Should I call him and try to work it out or should I just let it burn?

[Consummate Optimist]

We met through a mutual friend on his birthday in January, and I was in an abusive relationship at the time. He was very persistent though, and kept asking our friend to hook us up in spite of what I was going through.

 

Once I decided to end the relationship I was in, I agreed to talk to him around April or May. He offered to help me in any way he could, and even laid out hundreds of dollars for me to move into a townhouse with my daughter.

 

By mid-June we were sleeping together. Following this, he took my daughter and I, along with his daughter away to his father's beach house for a four day weekend, (fourth of July). During this weekend he told me that he loved me, rather unexpectedly I might add. It happened one day after we all got caught in the rain. When we got inside, he grabbed me away from the girls and told me he loved me, and that it wasn't just because of the sex.

 

We had a discussion once we returned about being monogamous, and whether or not we wanted to see other people. He stated that he wanted monogamy, and that he preferred if we did not see other people.

 

However, once we returned from the beach, everything went downhill. First, I felt as though he was way more attentive, (more phone calls, saw him more often) when I was trying to get out of the bad relationship. Once I was out of it, and living closer to him, it seemed as though we were seeing each other less, and talking to each other less. Second, every time my daughter and I went to his house for sleep overs, or even if I went over by myself, his phone, (both house and cell) would ring constantly. Sometimes he would pick it up, sometimes he wouldn't. I asked him about a couple of the calls that clearly sounded like women to me. He said I had nothing to worry about, and continued to profess his love for me. I was rather skeptical at this point about his sincerity however, and I think I showed it in my responses.

 

Subsequently, after a few incidences where he behaved sort of sketchy, ( not calling for a whole day or two, telling me he'd call me back and that I should wait by the phone, then not calling me until a day later, going on boat rides with sororities, activities with his fraternity which I was not invited to come to of course, hardly ever being available on the weekend, seeing him only twice a week if I was lucky, and of course the constant phone calls which I am sure were being made by him, just as often as he received them.) I decided that we needed to just be friends. He pleaded with me not to end things between us, and stated that he would do whatever it took to make things right between us.

 

The ultimate break-up occurred this past Friday. We made plans earlier in the week to spend some alone time (without my daughter, his daughter does not live with him) together. We set a time, and he stated that he'd be hanging out with his friends this particular night, but that he'd be done by 10pm. I was cool with that and made arrangements to hang out with a few co-workers until that time.

 

He was not ready to meet me at the designated time unfortunately, and he wanted me to wait for him at his house (he said his cousin would let me in). I did not want to be kept waiting, nor did I appreciate the fact that he was not making himself available to spend the time with me that we had planned. By 10:30 I went home. He finally called me at around 11:00 and I didn't pick up the phone because I was upset with him. He must have thought that I stayed out with my friends, because he left a message stating that he'd just left my house, and that he was at home. I called him and told him that he couldn't have left my house because I was at my house. I asked him why he told such an unnecessary lie, and he swore up and down that he wasn't lying. My car was the only car in the parking lot in front of my townhouse. I got there by 10:30pm. He calls me and tells me that he was just at my house, and all he had to say was I am sorry I ran late for our date. I was so upset with him about the whole fiasco, as well as his above stated behavior over the past couple of months that I told him it was over. He came to my house immediately and demanded I come outside and tell him to his face that I did not want to see him again. I did it, and he left. Before he left he denied everything again, stated that he never cheated on me, and that I should call him when I am ready to be with someone who cares about me. Since then I have been going over it in my mind again and again what it is that I could have done differently so that this could have ended up with us together. I really miss him a lot, and frankly I feel very heartbroken. Of course he hs not called me, and I have not called him since the incident, but I mis him soooo much that I want to. I just know for sure that if I do, then I can't expect for him to really appreciate the reasoning behind the break-up in the first place. I keep thinking about him being with someone else, and it makes me sick. I cried for two days, but not today. What do you all out there think?

[Treasa]

I think that he's a creep and that you can do better. Refuse to take any calls, emails, or visits from this man, and move on.

 

However, I'd strongly recommend getting counseling and spending some time on your own before getting into another relationship.

[Billie63]

I think he's been grooming you to get into an emotionally abusive relationship with him.

