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ex lover won't leave me alone

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Old 10th June 2002, 10:14 PM   #1
totally frusterated
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Unhappy ex lover won't leave me alone

I had an affair with a man I met online which lead to a 10 day meeting. We had a good time together, we laughed a lot and had fun, but I realised not long after that he would not have been the answer to my problems or part of my future.

This man was helping me through a range of emotional problems I was having with various people in my life at the time, including my husband. This man acted as a very good friend to me when I needed to talk to people. Despite how much fun we had together, it didn't mean I wanted to be with him forever in future. I was still married. He knew that. I did care for him, but that was all. I told him that I loved him, which I did in a way - it was more an appreciation. I shouldn't have said that.

I broke up with that person not long after he visited. A whole lot of things happened and he ended up calling my husband and telling him a few things about me and being with online lovers. This person lives half way around the world from me. My husband was horrified. Since then, I have been trying to repair what happened with my husband. it taught me many lessons and simply that I will never risk what I have now for anythign again. I don't want anyone, my husband is amazing and l love him. We are best friends and I want to be with him when I'm old. I don't think I deserve someone as good as him, but I appreciate it and work on it everyday.

However, my online lover still won't leave me alone. He wants to be friends, but I told him we canot be friends - I don't want to be - it was in the past - and how can we after what he did? I don't want him to contact me, I just want to be left alone. I don't want him in my life, I don't want to have contact with him again. I try to reason with him, I have answered his questions over and over as to why things can't work. I try to reasssure him that he is a good person. He really is a nice and good person, smart and kind. But he is obsessed with me and won't leave me alone. But I am the last person he should be coming to get a sense of self-worth.

I tell him I am married, I live on the other side of the world, I have a separate life, He continually says - "but what we had was so wonderful?" "I still love you" "Will we never see each other again?" "Can you treat me like a human being please?" "are you sadistic" "does this make you happy to treat me like this?" etc etc. He calls my home and hangs up, calls my cell phone and hangs up. Everytime he does it takes me and my husband back to having to repair the damage again. He keeps saying, everytime, I just want to talk to you again, but EVERYTIME it's the SAME THING. I have nothing left to tell him. I have exhausted my explanations adn the help I can give him. But it's like emotional blackmail. I have contacted authorities to try to prevent him from contacting me. It hasn't worked. The thing is, I really don't want him to be part of my life. But while he can access me at work, he still thinks he has some right to me.

But i have tried over and over to answer his questions, to explain what happened, to reassure him he is good. But I just can't do it anymore. There's nothing that can be done. He can never be part of my life, I don't want him to be part of my life. It's impossible. Just when I think he really has stopped contacting me, he does it again and continues to ask why and tells me how unhappy I make him feel. He asks me where we stand? I have told him over and over there is no "we". We don't exist. He asks, each time, how can I do this to him? Can't it be civil? I simply don't want to talk to him. He contacts me and causes his emotional pain. I just want to be left alone.

Why won't he just get on with his life? He seems to think that what we had is more worthwhile than my marriage. He seems to think the two can co-exist. But he made it not possible for it to work. He doesn't seem to think that him calling my husband and discussing my interactions with him should effect what we could have in future. Apart from that, I don't want anything in future.
I never want to hear from him again.

What is the best thing for me to do? I feel sick thinking he is somewhere just focussing on me. I try not to think about it and just hope it will one day stop. I don't have bad feelings for him and I try to remember his kindness, but he continues to really kill himself by doing this and making me angry. I promised my husband I would never talk to him again. What would your advice to him be? I can't simulatenously be the one who helps him and tells him to go away. There's nothing I can do to help him. There's no way we can be part of each others' lives - so WHAT DO YOU DO?

I try to tell him that people have to move on. I have had a broken heart many times and had to move on. He has to. But what can I do? How can I make him leave me alone? I've done all I can do.
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Old 10th June 2002, 10:52 PM   #2
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You've done all you can do, yeah right!!!

YOU ASK: "But what can I do? How can I make him leave me alone? I've done all I can do."

For Pete's sake, this is totally YOUR fault...not that of this certifiably insane jerk who lives halfway around the world.

This is so simple. Change your email address, change your phone number and, if he flies halfway around the world to see you call the police when he rings your doorbell.

I don't buy that you love your husband and are trying to make your marriage better. If you were really doing that, you wouldn't be going back and forth on email with some dude you're never going to see again. What are you getting out of continuing to correspond with some guy you say you want out of your life???

