Dumped 2 weeks before finals

[Megakurth]

Hello everyone,

 

Thought id share my unfortunate experience with you all, maybe get some advice, etc.

 

My girlfriend of a year and half dumped me on the 21st (this also happened to be our year and a half anniversary).

 

We both go to college together and have both been going out with eachother pretty much from the beginning of college on. She had a very strict religious background, I sort of lost my religion throughout the years, but we made it work. We had our rocky moments, maybe did some things the way that they shouldn't be done, but I always thought things were going pretty well and that we could get beyond our problems. Heres where the big picture started. Shes a chem major, loves everything about it, im political science, but thats not really whats important (will come in to context later on). She has a tendancy to cling on to a click of friends and then eventually they wind up ditching her (its a sad situation but.. for some reason they don't like the fact that she spends time with me and not them which usually makes them ditch her). Shes a very busy student, honors, high gpa, the whole spiel, im average, mid 3.2 gpa, should take things a little more seriously but don't always.

 

Unfortunately, ive been dealing with some family issues since we started going on (alcohol and drug problems within family but ive stayed away from them) and she comes from a very strong knit family that gets together and plays family board games each week. She wanted to tell her family about whats been going on in my family and I told her that I felt like now wasn't the right time (sometimes families hear that someones family has a problem and they might not want their daughter to be with that person). It also takes a toll on me as I get a little more irritable and stressed. I told her everything and told her that I felt I could lose her because of all the problems and in a way felt like at times I could turn out the same way and needed her by my side to make sure that didn't happen. I have a good head on my shoulders, learned from experiencing this all with the family and stayed away from any kind of addiction problems, but so did my father as a young man.. She always told me she would stand by my side no matter what and that she would never leave me.

 

I now live with my grandparents (the whole upstairs is unoccupied, I don't really cause them any problems and they seem more than happy to have me, I work and everything while there). She came to visit me several times, built a relationship with them, as I did with her family who welcomed me with open arms, yet I still always had a fear that they didn't like me deep down (its part of my person trust issues). We are 8 hours away from eachother (she lives right by the school, I live about 7 away, but we always maintained contact, visits, etc)

 

Anyway, lets fast forward. The only times we really got into any fights were when either one of us was overly stressed, spending too much or too little time together, or just normal couple things. We spent the whole summer together working at the college as orientation leaders and believe me, its hell and we actually made it through that alive. Also this year, besides all of my family problems, my grandfather passed away and she was there by my side for the funeral and everything. This year has been tough on me emotionally and physically (I feel worn out sometimes). We were also eachothers real first relationship, but it felt like a strong one, we had a strong bond with eachother, were pretty open with eachother, and were willing to wait for eachothers "needs" (we waited over a year for those, making sure we were both ready and both committed.. or so I thought). Neither of us really gave us pressure towards anything. Also, I had a good on campus job that had an opening, I got it for her (we work on different days so its the same position, but we don't really work together)

 

I liked to spend alot of time together. Laying in bed watching tv, playing wii, cuddling, cooking with eachother, and unfortunately with the bad winter months, we couldn't go outside much, but we still did alot of things together. I guess im one of those hopeless romantic guys, suprised her with sushi, flowers, cooked for her, other stuff, just to show I cared.

 

Now about a month or two back, she started hanging out with these two new people who she knew, but only recently started getting close with. One is a senior whos a female that we'll call J, another is a Junior male who we'll call K. Theyre both chemistry majors. She started hanging out with them alot, sometimes doing work, but other times going out to dinner, hanging out, drinking. Now, this I didn't mind, and shed get upset at times if I didn't wanna join in their fun, but as I said, at times, im irritable, I was going through personal things at the time and I felt somewhat like she was ditching me, especially because a few times she said wed go to dinner, she went with them instead somewhere. Now, many times, she started hanging out with K ALOT. They were on the lounges doing labs, late night library nights, etc. She then was going and playing pool alot with him and his brothers, when she worked, he was at the desk doing work with her, but alot of times, I saw them, it was just leisurable chat. He was also the kind of guy that sort of tells other peoples girlfriends how they liked some girl once but was rejected, played the sort of pity thing, made the girlfriend feel bad (ive seen this too many times before). One time I even suprised her in the library when she said she was gonna be finishing her paper so we could hang out for the weekend (which was our anniversary), and she was there, I guess sorta reading, but also BSing with the kid. I confronted her with it, told her it bothered me, told her I didn't know what his or her intentions were, and told her that if it were me hanging with a girl all the time, shed get jealous. She agreed but also got upset. We got into a fight about it about 3 times. They always ended up with us making up and getting beyond it. It was also her time of the month so I figured she was more irritable. I guess I also had this feeling of abandonment sometimes. I actually sort of broke down and told her all my emotions and what id do without her the night before she dumped me and I guess it made me seem weak, but she said she would never leave me.

