfriend not his homeboy that he could brag about how many girls hes been with, i didnt understand what was wrong with him.

so i meant me telling me to cut it out as a warning to if he didnt stop it, i'd have to end it. because its one thing that people have a past, its another to keep mentioning it to your current girlfriend. but i knew it was a defense mechanism because he had been really hurt in the past by girls and this personality of being a guy who sleeps around was how he could sleep around and not feel anything.

but anyway i was pretty depressed for a while because he continued to do what bugged me and my friends tried to help me. and it didnt make it any better when he went out dancing with his friends which included the girl he slept with before me. but he still was a nice guy to me when the defense mechanism would disappear.

After about three weeks of this, my friends were sick of seeing me this sad so they decided a night of hanging out and drinking with friends could help. There was this game of spin the bottle and i pecked one of my guy friends on the lips and it didnt really bother me and i didnt really think of it

Later in the night, I hadnt eaten anything and we decided to drink. Now one of my guy friends was extremely nice to me the whole time i had been depressed over this guy. I got drunk really fast and I dont really remember anything but my friend told me I made out with him.

Now i felt horrible because i did love my boyfriend of that time and even tho he was being stupid by mentioning his past to me all the time, i knew he loved me too.

I was honest with him about it because i felt lying to him would just be plain wrong. Thats when i saw how much he really did love me because he cried and he was really mad at me. But he agreed to try to give me a second chance. So i felt good and i decided to really put my whole heart into making it work.

But two weeks later, he calls me drunk (we're both very horrible when we've drank), and he broke up with me because he felt like he couldnt get the picture of me kissing someone else out of his head and he could forgive me but he just couldnt forget it.

now i felt awful because i knew what i did was wrong and he had every reason to leave me.

 

Now its been over a year since he left. and hes tried to be my friend ever since and im the kind of person that doesnt think exs have any place in my life. all of them have left me so im always the one hurt and im always the one left to pick up the pieces of my heart and whenever i try to be friends with them i suffer because i still like them and i know they dont want me.

 

but for some reason with this ex, i cant seem to just cut him off. i know he believes in keeping me as a friend because he said that maybe we could date in the future and maybe we just need to mature and he really thinks im an awesome person, he calls me beautiful and brilliant all the time. and he tells me he cares and to bundle up when i go outside and to let him know when i get home if im out late. he told me he thinks he really was an idiot while with me and acted the way he did because he didnt want to fall for me even tho he did.

 

and i spoke to him last night about trying again and he said he doesnt feel that way. it hurts. he was really mean to me afterwards and i know he was hurt. i hate that side to him and especially because right after we broke up, he called me drunk that same week bragging to me he got to make out with the chick that would always flirt with him at work. i know he did that to hurt me and it did hurt. especially since he had a huge thing with her from when we broke up which was end of october 2007 that lasted mid-2008 and he thought he was completely in love with her. and to be honest, she didnt want him because she would never date him and would always go back to her exboyfriend.

 

i felt like wow he could give her so many chances but not me?

 

and i just dont know what to do. i have kissed other people since him, theres been two guys since him, one guy really fell for me and i couldnt fall for him, it was a long distance relationship for four months and it eventually ended with us having sex and he was a virgin. i dont regret it because i did like him alot, i just couldnt fall for him. and the other guy, i thought i could really fall for him and things went really slow for a while and when we finally kissed he just disappeared. i dont really consider either of those two guys a boyfriend.

 

and now this ex is back in my life, talking to me whenever he gets a chance and hes just genuinely trying to be my friend.

 

and i still blame myself for him leaving cuz i was the one to cheat and i was the reason.

 

i know this post is really long but i could really use some help because im tired of blaming myself and feeling horrible and guilty. and i dont think i could cut him out of my life cuz we're really good friends.

 

but i cant keep feeling like this, its been so long. we broke up in october of 2007 and its february of 2009, i cant keep doing this to myself.

[waiting13]

i really need some help forgiving myself.

 

someone please comment.

[Joker77]

Quit beating yourself up. You need to find activities to keep your mind busy and off the situation.

[waiting13]

i do. i hang out with friends and stuff. homework doesnt distract me from thinking about it, i feel like trying to do my homework makes it harder.

 

its just so hard for me because i think i messed up something that could've been really good.

[Ronni_W]

i think i messed up something that could've been really good.

Well, it is possible that you DID do exactly that.

But regretting the consequences of your prior actions isn't serving any useful purpose. In fact, it is only making you feel worse and unable to fully live and enjoy your life in the present, and make plans for your future.

 

Self-forgiveness is about forgiving the Self for being human...for not knowing better, and making mistakes, and acting without thinking, and hurting the Self and others. THAT is what humans do, and it is what humans aspire to stop doing.

We have lapses in judgment, and weaknesses, and fears. Self-forgiveness is about saying, "I am okay being human; and all I can do is the very best that I know how to do, and keep working on improving the things that I want to improve." (It's not, obviously, an excuse to just keep engaging in the same crappy behaviour and hurting others and then brushing it off with, "Oh, that's cos I'm human.")

 

Most often with self-forgiveness, it is suggested to also keep a "gratitude journal". There are a number of online articles. Google, or check this one:

http://www.simpleabundance.com/gratitude_journal.html

 

If you think about your Self as a separate 'entity', you'd be wanting to get to a place where you can say something like, "Self, you messed up something that could have been really good. But you know what? That's okay that you did that. You didn't know any better back then. You didn't know that you'd later regret the consequences. Obviously you would've done something different if you'd been aware of all the repercussions.

"Self, all you can do now is to look forward, and make a commitment to think more carefully about your actions when you're in a relationship, and not drink to the point where you lose control.

