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The only time the past can ruin relationships is if you find out they did something terrible to you in the past....like discovering past lies to you or cheating on you in the past. But this is not the case for you now. All of us change our ideas and beliefs as we experience life, and any new relationship is with a person who's changed this way or that due to their past gains and losses. To not change due to life experiences would mean we are all stuck as children. That said 40yo is a bit long in the tooth for someone trying for their first child and the odds of you both needing assisted pregnancy are not insignificant. And I think it's perfectly reasonable to want a person who will listen to our problems (on the proviso that they are not a whiner who complains about everything). Now, are you OK with starting to have children quickly? And are you OK with a woman who doesn't have the bandwidth to listen to your problems?

You two are putting the cart way in front of the horse. And now you're seeing why this isn't smart. You are still getting to know each other. Trying to have children together at just 6 months of dating when you don't even know if you're a long-term match is nuts, to be blunt. Neither of you is using good judgment here. Halt all attempts at kids. Wait and see if you two will even last as a couple. If she doesn't want to wait at her age, then she will need to consider alternative avenues to parenthood.

Hi, I hope you’re well. I need advice on my relationship. I have been in a relationship for the last 6 months. I am in my early 30s and she just turned 40. Everything is mostly good, no arguments and both ‘want’ the same thing but I’ve hit a snag in my head. We both want kids, however, since she is 40, we thought trying sooner is better than waiting. We’ve researched everything and made plans etc and have been actively trying for maybe a month. In my head, it didn’t feel rushed as the relationship feels right, feels like first actual adult relationship. Then things happen which have made me consider how I move forward. I believe in marriage and I have mentioned it numerous times. Not because I want to get married right now this second, but because if we are committed enough to be considering children, marriage is something I believe in and is the final phase to me of settling down. The snag is she was married in the past. She is eight years older than me. So when I was 20, she would’ve been 28. Her marriage was maybe 10-15 years ago. I never talk about it as I don’t want to. I never thought I’d date someone who has been married before, but I’m learning to take people as they’re now. Anyway, anytime I mention marriage she will say something like we haven’t reached that hurdle yet or it isn’t on the cards yet so why worry or you haven’t even proposed yet. Then she will say if we aren’t married she can still qualify as a first time property buyer. I’m not here to persuade someone to want to marry me in the future, it’s something you need to organically want. She 100% wants to have kids, yet marriage is a sideshow. She will also say well yeah we can consider ‘if it’s important to you’. Anyway, I have battled hard and worked on myself not to think about people’s past, even though the past has ruined/damaged many of my relationships. However, in this case I’m pretty sure she isn’t fussed about marriage as her first marriage failed. That is the past impacting me again, even though I didn’t judge, which for me is personal growth. Second thing is two days ago, I got upset and I’m still upset. I’m someone who doesn’t speak about my issues much to anyone (hence why I go on forum) and I told her about my issues at work (I run my own business) which have happened recently and over the past few months. They’ve been like a weight around my neck as the issues aren’t things which are quickly resolved. She said to me it’s tiring listening to negativity especially as she is in low mood herself (suffered bereavement last year). And she can’t be my therapist. We had a three hour discussion about this as I never asked for advice or for a therapist just telling someone I’m supposed to be in a committed relationship the issues I’m having right now and why things are why they are. I then said I won’t ever talk about work again with her and she got offended (but this is how I feel). How do I go forward in a positive way or not? On surface things are fine, but now I’m worried if do have kids, these background things may get worse.

How long have you been long distance? What are your plans to close the distance gap, and when? Is this someone you've met in person, and how often do you see one another?

Yep. With millions of men in the world, you're deliberately narrowing your own options down to these two losers? Nobody here can expand your vision FOR you. That's an inside job. Instead of complaining about the drunk guy, which gets you nowhere, why not try to discuss some ideas about ways you can meet some new people?

What exactly is your point of being here? You don't seem to like the responses you're getting.....

Wait, let me see if I have this stragiht: One of your boyfriends is a nasty drunk. The other is married. Girl. Your picker. It is broken.

even though I’ve been trying to bring my best to this relationship for the last year, I’m left feeling like nothing- “Oh, you want to ask me to text when I’m home safely instead of disappearing overnight, when we both know I drunk drive? How annoying and f*****g insecure of you. Let me tell you I need space & time & then never contact you for a week plus.” How can I be so insignificant that he didn’t once think, “she really didn’t do anything that bad, I miss her. Let me text her”? meanwhile this other guy, to whom I did some hurtful things, still feels for me after 8 years of knowing me and is texting me constantly and can’t wait to see me again and is planning more “dates” than the guy I was in a real relationship with for a year. Could you say it’s just the novelty or the sexual attraction? After he’s known me 8 years, I’d think I would be replaced and no-contact just fine.

@Tennisnonpro1223 Why are you making so many threads about this guy? You're not going to get different answers

Maybe yes and maybe no. why don’t you get tested at the dr to have your testosterone levels checked? You could rule that out.