 

Then that Saturday, the 21st. She had a convention she had to go to, wouldn't be home till the afternoon and then we had planned to go out to dinner and have a nice night. I also started a second job that day which turned out to be very tiresome. I got back, she got back, she came over, I suggested that we nap for abit since it was a long day for the both of us. She was fine with that. So we did, I woke up abit before her, was doing my usual things, kissing her neck, rubbing her back, etc, trying to ease her into waking up. She then seemed to be getting mad, said she wouldve rather went to the park instead of napping, then I asked her why she was getting upset and she told me "I can't do this anymore". She got up, told me she was done and sorry and that we can still be friends, I broke down, she left, told one of my suitemates to take care of me, and left. I decided to sulk abit, then call her, see if we could work it out. She said it was over, I told her that if we didn't do dinner, id regret it for the rest of my life. I went and got sushi from our first date sushi place which had just reopened, drove her to the park where I expected to go under the tree and eat and fix our problem, but she was unwilling. I did the wrong thing, broke down, told her I wanted to end it, told her I needed her.. etc..

 

I then drove her back, called her before I went to bed and said to really think hard about it. I also proposed a break period just because we were both under stress and other things, and she said she wouldn't wanna go through this pain again. So that next morning, she was working, I went to visit her at work and get a drink, I asked her if she had thought about things, she said her answer hadn't changed and I told her that I wanted to meet later and talk. I called her when she got off work, she said she wanted to nap, I let her, she called me and I said that I had some stuff to give back. I gave her back almost everything she ever gave me, notes, etc. Gave her all the pictures from my computer and everything. I met her, she was very cold, I asked her if she could at least give me some closure, she just said she wasn't happy, and wasn't happy since December (which I can't believe, so much happened between then) and that she still wanted to be friends. I read every note she ever gave me, every card, and asked her if it meant anything, she said it did but she was sorry. I asked if someone else was involved, she said no. So that day I left, went back to my room and went to bed. Both of us deleted everything of eachother off facebook and myspace, aim profiles etc. I admit at times, I mightve said the wrong things, about how she looks or what she did or something, but ive got a problem where I feel like I need to be perfect at times and my family always put a heavy amount of competition on me. Shed get mad at me if I strived for perfection sometimes.

 

Since then, we hadn't talked. I passed her alot, usually with K and J or just K. I unfortunately checked her facebook and myspaces, got a litte sad at some of the things. She seems to be over me pretty fast, whether shes just coping or what. There was a concert at my school where I tried to have as much fun as I could, but she was there with her crew and unfortunately, we ended up near eachother. There has been no contact at all since then. Ive been taking this really rough, saw the school counselor, spoke to family, friends, haven't eaten much, just hadn't been myself. Today, I visited her for the first time. I did what my uncle told me and made her a list of my contacts and told her we should talk this summer and try to become friends (unfortunately prior to this, I found out we're living on the same floor next year). I also gave her a letter I wrote a couple days after the breakup, not asking for her to come back to me, but just my feelings at that time, as positive as possible, just showing her I have a positive outlook. It was a small, but friendly convo, I poked her in the nose with a boop sound at the end (I used to do that alot), she smiled and teared abit, as did I as I walked away. She said she had something else to give me back (something from a necklace I gave her that she gave me back). I want to contact her so badly, but I know the no-contact thing is probably best for now.

 

Originally I was also gonna stay here for the summer and get an apartment, but I changed the plans when she dumped me. I figured I needed to get home and see my friends for the summer. Ive also signed up for counseling when im home to help me through my problems and might get involved in ALANON if possible. I figure I can get past some of my problems and get a little more positive.

 

Now, I am wondering.. I read some other posts and was wondering if there is really any chance of us ever getting back together. Its two weeks as of tomorrow. Finals are going to be tough but, I know ill get through them and be home in a few days and start counseling right away (its all set up). I know I sound like any other ex, but I really am fond of this girl. I don't know if anythings going on between her and this guy or not. Im going to give it some time, fix my life, and try to show her how I changed myself for the better and wondering if theres hope for us, if not, even friendship will be good, especially since we'll be going here for a while and living on the same floor. I am not going to wait either, but I do feel like some contact this summer will be good, maybe she can even give me closure. She isn't going to have anyone but her family and a few close friends this summer, im wondering if maybe theres a chance for us to get back together if I show her that I fixed alot of things that caused us to argue to begin with (insecurities, etc) and better my life.