"Self, I am not going to keep abusing you, judging and blaming and criticizing you. I'm sorry I've been doing that. As if me doing that is going to undo anything. I'm going to stop my self-abusive behaviour, and start focusing on how to be happy again."

 

Using your own words, I'd suggest to write something down, and read it to your Self as often as you can. Out loud, in front of a mirror, three times in a row...whatever feels like it will help the words "sink in" to your conscious and subconscious minds. Even if you don't believe ALL of it, at first.

 

Another way to look at it is that there is no other SANE option but to get okay with your past behaviour and accept whatever it cost you.

To do anything else is basically to resist Reality. Right now, your situation is what it is. Use your mind/intellect to keep reminding yourself that you CANNOT change the past but you do have it in your full power and control to accept what is, and to improve what is gonna be.

 

Change what you CAN change rather than focus on what you can't -- that's the only healthy and sane thing to do, when you really think about it.

[waiting13]

thanks. i mean i already do that. but i have my moments where i really think that i did deserve a chance and that i wouldnt have done it again. and he gave so many other girls before and after me chances, but i didnt get one.

 

it makes me feel worthless. and i know i have worth but i cant help it

[Ronni_W]

Okay. So, that sounds as if you actually have already forgiven your Self for your actions -- even though you don't like the outcome, you're okay with the fact that you made a mistake. Is that accurate?

 

And it sounds as if you are NOT okay with HIS decision to not give you a second chance, and are turning his decision into a worthiness issue for your Self. Have you considered, though, that his decision is/was based on your BEHAVIOUR, not on your worthiness and value as a human being?

 

It would appear that, at that time, he did not value, FOR HIMSELF, to have a g/f who gets drunk and makes out with another guy. That is, he felt that HE was worth more than being treated like that. Isn't it more likely that he made his decision in context of HIS OWN worthiness, and not as a reflection on yours?

 

Also, maybe the difference is that those girls before and after you didn't get drunk and make out with another guy?

 

OTOH, even if they acted EXACTLY as you did but he made a different decision, that still indicates something about him, not about you. Depending on his age, possibly he was/is still exploring and establishing his set of personal values and deal-breakers, and what he will and will not put up with in his own life and relationships. Which, obviously still has NOTHING to do with you and/or the other girls.

 

As you say, you know that you have worth. And even if he does not see/acknowledge your inherent worthiness, that does not mean that you somehow "lost" it just because of your one action or just because he does not agree with your opinion that you "deserve" a second chance.

 

That part of your mind that is trying to tell you that your actual worthiness is somehow connected to his (or anyone else's) opinion about it, is misguided. His opinion cannot add to or detract from the fact that you are an important individual, and worthy of all the same things as everyone else.

[waiting13]

they actually all acted worse than me.

 

and like i owned up, and when we talked he said i was different than the other girls he's dated.

 

but i just cant help like i didnt mean anything and he meant alot to me.

[Ronni_W]

But. Apparently HE did not feel that they acted "worse than" you. The evidence is not backing up your belief about that.

 

but i just cant help like i didnt mean anything and he meant alot to me.

Okay -- now you are getting somewhere . Cos you've arrived at the awareness that it is NOT a self-forgiveness issue and it is NOT a worthiness/self-esteem issue.

 

It's that you don't know if, at the end of the relationship, you guys have the same perspective of what the past relationship meant to the individual participants.

 

Which is easier to deal with, really. Follow lines of self-questioning like:

~ How does it change your CURRENT life and circumstances if he meant more to you than you meant to him?

~ What is compelling you to want to tie YOUR significant experiences with his (or anyone else's)?

~ What is stopping you from exercising your own power and authority to determine what are your own meaningful feelings and relationships?

~ How is wondering about what is HIS Truth (perspective) about it helping YOU to create the happy and successful life that you deserve, that I assume that you want to have?

~ What is making it so that YOUR Truth alone isn't good enough for you?

 

Somebody else posted that his thoughts about his ex were like slow poison. The thing is that, since we are each in charge of and responsible for our own thoughts, it is self-poisoning to hang onto the SAME thoughts that make us feel lousy...that is self-abuse. And it prevents us from enjoying our current life and planning our future happiness...that is self-sabotage.

 

So, we either choose to stop mistreating our Self and learn the tools and techniques to interrupt those types of thoughts, OR we just keep slowly poisoning ourselves with our self-pitying thoughts of having been victimized and treated unfairly in the past, and not having our feelings reciprocated the way we originally thought or would have preferred.

 

As much as it may feel that it sucks, THOSE are your options. Now it just depends on how you assess them, and on which one YOU decide is more likely to support YOUR future happiness and success.

[waiting13]

i think for them to sleep with someone else is worse. he knows one of them treated him really bad but he stuck with them.

 

i'm not sure. i just feel like i wanted to try again and he didnt and i know its cuz of what i did.

 

i mean i feel guilty for what i did still. i have forgiven myself because i know i am human and i make mistakes. i have changed my drinking habits and everything of that sort. i dont regret telling him. i just dont know what to do about being his friend. and i cant help but feel i of all the girls honestly deserved a chance.

[sedgwick]

Why would you WANT to be with a guy who was always bragging about all the other girls he'd been with? I have a feeling that was at least partly what drove you to make out with the other guy.

[waiting13]

Why would you WANT to be with a guy who was always bragging about all the other girls he'd been with? I have a feeling that was at least partly what drove you to make out with the other guy.

 

 

that was his defense mechanism. he would stop it and be honest with me about how he felt. like i knew he loved me, he was just scared to fall for me cuz he thought he'd get hurt and he did. :/