I'm terrified.

[purpledinosaur]

I've been in a relatonship to a mostly wonderful girl for over 6 years. We have lived together for ages. but i am in a serious crisis now. my mind is a blur and i think i'm about to break down.

my partner is wonderful and caring for the most part, but is also very controlling/ possessive. over the past 6 years we have made many plans together regarding our future life, and we were geering up to get married next year.

in the beginning, we had this wonderful plan of developing our careers, settling down, raising a family. I have increasingly developed my life to revolve completely around her.

My personality is naturally one of a free intellectual spirit. Before I met her, I had a wide circle of casual friend and was a member of lots of activity groups. I travelled alot too. yet there was always something missing, and when i met her, I felt that I had at last found 'THE' missing piece.

however, initially, we had a bumpy road. I had ambitious plans for my career, which I changed to bring myself more into line with her plans, which I saw were 'our plans', something worthwhile in my life I could devote myself to. I gave up many oppertunties, including a chance to work abroad in what I had thought was my dream job/ life at the time. I was heavily involved in i guess what you'd call 'artsy activities'. I used to visit go to the theatre regularly, attend talks exhibitions etc. however, because these events intimidated her, she would be extremely reluctant in accompanying me. when she wasnt dragging her feet and complaining, she would tell me to go myself, then would display a sense that I had betrayed or abandoned her. So I gradually scalled down my involvement, and finally broke off contact with my once large circle of casual contacts. but I always felt that it was all worth it. as i was devoting myself to building a happy relationship with her for the future.

 

my previous job allowed me to take long 'sabaticles' 3 -4 weeks at a time, each year, for 'personal developement'. i'd spend this time sometimes visiting places that i'd never been to, living rough, backpacking from place to place. However, she hated these activities. she wouldnt say no outright, but would express that I was loosing interest in her, abandoning her. I stopped completely, spending my time in a way as she dictated it. for a couple of years, I ended up spending all that time living with her family instead. of course i resented it initially, but I thought it was all going toward a greater good. building a mutually happy life for the both of us.

 

3 years ago, I was offered, what I felt at the time, was a golden career oppertunity to work abroad. it was what I wanted to do, in a place i've always wanted to go. She would not accompany me. It was too far away from her family she said. she could never do it. so I gave it up. I began to feel very upset at the time. however in my mind, she could do no wrong. I internalised all my anger and resentment and took it out on myself. It was at that time I began to abuse alcohol and drugs. always in secret, always to anaethetise myself against the pain.

She never suspected anything in all this time. 6 months ago, because of my lifestyle, I ended up in hospital, with complications of the abuse. My career at the time was very stressful one, which also contributed to my deterioration. to give you an idea of how bad a state i was in, I was only 25 at thetime.

 

that turned out to be a great blessing as it scared me into getting my life back on track. I quit all the junk completely, took my health seriously. I also changed my career to one which I liked. My whole life took a complete turn around and for awhile, I was at peace with myself and with all the compromises I had made. It was then that I began to seriously make plans to get married.

 

At this point, I need to digress slightly. When we got together, my partner and I had a dream of raising a family. I love kids, and have always wanted some of my own. This was her goal at the time. this dream of a family kept me going all these years, with all the compromises. 2 years ago, she began to mention to me that she was having second thoughts about children, but we didn't go into it seriously at the time. at the time, I was still in a very confused physical state. Our relationship was under slight stress and I though that what she said was simply a manefestation of that. I thought she would change her mind again.

 

back to the present. a month ago, with me in my happy new life and state of equillibrium, the idea of a family came up again. It was then that she finally told me that she would never want to have kids. the reasons she gave were that she didn't want to have her life restricted by child rearing. She was also extremely reluctant to go through pregnancy etc.

 

I felt I had been stabbed in the gut. I made it clear to her then that this was always my intention, and I had never changed my mind. I felt very betrayed. We had a major argument. She told me that I would have to choose between her and a life without kids, or life without her. However, it wasnt that harsh. She was in tears when she said it and cried that she could never bear to loose me.

 

We didn't speak for nearly a week, despite living together and sharing a bedroom. In the end, she confronted me and demanded an answer, telling me not to play around with her anymore. as i loved her more than anything else, I told her i would never give up wanting children, however, I too could not bear to live her. She accepted that at the time.