 

Sorry for being so long and overdrawn, im very detailistic and somewhat upset at the moment. Any advice would be great. Thank you for taking the time to read it.

[Tangerina]

I'm really sorry to hear your story, everything will be alright in the end but I hate how messy it can be in the meantime. Just hang in there and keep posting.

 

Once I was dumped from a 3 year relationship the night before a final. I did very poorly.

[Megakurth]

Yea, im sure ill pull through. First final is tomorrow (originally I thought I had two tomorrow but its a little more spaced out so I should be prepared). Its tough to pick your ass up sometimes and do what you gotta, but ive been pulling through, even though theres been some misery. Only bad thing is, I haven't been able to eat in 3 days (was eating for a while, then on Thursday I ate, went to a concert where she was.. having a good time.. and then got back and threw up, haven't been able to eat since). Ive been drinking plenty of water and taking vitamins which should be able to help me out till I get home and out of the environment here. My problem is, I see everything as a ray of hope. Her tearing up a little yestarday gave me some hope that there could be a future between us, but not much.

 

Now, since I gave her my contact information, should I wait to see if she contacts me, or contact her mid summer or something just to say hi and make small talk. I was hoping that maybe I can eventually get into phone conversation with her, then talk about some good memories, butter it up abit, and then maybe discuss going out to dinner or something just as friends when school starts up again (I want it to be more than just friends, but I figure it might be a start).

 

Any advice? Thanks

[Tangerina]

As hard as it is, don't contact her. You could set yourself a date during the summer, say, two months from now when you would be allowed to contact her, but in the meantime work on focusing on your own life and getting over her and I'm sure you'll find when that time comes around 2 months from now you won't really feel a burning need to contact her or try to get back together or anything. If she contacts you, be polite and friendly but don't get into any relationship topics... good luck!

[Megakurth]

well I know two months is alot of time. When we do contact eachother, would it be wise to bring up some happy memories? Im doing what I can to avoid contact right now, but Im still at the stage where I really want her back, and I have a feeling in two months ill still feel that way. Also I want to add that we're gonna be 8 hours away for the summer. Not sure how that will effect things, but I think thats a good amount of space. Also I guess I made the mistake of telling her we needed to cut off contact for now so we could be friends in the future.. But when I did see her yestarday, its when I gave her my info and told her we should talk this summer since we're gonna be on the same floor..

[hanna&hunter]

Thanks for your help with my problem. It gave me a fresh perspective. Now I'm going to try yours.

 

When you said that thing about checking her myspace and facebook and getting upset, I got a weird chill. It's almost the exact same way with me, they are relaying "I love yous" and flirty jokes every time I look. We're both in very different situations, but the pain is all the same.

 

On one hand, you'd probably like to show her exactly how much it hurts. But you don't want to, because you'd rather not put her through it since you care so much. I wish my ex would show me such mercy, but I pretty much deserve all of it anyway...

 

I can tell you what I felt that propelled me to make a good guy friend.

 

I felt that earning acceptance from a hard-to-get guy would put me up a little higher up on the insecure totem pole I'd carved for myself...and almost completely disregarded the fact that I was in a relationship to begin with.

 

Sometimes Hunter wasn't as attentive as I'd liked, and I sometimes wonder that if he'd shown more affection toward me I wouldn't have sought attention elsewhere. But that's more my issue. He's kinda low key, and i wouldn't have it any other way, but sometimes it gets tricky having to guess his feelings or ask him all the time.

 

You were always showering her with little surprises, so that shouldn't be the issue for you. Once I'd earned said guy's friendship, I felt that I had to keep him trailing along just so that when I doubted Hunter's feelings for me, I could always fall back and think, well, at least someone thinks I'm awesome. It was a kind of safety net I'd set up for myself.

 

So, do you think she feel comfortable enough with you to begin with?

 

P.S.: The worst part is the wondering if they've moved on...

