Can this ever be fixed?

[SilverLining]

I was dating this guy for over 5 years. Our pattern in the relationship was this: things are great, we're blissfully happy...suddenly he starts feeling unhappy and blames me, he dumps me, I am brokenhearted. He contacts me, we start hanging out/sleeping together, we get back together again and are blissfully happy once more...until we aren't anymore. Rinse, repeat. Last year at this time, I found out he was having an emotional affair with a coworker, and I called him on it. He took the opportunity to take a good look at us and our relationship, and decided that his behavior had been reprehensible. He got us into counseling and did whatever he could to repair our relationship. For 6 months he was telling me how much he loved me and how important I was to him. He decided I was the only one for him, so we started looking for a ring. We shopped for two months and he eventually got me a ring that was over 8 grand. And this was a ton of money for him. He proposed.

 

After a month of being engaged he started acting distant. One week he sent me an email telling me he was so excited to be engaged and how he couldn't wait to spend the rest of his life with me, and then the next week he mentioned that he in no way wanted to end our relationship, but he was unhappy because he felt I was neglecting him. Well, I was. When I found out about his emotional affair, I almost left him. I was devastated that he had deceived me, and I did not want to do anything kind for him. When he told me he was upset about this, I apologized and told him that of course it was time for me to put more effort into our relationship because it had been some months, we were engaged now, and it was time to move on. I immediately made some changes and at our next counseling session he said that although he had been feeling unhappy, the situation was resolved because I had been so attentive recently and would continue to be so. He sent me an email telling me how well he thought our session went, and how committed he was to working towards our having the best relationship possible.

 

3 days later he dumped me. He refused to talk to me about it or to do anything to resolve issues. I gave him weeks to think about it and made an appt with the counselor, but he did not change his mind. I told him that I loved him and would work with him so that he would feel better - he still did not change his mind. I stopped talking to him, and he contacted me about a month afterward. We started hanging out and sleeping together, and I assumed that we would be getting back together until two things happened. 1. I was PMSing and though I was not crabby, I was emotional and I cried once when he was over, and 2. I found out he was trying to hook up with other girls. I told him finally that either we work things out or he stops talking to me. He said that he wanted to work things out. This happened the day before Thanksgiving. Then the day after Thanksgiving he sent me an email saying he changed his mind. He said he wanted to talk to me, and finally we talked on the phone last night. He said that he was fine with hanging out - which I'm sure he's thinking having sex - but that he wanted to be able to hook up with other girls too. I was stunned, and I asked him why he had changed his mind, but he wouldn't answer and he hung up on me.

 

I sent him a message and asked him not to contact me anymore. I know he said that he did not want to be with me, in fact he said that he did not love me anymore, but I thought that he was just angry with me. I think that I had every excuse to neglect him, and that he should have been more understanding. And I am so hurt that someone who I considered my best friend treated me like sh*t. I love him so much and I so desperately want to go back to the times when everything is great. I know that if he would stop distancing himself from me, he would definitely love me again because we are so great together when he isn't having issues! His family thinks that he may be clinically depressed or have bipolar. I just don't understand how he could have gone from being excited and loving me one week, to not wanting anything to do with me the next.

 

Any advice for me?

[SilverLining]

The reason I mentioned that I cried once is because he told me that it wasn't fun hanging out with me anymore because I get too emotional and it makes him uncomfortable. Well, of course I am emotional! He's ripping my heart and my life as I know it apart!!!!

[stoneymirror]

SilverLining, you probably don't want to hear this but walk away for good. All this guy is going to do is hurt you over and over again. can you really see yourself going through this sort of thing again and again. As much as you're hurting right now, you need to realize this wasn't working between you two. The guy has you in his back pocket and is basically using you like a tool. When he needs you, he pulls you out of his pocket, when he doesn't you're left by the wayside. That's not how you treat someone you love. My best advice would be to get out and try and meet someone new. There's a lot of guys out there that'll actually treat you the way you deserve. It's tough giving up on something, especially when you've invested so much time and energy, but this guy doesn't even seem to want it, and you can't force that. I wouldn't call or contact him in any way. If you go running back again his respect for you is only going to get worse. Stand up for yourself and don't let this guy rule your life any longer. He's obviously used up a lot of your time already, don't let him take any more. By going NC he'll wonder what you're doing and if you've already moved on. He knows he has you right now, and so he's not worrying about anything. Give yourself a break and take this time to do all those things you neglected over the yrs. One door closes and another opens, you have to stop looking at where you came from and start looking forward. Good luck, I know how hard it is to get through this sort of thing. We've all been there, and we've all survived and have found that as hard as it may be it was for the best. Don't let another day go by, go out and meet your husband he's out there waiting for you, don't let your ex ruin that for you too.

[Eyeofthoth]

He sounds like he is crazy and for your own mental health I think it would be best for you to go NC and mean it and stick to it.

[SilverLining]

I think I really know that I have to walk away for my own sanity. Even though I don't really want to. And yeah, I definitely plan to go NC. I'm pretty low right now and I feel as if there isn't anyone else out there for me who can touch the great times my ex and I shared. At the same time... I know that there were too many bad times and even when there were good times, they were riddled with intimacy and self-esteem issues because he consistently rejected me over the years. And you know something else? I'm pretty sure that one of the girls he is trying to hook up with now is the girl he was having that emotional affair with. Well, she's ugly, and he's a jerk. I wish them joy.

