niceguy27 Posted October 26, 2007 Posted October 26, 2007 So a lot you have been following my story with the ex. So last night she came over because I had found a tub of Christmas things in my basement and some other things she had stored there. She came by to pick them up and grab some dishes or what not. Its been almost 3-4 weeks since we have seen each other. And that time was when she had picked up her things. Well she gets there and I was surprised at how well I was acting. I've been focused on myself for a while and have been working out so it wasnt that bad. Calm, distant, not saying too much. Going good right? Then I make myself a drink and ask her if she wants one. So we sit at the table and have a drink together. She comments about how good I look (been working out a bit and a little more self-confident) and talks about her school, roomates, etc. Small talk. She then asks why I have to leave in a little bit. I tell her I have plans. She asks, "You going out with Matt?" I say no, someone else. "You have a date dont you?" she responds. "With who?" I say, "Selena (a very attractive friend of mine whom I had a little crush on a while back) is making dinner at her place and Im going over there." I thought her world ended when I said that! She made a sny remark about Selena and I "talking" or "dating" when she always thought we were just friends. There was also some comment about sleeping with her which I cant remember exactly what she said though. Jealous!! I couldnt believe it. Anyway, that was just a tiny part of what eventually panned out. Later she started to leave... And then I completely blew it...I looked at her and said, "Do you realize that now this is all done, there is nothing left connecting us and that this could be IT?" She said, "Well Im sure we will run into each other and talk once in a while." I responded with a "Umm No. That wont happen. I cannot be friends with you, at least right now. Now that things are 100% complete, we both can move on and put this behind us. Kar*." She said that she'd email or call me once in a while to see how things were going and see how things go down the road. "You never know, I may be in Bay City one day and stop by your store." Was she not listening to me??? For some reason she wasn't realizing that once she walked out that door, I had a plan already set (She doesnt know about: Full NC, focusing on me, moving on, etc.). So I finally couldn't take it anymore and pulled out all the stops...I told her about my plans for moving. By no means in a threatening way. Simply telling her what I am thinking about doing and just how much my life was changing. In about 4 months I am going to decide if I am going to move or not depending on whether I want to commute to my new store or move closer to it. I said that now that everything is said and done, her and I can really have this time apart and go our separate ways with nothing else now holding us together. When, and if the time comes that I make my decision to leave or stay (who knows what will happen by that time), I will have had time to decide what I want to do and not be influenced by her. I then told her flat out that the reason this has hit me so hard is that I had decided to propose to her later this year and for me to say goodbye was the hardest thing in the world to do. I said that "I understand you are afraid of committing because you think that I may leave you one day (she has childhood abandonment issues), but I was ready to be with you forever so you would never have to worry. I want to know that this is how much I love you." Bottom of my heart spilling there...She was a little taken back by that and got a little teary eyed. She repeated to me she would email me or write me a letter or something so we could keep in touch but kept saying "I gotta go, I gotta go, this isnt healthy." That was that. I said ok, gotta go, goodbye Kara...And she left. I know I probably blew it but who cares right? I have a plan now and I told her how deep my feelings were for her in a straight and honest way. Now that we're 100% separated I feel empty inside but then again I feel that now I can begin to start over new and FINALLY move on.
Bosiell Posted October 26, 2007 Posted October 26, 2007 You let it all out out to her, you have cleared the air and your heart. That can only be a good thing. Although you feel of course empty in the fact that is finally it, like you have said, now you can concentrate fully on moving on. You didnt blow it, you just went with your feelings, and you know you will feel better for it long term. You should feel proud. Although I am pretty sure my ex has moved on from me, I am currently still stuck. I feel I need to clear some air with her also, get some things out of my heart, which I did not have chance to when we initially broke as it was all so sudden. If I do not do this, I feel I may not be able to drag myself away from this situation
Author niceguy27 Posted October 26, 2007 Author Posted October 26, 2007 I took a lot of time to think things through and gave us both some space before I laid it out like this. I would give you the same advice too. Make sure your strong enough to be able to make a decision with a clear head. Base it on what YOU want deep down without any outside influence (emotions, etc.). When its all said and done you will have made a genuine and whole hearted effort to really open yourself up to what you want. To be able to let go like I did makes me feel a lot better about myself. I now know that I can move forward and take the next step. Thank God that her and I were able to communicate with each other. We understand each other so well that I am/was able to be open with her with my feelings. So instead of feeling like I was desperate or needy, it was an honest expression of how I feel and to be able to do that with someone and have them not pass judgement on you is beyond priceless. I still have hope that down the road the two of us may find each other again. It's not the kind of hope that will hold me back but the kind that we really did love each other to know that right now its just not mean to be and there is no sense in holding on to that. I think that as we go through life there will probably only be a couple people that we probably could of married and had a life together...She was one of them but right now its not meant to be and for me recognize that and move on will make me stronger and more aware of what love is.
Author niceguy27 Posted October 26, 2007 Author Posted October 26, 2007 Blah Blah...I have no feelings left. I feel indifferent about things right now. I dont know if its because I am emotionally drained or what but I feel almost as if somethings been ripped out of me. All the stuff that I thought was right turned out to be wrong. I feel numb and exhausted and just want to feel myself again. Now that all the feelings are out, it feels as though I just woke up from a daze and Im trying to find my bearings.
brothermartin Posted October 26, 2007 Posted October 26, 2007 My man, you need a drink, a lap-dance, and some phone numbers thrown at you!!! Oh, that empty, drained feeling you have? Thats called FREEDOM!! Dont worry, it comes as a shock at first. But you'll remember how it works!
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