[Megakurth]

I felt that there was always a comfort thing, but at the same time, she wanted me to be better friends with her friends and hang out all together, but I guess I was abit reluctant sometimes. I also let my own emotions get in the way sometimes and shut me out. Also, in regards to the whole facebook/myspace thing, there were no I love you's or anything, more like different things from their classes, inside jokes, names like "baggy douche" and stuff. I don't know if she was necessarily falling back on him, it seemed more like he seemed nice and they could relate on chemistry on the same level, also she saw him as a good study partner. I mean, I got jealous, but at the same time, I shouldve been the one with her studying when thats what she was doing, or at least making the effort to visit. I can't necessarily say he was a very big challenge on the totem pole, in a way, hes the epitomy of a nerd (which she kinda is herself, but I really liked how she was) and im not sure whether either of them are going to bring it past the point of just friends.

 

I know I need to cope with my problems before I can be with her again, if she even has any interest in me. When she broke up, she said she still loved me, I kinda forced a final kiss saying id regret it if I couldn't, she did, she said that she can't go beyond that though and that if she made a mistake, she may come back one day, but she didn't see it happening. I think she just wanted a feeling of freedom and not being tied down to the obligation of having to spend time with someone to be happy. Im gonna give her space, maybe when I get home, give her a couple IMs or something telling her I made it home ok, maybe tell her that the summers going pretty good so far, what im getting involved in, show her that I am bettering myself. Whether that helps me get into a relationship with her one day or just be friends, living on the same floor will be hell if we can't come to terms with eachother. Things have been civil so far, and yestarday was the first hello since the breakup. I unfortunately started smoking cigarettes since she broke up with me and it upset her abit, but I told her that I needed to cope with the next week and that I know I would not do it past it (which I won't). I really think what she needs is to realize what she had in me, and not in these other people. I mean, I did what I could for her, tried to make her happy, and tried to be happy when I couldn't. I feel like if I can discover self-happiness, then maybe we can discover happiness within eachother. Anyways, thanks for the advice

[Megakurth]

Got another question. Im trying to move on, but at the same time I really want her back. Ive been reading some mixed posts, not sure what to think. She initially told me she felt this way for a while, but I just can't believe that, I want to believe that she was more of less trying to get me to get away from her. I was weak, she needed me to be strong, I probably wasn't. I do however have something she gave me back, which was a necklace which I bought her and a pair of earings. When we did finally speak the other day after 1 week, she told me she had something from the necklace to give back. I feel like when she does, I might as well give her the earings back. I have no need for them, and they were intended for her. The necklace im just planning on putting in a safe and saving for now, not sure what ill do with it in the future (both are her birthstones). I plan on talking to her this summer, slowly but, just small talk. Is this a wise idea? I know im gonna have to be some kind of aquaintance with her.. shes gonna live on my floor. I also know that what she said about feeling unhappy since December really can't be true.. we had so many good times since then, so many things changed, and I believe with just all the stresses in our lives, she didn't wanna be my emotional crutch anymore. Im bettering myself now, and im gonna continue to this summer before contacting her. Unfortunately, there probably is no chance for her coming back, but im still at the stage where I want to hope there is..

[Megakurth]

alright well, theres an update today. Since she had some stuff she said she had to give me still and I had some stuff I needed to give her, I sent her a facebook message for her to come by my work. She came by, I asked if we could talk for a few, we did. She told me she never wants me to forget how great I am and she doesn't want to be cold towards me or anything. I gave her a hug and wished her a good summer and she said the same. Afterwards, I read the letter. It said that she read my letter and it helped to give her some closure too and know how I was feeling. She put that she never wanted it to be this way or never wanted to hurt me, but she said in her heart, she felt like she just couldn't make it work anymore. Sounds like typical tv breakup kinda closure to me, but its better than nothing. I called her up after that, went to her room.. (i know what youre all thinking.. no). I told her I wanted the notes and pictures and stuff back that I originally gave her when she dumped me. I said theres no point in forgetting the past, and that I would need to put them away for now, but one day look back at what a great thing we had. She had all the stuff in a box, so I went through it, we talked, laughed a little. Then I got everything I needed, and told her I could only wish there was more stuff to look at. So we stood up, hugged, we both teared abit, then I asked her if she thought that maybe one day, another time, another place we could be together, she said she didn't know. She said that the way she feels now in her heart is that shes always done things for other people and not herself and she said she feels like she has to do this for herself for now. She hoped that one day, we can get together and have sushi like old times, just not romantically. Its gonna be a long summer, 8 hours away from eachother, but she still wants to talk alot and still wants me to call her, she even said she better get some drunk phone calls from me. She said her family still thinks im a great guy too and she will never stop thinking that. I really don't know what time will tell, unfortunately, I still have romantic feelings for her, and I told her that. She said she does too, but she knows we both need to move on, for now at least. We hugged for a few minutes, shared some tears, and then I kissed her cheek, she kissed mine, then she kissed my lips.. most likely for the last time.. I can't help but still feel empty inside, still feel hurt, and still feel upset, but I know I must move on now, and if anything in the future were to happen, only time will tell. I know hearts change and maybe one day she will be ready for me, but at the same time, I can't wait for ever. Maybe when we talk this summer, things will go differently, until then.. I miss her.. but I know its time to go on...