 

I was tormented. but suprisingly, I never relapsed into my old unhealthy lifestyle. it actually felt like we were becoming closer. my present career also started to take off and further oppertunities started to come out for advancement. It was actually the career i had wanted to do, just not in the place I wanted to be in, but that was ok. I was trying to strengthen myself to plan what I could really get out from the future. My partner at the time, began to be supportive in my career, saying that she would follow me anywhere, no matter how painful, because of my 'sacrifice'. (of course, in my mind at the time, i was still trying to figure things out). I had also been offered a sort of transfer, to take place in the next 3 years, which would allow me to end up in the place I had originally dreamed of.

 

However, last week, something big came up once again. My partner own family situation changed. And she was now in a position where she was being encouraged to return home, to deal with the family business. By coincidence, I was actually offered a post, to start in 5 years time, in that very place. But it was not a place I would have liked to work in. before, I would have put up with anything, be in any place, just so long as I could have a family and kids, something to devote myself to. However, my partner still stands firm in her desire not to have children in anyway. She naturally wants me to follow her.

 

the worse possible thing is I have to make a decision in the next 2 weeks. as actions I take will put me in a standing to assume one post but not the next. She has made up her mind and will definitely be leaving. the ball so to speak is in my court. my options are to follow her, to make an irreversible decision, or to leave her. this time, for good and we will be physically seperated.

 

I'm in agony, both choices seem to be one of misery. I still love her dearly. one choice will lead to agony in a life without her, and the other will lead to lifetime of insiduous mild misery and personal unfurfillment. the pain is very great as this seems to be a further betrayal and another stab in the gut. I guess because this really looks like the final straw that broke the camels back, I think I may have to leave her. But I dont want to hurt her. She is wonderful otherwise ad very caring. And I know that I do love her. I'm confuse and need help. I'd really appreciate any point of view as I'm having trouble thinking straight.

[lindya]

I'm in agony, both choices seem to be one of misery. I still love her dearly. one choice will lead to agony in a life without her, and the other will lead to lifetime of insiduous mild misery and personal unfurfillment. the pain is very great as this seems to be a further betrayal and another stab in the gut. I guess because this really looks like the final straw that broke the camels back, I think I may have to leave her. But I dont want to hurt her. She is wonderful otherwise ad very caring. And I know that I do love her. I'm confuse and need help. I'd really appreciate any point of view as I'm having trouble thinking straight.

 

Wow, this is a tough one with so many issues. I'll just pick a couple:

 

Children: You want them, she doesn't. What would your reaction be if it transpired that she was unable to have children, as opposed to being unwilling? I ask, because people often remain in relationships where there's a lack of consensus about such important matters because on some level they believe that the partner will eventually change their mind. Sometimes a change of heart does occur, but not always. Leave out any arguments about the potential for adoption for a moment, and just consider how you would feel knowing for certain that you and your girlfriend would never have a child together.

 

Secondly, you versus love. It seems that you're being presented with a straight choice here between pursuing your dreams of who you want to be and the lifestyle choices you'd like to make, and being with someone you love. Relationships do tend to present most people with dilemmas that require compromise and sacrifice - but perhaps not usually on the level you're experiencing.

 

I have to say that I don't think love is ever enough for a relationship to survive long term. Once two people are immersed in the routine whereby work takes up most of their lives, if they're going home to anyone it needs to be someone they can spend quality time with. That means some shared interests and common goals. It means that when you go on holiday together, you both enjoy it. Having enough respect and affection for the other person, and sufficient happy times together, to get past the fact that you're not going to feel "in love" with them forever.

 

If you don't have the potential to be happy with this girl in the long term, then it's difficult to see how the marriage can work. None of that means she isn't a wonderful, sweet and caring person...but other circumstances have to come into play in order for you to be happy together.

 

I was in a similar situation a few years ago - only I was in your girlfriend's shoes. Too many major differences (in outlook, temperament, ethics and interests) for the relationship I was in to work, but I utterly refused to see it. I was convinced that if I just kept on loving, that would conquer any problems that emerged. It doesn't...and the longer a person lives in denial of that fact, the more painful the realisation is when it does hit them.

 

You've got some tough decisions to make. I hope it works out okay for both you and your girlfriend - whatever happens.

[magichands]

I'm in agony, both choices seem to be one of misery. I still love her dearly. one choice will lead to agony in a life without her, and the other will lead to lifetime of insiduous mild misery and personal unfurfillment.

It's not all about you, and it's not all about her. Sorry for seemingly stating the obvious.

 

You said "choice" - what you do with the rest of your life is your choice, and neither option needs to be as bleak as you portray them.

