joel Posted January 17, 2006 Share Posted January 17, 2006 has anyone ever had v ery very strict parents-they think at the age of 24 25 that dating is still too young and that u should focus on ur studies in college. what did u do, and did u follow or did u just do it behind their back-what did u tell the girl u were dating-did u keep her for long , made up stories like ya i can;t go b/c i have to work .....etc girls these days are dating like in HS which i was so supirsed , oh ya a 18 yr old girl i knew in one of my classes has a bf- oh and i was told by my mom that 25 is too young imagine that girl 18 yea and bf- it thought she was too young. parents think and believe that u should date when ur financially secure with a good well paying job-and date when ur in ur 30's, i mean how many guys are like that nowadays. as for me 25 with hardly any dating expereince how am i suppose to tell my furture date or gf about this-do i lie or what-even if i tell the truth how many gals would believe this story. parents are very tradiional chinese folks-don;t belive in mix marriages and dating out. what do u do. i don;t want to hurt and break up with a girl and tell her -yea folks are soooo strict they don;t let me date-they think its a waste of time and that i should jsut study-btw i suck at school-never really did any good from elementary school to now-was just a avg student - wasn't b/c i was a slacker-just suck at school Link to post Share on other sites
bluechocolate Posted January 17, 2006 Share Posted January 17, 2006 Simple answer - get a job & move out. You can finish your studies part-time. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Admiral Thrawn Posted January 17, 2006 Share Posted January 17, 2006 You'll become an inexperienced Involuntary Celebate if you wait too long. It's normal to start dating now - remember you are dating to gain experience and experiment. If you start it later, it will seem odd, or like something is wrong with you, if you had no prior experience. So, your parents are wrong, go out and date, explain to them, you need to have experience, and tell you parents you are 'socialising or hanging out with your [female] friends' as opposed to dating someone. You understand? They have to understand you need to hang out and talk with women - dont phrase it like a serious relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
alphamale Posted January 17, 2006 Share Posted January 17, 2006 your schooling and educataion should come 1st before anything else and the fewer "distractions" that you have to better. One thing wrong with today's society is that not many believe in this simple philosopy. basically, what one does in the early part of their life will most likely predict the success, or lack thereof, of the rest of their life. Link to post Share on other sites
Admiral Thrawn Posted January 17, 2006 Share Posted January 17, 2006 your schooling and educataion should come 1st before anything else and the fewer "distractions" that you have to better. One thing wrong with today's society is that not many believe in this simple philosopy. basically, what one does in the early part of their life will most likely predict the success, or lack thereof, of the rest of their life. Having internal fantasies or thoughts can be too distracting - and that could plague people who are understimulated or who are not going out with anyone. Socialising and dating, or just getting things out of your chest is very healthy. Link to post Share on other sites
alphamale Posted January 17, 2006 Share Posted January 17, 2006 Having internal fantasies or thoughts can be too distracting - ahh but there is one big distinction AT....internal fantasies don't get pregnant. Link to post Share on other sites
dgiirl Posted January 17, 2006 Share Posted January 17, 2006 i'm starting to understand more and more why joel is joel 30???? Sheesh, I'm getting DIVORCED at 31!!!... You cant start dating till 30?? I think you're going to have to start making decisions for yourself joel. Your parents mean well, but i think you can handle dating and school at the same time. Time to grow up and make your own decisions. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Admiral Thrawn Posted January 17, 2006 Share Posted January 17, 2006 ahh but there is one big distinction AT....internal fantasies don't get pregnant. Sure, that could be imagined too. Link to post Share on other sites
mini696 Posted January 18, 2006 Share Posted January 18, 2006 I told my parents to F*CK OFF Link to post Share on other sites
amerikajin Posted January 18, 2006 Share Posted January 18, 2006 Joel, You will get a lot of advice here to just pick up and move, but I know that is easier said than done in a traditional Asian household. You face the real threat of being shunned by your family and that's not something to be taken lightly. You have to do what you think is right for you, when you think it's the right time to do it. Having said that, I'll add my two cents... You are not in China anymore. You are in a land where there is a great deal more flexibility in terms of who you can date and the decisions you can make in your life - this goes well beyond just dating. Your parents must understand that. Your parents made the choice to leave China behind. I know that they may have believed that the only reason they wanted to leave China behind was because of the lack of opportunity, and perhaps they thought that everything else could be the same, but that's not the way it works. When you leave your country, you leave it, and you leave all of its customs behind. The fact is, you have your whole life ahead of you now. There will be a time when you will be entirely responsible for yourself and the wellbeing of others you choose to bring into your life (i.e. your wife and children). I think the others are correct: you have to take control of your situation, or at least take responsibility for it. If you like the idea of your parents making your decisions for you, then be content with that and let them make your decisions for you. Keep in mind that to most women living in Canada this is not attractive. Canadian women want men who can stand on their own, the same way that American women do and I'm sure it's the same throughout the rest of the Western world. If, however, you want to be your own boss, then start taking action. As Bluechocolate said, start saving money and then move out. I know this won't be easy but that's your choice. Tell them that you will still be involved in their lives but that you need to be on your own for now. Tell them that you have no intention of disrespecting them but they have to understand that they are not in China anymore. They have to be flexible. You have your life ahead of you. You have to choose your mate. She will not be Chinese - even if she is ethnically Chinese she will still not be Chinese. She will be Canadian. She will want to establish her place in Canadian society, and she will expect the same of you. Tread lightly, but I think this is what you have to convey to your parents when you feel that you are ready to deal with it. Link to post Share on other sites
