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He's not affectionate, why?

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Old 2nd December 2007, 1:46 AM   #1
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Wink He's not affectionate, why?

So my ex finally divorced. It was coming for a while now. During his troubled marriage we meet up many times , I was like his support system, his friend but also the girl he never stopped loving. He made a mistake by marrying this girl and during our conversations we both proclaimed our love for each other, and the fact that it is still alive.Never during the time we meet have we been physical, no kissing, holding, Nothing. I didn't think it was proper and neither did he because he was still married. We slowly started to recapture the lost months and always holding strong feelings for each other.

Ok, so now he is divorced, still living with her in separate rooms (which is weird to me) but the lease is almost up and by Jan they must go their separate ways.
Now here is the problem, I have been so patient, understanding and hopeful to start our relationship again. Do you think he has even attempted to kiss me, attempted any type of physical contact besides a hug and maybe a kiss in the forehead once in a while. WHAT IS GOING ON? He is divorced and still treats me the same. We don't see each other but once or twice a week. Im getting frustrated and my patience is running out. I've tried to initiate some sort of contact but he never follows. I don't want to take any more initiatives,I want him to start. It's almost like Im there like a friend and nothing else, but he swears up and down that he want to live with me and have a committed relationship. Wouldn't he want to see me regularly, go out on dates, start this relationship already?

How do I break this no-intimacy phase? Why is he acting this way? How much longer do I wait? Am I doing something wrong?

Please share some insight...Thank you!
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Old 2nd December 2007, 1:54 AM   #2
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he way want to wait a while longer out of respect for his ex-wife. even if he doesn't love her he probably still cares about her somewhat and wouldn't want to make it more difficult by jumping into another relationship with someone else.
i would wait until Jan, it's just mean to the ex-wife if you try something sooner. the separation will go more smoothly if you wait, then you'll have smooth sailing.

maybe ask to go on a day-time date? that way he wouldn't be out late and upset his ex-wife. you have to remember that he has to go home to her and she could easily flip out about what he's doing, maybe he's avoiding you to avoid her wrath?
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Old 2nd December 2007, 3:29 AM   #3
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No, you dont do anything for others always.Everybody does things according to their instincts.If he really feels like kissing you,he would have kissed even if his married life was going smoothly.Logic,situations never come between love and you know what, you cannot understand what he's feeling like, doesnt matter how hard you try.He may be in love with you as he's truthful but you need to realise that what's holding him back has not much to do with his past but things need time.He is going to start a new life soon and you have to go very slowly,walking shoulder to shoulder and respecting his feelings afterall its a hard phase in life which he's going through.He dreams of a very good future with you and is hoping that life would become so much better with you...actually he's working real hard on detaching himself from his wife.I can say this because once when I was seeing somebody I was also slow at things and sometimes felt odd.And one more thing, you shouldnt say 'i love you' before he tells you and never initiate things before you feel he's really into you because your relationship has just started and you need to keep the spark on by not turning him off! This is the only way to get him more affectionate- Just leave him the way he is right now.Iam telling you what I felt like in my situation.The feelings werent intense beween that guy and me and it was sometimes boring when we talked but when he said "i love you" before putting the phone down, it really turned me off and then I had st arted to say "thank you" and had to tell him I feel odd and that he should wait.
So he did a mistake.I hope you understand what Iam saying...If you push him,he would probably start thinking of his wife.So keep loving without expecting and let him get closer to you naturally.

Last edited by kitkat289; 2nd December 2007 at 3:31 AM..
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Old 2nd December 2007, 3:36 AM   #4
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He's just gotten his divorce. That's the end of what they thought was a lifetime commitment. It takes a while to get through the emotional fall-out of a divorce...even if things were bad between them, he obviously cared for her at some point, deeply enough to marry her.

He needs to get over the end of that relationship before he has anything to offer you. He's still damaged.

You've been through break-ups, I'm sure. Even though you might be interested in someone else, it still takes time to wade through all the crap in your head and heart before you are whole and strong enough to be able to truly give of yourself to someone else. Be patient and give him some time before you start freaking out.
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Old 2nd December 2007, 11:16 AM   #5
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thank you for your responses. Well when he married her, he knew it wasn't in love. We had just broken up and 3 months later he was married. There are other issues involved which I will not go into detail, but all I have to say is that he never feel in love with this lady, or at least that's what he claims.
They had a 1 1/2yr marriage to which I was present on and off. We would loose touch for months and then start contact again. He never thought of her long term, but he did me. That's why he made a mistake.

