betrayal

[mandy]

I am a new found single. I think I am naive and think it will take a long time to trust another man again. I was with "Dan" for almost 3 years. He was my first real boyfriend, the first man I ever made love to. I was engaged to him for 8 months. I am a good-hearted, pretty, friendly 21 year old girl. Dan is 26. I found out he was engaged before me(his whole family lied to me and said he wasn't) I found out his daughter was planned(he said his ex had her so he would stay with her) He has never paid child support and has seen her maybe 8 hours in the last 6 months. He's cheated on me, he has hit me and he stole my money for booze and drugs. I stayed cause I was stupid. He made me believe I couldn't find love again. His mother is now coming to the apartment to pack his stuff and pick up his bills to pay them for him(she's 60 and babies himn like he is 12) She's beeen calling me everyday picking up his peices. I am recieving hang up calls in numbers, I don't know if they are from him or his mother. I aslo found out he beat his ex while she was pregnant. All I do is work to support our household, clean, do laundry, take care of my puppy. I've quit my job and have to move home until this summer when I am going back to college. I took the year off from school so he could finish his paramedic program. The thing is everyone things he is an awsome guy, his mother knows about his behaviour and she thinks it's O.K. He was the perfect gentleman the first 1 1/2 we dated. Now I think he is the devil in disguise. I am nothing like him. I am soft spoken, I do not like to fight. Will I find love again? Why is he like the way he is?

[Ed]

I guess no one has to tell you now...this guy is a sorry excuse for and example of a human being. Cut all contact with him, his family and anyone else who is in contact with him at all. If you have to, change your phone number and have the new number unlisted.

 

Get rid of anything and everything that reminds you of him. If you are disposing with anything of value, give it to a local battered women's shelter or sell it and donate the money to a good cause.

 

You will eventually have to deal with the emotional abuse you have suffered. The sooner the better. Contact the women's shelter you made donations to and see if they offer counseling services that you can participate in or if they can refer you to someone that can talk to.

 

All the love you need right now can be found within yourself and from your friends and family. Don't even consider getting involved with another man until you have fully dealt with the effects of this abusive relationship.

 

Finding out why he did what he did and why he is the way he is will not help you one single bit. That's his life. Fortunately, he is no longer a part of yours. You can move on and move past this. It will take time and probably some help, but you will be just fine if you cut him out of your life forever, make it the past and leave it in the past. Let it inform you in the future, but don't let it follow you into the future.

 

Good Luck,

 

Ed

[Laurynn]

Hi mandy,

 

I can really relate to your situation, and the Jekyll and Hyde you've ended up with.

 

When I was 24, I met what I thought was the world's nicest guy...he swept me right off my feet. Treated me like a queen. He seemed like a good man (he was 26). He had his own home, a stable job, a seemingly good and healthy relationship with his parents, his sister and his niece and nephew. He'd grown his wild oats and was 'ready to settle down.' 3 months after dating him,he asked me to marry him. I was shocked but I loved him dearly so I accepted.

 

It all went downhill from there. He was verbally, emotionally and physically abusive. Oh, and sexually abusive to me. Yes, I ended up still marrying him cuz he'd brainwashed me to thinking (and these are his words): "Laurynn, you just bring out the worst in me."

 

I heard this so many times that I really believed that he was the way he was because of me. It was a very small, 'hush hush' town and I'd never heard the stories of his past abuse to other girlfriends. Nobody was talkin'. (course I found out after the fact).

 

His Mother thought he was the 2nd coming of Christ. Her boy could do no wrong. He was perfect. Sure, he'd call me a 'stupid c*nt' but according to her, "men are just like that..women are sensitive and we just have to toughen up."

 

She was there on a few occasions, at our home, when he was flipping out and ready to deck me in the head with his closed fist.....she even stepped in between us once, to protect me from getting slugged. She whispered to me, "Laurynn, I think you should just leave." (meaning, spend the night somewhere else).

