i want her back after 4 years of pushing her away

[frownyface42]

so i dated her for 2 years... she broke my heart and we got back together, well on and off since then.

 

its now been 4 years since then and all i can remember from these 4 years is that she has been "waiting" for me to come back. we would still hang out and have sex, but after awhile i started feeling guilty cause i wanted to find someone new. you know those feelings you get when you just start dating someone and everything is perfect? i wanted those feelings and going back to our relationship didn't give me those feelings so i needed space and time to let them comeback (even if they could).

 

she never really gave me space, every week (sometimes months) or so she would call and we probably ended up hanging out. i wanted to take it slow, she wanted to go fast... everytime she started getting close and start telling me she loved me, i would run away and get scared.

 

so 6 or so months ago i was feeling too guilty about maybe "leading her on" and confused to get physical with her and well it lead to some bad experiences in bed. this made me really distant and i didn't talk to her for a few months and everything was cool... i had a few girls i was interested in and it didn't really matter to me.

 

approx 3 months ago, now after finally getting "space" i needed from her i slowly tried coming back into her life but i found out she had a BF (which she never had before). i gave her space for 2 months, then found out she moved back to our hometown (down the street from me). im almost positive she isn't dating this guy anymore but she won't really talk to me or anything. she wrote me a nice email saying how happy she is that she isn't "waiting" for me anymore and that it was no way to lead her life. she said we shouldn't talk until we we're 100% "just friends." she said she knows how i feel and to trust her that things will be better this way.

 

damnit, it makes me mad... i now regret everything i didn't do with her, i could of had somebody special all this time and i threw it away. all i do is think about her and want to be with her. maybe its just the fact she won't talk to me or call me.

 

i feel like she is finally the girl i wanted her to be... not this needy girl who is going to tell me she loves me after hanging out with me a couple days but the fun loving girl i fell in love with in the first place. i want her back, but there's nothing i can do, its driving me mad.

 

i've now decided that i need to get away from this girl who i have not wanted to be with for 4 years and all of a sudden do. i'm gonna move out of state for the winter, but i'm scared i'm gonna be a mess still thinking about her. and what if she comes back if i stick around? she also has shown interest in moving to NYC, but i don't think she has confirmed this. i'm scared to leave this girl because i feel there is so much love left undone.

 

maybe im a douche bag for letting her stay around while i was looking for someone new? maybe i deserve to be miserable right now? i just feel i was saving us for when we we're both ready for 100% like when we started dating. and maybe thats still in the future and i have to take my own advice i gave her when i was pushing her away... "be cool, don't force it. we will work out someday... just not today" i didn't know it was this hard

[Habibti]

Are you sure you care about this girl or you're just a little bruised because the person who was always there for you up and found someone who cared about her back? I don't really know. It would be one thing if you pushed her away all that time because you were worried about getting hurt, etc etc but you pushed her away because you felt like she wasn't right for you. I don't know, I think this is probably another moment of being self absorbed where everything is all about YOUR feelings again. I mean four years is a long time, it's pretty damn sad that it took that long for you to realise you had a good thing. I'm sure this is all superficial, if she were to fly back into your life and tell you that she loves you and wants to be with you you'd probably lose your feeling for her all over again.

[wareagle]

I think your just pissed cause she is rejecting you after you have rejected her many times over! It sucks when you want someone and they don't want you the same doesn't it? No more booty calls for you! Suck it up, move on I believe in time you will realize that you don't care that much for this girl, or you would have held on to her when you had her!

[verve]

We want what we can't have, its a psychological trait that is hardwired subconsciously into us. The logic being if something seems unobtainable it makes us want it more as there appears to be a higher value placed on it.

 

You'll usually find if somebody is too into you it can be a repellant, such is the case sometimes post-breakups when people beg their ex to take them back. This has the opposite effect and drives them further away as they are psychologically leaning, being needy and making giving their power away.

 

Where as if they went NC, dealt with their emotions and got their lives on track and spurned any advances from the ex, this would increase the ex's desire and attraction as you are more desirable and showing some gentically attractive traits, being independant, not seeking approval and leaning back.

 

A good rule of thumb is, if you feel somebody pulling away, pull away more.

 

There seems to be a lot of this dynamics going on between you two, swinging between each polarity then back again. You definatley need a clean break as this is pretty unhealthy, you know she's not right for you and you shouldn't waste any more time on her.

[nowhereman82]

Yea you are a douche bag! haha well I wouldn't say it's that bad but ya you extended the healing process for her.

 

I truly wonder if she would even want you anymore since it sounds like she found enough peace to date someone else.