I will give him his time, and Im not being pushy but it does bother me that he's never attempted to be affectionate. When we send txt messages or talk over the phone or when we see each other, we both say "I love you", hug say goodbye and that's all. Our relationship is like we were together without the physical. Which was ok for all this time, but now I really need to feel like I have someone. I'll still be patient and maybe after she moves out it will be different. I won't start anything and he knows that.
I just hope he is being sincere with his feelings and not using me as a comfort zone whenever it's convenient for him.
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Old 2nd December 2007, 12:19 PM   #6
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what I get from your situation is that there's no 'lust' and you know love cannot happen where there is no 'lust'.Might sound silly but I didnt understand how he never even held you....Its possible that he doesnt have strong feelings neither for you nor for his wife.Above all, I would say nobody here knows the answers except you,yourself.If you feel he is not in love then he is really not and if you feel he is then obviously he is.Only you can feel from the way he treats you and from his eyes,voice and by the way your story is a little weird.I wish you could get out of the mess, the day he got married to this lady so that you didnt have to face these problems now.
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Old 2nd December 2007, 1:39 PM   #7
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three things come to mind...

1. Unfinished business. They say it takes up to two years to get over a divorce, less if you are not really connected but still a LONG TIME. If he was ready to start a physical relationship with you he would have initiated one.

Those that do latch on to the new without dealing, really dealing with the 'old' make terrible long term partners because they are emotional cowards unable to face the pain of healing and unwilling to take the time that that requires.

2. Do you sleep with your support system? You may well be the girl he turns to in crisis but now ready to have some freedom he may well be thinking twice about leaping straight into another relationship. Least of all with someone that represented a kind of release from the frustrations of his marriage. It might feel like sleeping with your therapist.

They say never NEVER NEVER! get involved with a recently divorced person because they are just not emotionally stable enough to build a long term relationship and when they are, they won't want any reminder of that particularly painful period of their life. Even from the one that helped them through it.

3. You cannot turn back time. You did not tell your full story (that's okay) but in my experience, if you don't marry the one you 'loved' back then but chose another, there is always a reason for that. That reason (whether it be he didn't love you enough, he didn't know himself enough, he had no strength of character, he could not face the problems that would entail...) is still there and may well be the reason for his turning away from you (again).
"Never think you've seen the last of anything" Eudora Welty:
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Old 3rd December 2007, 7:33 PM   #8
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Ok..Reckless I have the need to explain because you have some good points. First, I was the one that broke it off with him because I had some issues to deal with that didn't involve him and needed my space.
Second, he hooked up with this girl out of spite for what I did to him and also because he needed to find someone to help him stay in this country longer.
In other words, he married for papers.
I asked him once if there was any emotional connection with this girl, and obviously he cared for her at the beginning and gave their relationship a chance and both agreed to marry. However he never fell in love with her like he did with me. I guess we both made a mistake by not staying with each other, but that's the way it is.

Im just concerned that after he has been intimate with her for so long he doesn't desire me the way he use to. I don't know what to think, maybe he's just not interested or in some twisted way he prefers her because she is there, living with him.

I just things were the way they use to be.
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Old 3rd December 2007, 7:44 PM   #9
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Well when he married her, he knew it wasn't in love
But I'm sure he does care about her, and did have feelings of affection and emotional attachment to her, otherwise they never would have gotten married.

Give him time and space. He still needs to grieve and get over her and the marriage...even if it seems he is happier, he still needs time between the marriage ending and starting up a relationship with you again. If it is going to happen, it will - Just be a friend and allow him the space he needs.

See what happens when they aren't living under the same roof...Then, talk to him about how he feels about you.
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Old 9th December 2007, 4:26 PM   #10
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our last conversatiion

We had our talk and he says that he did have feelings for his wife. He initially really liked her (obviously) and developed feelings. He's confused and wants to clear out his head at the same time know he doesn't want to be with her.
I don't understand, he always talks about her, the problems, the things she did, said, etc.

I guess he does have something. I always thought he was complaining about it, but I think he actually dieveloped feeling and he is having a hard time letting go. How silly of me, I really never thought he could until our last conversation because he always said I was the one.

However, when I finally asked him about being affectionate he said he didn't want to disrespect me...what??? more like he didn't want to disrespect her.
Im somewhat in shock and confused and just frustrated.

Patience is all I have...
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Old 15th December 2007, 1:43 AM   #11
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He married her again...and now there is no contact.
I asked him just before he married how he felt about me and he couldn't answer. I asked him what I meant in his life and what he wanted from me and he couldn't answer. I swear this is just exhausting. I had enough, this time I mean it. I don't feel anything for him except emptiness. He takes but doesn't give me in return. How can someone change their minds so quickly. I was the one, the I love you, the you deserve more than anything in this world, the love deeply. Now....Im the "I don't know"
Maybe I turned him off, or maybe he's just been playing games with me and I feel like a blind dummy, thinking he really needed me and wanted me.

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Old 15th December 2007, 10:35 AM   #12
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wait, between dec 9 and now he got remarried? like in the past week?
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Old 15th December 2007, 3:14 PM   #13
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Yes he remarried. I have lost him again, and I think it this forever this time.
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