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rock and a hard place

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Old 9th May 2002, 4:26 PM   #1
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Angry rock and a hard place

I'm coming up on my one-year anniversary with my husband and its looking pretty dismal. I've been having an increasingly adversarial relationship with my husband, and we fight often, and the fight have gotten physical. I'm usuall the one who explodes and hits him first, and then he hits back and we get into a scuffle where he throws me around and I come back at him with punches. Once, when he was choking me in a headlock, I grabbed his balls and squeezed until he let go, even though I knew that was a cheap shot.

I can't seem to get him to a point where he will leave my house. We're both young, but my parents gave me a house and I pay for everything except our utility bill, but he has so much debt that he can't afford to move, and he recently lost his job, which made matters even worse because I just graduated from college and am still looking for an entry-level position, so we're strapped for cash.

I just feel like crap right now. I feel like we need to end our marriage because of the violence and mistrust. I am so stressed right now and I just feel like I can't handle this anymore. I don't like getting into physical fights, or that my body is sore and always bruised, and I know I'm the abuser, he's just fighting back. I can't seem to control myself anymore and I feel sick. I've even thrown his clothes and stuff into a bag and left it in the doorway before, but he always just stays on the couch until I relent, or waits until I'm asleep to creep into bed with me so that I'll cuddle up to him because I'm not awake!

What do I do? I always try to give him a week to get out and he always ends up staying until I relent and then we fight again and its the same stupid cycle. How do i get out of this?
The way you see people is the way you treat them and the way you treat them is what they become - Goethe
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Old 9th May 2002, 4:54 PM   #2
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Kind of complicated....

It seems there are reasons you want to keep a lot of distance between the two of you.

You do not give enough data to feret out the reason for your violent behavior but it seems to me you have a lot of fear of intimacy. This probably stems from your childhood upbringing.

Anyway, you've got a lot of self-discovery to do with yourself. You need to go ahead and file for divorce before you kill this guy, who obviously loves you.

I think you married the right man because he has made you realize you have issues with hair on them that need to be addressed. He came into your life for a reason and, that reason being fulfilled, by all means dismiss him. Once your divorce is final, get on a path to self discovery and healing so you can have a fulfilling relationship sometime in the future.

You have a lot of anger built up inside of you that's coming out in these fights with your spouse. There is no reason to make him another victim of the stuff that has caused your own problems.

Let him go and get some help for yourself. You'll be fine.
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Old 9th May 2002, 6:40 PM   #3
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Hi bluefly,

Generally, the person who wants out of the relationship is the one that should move out. Under your circumstances, since you own the house, he should be the one to move out.

You have tried to kick him out, you have tried to kick his butt, yet he won't leave. Why he stays, I'll never understand.

The only alternative I see is for you to call the local authorities and have them remove him, then change your locks and file for divorce if you don't want to be married to him anymore.

I hope that both of you will seek help from a competent counselor, whether you stay together or not.

Good luck.
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Old 9th May 2002, 7:10 PM   #4
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Is He Good People?

You didnt go into too many details about him, so I cant say that he sounds like good people to me. If I were him I would be afraid of you.

Your aware of your anger and the abuse that stems from it. Thats good! You may want to inquire on anger mgmt classes or get your doctors opinion or seek help from a therapist. Although, even if you do seek out help from a professional, you are the source to help yourself. When you feel anger build you must leave the enviorment that brings you to a boil. It feels good to lash out and try to control the situation. That relief is temporary and false relief. Sometimes its hard to walk away from a situation. If you could do that, you would save yourself alot of cash flow from seeking professional advice.

As for your husband, alot of couples live together due to financal situations even if they dont love each other. You could consider filling for divorce next week, let him stay until he can find where or what he can do to get out from your house. Does he have family or friends that could help him with a place to stay? Does he want to leave or does he want this marriage to work? You obviously are not in love. Can you think of a few things that if were different you would still love him? I dont see how the two of you got married if you have a violent tempor and hes strapped for cash all the time.

I suggest that you be supportive enough to let him live with you but not to the point where its comfortable for him. While hes living with you, he should always be looking not only for his next pay check but for a place to move. If you dont wont your marriage anymore, consider it gone. Live your life and move on. By the time your divorce is final and youve meet someone elese, he should have plenty of time to move on with his life.

I feel sad for both of you.
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Old 10th May 2002, 3:22 AM   #5
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What did you originally see in this man? Are those qualities still there but burried beneath all the fighting? Maybe you two should give marriage counseling a try. If you are sure you want no more to do with this man I would still look into counseling so you don't repeat this relationship pattern in the future. If you're ready to have him out for good, then give him the ultimatum one more time but through in the divorce/police idea. That should motivate him if he thinks you are serious.
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