 

She knew all about her precious sonny boy. But to this day she'd deny that he was an abusive assh*le. She was the Queen of Denial and I could never understand it. He didn't even treat HER with respect. I always believed he must have learned this abusive behavior somewhere. His Dad was a very meek, mild, quiet, passive guy. His Mom wore the pants in the family, so maybe it was from her? Maybe she'd abused him as a kid?

 

It wasn't until 2 yrs ago..which would have been 7 years since I had him charged with assault and unlawful confinement, and 6 years after leaving and divorcing him...that I found out that his Dad had beat the living crap out of them all when he was a child...that he was a binge drinker and an evil man when drunk. That's where he learned it.

 

I guess his Mom defended him, and lived in denial because it probably hurt her deeply to admit that by staying with my ex's Dad, her son learned to be abusive, too.........as well, she was likely a somewhat-broken spirit herself.......having no doubt lived a very tough life for the first dozen years of her marriage.

 

Maybe your guy's Mom's situation is the same....or maybe she just seriously has her head up her butt and refuses to admit that her son is a dick.

 

Yes, mandy..you will find love again (funny this is coming from ME..someone who goes from one jerk to another)......your heart will heal. For me it took a few years to be healed....to gain my self esteem again.....to learn to trust again.......to not always turn my head when someone moved the wrong way/automatically thinking they were going to smack me.

 

Why is he like this? Maybe he's like my ex husband......very unhappy inside.....very insecure (though he may come across as obnoxious and overly confident)...... maybe he's the kind of man who sees good in someone else and it angers him that he can't be a good person too, so he takes it out on those who care about him. Or maybe he never had good role models growing up...maybe he witnessed or was the victim of abuse himself. He drinks and does drugs.....that might indicate that he's got a lot of deep seated issues and he's trying to forget or deny or numb them with substances........(my ex hubby drank,moreso after I left him, and he got into cocaine big time).

 

All I can suggest is that you find a local Battered Woman's Shelter in your area and give them a call. The gals who work (volunteer) at these places have walked in your shoes. They know from first hand experience all the range of emotions you're going through......how you're trying to make sense of how this man you loved could have changed like this.......they will understand how you just might feel like lots of things are your fault, and that if you'd "loved him more" things would have worked out (a true myth)......

 

If you can't find the number for the shelter, call up your local Hospital and ask them for the number (sometimes the number isn't easy to find.....these shelters are pretty careful about protecting their whereabouts, etc...in order to protect the women who come to them). You can either talk to them on the phone, or go down to see them..or meet them for coffee somewhere. They might even be able to put you in touch with some type of support group for women who've been the victims of domestic abuse (which includes: verbal abuse, mental abuse, emotional abuse, physical and sexual). Just because you're not with him now, that doesn't mean that they can't help you.......your whole life has been turned upside down and you're going to need people who understand and can support you, to get you back on the right track again. I've been there, many on this board have been there.

 

Any belongings that he has there right now.....you need to get everything back to him ASAP...so that he has no further reason to contact you (that includes his precious Mommy). If you're getting hangup calls...you should contact your phone company and report them..ask about how they'd go about tracing them.....don't just ignore all this. Document it, too. Cover your a$$. Or consider changing your phone number to an unlisted one (doesn't cost all that much to do).

 

If you have some big guy friends, see if they'll load up whatever he has left there.....and have them deliver it to his Mom's house, even if it's right on her front lawn.

 

I hope you don't, but if you have any credit cards where he has one in your name, or under you, contact your credit card company immediately and ask them how to go about having his card revoked or cancelled. If there are any utilities in his name, have them switched into your name. If his name is on the lease, speak with your landlord and ask how to go about having his name removed, or a new lease drawn up with only your name on it.

 

Consider having your locks re-keyed (discuss this with your landlord first, to make sure he's aware)...if there's any chance this dick has an extra key to your place, you don't want that. It costs about $30 here in Canada (or less) to get the tumblers in a doorlock changed and a new key cut. Don't put this off. Abusive men are unpredictable, especially when their pride has been hurt.

 

If you have any questions, feel free to email me, maybe I can help? <e-mail address removed>

 

Let us know how you're doing..okay?

 

Laurynn