 

He reeled you in by being your knight in shining armour. But started to show his true colours after you two agreed on monogamy.

 

There is no proof of infidelity but there is proof that he is very very shady.

 

He has put the onus on you by saying you should call him if you want a man who loves you.

 

I would not trust this man as far as I could throw him.

 

He saw you were already a victim of abuse and thought you'd be easy prey.

 

Please find the strength to stay away from him. Think of your daughter if you can't think of yourself - she shouldn't have to witness her mum being with this kind of man again.

[LateBloomer]

Plain and simple. It's odd, but we often attract the same types of people or enter the same roles as previous relationships ... especially if we haven't processed them well enough.

 

Sounds like you needed more time after your abusive relationship. Maybe need to deal with how and why that happened. You definitely don't deserve abuse. Nobody does.

[Consummate Optimist]

Wow! I never looked at it like this but all of the responses sound very enlightening. I have already decided to stay away from him because each day that goes by, when I go over it in my mind, I see clearly that he was no good.

 

Thanks to everyone who took the time out to respond, I've been hurting pretty bad over this.

[Billie63]

Maybe you could have a word with the mutual friend who introduced you to him and find out more about his past?

 

I know it's hard but this man is trouble with a capital T. Please don't get sucked in.

[Consummate Optimist]

It's funny you should say that about speaking with the mutual friend, because I actually did that the Monday following the Friday break-up. He was of the opinion that I may have judged him prematurely, and that he'd put in far to much effort to blow it all away. I told him everything that I explained above and he sort of agreed, but still felt that I didn't really have enough to call it quits.

 

By the way, this mutual friend works with me. Now when I see him at work I have been avoiding him because I feel as though he and (my ex) have more than likely discussed me and the situation, behind my back naturally, and that I have no chance of getting him to empathize with my side of the coin.

 

It's quite alright though because you know what, although I thought that I was in love, I realize that it was probably something else, (I'm not sure what yet), and each day that goes by I get more and more clarity about this guy. He was really no good.

 

On Saturday I thought that I would never get over him. Now it's Thursday and I feel as though I will move on eventually and meet someone much better. That didn't take long at all. Thanks for the comments though. You have no idea how much they helped to change my outlook on this whole ordeal.

[Billie63]

After seeing that what the mutual friend said, I re-read your post to see if I'd jumped the gun - after all, the friend knows him very well.

 

But no. His behaviour on that Friday was pretty awful. bearing in mind, the two of you were still in the honeymoon period - I wouldn't expect a man or woman to want to hang out with their friends before meeting up with their latest love.

 

And then he was late. And he lied about it. And expected you to be at his house waiting for him. You see that's what got me, he wanted you there hanging around while he partied away. Warning bells ringing?

 

There is always the chance that he was just trying to cool things down because he was getting too serious about you too quickly.

 

If he chooses to chase after you and explain this, maybe there's a chance for you two?

[Consummate Optimist]

The more I think about it, the more clear everything begins to seem. He never got caught, but he is definitely a cheater. I just didn't have the time, nor was I inclined to go about stalking him, or searching through his private items for proof.

 

I just feel as though he is because we went to a concert early August, and he was literally checking every skirt out around him that he fancied. It made me feel like chopped liver! I didn't say anything to him about it because I didn't want to come off as a jealous maniac. Also, we had just finished arguing about the phone calls he was constantly receiving a bit earlier that week. These are all tell-tale signs that he's not on the up and up.

 

I really doubt if I'd ever get a phone call from him again anyhow because he is so full of himself. With an ego that big, he'd never allow himself to call me and try to work things out. This also tells me that he is the jerk that I dreaded him being. I just didn't understand why he went through the trouble to set up this monogamous relationship with me when he didn't really want monogamy. Also, it really, really burns me up that our children were involved. That could have been avoided. We could have had something different together with no children involved if he'd been honest about himself and what he really wanted. Lesson learned.

[Consummate Optimist]

He just called! He said he misses me and that he is miserable without me. I sent him a text and asked him if he loves me, then how can he be so insincere. I also told him that a person loses faith in you when you lie so unnecessarily. He has yet to respond.

[Billie63]

I think he wanted monogamy from you - I don't think he was applying it to himself!

 

It doesn't surprise me he's rung but I think you're too smart for him to fool. Let us know what he says.