[stoneymirror]

Dude sounds like a loser, I'm sorry you had to date him. There is someone out there that'll be so much better for you and you'll have many new experiences with this guy too. Stop dwelling on the past and don't revisit any of those memorable times you spent with the ex. It'll just destroy you. Take it for what it was worth. Realize you deserve better and start meeting people that share some of the same qualities and outlooks you have. We all know how hard it is to get over someone you've been with for so long, and there's no time table as to when you'll feel better. But I know one thing for sure. If you dwell and constantly think there's hope for you two it'll take a long time to heal. Like I said above, even if it's just a guy friend, you need to find someone new who you can have fun with and enjoy just hanging out. I wouldn't make it anything more than that. You are not a loser, he was the loser. Look at this as the nicest thing he could have done for you, cause now you can move on with your life and find someone who'll actually make you happy all the time. This last relationship of yours was a learning experience and take what you've learned from that and apply it to a new relationship. That'll make the new relationship just that much more solid. Good luck with your coping, it'll take some time, but push yourself to pick yourself up and get out there.

[Your Favourite Smile]

Im not one to talk myself, i lack experience but i can share my beliefs at least..

 

My personal view is that at this time, especially since you believe there is no other out there who can give you the happiness that he did, you could perhaps look to taking up something you enjoy, spend more time with people, just enjoy yourself and your freedom. This person is the one with the commitment problems, hopefully you dont believe that youre the one to blame.

 

Time will tell.. although the fact that this whole thing has been happening over a long period of time will understandably increase the hurts but should also put more emphasis on the fact that there has been a pattern of him taking you for granted and taking you back whenever it suits him.

[SilverLining]

Thank you so much for your advice, Stonymirror. I really hope that you are successful in your own endeavors. If you have been one of the brokenhearted or are one right now, it sounds as though you have become wiser from it! I'm only 27 and this is my second failed engagement (although I was 18) and my 3rd longterm relationship. I thought I was smarter about picking this guy, because in the beginning, he was very moral, respectful, and kind. I respected and admired him a great deal...and he changed a lot through the years. But I suppose you are right - a learning experience, and the next boyfriend might be my last.

[SilverLining]

You are absolutely right, Victimgirl. Thank you for your point of view. I'll definitely look into taking a class or doing something that can improve myself as a person!

[stoneymirror]

Silver lining I was dumped about 4 weeks ago. a 2 yr relationship down the tubes. I couldn't believe she ended things the way she did, and it's left me wondering what happened. I went NC right away and haven't looked back since. I used that time to see that this isn't how someone treats a loved one. My ex obviously only had her best interests in mind and that's not the sort of person I can see myself with. Long story short I dwelled and sorrowed in my own ***** for weeks thinkin what I should do, and eventually I said f-it, I don't ever want to be treated like this again. If I go back I'm just setting myself up for this to happen again. And then I'll really be kicking myself for not having enough confidence to walk away. Unfortunately I think many of your feelings right now are based on your own insecurities of meeting someone else. and the fact that you have to completely readjust your life style. All that's normal, but why not get out there and meet someone else and pick up where you left off. You knew what you wanted in this last relationship. go find it with someone who shares your same interests. Trust me they'res a million guys out there for you. Your ex is only great cause that's what you're telling yourself. Remember that whatever you tell yourself is always true to you. So look really hard and I'm sure you'll see this guy really isn't whaat you want. Nor can you get what you need from him. So cut your loses, learn what you need to do in your next relationship to keep things going strong and move on. The quicker you can move on the quicker you'll be back to ur old self

[Dmoney28]

As someone was/is in a situation where i broke the trust of my GF of 3.5 years, he is way out of line on this. It was his job in the begining to understand that he messed up. He has to take full responsibility for all the fall out, including your distance and neglect. He needs to understand that because he betrayed you and broke yor trust...he has to accept this response from you until you're able to cope fully with what happened...thus the councellor. Really at this time, if he loves you as he says he does....he has to take every oppurnity to show you trust and love. As far as bipolar...possible. Im stage 2 bipolar, not the extreme form, and i wasnt diagnosed until 27. But after i got caught by my GF...i went to a psychologist and a psychiatrist...got councelling. Once i started change for myself, i realized REALLy what i done...i could sympathize with her on a whole new level. I learned if i wanted to help her through this painful ordeal i had to put her first emotional and physical needs. And all this knowing we probly wont get back to gether, ever.

 

Until your boyfriend see's the full scope of what he caused...a "wake up call" so to speak. Perhaps you took him back too easily. Maybe he should work to start build trust and showing real remorse. How else will someone know how bad they screwed up until there punished. just my 2 cents

[SilverLining]

I think that it's very brave to look inside yourself, confront your own demons, and then do whatever is possible to try to fix what is wrong within yourself. Even though you hurt someone terribly, you are growing as a person. I hope you realize that what you are doing is amazing - most people, when they make mistakes, blame it on the other person, make excuses for themselves, and refuse to change anything.

 

I agree that I am insecure about what else is out there. I've gone on a couple dates already these past few months and I have to say...I wasn't much impressed. But I guess it's just one of those things where I need to keep trying. I really appreciate all the help...it's so nice to hear that some people don't think this is my fault. I'm often too hard on myself and I keep thinking...if I had done this...if I had done that...maybe. Why couldn't he love me? What was so wrong with me? Now I know intellectually that nothing is wrong with me, but that doesn't stop me from doubting it in my weaker moments.

[msjules]

I'm a masters level social worker, SilverLining, and although I can't diagnose your ex, it sure sounds as though he has some big time emotional problems and isn't willing to work on changing his behavior. You will be better off without this guy in the long run. I know it hurts right now and it will continue to hurt, but going NC is the only way. NC is HARD WORK, but it is so rewarding once you get into it. That's my experience anyway. I dated my best friend for a year and we were best friends for 3.5 years before that. After being away from him for three months now, I can see that he had emotional issues too. You can do it!