 

sorry if it sounded a little overdramatic and stuff, but its the way im feeling in my current state. 3 finals down, 2 more to go. It seems to get harder, but a little easier each day. I just wish there was something I could say to her to make her love me again.. the way I love her.. still..

 

 

Any advice would be great, I could really use some

[ryanisfootdrums]

Hey Megakurth, the same thing that happened to you happened to me on March 17th.

 

It happened almost the exact same way. I could've written your last post (2 years together / final kiss up in her room/she needed to find out who she was etc...) I was blindsided and in denial for a while. It has been about a month and a half since the breakup for me.

 

Things do get better, but they get weirder first. I used to long for reconciliation and try to do LC (low contact) with her, but now my mindset has changed. At first I knew that I needed to move on, but at the time I didn't want to.

 

Now I don't want anything to do with her. My trust was betrayed (we were engaged btw), and I deserve somebody who will never leave me like that.

 

You deserve a woman who will never leave you Megakurth. As time goes on the love you feel for her will fade because of the lack of reciprocation. She screwed you over man.

 

This same thing recently happened to two guy friends I have too. I think it is common in college for girls to feel the need for freedom and independance from LTRs.

 

You are gonna make it.

[Megakurth]

yeah, I know things will eventually pick up. Main problem is, I feel like its stupid to hate eachother. I mean, we're gonna live on the same floor, we work at the same place, we have USG meetings to go to together, so we might as well try to be friends. I know she screwed me over, even though I try to look at it like "she did it for herself". Id rather have someone be honest then just fake love, as good as it may feel, because if shes not happy, then im not truly happy either. As of now, I hope that her decision will change, but its only been 2 weeks and we're still so close to eachother being at a small campus and everything, so its hard not to see eachother. Ill do the LC contact just because she was there for me whenever I needed her (my grandfather died and stuff) and if I need any kind of support that way, she could be there as a friend. Regardless though, im moving on, and if she ever comes back, I can't say ill be waiting. If opportunity comes, I might as well take it. I still love her now, but she made her decision, and I can't beg, I can't force, I can't want anymore. I have to say though, emotional wise, if she ever needs me (IE death or something), I would be there for her, just the way she was for me, only this time without the romantic feeling. Its gonna be hard to cope, but I know I will. Im still at the stage where I can't yet but hope she comes to her senses and realizes that her heart still feels the same for me, I can't tell though and ill never know, maybe her senses are telling her the correct thing now, im not her, I thought I knew her, but sometimes you can only know someone so well.

 

 

On the other hand, if I wanted to be an ass, if I were to ever get a girl back to my room, I could easily walk by her room and wave, but im not a jerk either.. Im usually someone who holds grudges and never forgives, but I know thats not how I want to be.. theres no sense in faking happiness if youre not happy.

[Guest]

Hi ryan and megakurt. Amazing my story is exactly the same just like you saidyou could have posted it well that could have been my story as well.

The line of she needs to find herself. What a load of crap!!!!! Did yo get any of this I still love you but I just need to be by myself for a bit, what about I dont want to hurt you but i need to do this for myself at the moment. hey still dont mind kissing you and in the first week th dont mind touching your arm or hand. Problem is they are just feeling bad for what they are doing. And dont you love that bit about Ive been thinking about this for a long time now and it just hasnt beenthat good for a while!!!! When you thin about it the last week of my relationship was great the night before she was all over me. Then the next night she turns up andsays break!!!! I was with my gf 3 1/2 years... People have to relise girls lose there feelings afer being n the relationship for a while especially if the guy is a nice guy. They like to be kept chasing for a bit and until they get a bit older and realise how to have a relationship they keep leaving or elase they stay with a jerk and then realise later what a mistake they made...

 

This happens alot mate and theres not much you can do sorryto say.

 

good luck with whatever you decide.

[Megakurth]

I only wish I knew the answer to what I decide.. The only decision I can make now is to either dwell or move on