He has left the country

[NC377]

I recently broke up with someone after 2 1/2 years of being together. He was from another country and I was always reluctant about continuing the relationship knowing that he might go back home. But he assured me that I could always go with him.

 

So, after 6 months of living together, his job was in jeapordy and he was thinking about going back home. He told me that he wanted to take a trip alone to think about things. I asked if we were breaking up, but he didn't want to talk about it.

 

Then one day, I see him looking at apartment ads and I ask if we are moving. He said you move out when you find a place and I will move out when I find a place. No discussion. A couple of weeks later, I ask him if he wants to move out separately and he says yes. He also doesn't want me to go back to his home country with him. I ask him if we are breaking up and he says that he doesn't want to talk. So a week later, I move out without any discussion. He is polite, but doesn't say anything. I leave saying hope to see you around and presume it is a permanent breakup.

 

I take the breakup badly at first, take a long vacation myself and slowly try to pull myself out of the depths of despair. I run into him unexpectedly a month later at an event. He keeps trying to come up to me to talk and we catch up a bit. Nothing has changed though. He still had his job and was about to take a trip. I try to leave as quickly as possible.

 

Then I get an email a couple of months later. He has come back from his trip and wants to give me some mail. He has no job. I tell him to mail it to me. He sends an email a couple of days after that to tell me he is leaving the country and would like to see me. I tell him I am "busy" but wished him well and said that perhaps I would see him one day on my travels to his home country.

 

The question is should I send another email saying that I wasn't really busy and lay everything out since we never talked when we broke up. I just couldn't face seeing him before he left and when I am ready, perhaps one day we can meet. However, I was really hurt that there was no discussion about how we were ending things. I don't think it is a good idea to keep contact right now. I have moved apartments, gotten a better job, found a completely new group of people to hang with, am getting used to being single again and am trying to stay away from anything that reminds me of him (ie. common friends, old hangouts).

[oppath]

No, don't send that email. Send one in a couple months asking how he is when your wounds are more healed.

 

I admire your strength. I too faced the decision to let go of mutual friends and social hangouts so I don't run into my ex and her friends. Carve out your own niche! Stay strong.

[tikigods]

I think at this point that you shouldn't send that email. It sounds to me that you are working your way to getting back on track with your life, and I don't think that any answers he gives you will realy explain why all the sudden he wanted you out of his life. I think this is one of those cases that talking to him again will just reopen old wounds and hurts and its better to let sleeping dogs lie.

 

I have to say though that you have a lot of strenght to pick yourself up like that after what sounds like a very one sided break up

[NC377]

Thanks so much for the advice and encouragement. I really do appreciate it. The break-up before this one taught me so much about how I screwed up the “no contact” rule. I wanted to make sure that I didn’t repeat the same mistake by contacting him. This break-up is so much better than the last one that I wanted to make sure I didn’t stray. In hindsight, I should have seen it coming. He was always looking for “the one” (which I guess was not me) and perhaps he will find her one day. Here’s hoping that I do too.

 

During the last breakup, I kept feeling sorry for my ex and kept in contact for a year after we officially broke up. I should have just looked after my needs. He kept dragging me in with the promise of getting back together and then didn’t. After not talking for a while, he would drag me in again. Unfortunately, I was not strong enough to say no. Then, one day, I guess I just realized I couldn’t do it anymore and blocked him from my e-mail. Never have heard from him or seen him again. I know it is the best. It took me 2 ½ years after that to date again and it changed the way I trusted men. I mean, if you aren’t into someone, just let he/she move on. Why keep them around so that you aren’t lonely or as a safety net just in case you realize that they may be the one. But you live and you learn, hoping that you don’t make the same mistake twice.

[daphne]

NC,

 

I have another take on this. I wouldn't contact him again at all. His behavior was extremely selfish. He didn't want to talk about it. Presumably so he didn't have to face the consequences of hurting you. Or because he thought so little of you that he didn't feel you had the right to an explanation of, at minimum, what his plans were. There had to be some warning signs that he was a jerk. If there were, remember them and avoid guys that exhibit them. He's a write off. But let him take his karma with him.

[NC377]

Yes, there were warning signs and someone even told me that he was selfish. But I was trying to make up my own mind. It is hard to change a tiger's stripes though. One should always listen to their instincts too and never betray them cause they will bite you in the butt if you do.

 

I totally believe in the karma gods because I have been blessed when I have done the right thing and damned when I have done the wrong thing.

[daphne]

I totally believe in the karma gods because I have been blessed when I have done the right thing and damned when I have done the wrong thing.

 

I whole heartedly agree. It's the only thing you can do to remain sane in a world full of crazy, self centered people.

 

Heal and go find someone better.

[NC377]

Yes, whatever happened to compassion in the world and thinking about other people? I was told you don't need closure or to be nice to someone who hasn't treated you well. Hence, no need for another e-mail and I will just continue living my life. Funny, cause after 3 1/2 months of not seeing him, my live has actually improved and I think I am happier now without him.