This is totally bizarre. On most computers, the delete button is located just to the right of the regular lettered keyboard and to the left of the numbers panel. Use it on his email until you have advised all your sane friends of your new email address (and your new phone number). Then cancel the email address or addresses he uses.

Since your husband already knows about this nut, I'm sure he'll understand the changes you've got to make...that is, if you REALLY want to get this guy out of your life.

Take a cold shower and then just look at yourself!!!
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Old 10th June 2002, 11:00 PM   #3
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cruel to be kind

I think that at this point the most helpful thing for you and for him will be for you to tell him directly and in no uncertain terms that you never want to hear from him again, and that you are annoyed and troubled by his persistant refusal to recognize the reality of the situation -- that you intend to stay with your husband. He was a passing interlude in your life, one that re-oriented you to your marriage.

I applaud your husband's patience in this, by the way.

Send one final message to this man, telling him of your deep and abiding love for your husband. Tell him specifically that even if your husband were not in the picture, you and he would not be together. Make it final, unyielding. Do not pussyfoot around with the message you're trying to convey. You've tried to let him down easily. He's having none of it -- that's his choice. The risk inherent in his perseverance is getting slammed with curt rejection. He hasn't heard the message when it's been delivered nicely, so now it must be delivered bluntly. Tell him it will be the last time you communicate with him, and that any response from him will be deleted unread.

Then change your phone numbers. Make yourself as inaccessible to him as you can. As long as he can get a response of some sort from you, he'll persist, because he's convinced himself that there is a way to make things go his way -- he's just got to hit on the right thing to say, the right time to call, etc. Only when he ceases to get even a sliver of satisfaction, which he does everytime he makes you think about him, will he cease his harassment.

I wouldn't be surprised if he continues for a while, either out of desperation or in anger. Neither are healthy for him. He cannot expect you to boost his morale in this, that's a ludicrous expectation. He's got to let go and move on to someone who can be there for him. You can't be. You've already jeopardized your marriage and you really can't afford to let it be affected by this unbalanced individual.

His version of "friendship" is not friendship in any way, shape or form. He's trying to manipulate you. Even if he hadn't alerted your husband to your infidelity (some friend!), it seems clear that, as a "friend," he'd be a poisonous presence in your life, bent on sabotaging your reconciliation with your husband.

You've tried to be nice. It didn't work. Now you need to take the protective steps necessary to prevent further damage in your daily life and your marriage. You don't owe this guy anything. On the other hand, you owe it to your husband to get this taken care of quickly and permanently. If doing so requires you to feel like a mean person, so be it. Small price to pay. And your ex-lover has forced you to it.
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Old 10th June 2002, 11:10 PM   #4
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Firstly, I know I created this situation. However, I did my best months ago to end it with him, I tried to end things on a friendly note, to give him all the explanation he needed. And, I have done that countless times. It's just, nothing I say is good enough.

I did this a long time before he contacted my husband. I don't reply to his messages. I had him blocked. I hadn't replied for a long time. I told him to stop calling me. I rang all the authorities to have his telephone numbers blocked but it's not possible to. I am in the process of changing my home number and simply hang up when contacted at work. I rang the police to find out what can be done but there's nothing if it's international.

I am the person who hurt him, and yet he continues the cycle by contacting me and then blames me for hurting him again and not being "friendly' with him. But unless he stops, it can't stop. I don't do anything. I ignore everything, I don't respond to emails. I try to seem as though I don't exist. But he says he just wants to hear my voice and leaves hang up calls. I just don't want to know. Andf this is in the face of the reality that we simply cannot have anything together.

This has taught me many things, principally that what you have in real life everyday, the person that goes the distance and sticks around through thick and thin and still loves you for your faults, is what matters. The person who will let you be, who doesn't rely on you for their emotional well-being but lets you be wo you are and can be who they are, and be best of friends. That's what matters. if I had known this person would be so obsessive and needy and unable to let go and move on, and be completely disillusioned and unable to see the reality, I would never have gone near him. I am sure he feels the same.

Anyway, I know it's my fault and I am ultimately to blame for being in this situation in the first place. I just wish he would see the fact that nothing can ever be, no matter what happened in the past, it just can't possible ever happen again. He has to find someone who can be there for him and love him and unless he lets go of this he never will.
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