Can't let go--Need Help

[Burned again]

Hi everyone, this is my first time posting on the new forum, i used to post on the old one a lot though. Well, how do i begin?..Here goes..

 

I met this guy 2 years ago. We started off as a casual relationship, on his terms, saw each other occasionally, usually just to make out or what not. I really liked this guy and believed that one day things could possibly get more serious between us. I rationalized the situation and stuck it out. We continued to see each other of course and for the last two years we've been together. There have been numerous fights and incidents that have proved to me I have been with an a**h***. Alas though, I never left him.

 

As the months went on, our relationship became somewhat more serious. Funny thing, it took me a year and half to have sex with him (mostly because I was a virgin), and since we've been sleeping together since the beginning of 2002, he became more serious about me. Unfortunately, not serious enough for me. He was still a jerk to me and i wasn't treated the way I expected to be treated. Alas, again, I never left him although I tried many, many, many times..he would charm his way back into my life and my heart.

 

Anyways, at the beginning of the summer, I couldn't take the fighting and disrespect any more..i suggested we part for a while to see if we were really together cuz we wanted to be or because we were attached to one another (although I suspected I new the answer already). We didn't see each other for about a month and I'm not sure what he was doing during that month. He'd still call now and then though and then one day he asked me to get together and I agreed. Thereafter, we started to see each other again but this time things were different..we would have a nice time when we were together but then he wouldn't call for a week! And he always WANTED SEX when we saw each other. This once-a-week deal went on for a while (I would complain and ask questions but kept putting up with it- I know STUPID ME).. I wanted so bad to believe in this guy..I accepted all his excuses of being busy or whatever.

 

So, final straw..we celebrated our two year anniversary a few weeks back..had a GREAT time together and spent the night with each other. That same evening I was using his cell and noticed a new girls phone # in the directory. I said nothing to him but copied down her # for future reference if necessary.

 

He didn't call for a week and a half after that weekend together. At that point I knew this "new girl" was more than a friend. I did some investigating and found out he was cheating on me with her. I found the balls to call her myself and we talked about it a lot..she was actually a nice person and had had no idea i existed. He had told her i was his ex that he had no interest in but couldn't find the nerve to finally cut off! Hearing that made me feel like ****. I was in love with this guy and this is what he had said to her..she said they had been seeing each other for a few weeks and that they were becoming close, they're relationship was not purely sexual (they'd slept together once) but more like the beginning of something more. I felt even worse after hearing that since I realized he was starting to like this girl. As the conversation went on, things came out and it was apparent that he had treated her better in the short time that he knew her than me in the time we were together.

 

When he realized he had been busted, he began calling obsessively trying to talk to me..I ignored him for some time but then finally took his call and told him it was over. He started saying it was a big mistake, how he really wants me not her, blah blah blah.. Later i found out that he also called the "other girl" and tried to tell her that I was NOTHING to him. Anyways, needless to say I felt sad, used, you name it i felt it. I was so angry with myself that I had allowed things to get to this point.. I was mad that I still loved him and felt like I had lost out to some other girl.

 

Well, she blew him off and then he started calling me again.. At first I was strong but then slowly he started wearing me down, and I began to miss him badly..I would listen to his explanations saying that he started seeing the other girl because he had doubts about us and all our fighting, so on and so forth.. I don't know what the HELL is wrong with my mind. Absolutely all of my friends gave me the best advice, told me that i am too good for him but for some reason i was slipping back into his trap. Well, last weekend I had a major relapse..I agreed to see him after he persisted..i told him that i wanted to start from scratch again, that i didn't trust him right now and was very disappointed in him but that i wanted to see if we could get past this.

 

We went out for the evening to an amusement park, had a good time together and it was nice. We had a little physical contact, like holding hands, which was cool with me.. just the pace i wanted to go at. Regardless, at the end of the evening he tried to get sexual and put the moves on. I told him NO and that he couldn't just pick up where we had left off that easily. He got extremely UPSET with me..started saying things like i had tricked him and how he had wasted his time that night..cruel things. He was saying how we weren't compatible and how i was denying him sex. I said to him, "If were not compatible, then why the heck are you calling me?"..He replied, "Because I'm in love with you"..All lies as far as I'm concerned..

