How do I unpick a soul mate from my soul?

[older_no_wiser]

The other half of me. How do I get over him? How do I stop feeling lop-sided? How do I stop aching for the touch of him and the feeling of just having him close by? So many things were wrong with the relationship. And yet the good bits were sheer, unadulterated bliss.

 

I met him after a 15 year marriage break up and was with him off and on for almost nine years. The pain of this beats anything I have ever felt before. The break up of my marriage. The death of my parents.

 

We got together for what was meant to be - for both of us - a one night stand. It was bliss and we both stayed. He said he thought his whole life had been leading him to me. That I had been made for him. And I felt the same. That the two of us together, made up the two halves of some wonderful whole. Just his presence around me made everything feel better, more right and made me feel that I was exactly where I was meant to be. I never knew it was possible to be with somebody for so long and still ache for the touch of them.

 

We broke up a couple fo times. I am a single mum and he couldn't quite hack my independence or the extent that I focussed on my children. And despite being a dad himself, his people skills were not great and he was not good with my daughters.

 

We finally moved in together. Slowly, carefully and after a great deal of thought on my part. I was risking a LOT. And within months it wasn't working. He thought I would change; didn't like feeling outside of the strong bond I share with my kids. It was over in a year. I had to move towns, lose money, move to a smaller house etc. It has been damn tough. I hate him for all that he has put me through. He has moved to a new town further away.

 

It has been a year since that split. As soon as we were moving out, he started to regret it and want me back. I made the mistake of calling him. Many times. The lonliness killed me. The ache in my heart was more than I could stand. I longed for and exaulted in having again, the touch of him. The feeling of having him near me. And yet I cannot forgive him all that he has cost me. CAnnot get over my anger; my frustration at the things he lacks and has put me through. And I know he would not change.

 

It feels like he has been ripped out of me, inch by inch, piece by piece and that the bits are still not all gone. I know that I will never find again the kind of conncetion that made bed a communion. Yet I cannot face the thought of a life with something less nor the loneliness of a life with nothing at all.

 

He would still have us back together in a heartbeat and my head screams at me that that would be wrong, for a hundred different reasons. yet I remember the smell of him, the touch of him, the sounds of him and the feeling of life being better just because he was sitting near me and I do not know how to "move on". Is this what it means to comrpomise in a relationship? That even when the head and logic know all the reasons why you should move on, something intrinsic, something at heart and soul means you should look past all of that because he is "the one" on a level that is much more fundamental than anything the head can throw your way?

 

If I maintain the break, am I perhaps throwing away something that was just meant to be and that I will never hope to replicate? It strikes me that if it took me 38 years to find anything remotely like this, the chance of ever finding it again is very remote. And weighing up the pros and cons is killing me. Should I be settling for all of the things about him that iritate him, for the times of bliss that having him in my life can bring? And yet it was him who wanted to break with ME. How can I take that risk again? And my daugters, having had to move twice because of him and from their home town because of him, how can I set them the example of taking him back, only to maybe have it fail anyway? I do not know what to do. I know what my head tells me is right. But I also know the pian that overwhelms me in the late hours alone. So many "if onlys".

 

If anybody got this far, thank you- and - help?

Edited February 10, 2008 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[prisonbreak]

Lots of stuff going on there. 1st of all, I'm so sorry you and your kids are going thru this. Your kinda at a cross roads. I wish I had some good advice, alot of people on LS are so good with their words and know what to say. I can try to give you my 2 cents and give you some things to ponder.

 

So, he wants you back? well thats gotta be a good feeling...no? But has he made any changes? You want to make sure he wants you back for the right reasons, not just because he lost you. But you did say, he will not change. You don't want to be in this same boat a few yrs down the road with him. Maybe just take this time to heal your hurt and calm your anger. I think that takes time.

 

As for not going back because of the kids and what that teaches them...You can look at it from a different view point. If you took him back, you can show your daughters what forgiveness looks like. You set the example of giving 110% for someone you love. You teach them, not everything is black and white, sometimes their are gray areas and you have to take a leap of faith. I would just make sure it's really going to work this time around. But you can show them many of good things out of this, either way.

