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Your opinions: Reconciliation possible?


Breaks and Breaking Up It happens to most everyone at some point in life! Share your experiences!

 
 
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Old 8th June 2002, 10:51 PM   #1
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Your opinions: Reconciliation possible?

I need advice and opinions. I had a beautiful relationship. Acknowledged mutually after six months. Six months into it, best friends, soul mates, "God brought us together," etc. Perfect, I thought. Both of us unbelievably happy. Both of us near 50 years old. Mutually confessed we'd found the loves of our lives. He is in the process of a divorce and under a lot of stress. Last week he told me or asked me to agree to cool it a little. What he said was he couldn't be caught in my bed. He could lose everything in the divorce. I understood, of course. But I have had a very bad problem with fear of rejection, which he knew about from the beginning and he was always very reassuring to me when I got sideways in that regard. Anyway, I had PMS and I got myself in such a state with fearful thoughts of losing him or him rejecting me that I wrote him a dear John letter, actually it was more of a self-pity letter, like "I knew no one would ever love me, I knew you'd leave me." I was under the influence of a sleeping pill and a little rum. I boxed up all the things he ever gave me and put that letter in there, but I really didn't intend to give it to him. I was rational enough to know it was irrational thinking and I'd get over it, so I pulled the blinds and closed the doors and didn't answer the phone. When I went out in the kitchen to feed the dogs, he knocked at the back door and he saw me in there so I opened the door and in my state of mind, it all came apart. He said "I'll talk to you later when you're in a better mood" and I said "no you won't" and I handed him the box. The next day, Monday, I repented and I tried to explain that I wasn't in my right mind and I didn't intend to do it, but he was very angry, I could tell, and he said it was over. He said that I hurt him so bad and that he would never put himself in that position again. I know he loved me. He told me so over and over. Hopelessly and helplessly, he said. He pursued me. He supported me. It was the best relationship I ever had and I can't believe I blew it up. I can't believe he won't accept my pleas for forgiveness, for mercy and understanding. I've plead temporary insanity. I just can't believe it happened. I can't believe he would just stop loving me from one day to the next, especially since this was the first problem we've ever had. He says he loves me, but it's not the same, and he's forgiven me but he can't forget. I'm having a really hard time accepting this. I'm hoping and praying that he'll come to his senses, too, and everything will be OK. Or is what I did really so outrageously unforgiveable? Answers, please.
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Old 10th June 2002, 10:52 AM   #2
Ed
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Quote:
is what I did really so outrageously unforgiveable?
Not to me. I forgive you.

Advice:
Don't date guys who are married and don't expect a whole lot to come out of dating a guy who is separated, getting divorced or is just recently divorced.

Don't drink alcohol when you take mood altering medication. Doing so can be lethal. At the very least it will enhance, negate or otherwise cause a (usually) undesirable interaction.

Opinions:
I think you are better off without him....at least until he is fully and legally divorced. He was already trying to distance himself from you by "cooling it". That's a bunch of crap. All he was wanting to do was have you on the side when he got ready for you.

Maybe, in his mind, you did mess up. So what! People make mistakes all the time. If he can't accept the fact that you are human and that you will make mistakes like every other human, then it's his loss - not yours.
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Old 11th June 2002, 8:42 PM   #3
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Lose what?

Is there a child custody hearing he is trying to win? Even if he was caught in your bed, it cant affect his divorce can it? I know I tried that line with a lawyer once, he said it doesn't affect the divorce. Although, I suppose it could be used under different circumstances than what I was dealt.

It's all bogus when a person says to cool things off. I'm seeing a person that I think about cooling by jets with because we've been through cycles where he wanted to back off at times. Now things are looking good once again, six months later after not dating and I'm afraid he might brake my heart once again.

This is not your case. Why he would want to cool his jets, only he knows. It could be the pressure of divorce. Maybe he feels he doesn't want to involve you while going through the process of the divorce.

No man wants to deal with an emotional women. I have not meet one that can sympathize on a womens level. There is not point in even trying to get through to him. Its a waste of time if you do try. You will only cause yourself more grief and anxiety over it the longer you feel helpless. It's best to let things be for a while. Maybe give him a phone call in a few weeks. Give the air time to clear out. If he says things are over they very well could be. But I wouldn't so much as ask him for a second chance now know matter how tempting it is to make asses of ourselves
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