 

I'm very sorry that you are feeling so mixed-up inside. Consider whether you two are right for each other. If (you believe) so, then do your darnedest to strike a balance between your needs. If not, then - believe it or not - your heart will go on, haha.

 

I'm not trying to discount the breakup pain that will undoubtedly lie ahead for each of you, if you take this latter course...but (one can only hope that) it will be the best thing for the both of you in the long run.

[magichands]

If you don't have the potential to be happy with this girl in the long term, then it's difficult to see how the marriage can work. None of that means she isn't a wonderful, sweet and caring person...but other circumstances have to come into play in order for you to be happy together.

Ditto.

I hope it works out okay for both you and your girlfriend - whatever happens.

Ditto. Is there an echo in here??

[purpledinosaur]

i really want to thank you both. I certainly feel lest isolated. but I'm still confused. all other advise I seem to get like feels painful. my parents, and hers, seem to think i should wait for a change of heart. but I'm so afraid of falling into the abyss of despair.

how can i ever tell if sacrifice is too much? i guess thatmy main problem. Have i been too obliging in the past? when is sacrifice too much

[purpledinosaur]

and thankyou for taking thetime to read through all of it

[tanbark813]

The pain of leaving her will be temporary whereas it sounds like the pain of staying with her will be perpetual. It also sounds like there's always been at least a mild form of misery in the time you two have been together. You may love her, but I don't see anything written in your original post that makes it sound like a good relationship. And not to disrespect your gf, but she sounds like a complete bore. I admire your patience with her.

 

It may hurt like hell to break up with her, but the pain will pass eventually. You deserve a partner who will be at least supportive of your interests and pursuits--and ideally into them of her own accord--and who also shares your desire to have kids.

 

I think you need to man up a little and not let your gf call all the shots.

[alphamale]

I think you need to man up a little and not let your gf call all the shots.

I did not read the OP fully but I trust TB813 and agree with his resolution

[D-Lish]

wow, that's a tough situation you have found yourself immersed in.

 

It does sound like you have given up a whole lot of yourself to remain in this relationship. It also sounds like you will once again be compromising your own needs if you follow her. How long do you think it will be before the resentment starts eating away at you again? I suspect that if you don't come to some sort of compromise where your needs are being met you will be subjecting yourself to a life of misery.

 

A relationship is a two way street. Sorry, but your girlfriend sounds a little selfish. Maybe the best thing for you is to take a break and start pursuing your own goals and aspirations for a change.

 

Look at how much you have given up over the years. What has she given up for you? Perhaps it's time you demanded she make some sacrifices for you.

 

If you're always giving up what you want- you'll have a marriage filled with resentment.

 

Think about you for a change!

D

[tanbark813]

I did not read the OP fully but I trust TB813 and agree with his resolution

 

Thanks, man.

[lindya]

i really want to thank you both. I certainly feel lest isolated. but I'm still confused. all other advise I seem to get like feels painful. my parents, and hers, seem to think i should wait for a change of heart. but I'm so afraid of falling into the abyss of despair.

how can i ever tell if sacrifice is too much? i guess thatmy main problem. Have i been too obliging in the past? when is sacrifice too much

 

I don't think there's any logical way to measure it. If it feels too much to you personally, then that's obviously going to make it difficult to continue in the relationship without feeling resentful - and that spells bad news for both of you.

 

I've noticed that a couple of the responses contained negative comments about your girlfriend. In a sense, that's not surprising given the circumstances you outlined in your post. What I would say is that when people are considering whether to leave a relationship, they will sometimes tend to focus on all the negatives in seeking advice from other people. They get back advice that reflects and therefore reinforces that negative thinking.

 

This is a 6 year old relationship, and you've stated that in many ways your girlfriend is a wonderful girl. You just haven't gone into specifics, because obviously you're here to address problems in the relationship rather than talk about the good bits.

 

I think you probably need to start focusing on some of her good qualities so that in the event of a break up you don't get into a character-assassinating post mortem of the relationship that will totally devastate her. That's what can happen when people start brainstorming with others who don't know the partner, and only hear your version of specifics about bad stuff. It sounds as though she's meant a lot to you, and if you do decide to end the relationship you probably want to do so in a way that causes minimum trauma. Your girlfriend and her welfare aren't concerns to to random posters here, but I'm sure they matter a great deal to you.

[alphamale]

I agree with whatever LINDYA says...

[lindya]

I agree with whatever LINDYA says...

 

The lobotomy was a success then!