 

Keep us posted and good luck

 

and don't let loniness and the thought of never finding someone else be your reason for being with him.

[LucreziaBorgia]

I am a single mum and he couldn't quite hack my independence or the extent that I focussed on my children. And despite being a dad himself, his people skills were not great and he was not good with my daughters... didn't like feeling outside of the strong bond I share with my kids.

 

He tried to make you choose between him and your own motherhood. I'm not sure why you would want someone like this in your life and your children's life, much less consider him a soulmate.

 

If anything your children are spared life with a man who resents them and sees them as obstacles in his relationship with you.

[vintagecat]

You answered my friendship thread and I'll return the favor because this thing called love is what I'm good at, knowledge gained from the school of hard knocks.

 

A few thoughts: The feelings that you are experiencing will fade over time. They will fade much more quickly if you don't call this man, don't think about him (yes it's possible, ask me how) and don't entertain the what ifs. It seems like you might still have one foot in on the possibility that there is a future for a good life with this man and I think that you know in your heart the real answer to this one.

 

Anecdote: Years ago I had a relationship with an extremely bright, talented and beautiful musician but he was also very troubled and there were issues in our relationship that we could not resolve. Like you in many ways there were elements of our relationship that were near perfect, almost transcendent, but there were some pretty major deal breakers that I just couldn't get around and he was not interested in changing some of those things.

 

So I went to a counselor to help sort things out and he listened to me go through my story and asked me to take a week and make a list of all the things that were truly good about the relationship and then a list of the things that were problems. So I made my lists.

 

I brought the lists in on my next visit and he read the lists without comment other than to ask me to reread the problem list. He then asked me if I thought there was the possibility that anything on the negative list would ever change for the better given the man in question. The answer was probably not. He then asked if I thought that things on that list of negatives would grow or get worse over time and I said that it was likely as some situations had deteriorated quite a bit over the time I had been with him.

 

Then he asked me to reread the list of the good things about the relationship and asked whether these things would be enough to deal with the things on the problem list, and whether the good things would possibly deteriorate over time as well. He pointed out that I was clearly unhappy now (I had used practically a full box of tissues in several sessions) and asked me whether I could be truly happy and content with the situation as it was and as it would likely become in the future saying it wasn't a matter of who's right or wrong, it was a matter of whether I was happy and could accept the situation as it was without changing it, wanting to change it or hoping it would change.

 

It was like the scales fell off my eyes. I had an Aha! moment right there in his office and he knew it. He advised me because we were not married but living together and had no children to make a quick and clean break and for me move out immediately. I did. He also asked me to keep those lists and to reread them a year later and said that if I left the relationship I would wonder what I was thinking for staying so long and if I returned to it, likely those lists would still be in play with worsened conditions.

 

It was painful at first but it got better and better. I got smarter in love and I figured out that I deserved to find a mate that would make me happy, not one that plucked my heart out on a regular basis. I had some decent relationships, and some so-so ones afterwards but I slowly refined what it was that I needed and wanted from a relationship and what were deal breakers for me. I became determined to find someone that had enough heart to share and that could seriously work through issues that might come up in a long term relationship. I also finally gave up actively looking for love and it happened then practically at that moment much to my surprise and amazement. It took 10 years to find the right man but I've been happily married for 16 years.

 

BTW, I went through papers that had been put away for years about 5 years ago and I came across those lists. I laughed hard and long that I had been willing to put up with such rubbish and was ever grateful to that brilliant counselor for his good work. I burned the lists in my kitchen sink because that life was long gone and I'd rather live alone than deal with the things I tried to cope with all for a great roll in the hay and some momentary endorphin highs.

 

All the best to you. Try not to wallow in this. Make the decision and make it final. There is life and a good one with another man after a grand passion. I'm a testament to that fact.

 

Cat