PlumPrincess Posted January 18, 2006 Share Posted January 18, 2006 Joel, go to a Western Asian forum, people here don't fully understand your problems. They didn't grow up in a strict traditional Chinese immigrant household, they have no clue about the Chinese traditions and values or about the expectations and pressures that Chinese parents put on their children. Link to post Share on other sites
amerikajin Posted January 18, 2006 Share Posted January 18, 2006 That's probably good advice, Plum. Link to post Share on other sites
Author joel Posted January 19, 2006 Author Share Posted January 19, 2006 you now what i have posted in asian forums-reading from the forums none of the fellow asians are like my folks. strict to a extend like after 18 19 thats it, not sure why mine are still like this. do u date a girl for like a month and then dump her just for experience b.c of ur folks Link to post Share on other sites
dgiirl Posted January 19, 2006 Share Posted January 19, 2006 do u date a girl for like a month and then dump her just for experience b.c of ur folks no. you date a girl because you like her. you dont date a girl to use her. how would you like it if asian girl had strict parents and dated you just for the experience, and then dumped you once her parents accepted her dating? Link to post Share on other sites
amerikajin Posted January 19, 2006 Share Posted January 19, 2006 Joel, Here's your bottom line: regardless of whether you're talking about your dating life or any other aspect of your life, you need to start taking control of your own affairs. I know that won't be easy. I live in Asia and have a degree of familiarity with several Asian cultures, and I know that what family thinks is very important. But you're in Canada now, and you've got to be more assertive. Do it in a way that is respectful and tactful, but start taking control of your life. Get a job, move out. You could offer to live close by, but move out. Link to post Share on other sites
Butternut Posted January 26, 2006 Share Posted January 26, 2006 haha, joel, I'm in a very similar situation except I'm an abc and my parents arent too traditional. They gave me that whole "wait till you're 30 and graduate from med school" talk. I had my own idea: "**** That ****". Seriously, if you wait until you're 30, you're relationship skills will be so weak that you're going to get owned my the first woman that settles for you. If you date, but don't want to move out, first try talking to your parents. Like really talking. Tell them you have 2387 gigs of pr0n on your computer and that you're beating it 2-3 times a day. IF that doesnt work try letting them meet a girl you're at least a little interested in that think they'll like. I'm thinking someone thats chinese, reasonably attractive and very nerd. They'll be like, "I guess thats not so bad, she'll set his career back at least a few years, but wth, kids these days..." Then you start picking it up in your studies, and then show them your grades and be like: "See mom, my GPA went up almost a whole quarter point! Now it's 2.25! See what this dating thing has done for me?" And you keep it up like this. Systematically chipping away at their expectations. So they go from: Demanding ==> Expecting ==> Wanting ==> Hoping ==> Praying __________ that you'll wait until you're 30 before you date. THAT or you can move out, which I know you won't/can't so THAT or doing what you're doing now. And to Alphamale: Social skills are at least as important as your level of education, if not more so. It doesnt matter how good your grades were when you **** up that job interview. And what better way to learn social skills than datiing? Link to post Share on other sites
somaguy Posted January 30, 2006 Share Posted January 30, 2006 Get a job and move out, simple as that. If you're afraid of having your parents "disown" you because of whom you date, ask yourself how much they really love you, and for what reasons. Link to post Share on other sites
Author joel Posted January 30, 2006 Author Share Posted January 30, 2006 how hard it is to develop dating and relationship skills- just watch romance movies, and see what other ppl are doing and do what they do-not hard. Link to post Share on other sites
loony Posted January 30, 2006 Share Posted January 30, 2006 how hard it is to develop dating and relationship skills- just watch romance movies, and see what other ppl are doing and do what they do-not hard. Is this a serious post or are you trying to be ironic? Link to post Share on other sites
alphamale Posted January 30, 2006 Share Posted January 30, 2006 And to Alphamale: Social skills are at least as important as your level of education, if not more so. It doesnt matter how good your grades were when you **** up that job interview. And what better way to learn social skills than datiing? social skills and your level of education generally go hand-in-hand. not always though. most likely you will see someone with a low level of education also have low levels of social skills and people with higher levels of education with more social skills. but this is not always the case, there are some PhDs out there who have few social skills and once in a while you'll run into someone with a 10th grade education with great soical skills... Link to post Share on other sites
loony Posted January 30, 2006 Share Posted January 30, 2006 social skills and your level of education generally go hand-in-hand. No way. Link to post Share on other sites
alphamale Posted January 30, 2006 Share Posted January 30, 2006 No way. so what do you think? the stupider you are the better your social graces will be, in general? Link to post Share on other sites
amerikajin Posted January 31, 2006 Share Posted January 31, 2006 Social skills are definitely separate from intellect. I've known lots of average intellects with excellent social skills, and I've seen lots of intellects with awful social skills. Totally different, IMO. Joel, as far as dating skills go, I think you will probably just have to go out and learn that on your own as I have. My parents were not good models for showing me how to pick up members of the opposite sex; in fact, we never talked about it. I guess they just assumed it would happen. I will never make that mistake if I ever have children...I will guide my son (and yes, it will be a boy) so that he doesn't make the same mistakes. The way you learn, Joel, is by doing. You just have to get out there and try. Be prepared to fail - lots of times. Be prepare to have some girl tell you no to your face. Be prepared to have some girl give you her phone number and then tell you she's busy every day for the rest of the 21st Century. In each case, think about what you did wrong and learn from it. This is a slow process, Joel; it could take several years before you get comfy with this effort but keep trying. It has worked for me - somewhat anyway. Link to post Share on other sites
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