 

His behaviour that evening showed me that he is using me for sex, I am a back up for him and he doesn't care about me in reality..I'm very mad at myself for even forgiving him after he cheated on me as I'd always said that I would never forgive such a thing. I'm beating myself up for being a fool, but I'm mostly mad because he's got such a hold on me and when he calls I go running..I don't know how to stop this vicous cycle I've caught myself in..I don't understand how I could have spent two years out of my life with a guy and allowed him to use me at his convenience. I need help here..I need to know how to save myself from this mad cycle.

 

I know there are other guys out there, but I can't let go..and he's making a fool out of me. Somebody help?

[beaker]

I'm sure others will provide more in-depth advice, but I have to throw in my two cents here.

 

I don't know what the HELL is wrong with my mind

Well I do, at least in part. You have NO self-respect or you wouldn't keep coming back for more. Your actions are those of someone desperately seeking validation, and you keep letting him back for "one more chance" because you can't bear the thought that the last two years and your first serious relationship have been wasted on a dud. Even though your head obviously knows this guy is outrageously misbehaving -- you even say so a dozen times in your post -- your heart has other ideas.

 

Well I've got news for you kid (incidentally, are you a kid? I sure hope this can be put down to inexperience). I am not the last word on every relationship situation, but I know this much: hearts are dumb. Your heart provides energy, inspiration and motivation, but it does NOT make decisions for you!!! That's what your brain is for. Letting yourself be swept along with cries of "I can't help it" and "I should let go, but I can't" is a load of crap. It is impossible to behave like that and not be burned horribly in the inevitable crash.

 

What you're doing right now is like jumping in a car, stepping on the accelerator very gently (we're being cautious here, after all)... then refusing to touch the steering wheel. It doesn't matter that you're stepping gently on the gas; if you don't take some responsibility and provide direction for yourself, you will slowly speed up and crash heavily into something sooner or later. Probably sooner. A crash is an absolute certainty.

 

You absolutely, unquestionably, irrefutably, indisputably DO have the ability to walk away and let go. It requires that you stop seeing him (now!), that you stop talking to him (now!) and that you don't make plans to restart these activities after some undefined but probably way-too-short "cooling-off period". You need a clean break. Obviously nothing else has worked. You owe this to yourself.

 

If he calls, tell him politely that you think it would be best for you if you don't speak to him for the forseeable future, as this has only made you very unhappy in the past. Then hang up. Don't listen to him when he says "...but, wait! I need to talk to you!" Be polite, but just hang up!! His only motive for talking with you at this point is to screw with your head more. The same goes for email. If he sends you an email don't even read it -- delete it!

 

If you cut him off completely, and you get out and try to have a good time without him, I guarantee that you will totally get over him with time. It might take a few months, but it WILL HAPPEN. Tell your friends that this is what you're trying to do and I bet they'll help you any way they can.

 

If you do this, a year from now you'll look back and wonder why on earth you didn't do it sooner.

[midori]

It's hard to let go of someone you love, or think that you love. I agree with the above post inasmuch as I think you should cease all contact with this guy. He might not be deliberately trying to mess with your head, but you surely know that his intentions aren't good. At best he's calling and emailing because it has worked in the past. This sounds like a very very selfish, thoughtless guy, very immature. Do you know what small children are like, or dogs? If in the past whining or begging has netted them the thing they want, they will keep on whining and begging, even if it doesn't seem to be working. The more that behavior has been rewarded in the past, the longer they will persist.

 

This guy will keep it up for as long as he believes it will get him what he wants. You've relented in the past, so he will persist longer. Don't take that persistence as a sign of change in him, determination to win you back, or overdue recognition of how wonderful you are. In his mind it's still ALL about him.

 

He doesn't know you. No matter how much you've shared with him, whether or not he knows what your favorite band is, or how many kids you'd like to have someday, or how much you hate horror movies. He doesn't know who you are because he's incapable of knowing people beyond their capacity to get him what he wants. Again, think of a small child. None of this has anything to do with you actually. It's not your fault that he doesn't know you. He's simply not grown up enough to know you.

 

Change your phone # if you can. Set up your email account so that anything sent from him will be automatically deleted. If he's still managing to get through to you, hang up the phone without a word. He deserves no further explanations (a complete idiot would know what's wrong, he doesn't need to be told; if he does it's because he's deliberately blind to his bad behavior). He's had more than enough chances. Shut him down completely: because he deserves it, because you're vulnerable to him, and because it's the only way he'll ever leave you alone.