Naaah. You don't need to go on full dates for a first meet. Counter first date offers with an offer to meet for a quick coffee or a short lunch. This is far more common these days than investing the time and effort into often-painful first dates. Those can turn awful in a very short time, so why primp and get dressed up only to get stuck trying not to look at your watch for the next few hours? It's not necessary. Read up on this trend of skipping that.

None of this explains why you won't dump the nasty drunk guy. It's not as though he's been out drinking all night out of any loyalty to you, and he speaks to you like a piece of dung.

Except that i am not complaining. We go through the motions and instead of pining for it.. I am meh. On our days off and vacations, the desire does not spark back up. Am I dying inside? No.

Are you aware that men and women all have varying sex drives? I've never had a partner who was ready to go at any time.

You're complaining about the businesslike routine when you get home from work. Short of having a fantasy girl who stays sexy all the time (or servants), this is part of life - something we all have to deal with. I would imagine the majority of people in LTRs aren't feeling sexy when they get home and there's meals to be cooked, washing up to be done, kids to care for, homework to be done.

But he's ok with conducting a secret relationship behind his wife's back. That kind of hypocrisy is an indicator of this guy's self-absorption and arrogance. He's full of it, and you should protect yourself by keeping your distance. You want love and romance, and that's why you're interpreting his attention as romantic and meant-to-be, but he actually just wants an affair, and if he has to mislead you to get it, he will. It helps his cause no end if you're willing to see him as a romantic hero instead of a sleazy philanderer.

Not sure how your question correlates with my topic. I am not looking for her to do anything. Its not like I am starving for sex and she does not reciprocate. In fact, I wish I was starving. But am not.

That’s called normal life things to be taken care of and discussed at home. would you prefer she leave you out of the relationship and pretend to be a fantasy gal all the time?

We cuddle on the sofa after kids go to bed, go on dates that involve fancy food/wine and such. Part of what kills my desire is the very business like routine after getting home from work. It is stuff that needs to be done but it feels like clocking in and that destroys any passion that could exist.

I am on no medication of any kind. Have never been tested for testosterone.

i jsut wanted to add, @BMI03 i appreciate you openly taking all the criticism and not being defensive about it. it seems clear you know there's an issue, and as the others have pointed out this isn't going to be something that YOU can "fix" and i'm assuming that if this topic is brought up it will be a case of her not "having a problem" and refusing to admit that she was wrong.

Just know you are done with her. she can go use someone else to buy her things. IF she wanted to change her situation she could! she could work three jobs and support herself living on her own. People do that when they want to do more to help themselves! she just wants someone else to help her. do counseling to u seats d why you feel bad for her. It’s not healthy for you to feel bad for her using you!

Well, if you restart it with him - make sure you have no expectations of him becoming available. he will take you for the friendship and sex - but beyond that - nothing. and remember you likely won’t be looking for the right guy while you’re with him… so there is that road block to consider. it laughable he doesn’t believe in divorce / but he’s willing to participate in an affair. Is that approved within his “religion”?

Met this man 8 years ago. Both in (unhappy) marriages. Weren’t seeking anything. Had tremendous respect for each other at work (everyone knew he “only listened to me”, no matter how many others tried to influence him, and none of us knew why). My husband had (before this guy) asked for a divorce while I was pregnant. This guy was there. When I had a newborn & was alone, when I couldn’t have my child’s party because of Covid, it was the 3 of us. We called each other best friends. And we were lovers. We had the most passionate sex, every time. I assumed it was just the novelty but it never wore off. But he had a lot of guilt about Jews not believing in divorce, about leaving his kids back in California because of our crazy Wall Street career opportunities. He always said we were “only friends.” So I moved on, and any time I did he got insanely jealous. So did I of him. It was toxic, we both said & did a lot (mostly out of jealousy) to hurt the other. You’d assume we’d never talk again, that it’s in the past. but we could never stay away from each other. I blocked him for a year once in a new relationship. That guy (you can see from my other thread) seems to be an avoidant alcoholic. As soon as I messaged my 8-year guy, it was like we were both all in. He wants to take me on dates. Come over and be passionate. I think I should refuse it all, because why would I think it’s going anywhere? But.., I’ve long had the feeling that no one would still be in each others lives like this after most of a decade just for sexual attraction. I feel like he’s my soulmate. Truly don’t know what to do

You can also reframe this and think of your emotional depth as a strength and not a hindrance That could be your superpower tbf. You don’t have to shape yourself in a pretzel to be like what others say. What works for some may not work for you. I’m thinking here of your friends who told you about non attachment. You appear extremely perceptive and generous at heart. Use that to your benefit and give yourself that level of generosity and kindness. It’s not just for other people or dudes. It’s also empowerment learning from past experiences, knowing that you can change or alter the course of an interaction /dating experience just due to placing simple boundaries on texts/calls esp in the early stages before having met. good on you for going out and meeting or giving gym guy a chance. Although you mentioned feeling embarrassed due to the payment hiccup you found a solution and the other person exposed themself for lack of graciousness. You saw that and recognized it. Now recognize in yourself that you wouldn’t do that to someone else. You know how to handle stressful situations with grace. That’ll take you pretty far and attract similar people.