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How to 'dump' a friend with benefits

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Old 26th January 2009, 6:19 AM   #1
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How to 'dump' a friend with benefits

Hi guys, this is my first post.
My minds pretty much made up. Think I just need to talk it out.

So I've been in a FWB situation with a co-worker for the last 10 months. It isn't working for me anymore (being a woman, I have gotten emotionally involved. So sue me ) so I've decided to end it.

I've thought about it before but not done anything, because the sex is great and I'm kinda addicted, but now seems like a perfect time as we have nowhere to do the deed for the next month or two anyway so I won't be relying on willpower alone.

I've been getting vibes (or maybe seeing them where they don't exist..) that he cares about a bit more than my body so I'm pretty much offering him a double or nothing deal. 'Take me on a couple of dates and call me your girlfriend before I sleep with you again'. I'm prepared to be disappointed.

My problem is that I can't go NC, our offices are next door to each other and we can't let this get in the way of our professional relationship. We're not in the same department but we have to work closely together at least once a fortnight.

I expect that the worst problem we'd face in working together/staying friends afterwards is that I'd always want to flirt when I know I shouldn't.

I need to end it in a way that's mature, friendly and subtle (ie, no yelling in the car park). The only face to face time we have apart from our 'sessions' is at work and I'm not going to discuss it there. Our work emails are also monitored so that doesn't work and I don't have his home email address.
I'm torn between calling him and risk crying on the phone, or printing the email I've written and handing it to him at work and hoping he has the sense to shred it before anyone else finds it. He has an assistant in the same office that could be hard to sneak it past.

In a normal relationship I'm pretty against dumping someone by text or email but is it still considered rude for a FWB? It doesn't sit well with me so I want to call him but fear that I'll undermine myself by getting upset.
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Old 26th January 2009, 7:03 AM   #2
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Hi Kyri

To be honest, I'm not sure you need to 'dump' them exactly... it would be different if you were actually dating. But you're not. I would simply keep things friendly but just gradually phase out the physical stuff. That way you don't make an issue of it and you remain friends. If you 'dump' them, you run the risk of wrecking the friendship too. It's fairly easy to phase out the physical stuff by explaining you're busy or being less available. Gradually phase down how often it happens until it finally stops. If you've got an idea that he cares more about you than just the physical stuff, I wouldn't make anything of that, it will evolve naturally if it is meant to do so. If you scale things back, that is likely to make you more attractive to him... unless of course, he doesn't give a monkeys. Be careful of your motives because it seems you're actually doing the 'this ends unless you give me this' scenario which doesn't usually work out well.
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Old 26th January 2009, 7:49 AM   #3
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I disagree with Chinook.

I wouldn't slowly phase things out. There is no reason why you have to sacrifice any more of yourself than you have. You have begun to have feelings so each time it is painful for you when the sex is all there is. So just stop it.

If he attempts to make "plans" then you are busy and can't.

If he gets the hint and wants to have a talk about it, then you can put it out there that you had fun but you are looking for something a bit more involved now. It will then sit on his shoulders if he wants to be that guy or not. If he doesn't make a move then you know.

And in the meantime I'd start dating other guys. Don't wait for this one. I hate to be the bearer of bad news but generally it is the woman who gets too involved in a FWB situation and it is a very very rare occasion that the guy ends up wanting a relationship with a girl who would participate in such a relationship.

If it does end up like the statistics, live and learn.
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Old 26th January 2009, 8:45 AM   #4
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I think you just need to ask him to join you for a cup of coffee, and over that cup tell him that you want more out of a relationship, and therefore what the two of you have is no longer meeting your needs.

That will be his opportunity to say - "wait I can give you more," or not. If he has also developed feelings he will say so at that point, if not no harm, no foul.No need to put yourself out there further, which might end up causing more tension than you can live with going forward.

If he does not say wait I can give you more - then you move on to say that you look forward to continuing your friendship and professional relationship.

Good luck.
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Old 26th January 2009, 12:42 PM   #5
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i agree w/ curiousnycgirl's approach 100%.

to be safe, definitely do not settle anything via work email/work phone/printed out emails. you don't want to jeopardize your career or potentially "let the cat out of the bag" to the whole office as to what's going on. call or meet him outside of work to have the talk.
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Old 26th January 2009, 1:13 PM   #6
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I've thought about it before but not done anything, because the sex is great and I'm kinda addicted, but now seems like a perfect time as we have nowhere to do the deed for the next month or two anyway so I won't be relying on willpower alone.
Are either of you married? Just curious because of the "nowhere to do the deed" part.

I concur with an immediate, non-work, personal (in-person IMO) discussion of your perspective on the relationship. If he's not in (assuming he's available, meaning single) at that point, end all personal contact and go NC except for professional contact at work. Hope it was a great 10 months. Reason, season or lifetime. Season is good
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