 

And when he does finally leave you alone, don't take that as a sign that he has learned his lesson. It will be dreadfully hard for you to do this, I know, believe me. But it's necessary, because of who you are (trusting, too optimistic about his intentions and capacity to actually engage in a relationship), and because of who he is (utterly untrustworthy and completely unable to engage in a relationship). Make yourself this promise: you will accept no overtures from him, nor will you seek him out, for the next 3 years. 3 years might seem like a long time, but it's time you need to make sure you're in the clear, no longer vulnerable to him. And it's the minimum amount of time (and probably not enough) that he'll need to grow into someone worth knowing in any capacity. If all goes well, in far less than 3 years' time you won't care at all about him, and it won't matter to you one way or another if you & he ever speak again.

 

Do this for real: tell any mutual friends that you are avoiding him, that they are not to share any information about you with him. If his calls get too harassing, break the silence once to tell him that you've been keeping track of his unwanted calls and will be notifying the police the next time he tries to get in touch with you via any medium. If he has been told that you don't want to hear from him, continuing to do so amounts to harassment, which can be a serious problem. To be honest, I doubt that it will get that far. Once he realizes that he's not going to get what he wants, you won't hear from him again. And that will hurt too. But it's better to know the truth, and that knowledge and the pain that accompanies it will ultimately help you get over him. Just remember, he never treated you well. You weren't happy when you were with him.

[clia]

Awesome advice, Beaker! I totally agree!

[Paul]

Originally posted by Burned again

Hi everyone, this is my first time posting on the new forum, i used to post on the old one a lot though. Well, how do i begin?..Here goes.

 

Welcome back!

[Jonarsh]

judging from the storey...and from a guys point of view...I just think that he's clearly using you as a sex object, something to satisfy his sexual urges.

 

Y does a guy like a women? ok, heres the break-down:

70% lust, 20% companionship and 10% commitment. Of course not all guys are like that...its on a general basis

 

I've been where you are, take a look at my post n you'll know. I also know how u are feeling inside right now. Its very hard for you to let go, even encouragement from friends or reading posts from here don't really help, it'll only console you...trust me...when he calls, and asks you to meet him, you will definitely be available...right?

 

You know the answer all along that he isn't worth all this, but you just want to blind yourself into believing that he might turn into a new leaf...thats why you forgave him and gave him so many chances.

 

There is only person who can help you thru this..that is YOU!!!

I would only suggest to follow your heart, do what you have to do...everybody has their dignity and pride, if you continue to let him use you and hurt you, you will lose your dignity and self-respect till a time where you will tell him to **** off! This only happens when all of that runs out in you, you won't look for him anymore, i gurantee. I guess thats the only solution.....

 

We know the pot is hot, yet we still wana touch it!...

 

Jo.

[East_Works]

What about you Jonarsh?Have you solve your own problems yet?

[Ally Boo]

I've kinda been in a similar situation as you. I think it's obvious that he's using you. And the MAIN problem here is that he KNOWS you'll come back every time. You'll just have to sit down and do some thinking, make yourself realize that he really didn't love you and it was all a lie. Cut him off COMPELTELY. If he calls or comes by, don't answer. Maybe even tell a white lie to him that you are seeing someone else. Whatever you have to do...get him away from you. Then look inside and find out why you let this happen.

 

For guys to respect us, we have to set boundaries. And in your next relationship...no matter HOW much you LOVE him, set boundaries, so that he'll respect you for them and know what's ok and what isn't ok.

[Jonarsh]

East_Works,

nah...i haven solved my problems yet, I'm in s lose lose situation...I'm prepared to sacrifice...meaning that I'll just silently carry on to be her back-up unit till she gets over everything...i know this sound stupid, but iI really ilke her a lot thats why I'm prepared to do this...when she gets over everything, become happy again..then I'll leave her...I think....

 

I don't want to see her in this state, coz i hurt s me also to see her like that..

 

Jo.[size=0]

[jenny]

Hey girl. Ive been there, hell he may be the guy I was dating! I dated a guy that did the same thing to me. Reading your story made me remember everything he did to me. Im still not over him. I still go running when he calls! He got me pregnant and left me! I had an abortion and now he feels sorry for himself over it. He says now that he loves me and mad a huge mistake. I love him and miss him and also love being w/him! He hurt me so much and made such a fool out of me! But one thing my mother told me is a man will do what a woman will let him do. I let him do a lot, like you did. But girl theres a time to end it. No matter how hard you should stop now. It hurts worse the longer you wait! TRUST ME! You'll be fine and he WILL be sorry! You seem like a nice person and God intends for you to find mister right, thats why it didnt work. Or at least thats what I like to think, it gets me through the day! Dont give in!

Good luck

Jenny

Ps keep your head up!

[Just A Girl2]

I know exactly how u feel. I wasn't exactly treated badly by the guy i dated, but he dumped me for someone else and i still want him back.

 

Here is my complete post:

 

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I had made fairly good friends with a guy i was interested in while at the end of a long-term relationship. Once the long term relationship ended i quickly started to date this new guy, Mr X. The new guy had told me that he wasn't looking for a serious relationship because he was in a serious relationship (over a year long) before me and hurt himself and the other person when he ended the relationship. At the time i also wasn't wanting a serious relationship because i had just come out of a much longer relationship. He had also told me that he didnt want anything serious and therefore if anyone else come along for either of us it would be less hurtful to seperate.

 

During the course of time that we dated (which was only a few weeks) i found myself feeling very fond of him and hoping that the relationship would develop into something more. I had told him how attached i was starting to get and he said he felt the same. Not too long after i found out that he was meeting up with another girl (supposely with a group of friends), he was interested in this girl but assured me that nothing was gonna happen while he was with me.

 

I quickly jumped to conclusions and decided to talk it out with him and try and resolve the issue saying that if he was going to continue seeing me, it had to be only me. He said he wasn't going to change his ways and i didn't wanna change my point of view either so the relationship ended that day as us parting as friends.

 

I later found out that he is dating this other girl and has for a few

months now. He tells me that he isn't having a serious relationship with this girl either, however from other statements he makes it sounds like he is planning to pursue it further. They already broke up once and got back together and he said to me at the time that he didn't wanna see anyone else, he really cares for her. Ofcourse over the time that we weren't together i got extremely upset and angry and said alot of nasty things to him, some of which i still believe are truthful.

 

What i wonder is, can a guy that has previously had a committed

relationship have one thats not, then go back to being committed again? Or is it more likely that he will end up cheating on this girl also.

 

Unfortunately i still care for him quite alot, but his feelings for me

surely have disappeared. He claims that because i got nasty towards him after we broke up that he doesn't see me the same way anymore. I know for a fact that i wouldn't be like that again. I find it very hard to move on past this relationship, dispite the small amount of time we spent together. Any advice?

 

By the way, i find it ironic that i wasn't allowed to stop him from

seeing other girls, but his new girlfriend doesn't like me and him

being friends (because i am his ex) and he is abiding by her wishes, to a point. We still talk when we see each other, but i'm the one usually initiation conversation.

 

 

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[just_a_girl]

Originally posted by jenny

Hey girl. Ive been there, hell he may be the guy I was dating! I dated a guy that did the same thing to me. Reading your story made me remember everything he did to me. Im still not over him. I still go running when he calls! He got me pregnant and left me! I had an abortion and now he feels sorry for himself over it. He says now that he loves me and mad a huge mistake. I love him and miss him and also love being w/him! He hurt me so much and made such a fool out of me! But one thing my mother told me is a man will do what a woman will let him do. I let him do a lot, like you did. But girl theres a time to end it. No matter how hard you should stop now. It hurts worse the longer you wait! TRUST ME! You'll be fine and he WILL be sorry! You seem like a nice person and God intends for you to find mister right, thats why it didnt work. Or at least thats what I like to think, it gets me through the day! Dont give in!

Good luck

Jenny

Ps keep your head up!

 

 

Thats fabulous advice Jenny,

Only one problem i find with that, its sooo hard to get past someone you love so much even if they aren't right for you.

 

Everyone keeps telling me it takes time. Its only been 5 months for me, but it still hurts like hell some times. Just hang in there. I guess the best way to look at the situation is that it could have been much worse and other are plenty of other ppl out there with worse situations that this.

 

Goodluck.